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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parents want to take us away but unprepared to consider children's needs?

156 replies

MamaFifi05 · 14/03/2025 01:32

I am totally aware this is a first world problem but want to know AIBU? My parents want to take me and my brother (along with our partners and my two children, 2 and 2 months) away for a weekend to celebrate my Dad's 70th and my husband's 40th birthdays. This sounds great in principle but all the places my Mum has found are unsuitable for our children (very steep stair ladder to the only room our toddler could use as an example). I've shared some alternative suggestions of properties nearby to the ones she's found, but she's implying I am ungrateful for not going ahead with her suggestions. I can foresee a stressful weekend for us all if I just agree but don't know whether to just accept that it's going to be inconvenient for us and go ahead. It doesn't really feel like a 'gift' if we have little or no say in the arrangements, and we don't enjoy the weekend because of that.

OP posts:
TwattyMcFuckFace · 14/03/2025 01:40

Can you take the toddler in to your room?

What was wrong with her other suggestions?

codingblue · 14/03/2025 01:44

put your toddler in your room

McSpoot · 14/03/2025 01:46

Are the places that you're suggesting more expensive or otherwise less desirable?

But, it's an invitation, not a royal decree. If it doesn't work for you, don't go (though only you know how your parents will react to that).

Whatifitallgoesright · 14/03/2025 01:49

What was her reaction to your safety concerns?

Original poster
MamaFifi05 · 14/03/2025 01:50

We could put the toddler in with us but she's used to being in her own room and we have a very noisy newborn who wakes up regularly to feed. DC1 is a light sleeper who doesn't cope well with being disrupted which would likely mean little to no sleep for everyone, and mega meltdowns during the day if she's tired.

OP posts:
Juiceinacup · 14/03/2025 01:50

Do you actually want to go away for a family weekend? Is this inflexibility just about the accommodation or about many other issues?
if you want to go and it’s only minor inconveniences I would go, anything potentially dangerous, and they refused to make changes I would just decline politely.

Original poster
MamaFifi05 · 14/03/2025 01:53

McSpoot · 14/03/2025 01:46

Are the places that you're suggesting more expensive or otherwise less desirable?

But, it's an invitation, not a royal decree. If it doesn't work for you, don't go (though only you know how your parents will react to that).

I'd say marginally more expensive because they are bigger places (I've offered to cover the difference)

OP posts:
emanre · 14/03/2025 01:53

When you told them that property is unsuitable how did they respond?

Original poster
MamaFifi05 · 14/03/2025 01:56

Whatifitallgoesright · 14/03/2025 01:49

What was her reaction to your safety concerns?

She's from the 80s/90s parenting era where kids just slot into the adults' plan so there's no real reaction other than she has chosen a couple of options she's happy with and isn't prepared to discuss why they don't work for us with the children.

OP posts:
PrincessOfPreschool · 14/03/2025 01:56

It's hard to tell from your post. Obviously the loft room would be difficult unless dh sleeps with the toddler in that room whilst you sleep in room with baby. However, if that's the worst of it then maybe you are being a bit picky? Or do your parents have form for riding roughshod over everyone else and this is just the latest example?

farmlife2 · 14/03/2025 02:04

I'd just take the toddler into my room if that's the only issue, and deal with it.

Original poster
MamaFifi05 · 14/03/2025 02:06

PrincessOfPreschool · 14/03/2025 01:56

It's hard to tell from your post. Obviously the loft room would be difficult unless dh sleeps with the toddler in that room whilst you sleep in room with baby. However, if that's the worst of it then maybe you are being a bit picky? Or do your parents have form for riding roughshod over everyone else and this is just the latest example?

I think it's probably fair to say I am being a bit picky...but I just don't want everyone to have a miserable weekend (least of all my Dad/husband on their birthdays) because we've chosen somewhere inappropriate/unsafe to stay with the kids when there are alternatives that would work for everyone. And yes, my Mum has a history of being difficult/controlling with very little regard to other people's needs.

OP posts:
savethatkitty · 14/03/2025 02:18

It's a weekend not a lifetime.

Surely you can put yourself out. Sounds like you are making excuses.

EggFriedRiceAndChips · 14/03/2025 02:23

I agree it sounds pretty stressful. If you have small children you have to do things around their needs first.

