Would you resent me if I was your employee or colleague ?

[Jimisnotmyname]

DC is seriously ill and inpatient in hospital. Expected to be in for several months. I have been asked by the hospital to be on side to help with various aspects of their care. In theory, I could take my notebook in and work from the ward (and do some catch up at night from home) but I am not coping. I am falling apart and not coping with anything. Would I be unreasonable to take sick leave? We get 6 months on full pay. I have been with my employer for over a decade and only was once off sick for a month (after major surgery). It would mean my colleague's holiday will have to be cancelled and I would let a lot of people down in my department and I feel hugely guilty about that. But I don't know what else to do. I know the decent thing would be to resign but I need the sick pay to cover bills. Please be honest.

yabu - suck it up and carry on working or resign.
yanbu - get signed off

You need to be in sick leave

in terms of the colleague’s holiday its your company’s fault not yours. Have they actually said (s)he will have to cancel their holiday? If your role is so critical it’s ridiculous that another person hasn’t been trained up to do it even as an interim measure. Only two people able to do a critical task is nuts. Thats not your fault and your colleague should see it that way.

I'm an employer and I would say talk to your manager, even if parental leave is unpaid.

From a business perspective what is in a contract and what can be agreed on a case by case basis is often different. Its obvious that you can't work, and obvious that you could ask your doctor to sign you off, so your employer knows full well you will be off and you will need to be paid.

So if they basically know they will need to find a way to work around that and will need to pay you they may offer paid leave or find some other way to make things work,

But as an employer, I would be really annoyed if it felt like a staff member was gaming the system. Even (perhaps especially) if they had been with me for 10 years.

Just an honest conversation saying "I am so stressed, I need to be at the hospital, I can't work while I do it, but I can't afford not to work and my mental health is suffering" could trigger them to arrange something for you that also works out better for them as it might mean you agree to, for example, a regular catch up where you will answer any questions that are confusing whoever is covering your work, which isn't possible at all if you sign off sick.

If they say no, then go to the doctor and get signed off, obviously. But that's fine because you have told them you're stressed and offered them a chance to come up with a solution which works for you.

I am not a single parent but have a DH. his work cannot be done remotely and he is the main breadwinner. We have more children and he has taken over largely everything on the home front and comes to hospital in the evening when I go home to spend time with the other DC who struggle not having me around. No other family.

Based on what you said no I would not resent you. I resent the colleague who in the past 5 years has had approx half of the time on sick leave coming back then using their AL 'learning the ropes' again before taking another stint off. I resent that person as their employer can't go through bloody due process to show they need to be fired and give us the opportunity to get a colleague that actually works more days than not and make work an ok place to be again.

Also look into carers allowance.

I hope your child and family are OK. Stay strong.

Except she's not personally sick, her DC is. She even said she could 'work by the bedside', so definitely not 'too sick' to work. She's just not coping with her DC being poorly so should, quite rightly, take time off. But let's be honest about things.

Take the time off OP. If I was your colleague I would still be taking my holiday, if they have booked to go away, even more so if abroad. I wouldn't be cancelling it if I was them. Not their problem if work doesn't have enough people

Have you actually been explicitly told your colleague will have to cancel their holiday?

I would be shocked if there wasn't a contingency plan - the likelihood of two people being unavailable to work at the same time is too high. And that's your employer's responsibility entirely.

Even if your employer had told you your colleague would have to cancel their holiday, I'd be suspicious. Cancelling an employee's pre-booked annual leave has not been a thing anywhere I've worked. They could be trying to guilt you into not taking paid sick leave because it's easier for them than trying to find a contingency plan. Again though that is management's responsibility, not yours or your colleague's.

Even so, this is not your concern. Your colleague needs to badger the employer, with hr and the union into coming up with a solution whereby they are not impacted to the point where they cancel a paid for holiday. I presume they have notice between now and the leave to come up with something.

If you both suddenly and unexpectedly got sick at the same time, one of you was out of the country and the other in a car accident... whatever, the company would have to cope. Even if that means loosing money, they would have to come up woth a solution.

I say this as someone who works in a stressful environment where work has to be done (nursing...we cannot just leave tasks) and often has to work short staffed. I would still advocate for a colleague in your situation.

Don't let guilt over your colleague stop you doing what is best for you and your family

If I were the colleague I’d still go on holiday and I wouldn’t hold it against you at all.

if I were you and you CAN take sick leave and your employer WON’T fire you (mine would for gross misconduct in these circs) you should. I would just proceed very cautiously and be very careful about what you tell them even IF they agree there is nothing say in 2 months the head of X finds out your situation and kicks up a stink with HR and all of sudden it IS a problem and you are facing disciplinary

Hope your child gets better

I'm so sorry to hear about your child. If I were the colleague, my anger wouldn't be directed at you as it's not your fault and anybody would do the same in your position. However; I would be FURIOUS at the company as it's their responsibility to ensure there is adequate cover in situations such as this. This will also affect the employee's partner's annual leave and family if they have them.

