Would you resent me if I was your employee or colleague ?

[Jimisnotmyname]

DC is seriously ill and inpatient in hospital. Expected to be in for several months. I have been asked by the hospital to be on side to help with various aspects of their care. In theory, I could take my notebook in and work from the ward (and do some catch up at night from home) but I am not coping. I am falling apart and not coping with anything. Would I be unreasonable to take sick leave? We get 6 months on full pay. I have been with my employer for over a decade and only was once off sick for a month (after major surgery). It would mean my colleague's holiday will have to be cancelled and I would let a lot of people down in my department and I feel hugely guilty about that. But I don't know what else to do. I know the decent thing would be to resign but I need the sick pay to cover bills. Please be honest.

yabu - suck it up and carry on working or resign.
yanbu - get signed off

I wouldn’t expect you to not be off sick on this situation! I hope you’re DC makes a good recovery 🥰.

Honestly I think I would resent a colleague if I had to cancel a holiday (and lose my money!) but the resentment should probably be directed to the company - why would the company not be able to sort this out so that your colleague can go on leave?

It doesn’t sound like you’re doing well (understandably!) and time off does seem to be the solution. Whether it’s sick leave / parental leave would be up to your work / doctor! Could you self certify for a week to see how you cope for that week and go from there?

When my colleague went off sick for a year due to cancer she was not replaced during her leave and I did not havexto cancel any holiday, it just means work was not done for the 2 weeks holidays and a,lot of catch up and late days go do upon return bit there is no way I am blaming my colleague for that.

Don't listen to that nonsense. Your GP will see that you are not fit for work of you are not sleeping or eating etc.

Take the leave!

Any company I have worked for would compensate a colleague who was asked to cancel a pre-approved holiday., that is totally on them.

Likewise, the company is responsible to get cover for sickness.

Op, I am sorry your child is so ill. Of course you are stressed, and you need to be with them. Ask your GP to sign you off.💐

Take the time off. If I were your colleague I would be very unhappy at having leave cancelled but that is a management issue not a you issue. Your management need to make sure your colleagues can take their annual leave when you are off.

I wouldn’t be cross with you but I’d be livid with my workplace if my holiday ended up cancelled because of this. They need to get in proper cover.

Then if you’re sick, you dint have a choice. You need to be off because you can’t work.

I’ve been there OP, do whatever you need to do to get you & your son through this. Work isn’t worth your brain space right now.

I am so sorry to hear about your child. I would say it would be extremely difficult to work in these circumstances and being there for your child when you can is more important. I have had colleagues go through similar and I didn't consider for a second that they shouldn't be off.

For those that say "you're not sick" this is an incredibly stressful situation, causing physical and mental health symptoms. As a GP I wouldn't hesitate to support someone with sick leave for this.

The op is not fit for work which is the question the GP must answer. They are not coping, not sleeping, not eating.

I'd be asking for special paid leave, rather than sick leave. I very much doubt that your GP would sign you off for that length of time.

All I would warn about is that employers (in my experience) tend not to treat long term sickness for mental health issues the same way they do physical ones.

I manage a department in a hospital. I would be encouraging you to take sick leave rather than try and work piecemeal from your child’s hospital bed. Far easier to cover a known absence than manage with odd days of absence and incomplete work done at strange times by someone who through no fault of their own is struggling to cope. And there’s no way I would let someone else booked and planned annual leave be impacted by a long term sickness absence.

Dear OP, of course you must take sick leave. Please make sure you do this asap. Everyone should understand and , if they don’t, that’s for them to deal with, you have enough already on your plate.

I’m so sorry your child is unwell. Hope that things get easier soon x

I think you’re very much mistaken.

Is OP fit for work? She’s not eating, sleeping etc, she’s clearly suffering with a reactive mental health issue.

Why would this not be classed as sick leave and be treated accordingly?

Op have you checked what benefits might be available? I wonder if you might be able to access DLA etc for your child and whether this could be the financial answer?

I personally wouldn't judge. If it was someone in my team with a seriously ill child I'd probably be trying to offer them some sort of paid exceptional lesve, but i appreciate that isnt something that's possible in a stretched team where the money is needed to cover replacing staff

Realistically as someone without children, if I was told I had to cancel my holiday I’d be very angry.

I don’t understand the colleague would need to cancel their holiday.

If you went sick whilst the colleague was on holiday, would they call her back? So why can’t she go if you’re already sick?

anyway it’s the company that employs too few staff that’s the issue.

Admittedly nearly 23 years ago but my DH fitted while driving (first time fit) and following the crash (no-one else involved but a large wall) was in hospital, not knowing whether he’d pull through for the first few days. He was then bed bound and flat for a month due to broken spine. After a few days emergency leave my head of HR called and “ordered” me to a doctor for a note for stress. All involved, doctor, employer, colleagues were so supportive and understanding (DC1 & DC3 plus DSC to care for too). No-one wants to see a valued colleague struggle. I was off for a month - nothing but kind words, support and flowers from them.
This is undoubtedly stress, you won’t be able to function at work, so let them put in some temporary arrangements rather than try and fit around day to day changes and step up with supporting their friend and colleague.

Surely if your colleague has holidays approved they can't cancel them. You going off sick for 6 months, your employer should get someone in to cover you

They’ll get over it. You need to be with your child. I’d never resent anyone this.

Surely your anger would be directed at your employer though?

The employer should have a contingency in place.

What would happen if you were already on your annual leave and out of the country? The employer couldn't just cancel your leave then if someone went off sick.

This is not on the op to feel responsibility for and any anger felt towards her would be misplaced

We get middle rate DLA which is used to cover certain aspects of my child's condition/disability. It's about £72 per week. It's nowhere near enough to replace my wage and it's not a wage replacement in any case but is used for DC (and pretty much gets all spent that way). It's clearly not the financial answer.