Would you resent me if I was your employee or colleague ?

[Jimisnotmyname]

DC is seriously ill and inpatient in hospital. Expected to be in for several months. I have been asked by the hospital to be on side to help with various aspects of their care. In theory, I could take my notebook in and work from the ward (and do some catch up at night from home) but I am not coping. I am falling apart and not coping with anything. Would I be unreasonable to take sick leave? We get 6 months on full pay. I have been with my employer for over a decade and only was once off sick for a month (after major surgery). It would mean my colleague's holiday will have to be cancelled and I would let a lot of people down in my department and I feel hugely guilty about that. But I don't know what else to do. I know the decent thing would be to resign but I need the sick pay to cover bills. Please be honest.

yabu - suck it up and carry on working or resign.
yanbu - get signed off

If you were my colleague I absolutely would understand and not resent you. Even if my holiday were cancelled, this is what travel insurance is for and for the company to worry about. A sick child and looking after yourself trumps a holiday, no matter how needed and I hope most people would be understanding.

You are replaceable at work, but you aren’t replaceable at home. Your child is really unwell and needs you. You can’t do your job properly if you are needed elsewhere. Nobody would choose this situation and a stress reaction is a valid reason for a sick note. Get the fit note and forget about work. I wish you both well xx

Holiday insurance doesn't cover you for this.

Exactly this, the employer should have a contingency plan in place.

I wouldn’t resent you. You’re going through an awful period x

As an employer - go and get signed off!

You will not perform to your best ability and, whether or not your DH supports you, your mind will not be on the work!

I had this with a colleague last year and again, at the moment. Their DC is grown up but they can't concentrate because they are worrying about them, it's natural for a parent. They won't go home because they'll have more time to think about their DC and so it's a vicious circle!

Get signed off. It feels huge right now (the idea of signing off and not being in work for a chunk of time), but you'll look back and realise it really wasn't a big deal to be off work for this time period. What could become a big deal is you burning out and physically and mentally suffering due to having to do too much. What matters is being there with your child and looking after yourself as best you can.

@Jimisnotmyname I actually can't believe the responses that you're getting here. Of course you should go off sick. Get yourself signed off with stress, take the full six months if you need it, don't worry about your colleague's holiday or anything about work; you've got managers to do that for you.

This is exactly the kind of thing that six months of full pay is for. Parental leave is a different thing and isn't designed for the situation that you currently find yourself in. Of course you shouldn't take unpaid leave or resign; you've got bills to pay and that's not changed just because you have an ill child. As someone with long term health issues I've wrestled with a lot of guilt about being off work at various points and the impact on my colleagues, but I can't help my various conditions and you can't help your child being seriously unwell.

Be kind to yourself, take a deep breath and go and get yourself signed off for at least six weeks. I'm so sorry that you're going through this, but please don't give work a second thought from now on.

get signed off - think of your family first!!!

because frankly - you are a number at work - they can replace you quickly. Your family need YOU, there is one of you.

be there. It matters!

Get signed off. No my work would not resent me and close colleagues would be managed by my manager or I would be in touch to let them know. I would get sick pay through our insurance scheme and they would backfill me while I was off. I can't think of anyone I work with who resent me for this.

I would resist the hospital’s request for you to do their work for them. You may be too stressed to work with how sick your DC is, but it sounds like your DH isn’t, so I can see why people are questioning why you are. If you didn’t have access to 6 months paid leave would you even be contemplating this?

If the stress is because of the burden of taking on additional caring that will interfere with your ability to work, then I don’t think it’s reasonable to take sick leave to facilitate your ability to do that. And like a PP, if I was your employer I would not be happy at your expectation that I pay you sick leave so your DH can keep working without interruption and you can all enjoy a higher standard of living at my expense when you aren’t doing any work for me.

The issue with your colleague and holidays is a different matter. I can see why she would be annoyed (furious, even) at having her holiday cancelled. But this is down to your employer, not you. Realistically, she may well blame you for it a bit (though I think most women with children would have some compassion for your situation if they knew about it) but it’s your employer who she should be looking to blame here. If this wasn’t a job share what would they do to cover holiday? Their insistence you can’t both be off seems very unreasonable.

Hospitals generally expect at least one parent to always be available for their child as they physically can't always be there to be sure the child has had a shower, brushed their teeth and other things which is more parenting rather than nursing.

OP also has other children who need to be looked after by DH as well as him needing to work because they still need to survive. Having a child in hospital is incredibly expensive, especially if they are there long term.

I disagree. I think people have empathy and are in agreement that she needs to be with the child. However a lot of people are simply being honest in saying if there leave got cancelled or they had to pick up the workload then they would find it frustrating. Would you not feel the same?

lots of parents wouldn’t be able to do this - single parent families with other children, or where the parent needs to work, for instance. Hospitals relying on parents for care is common but it’s not something they can insist on. And employers are rightly resentful if they are expected to subsidize the NHS by paying parents’ salaries while they do that job instead of the job the employers are paying them for.

I would 1000% take the sick leave. I would waste no more time worrying about what it will mean for other people.

Your colleagues holiday should not be dependent on you not being sick/on leave. But it's not your problem.

Well thats a bad assumption on my part as I thought it would cover an inability to go. But in that case it would be the employers issue to solve if the holiday was booked and paid.

But my point stands that I would never blame someone trying to look after their child, that would trump a holiday for me.

Indeed in fact the company unless they agree to cover costs plus extra since the other person will be not able to take any leave for months apparently might find the employee just goes and quits their job anyway.

My son was in hospital for 10 months including different wards and every single child always had a parent/carer with them except for occasions when parents were swapping over as they had other children at home and there would be a little gap before the other parent arrived or they would nip out briefly for something but never nothing like leaving the child for full working days. Plenty of families didn't even live (or work) in the same city as the hospital.

Unless your contract says otherwise, an employer can cancel your leave providing they give you notice equal to the length of time you are taking off. Any costs you incur are, legally, your own. But, as a PP says, quitting would be a pretty likely response by an employee whose employer tried to pull that on them and leave them with the costs.

I don’t doubt most parents manage one way or another. My SiL took unpaid leave when one of hers was in hospital for months. One of my best friends had her parents come and stay. But I have known of several who were not able to be there 24/7 because they needed to look after their other children and had no support.

It still doesn’t make it the employers’ responsibility to subsidize OP’s family so they can do this without worrying about money. If the stress is about wanting to provide care during work hours it’s taking the piss to expect employers to pay you to do that. It’s the sort of thing that encourages employers to surreptitiously discriminate against mothers and/or lower sickness benefits for everyone.

Your link (which only provides any significant information on Statutory Sick pay (which is ultimately covered by the government, not the employer).

Marchitectmummy was talking about seeing if she could reduce her burden, as an employer, within the law. Which is a valid concern for any business owner who wants to be able to continue to employ people for a long time to come.

I’d be furious if I had to cancel a holiday, but I’d not be furious with you OP. The company needs to sort cover.

I had to quit my job in the end. Even now that he's been out of hospital for 2 months, he still isn't back to school yet and when he does go back, it will be part time to start with.

Long hospital stays are a nightmare in more ways than one.

If you are a parent with a child in hospital if is unlikely you will be well in yourself, you will be suffering from stress and will struggle to be mentally and physically capable of putting full effort into a job.

So OP and her DH should both be off sick?

Probably