I would 100% look for another job ASAP if someone cancelled my upcoming holiday particularly if it was short notice and would certainly be doing the bare minimum on my return. Will your employer recompense the money? A plan needs to be put in place to cover unforseen eventualities such as this.

Not unreasonable at all, I don’t expect any of your colleagues will be surprised you will be off as anyone would be, please take the time off, explain to your GP the reason and there will be no problem, will go down as stress likely but I’m sure your employer will understand, take care OP x

Im sorry to hear about your child. It must be a very difficult time for you.
Couple of things to note…
As others have said, your colleague’s holiday is not for you to manage. That is down to your managers. And if I was that colleague that had paid for a holiday and had my leave approved, I would not be cancelling it!
You say work are aware of the situation. So have a chat. Tell them you are not coping and are going to be signed off for a month. If they raise your colleague stand firm. You have a sick child and can’t deal with other peoples issues. If you felt generous you could offer to do a few hours a day on your laptop while your colleague is away but only if you feel up to it.
You need to prioritise your own health over anybody else at the moment.
Good luck!

You'd be quite right to take the leave that you're contractually/legally allowed. Any consequences of that aren't your responsibility.

If someone being off sick results in someone else having their holiday cancelled, that's a result of choices (regarding level of staffing, allocation of work, sick pay policies etc) that your employer has made, and it's for them to deal with. Give it no further thought.

I don't know that sick leave would be appropriate but I would never resent a colleague taking time off for a sick child. If I was aware and able to, I'd also be willing to pick up any slack if they were at work.

I hope it gets easier for you. X

Would never feel resentful of you and would mention you and your dc in your prayers, hoping for their recovery and your return to work.

I manage a team and I would not expect a colleague to be in work. Tying to work while constantly worrying about their child is not going to work for either party.

Without knowing how seriously ill your child is, or how long they are expected to be in hospital, or their age, I would tell my colleague to take at least a month to get their head straight. After that if the child is young, no way should they not have a parent with them at all times, if they are seriously ill, the same. In either of these situations I would not expect you back until your child recovers. If they are older and not seriously ill, I would say reassess the situation in a month.

I'm absolutely appalled at the lack of empathy by some people of this thread. I am very glad I don't work in an environment where if my child was so unwell they needed to be hospitalised long term, I would be resented for it!!! Jesus Christ. I'd be so concerned for my colleague, and would do what I could to support them.

OP, your GP would absolutely sign you off for this. Take a month off to begin with, see how things go. I wouldn't even be thinking about work at a time like this. Maybe as time passes, things will get easier and you may be able to work a little bit but not right now. I'm so sorry you're having a difficult time, thinking positive thoughts for you

You are in a horrible situation. Don't worry about others. Look after you and your own. This sort of thing is what managers are getting their pay for.

Except she is actually sick!

She said she could work by her very ill child’s bedside, purely because of the pressure that she’s under. She’s trying to please everyone, which will not end well.

So, as her GP, would you agree that’s a good course of action to try to continue to work in such extenuating circumstances? She’s already showing mental health illness, so let’s push her further and force her to a full breakdown?

Would you advise someone with a broken leg, that could hop about, but would possibly further the damage to their leg to continue hopping, or would you advise rest with leg elevation?

let’s be really honest here, you don’t accept mental health issues as being sick?

She is personally sick, you mean she’s not physically sick, it’s mental health illness, which clearly you don’t recognise.

Its 2025 and still people have this appalling attitude.

I hope you’re not a manager or business owner.

Your child is in hospital and you are clearly stressed.

Your colleagues holiday or staffing issues are your manager and employer's concern, not yours. It's up to them to address and plan for that.

I say this as a manager. You need time off, take it.

i think there’s been a huge amount of sympathy on this thread for OP but people have acknowledged that the other employee would be annoyed with their joint employer especially if they’ve paid significant money for a holiday they’re now being denied but people have been clear that annoyance would be directed at the employer. I think that’s logical.

I would take it of course. The only thing I will say is to be aware you may have no sick pay for yourself if you get sick (if you take it all) .i suppose that depends on your workplaces own policies

Sorry where did she say her DC was poorly?

I read seriously ill?

Why have you decided to downgrade it to “poorly”?

Do you know the actual difference?

Do you have comprehension issues or just lack of empathy? Or both perhaps?

OP very sorry to hear your situation and understand that you are trying to spread yourself far too thinly to please everyone, maybe consider stopping that?
You say that your employer is aware of the situation. Can you have a free and frank discussion with them as to how to resolve the various issues and ask what they would suggest?
Make a list of your non-negotiables, but also areas, where you would be prepared or able to compromise.