Would you resent me if I was your employee or colleague ?

[Jimisnotmyname]

DC is seriously ill and inpatient in hospital. Expected to be in for several months. I have been asked by the hospital to be on side to help with various aspects of their care. In theory, I could take my notebook in and work from the ward (and do some catch up at night from home) but I am not coping. I am falling apart and not coping with anything. Would I be unreasonable to take sick leave? We get 6 months on full pay. I have been with my employer for over a decade and only was once off sick for a month (after major surgery). It would mean my colleague's holiday will have to be cancelled and I would let a lot of people down in my department and I feel hugely guilty about that. But I don't know what else to do. I know the decent thing would be to resign but I need the sick pay to cover bills. Please be honest.

yabu - suck it up and carry on working or resign.
yanbu - get signed off

And if you collapse, what then? You're in hospital or a psychiatric unit, your child is still ill and the work still doesn't get covered.
I get it though, I pushed through something very similar, had a breakdown and then somehow felt that people finally took me seriously "Why didn't you ask for help?!" I did. No one took it seriously enough. I should have advocated for myself and said no, enough, I am not coping. You shouldn't have to get to the point of no return to finally look after yourself too, your daughter needs you to be well, and present, not ill yourself and unable to care for her or yourself.
It's not like you want to go on holiday at the same time, your daughter is seriously ill, you are trying to cope with it all and something needs to give, don't let that something be you.

@Jimisnotmyname please, please, do not heed the posters that have rattled on about being ticked off. You're at breaking point and have every right and need to take care of both your child and your own mental health. You'll likely find far more people at your workplace that are sympathetic to your situation than not. As a manager, I'd encourage you to take this time to focus on what really matters - it's up to your company to ensure cover for hols etc., not you. Perhaps best to avoid looking at negative comments, although you've asked for a balanced view. The fact is you can't be in two places at once and one of those places is so far higher up the ladder of importance than the other that it shouldn't even be an issue.

Well both of those reactions are highly unprofessional and I'm sure you are aware shouldn't be in the workplace. I very much doubt I would come across an employee with those reactions in my practice but if I did it most certainly would not muster any empathy.

OP my point was I would try to help a valued employee as much as I could within the realms of business needs if i could see they had tried to help me by trying other things first like sharing the burden with their husband etc. However if I felt my employee hadn't tried to mitigate impact on my business also then I would turn to my HR team and provide the minimum required by law and within your contract. I was suggesting if you could meet your employer half way during this period rather than 6 months of sick, it would be noted by someone like me.

My view may be irrelevant depending on where you work. A large company with shareholders or a Government body will react very differently to a business such as mine where my relationship with my employees are more personal. I'm talking from the point of a small business with 120ish employees who I interact with every working day.

My sick pay is far less generous than that you are discussing. And I keep it at that level to provide opportunity to go above and beyond it at my discretion.

Your situation is not stagnant it will keep evolving and developing. Keep talking to your employer and show willing as far as you can and ask for their help where you need it.

If they are a good employer and you a good employee which you sound to be, its worth trying to work with them to find a solution first.

I wouldn’t have given to shits about being “professional” when my baby was sick. I didn’t know if he was going to survive. It was the lowest months of my life. I don’t come through it unscathed. I have a host of mental health issues from that time.

It would have been a completely normal reaction twat from work trying to come up with solutions to get me to come back to a job when my baby was hooked up to drips and monitors, eveyday a new issue, everyday Drs telling me I should prepare for the worst.

I wouldn’t have given a shit if it “mustered up empathy”. Christ, what’s wrong with people? You might be a slave to your job. I don’t get it at all. Do you think your company cares about you?

If OP goes to her GP and he decides she’s sick, then she’s sick!

it doesn’t get switched on and off.

She’s not asking for parental leave, she’s asking if she should contact her GP, she’s not sleeping, eating and is losing weight.

If her DH can do some of the care, then OP shouldn’t go back to work, she should take a much needed break and try to heal her MH sickness. Then she will recover quicker and be back to work swifter, making everyone’s life better.

I’ve no doubt that her GP will feel she’s unfit for work.

How is your baby now @Mydogisamassivetwat

You dc is more important than any holiday of anyones

Any manager worth their salt would realise that a short reset and coming back to work in a better place to do their best work is much better than an ill employee who then needs longer to recover and regroup.

Ignore those who lack empathy, and take the leave. Your mental health is important- it's easy to harm it, and difficult to repair it.

