Parents want to take us away but unprepared to consider children's needs?

[MamaFifi05]

I am totally aware this is a first world problem but want to know AIBU? My parents want to take me and my brother (along with our partners and my two children, 2 and 2 months) away for a weekend to celebrate my Dad's 70th and my husband's 40th birthdays. This sounds great in principle but all the places my Mum has found are unsuitable for our children (very steep stair ladder to the only room our toddler could use as an example). I've shared some alternative suggestions of properties nearby to the ones she's found, but she's implying I am ungrateful for not going ahead with her suggestions. I can foresee a stressful weekend for us all if I just agree but don't know whether to just accept that it's going to be inconvenient for us and go ahead. It doesn't really feel like a 'gift' if we have little or no say in the arrangements, and we don't enjoy the weekend because of that.

Not sure why this but if it’s any comfort this nonsense is REALLY common.

2 separate friends had the same issue are we’re talking to me about it in the last couple of weeks.

one is just going to keep dodging and avoiding it and whatever happens her and her DH are agreed they won’t go.

other one is feeling stuck - it’s still a villa in the middle of nowhere, pool with no guards in a 4 beds for 6 adults and 4 children. Expectation is her entire family (her kids are 4 and 1.5) sleep in one room for the duration while her brothers kids get their own room 🥴
pressure from her parents is high with no option of compromise as they booked it non refundable and told her post fact

Book your own accommodation just down the road from theirs. If she's being a pain about this just imagine how much fuss she will make when your toddler and baby's needs get your full attention on the actual trip e.g You have to leave dinner to feed the baby or put the toddler to bed.

Your parents have forgotten the toddler years. A weekend parenting without the tools that make parenting easier is just hard work, most of us would rather just stay home - YANBU.

I wouldn't go, it doesn't sound like much of a treat if she is refusing to consider your DC requirements or compromise and let you pay the difference.

For the past 4 years my ILs have offered to pay for the whole family to go abroad together. We’ve only been 1 of those years because the arrangements didn’t suit us with a small child.

This year is Mauritius. It’s a 12 hour flight, plus a flight to London first and a 5 hour wait in London. We’ve said thanks but no thanks. It’s not something we want to do with a 3 year old.

Our attitude has always been we don’t expect them to change their plans to accommodate us but if they make plans that don’t work for our small child we won’t take any guilt trips about not going.

It’s supposed to be a treat, not something you dread.

I always had a lot of comments about how chilled I was with my children when they were little but when I wouldn't even consider this. Toddlers can very easily climb out of a travel cot and what if they then attempted the ladder?

“Mum I love that you want us all to get together, but I don’t understand why you’re happy for (toddler’s name) to be so upset all weekend. What is it about this particular accommodation option that you’ve got your heart set on?”

Rather than leading with what makes it unsuitable for you, turn it around to get her to explain why it’s perfect for her. And then respond to each thing with a little laugh and bat it away like she’s the one being unreasonable:

”It’s got a lovely fireplace.”
”So has this one down the road.”
”The pictures show some lovely views from the kitchen window.”
”Haha I hope there’s a lock on the door so we can hide from XX screaming from no sleep!”
”It’s walking distance to a lovely pub.”
”You’re so funny with your need to be near a boozer.”
”I don’t need to be near a boozer!”
”That’s great then, maybe this one will work better for us then?”

I don't think YABU OP. We have a toddler as well and relatives who wanted us to join them on a long haul holiday and stay in a very nice hotel for 10 days. Special occasion and they were prepared to foot the bill. But our DC is the most horrendous traveller and we simply could not face taking him for 10 hours each way on a flight. The chosen hotel was entirely adults orientated, including all meal times. They weren't interested in looking at more child friendly accommodation because they were paying so thought it should be their choice (kind of fair enough) So we politely declined.

You have to deal with your kids being unsettled/tired/tantrumming - not them. I would not be up for a weekend away that's just going to make your whole family totally exhausted. Say you'd love to go away together when kids are bigger.

Book a place nearby and then you can control your children's schedules.

I think this is a rubbish way to celebrate your husband's 40th so surely just refuse on those grounds.

I didn't have my first child until 2006 and to a certain extent they had to fit around adult plans....just like we fit around them for a large percentage of the time.
I find that parents who try and force the world to fit around their children are setting themselves up for stress later on when they can't make the world a perfect place for their children.

"We will not be coming to any house where my children won't be safe. Please don't book a place that has rooms for us that aren't safe for a toddler. If you like you can book something for you and dad and (brother&partner) and me &dh will find somewhere nearby that we can stay in. Or we can continue hunting together for somewhere big enough for all of us that is safe for a toddler."

This is a good plan!

Put the toddler in the room of your parents then they can look after him. Let’s see what they think about that.

They should refuse because YOU think it’s a rubbish way to celebrate? Hilarious.

You haven’t said what the issues with the properties are so it’s hard to tell whether you’re being overly picky, other than the stair ladder to the bedroom which I agree is impractical.
However if they really are all unsuitable then put your foot down and be firm with your mum - “it’s a lovely idea mum but we won’t be able to come unless the place is suitable for our children’s needs as it would make the weekend stressful for us, rather than enjoyable.”
If she continues to try and insist, just stick to your boundary and repeat every time, “sorry but that place wouldn’t work for us”. She’s not in charge of you - you’re an adult with your own children who has the right to make their own decisions about what’s best for them.

Don't malign a generation of parents! Your mother's attitude is hers, and hers alone.

This, honestly. It isn’t really a special treat if everyone (in your immediate family anyway!) is just going to end up ratty and tired!

TBH I think staying in rental properties with very small children is fairly nightmarish. I did it for the first time when our youngest DC was 2.5 and the older children were out all day skiing - and it was a huge house. But before that I only wanted to stay with my parents or in hotels that were clearly child-friendly.

You really expect your toddler to have their own room on a weekend break? Our dc had their own rooms at home always, but never on a holiday. Sometimes we all 4 shared a room, even when they were in their teens.

I don't understand why your mum is being difficult when you've found other suitable places and are offering to pay the difference. Is she being bloody minded or are your places less luxurious/more remote etc.? Either way I just wouldn't go if there's zero compromise. If you put yourself out it won't be appreciated and will set a precedent for the future.

I wouldn't dream of doing this if I had young grandchildren. And for those saying the kids have to slot in in favour of the adults, the OP is one of the adults and it would be miserable for her.

If it was for your DM and DDad celebration only then I would say YABU, but your DH will have a crap birthday if he’s constantly worried or the kids are overtired! It either works for you or you explain to your mum that you’d rather pay your own way and do your own thing.

I am the 80s baby with a similar attitude as an adult too. I don't understand the problem. A toddler will be sleeping in the room so it's two trips up a ladder per day. Something they surely do multiple times in one trip to the playground.
And someone being terrified of balconies ... Well, people do live their entire lives in flats with balconies and I am not sure statistics of babies falling off them routinely support this worry. There are 5 babies in my family who were brought up in a flat on the 4th floor. We were even put on a balcony in a pram for naps. We all made it to adulthood.