Would you resent me if I was your employee or colleague ?

[Jimisnotmyname]

DC is seriously ill and inpatient in hospital. Expected to be in for several months. I have been asked by the hospital to be on side to help with various aspects of their care. In theory, I could take my notebook in and work from the ward (and do some catch up at night from home) but I am not coping. I am falling apart and not coping with anything. Would I be unreasonable to take sick leave? We get 6 months on full pay. I have been with my employer for over a decade and only was once off sick for a month (after major surgery). It would mean my colleague's holiday will have to be cancelled and I would let a lot of people down in my department and I feel hugely guilty about that. But I don't know what else to do. I know the decent thing would be to resign but I need the sick pay to cover bills. Please be honest.

yabu - suck it up and carry on working or resign.
yanbu - get signed off

Have you spoken to your employer because when my husband was terminal I literally left work on the day he got sick and then didn’t return until three months after he’s died. So 6 months off in total and on full pay. Talk to them they may surprise you if you have been there for such a long time.

Ita going to be at the discretion of your company. As a business owner myself I would be expecting the care to be shared between yourself and your husband. Your reasons for your husband not sharing the load are not acceptable reasons for a company: he can't work remotely well neither are you suggesting to do this when you are asking for sick leave. Him being the breadwinner? Also not an adequate reason.

I'm not being unkind, I have 5 daughters myself but as a business I would be not be happy for no effort for this leave to be shared. It sounds like you are a part time worker too so have time to care for your child outside of the time I pay for your outputs.

Honesty, I would happily provide some time off if I had the idea you were sharing the burden. If I felt you wasn't I would be speaking to my HR team to what can be done within the law to reduce my burden.

That doesn’t mean you wouldn’t resent your employer and probably be looking for a new job

Well in that case, as the colleague left to work non stop without a single day off for an unspecified number of months, I would resign. In fact, I have done this. I used to cover someone who was suffering from stress. She went off sick for a prolonged period of time, and just at the point when we thought she was about to return, she handed in a sick note for another 6 weeks. I’d had enough so I quit.

That's easy to say but what if it's a foreign holiday costing several thousand pounds, no travel agent or insurance will refund you for cancelling a holiday because your work cancelled your leave at short notice. Even a UK cottage easily costs around £1000 a week.

I am very understanding of my colleagues but not at vast personal expense.

@Jimisnotmyname could you arrange for your DH to take annual leave when your colleague is away? He could then stay at the hospital, enabling you to go in to work for those days.

It's not ideal but might make you feel less guilty/stressed about it.

You definitely should get signed off.

Yes, that is a realistic possibility, and will be for the company to manage if so. If it's caused by their own employment policies, it'll serve them right.

Oh I'm sorry about your child. I hope they recover. Of course you're stressed. Firstly, don't worry about colleague. That's management's issue. Regarding leave, I think be transparent. I'm not doubting you're sick - it must be awful, so you'll be signed off, but sick notes have to be constantly repeated and so long term it might switch to parental leave. Just speculation. It depends on the company. But realistically, you can't say now "I'm sick and will be for X more months" you can simply say "I'm sick".

Get signed off.

I was diagnosed with breast cancer in august of last year. DH has worked the whole way through. He’s muddled through somehow. And it’s almost broken him.

he didn’t want to let anyone down (me, the kids, work) so had instead let himself down. He’s in a bad way and it’s only now that I’m through chemo and surgery that he’s recognised it.

take the time off. Get the sick note. Prioritise the family.

id be more mad as your colleague at my employer for not supporting you.

To be fair, I would say it's unlikely the employer will force the other to cancel their holiday.

Most job shares will have a rule that both can't be absent at the same time. That means they can't pre-book time off for annual leave, dentist, whatever, at the same time. It doesn't necessarily mean that one will be forced back in if there's an emergency absence.

Can the employer cancel an actual agreed booked and paid for hoilday?

would you try to dismiss me? :o

You see, such responses scare me.

Thank you for everything else who responded and all the kind messages but I think this thread has also confirmed what I think a lot of people think probably quietly. I think I will just carry on as it is. I also feels so guilty about my colleague. I will u follow this thread now.

Work is work. Your child is sick and needs you. You are struggling to cope with the stressful situation you are in, trying to juggle work on top is causing you health issues - the weightloss is a physical symptom of that stress. Being signed off sounds entirely appropriate.
You are not responsible for what happens to your colleague's planned holiday. Your workplace will find someone to cover, get a temp in, leave the role uncovered or arrange with your colleague to change it. You have enough on your plate and this is not something you have to solve.
I hope your DC responds well to the treatment.

Just because you're off, you're work mate should not have to cancel her holiday, it's obviously been approved by your managers, it's up to them yo provide cover, I would have a fit if I had to cancel my holiday and lose money, are they going to compensate her?
Plus if she re books pays again and you go off work again she loses her holiday again and money.
If you need to be off that's fair enough but not at the costs of others holiday entitlement

@Marchitectmummy

There is nothing you can do to “reduce your burden” if an employee is unfit to work in the short term. She’s not popping in a flexible working request for you to consider. HTH

Your child is seriously ill in hospital. Go to them and be with them. What the hell is wrong with the world where we even have to ask these questions?? Good luck with everything op.

You sound like the very worst kind of boss. All you need to know as an employer is that one of your staff is unwell and needs the proper support. What the OP's personal arrangements are or whether the person's partner is, in your opinion, not "sharing the load" is none of your concern at all.

OP, absolutely take sick leave and concentrate on your family.

The fact that your employer has organised the business so there is no slack to cope with people being off is not your responsibility in any way.

Please sign off and look after your dc and after yourself. It's not your responsibility to sort cover, it's your employer's.

And no, if i was your colleague I wouldn't be resentful at all. We should all have some sort of empathy.

OP is in a highly pressurised situation that is extremely stress inducing. Having to work on top of that could exacerbate their stress and lead to depression. As a HR professional and someone who has been in a similar situation they very much qualifies for being signed off by a GP for stress related illness.

@Jimisnotmyname

There are a fair few alleged employers here who really demonstrate an enormous lack of understanding of employment law and employee rights.

Please consider taking the time you need, rather than trying to struggle on.

I hope your child responds well to the treatment and everything improves for you soon.

This makes me sad and angry. People like @Marchitectmummy seem to have very little sympathy for the OP’s dilemma and ALSO the fact that she’s actually ill, with stress. She’s not faking the weight loss, the lack of sleep, the inability to eat. Do you people not think stress related illness is a real thing? I can tell you, it is- and those symptoms are only the beginning.

Ignore responses like that.

Your family absolutely comes first. Don't be a martyr because of discount Elon Musks.

OP, you are not being unreasonable.

You are sick - with stress and worry (not caring duties) - so you take sick leave.

Your colleague’s holiday is a red herring in your thinking as it is not your responsibility. That’s not being arsy or difficult - it is management’s job/responsibility to ensure there is cover in unforseen situations of sickness/leave.

For the record - if I were your colleague and had holiday booked and it was cancelled, it would be managers/the company I was annoyed at and most definitely not my colleague with a sick child!

Take the sick leave.

@Jimisnotmyname don’t let people like that scare you. I strongly recommend your GP and seek their advice. Plus, get advice on your employment rights.

A good employer has empathy and wants to retain dependable staff. You’ve proven yourself to be a reliable employee over many years. You’re going through a rare and life changing event. If my child was feeling like they wanted to harm themselves I’d be there, whatever it took. Some people are more ruthless and uncaring. Anyone who’d feel resentful to you is plain nasty.

It’s your employer’s responsibility to cover absences, not yours.