It sounds a shit company so OP needs to do what is right for her and her family.

Hopefully her colleague might be in a position to tell management they are taking holiday regardless and resign leaving management to pick up all the slack. Unlikely I know but it would serve them right.

Just remember we're all only a number where employers are concerned.
If for any reason they wanted rid of you, they wouldn't get a shit about you.
And it's up to the company to get cover for holidays, no one should have to cancel a holiday because someone is off sick, that's ridiculous

I am shocked by some of the responses. Are we robots or humans?

OP, you should be confident enough to do what’s right for you and your child, even if it seems worrying. Stand up for your child if you can’t fathom standing up for yourself. Get the help you need and do not worry about what others think. It’s up to your manager and the business as a whole to sort out the work when you’re sick. If they are in a situation that makes it difficult, then it’s a wake up call for them to sort it out.

Another vote for wouldn’t resent you
or you’re daughter. But I would be creating an absolute stink at my work place for denying me my annual leave.

hope your daughter gets well soon as is moved to the specialist unit sooner rather than later

And people wonder why there's high levels of sickness due to mental illness.
Complete arrogance in demanding your employees consider the impact on your business of what is a very stressful situation for anyone, involving a sick child, not of their making, above their own or their child's health and needs in a situation like this, and you'll decide if they're worthy enough of a bit of consideration from you - but only if they 'show willing' - unconditionally.

Where's your 'show willing'? Why wouldn't you actively manage the situation when you can see what's happening and see a good employee declining in front of you instead of placing more pressure and demands on them making the situation worse? Making them deal with more pressure and stress that doesn't need to be added because there's another course of action?

Do it lifes too short

YANBU

If your colleague can't go on their holiday, that is your employers fault not yours.

I think you need to prioritise your wellbeing so you can cope supporting your DC.

If your work is understaffed (which it is if it can't cover sick leave) that's not your problem or responsibility

It sounds like you need some time off. Your colleague's holiday is unlikely to be cancelled, so don't worry about that. Get yourself to the doctors and get some support.

Your focus is your DC.
How your company deals with covering that is none of your concern.
we work to live, not the other way around. How your colleagues feel about the situation or react is their business and is not your business. Kids above all. Good luck x

Sometimes you have to do what is right for you and your family. You won't be able to work properly the way you are, your son needs you, absolutely get signed off. It is not your responsibility regarding the colleague's holiday, your worl will have to manage that, even if it is a specialism. You can't be the be all and end all to them. People get sick, businesses have to manage that, even small ones. Take the time to make sure you are well enough to care for your son.

Please don't struggle through this and collapse. That won't help anyone - not you, not your family, not your colleagues or your company. There's a compromise option here. Get signed off for 2 weeks initially. Have a rest, take a moment to recover. Go back to work after that, cover your colleague's holiday and then reassess how you're doing. If you still can't cope then look at getting signed off for a longer period but don't paint yourself into a corner where you feel you have no options. X

You are clearly ill. You really should get signed off with stress, please ignore some of the other responses. In your situation I would do the exact same. It isn’t your fault there is no one to cover your colleague.

Absolutely do it if that's what you think you need. Don't worry about what others think. It's managements job to sort out the colleagues leave.
Only thing I would caution is to think about if not working for 6 months is genuinely best for you - sometimes the distraction of work can be beneficial, it occupies our mind from some of the difficulties faced - can you do part time and/or get signed off month by month maybe?
Best wishes to you and your child. At the end of the day do what is best for ye x

See your GP, you need time off. If you can get sick leave and be paid to be at your daughter’s side when she needs you the most then so much the better.
Nobody is going to remember that you stayed at work to cover their AL. In ten years’ time you won’t even know each other’s names. You’ll see your daughter every day however, and crippling guilt that you didn’t spend more time with her so somebody she’ll never meet could go on holiday isn’t something you want.
I’ve been in a very similar situation myself and wish I’d done things differently.

Sign yourself off sick / it’s about priorities and your child needs you

@Jimisnotmyname you sound burnt out. Last year my husband had a heart attack and then a triple bypass I continued to work through this. I burned myself out totally and ended leaving a job I loved, because I couldn't see any other way forward.
If it had been one of my team I would have checked in on them and suggested that they should see their GP. But I was made to feel that the business would not survive without me. I recognise now that my boss was wrong and should have a better duty of care to me.
Please see your GP tell them exactly how you are feeling.