Fingerscrossedfor2021HK · 14/03/2025 02:37

You aren’t being in the slightest unreasonable! I would never voluntarily share a room with my toddler - he wouldn’t sleep and neither would we. Adding a tiny baby into the mix and this sounds awful and your mom is being unreasonable if she thinks that anyone will enjoy a break with two fractious and underslept children.

I would try to calmly explain why the options that she is suggesting don’t work for you. If she won’t budge then tell her that you can’t go and instead plan a nice family dinner to celebrate instead.

RickiRaccoon · 14/03/2025 03:02

If she's not listening when you suggest alternatives, I think it comes down to do you think you could put up with it (and is it close enough that you could come home early if needed).

We went on a weekend away with family for my DM's 70th somewhere with steep stairs and a high balcony. I was freaked out the whole weekend the toddler was going to fall. My DM also booked a dinner out and all I remember is the 4 parents spent the whole time subbing in and out running after kids and holding the baby. I ate soggy, cold dinner about 30 min after everyone else. The weekend wasn't very enjoyable for me but my DM did enjoy it.

My DH and I have also squashed into a bedroom with a baby and toddler at my ILs. Again, not fun but doable.

For me part of having small children has definitely been having quite stressful weekends away with family who seem bemused you're not having a very good time.

TheSandgroper · 14/03/2025 03:02

If your mother has a history of being bullheaded, I would just be bullheaded back. Fuck her.

“No, I’m not doing that “ works for me just fine when I need it to

You are a grown adult with a family of your own. You get to make decisions, too.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 14/03/2025 03:06

Unless you can get suitable accommodation it seems like it's just not the right time to go away for the weekend with you NB.

jellyfishperiwinkle · 14/03/2025 03:13

They sound thoughtless. It's not going to be fun for anyone having a tiny baby and toddler in a place they can't sleep. It wouldn't be hard to find somewhere more suitable.

LifeIsShiteEnoughAlready · 14/03/2025 03:25

Your mother sounds like a control freak and bloody selfish with it. No way would I put myself out to accommodate her pig-headed demands.

If she's unwilling to bend even slightly, tell her to keep her "gift". Let her enjoy the weekend, and the fruits of her stubbornness, without you and your kids.

Don't fall for the inevitable "poor me" act once it all blows up in her face neither.

She knows what she's doing. She is pissing on the family to mark her dominance. Sod her.

RawBloomers · 14/03/2025 04:17

YANBU OP. You have a 2 month old baby and a toddler. If you don’t avoid the things that make them tired and grumpy the week end will be miserable for everyone. And you are probably sleep deprived and really not in the best place for being super flexible or diplomatic in how you express things (because sleep deprivation lowers people’s capacity for these types of tasks).

How would your mum take it if you said something along the lines of “For goodness sake mum, don’t you remember what it was like with two tiny kids and a bunch of adults pretending you can just get on with things? It won’t work - the DC and I will not get enough sleep and we will hate it, and you will be upset that the kids are upset. If you want a good time with the kids and me there, it needs to be kid and recent mum friendly. If you want an adult weekend away with Dad, take him for a weekend. It wil be great and lovely way to celebrate. We can take you for lunch another weekend.”?

Hungryhungryrhino · 14/03/2025 04:34

Thanks but no thanks. Obviously you could try dh in with toddler but if that doesn’t work and you think theres no way to make any of the options work and she won’t discuss an alternative I think that’s her problem.
Fwiw I wouldn’t have gone anywhere with a 2 month old that was going to make my life even a fraction harder.

Meadowfinch · 14/03/2025 04:52

Can you pay for (and choose) your own accomodation nearby. Let them pay for your food etc.

GRex · 14/03/2025 04:56

We would share a room, but appreciate that can't work for you. BILfamily are like you where they all sleep apart, so we just accept they need a lot more bedrooms than we do. Given she said no to the bigger place, it may be best to find a 2 bed place nearby that works for the 4 of you and suggest you'll pay for that while she books the other. Then you get to be comfortable, or she decides to compromise. When she realises she actually wants you in the same place, I expect she'll work with you on what you need to stay there.

Toddlerteaplease · 14/03/2025 05:18

was the toddler going to have their own room? Im
not sure how well that would go when in a strange place.