Parents want to take us away but unprepared to consider children's needs?

[MamaFifi05]

I am totally aware this is a first world problem but want to know AIBU? My parents want to take me and my brother (along with our partners and my two children, 2 and 2 months) away for a weekend to celebrate my Dad's 70th and my husband's 40th birthdays. This sounds great in principle but all the places my Mum has found are unsuitable for our children (very steep stair ladder to the only room our toddler could use as an example). I've shared some alternative suggestions of properties nearby to the ones she's found, but she's implying I am ungrateful for not going ahead with her suggestions. I can foresee a stressful weekend for us all if I just agree but don't know whether to just accept that it's going to be inconvenient for us and go ahead. It doesn't really feel like a 'gift' if we have little or no say in the arrangements, and we don't enjoy the weekend because of that.

It may be well and good, or indeed best, if toddler has their own room at home but you’ll likely find they won’t want to be in a different strange room, in a strange house and you’ll have them in your room anyway pretty quickly. That would have been the case with all of mine.

If this likely scenario should eventuate, imagine how you will look/feel after insisting on a change in venue just so your toddler could end up in your room anyway! Egg and face seem to come to mind.

Unless there are other significant reasons why her choice is unsuitable you sound like you're being quite precious about some very short-term sleeping arrangements.

Not sure why this nonsense is about 80s and 90s babies either. I was a baby in the 80s. I had my babies in the late 10s and I very much subscribe to what you call an 80s attitude of children fitting in with adult plans as much as possible.

We stopped having holidays with the ILs precisely because they didn't consider the DCs needs. The worst was FILs 80th, MIL had organised a massive extended family get together, I was heavily pregnant with DC3 and our first two were still preschool. We were considered extremely awkward because the kids were struggling with the mealtimes, FIL wanted to eat breakfast at 10am, lunch at 2pm and dinner at 10pm! We ate breakfast and lunch earlier (kids were waking earlier and earlier as the week went on in that bizarre way small DC do when they are tired) but the big formal dinners were a nightmare, our kids were getting more and more exhausted as the week went on and FIL told me very grumpily they had to fit round the adults timetable and would not consider bringing forward the meal or even letting them eat earlier so they could be in bed while the adults ate (I've never been one of those parents who was strict about a 7pm bedtime for my DC so I wasn't being unreasonable, they could have easily coped with e.g. an 8pm dinner on holiday). FIL is now long gone but BIL has tendencies the same way, he told me we were parochial for eating lunch before 2pm (this was while he was a guest in my house for Christmas).

I think some posters have forgotten what it's like or had very easy sleepers. Not all toddlers can just get on with it for a weekend!

One of mine would sleep 12hours solid but only if left undisturbed, he hated any light in his room. If he was ever woken in the night it would result in a 2hour tantrum of wailing- hard to ever really address as he was woke so rarely.

My other would happily pass out anywhere and resettled very easily.

If you've got the first child then it's just not worth it. You'll be tired, toddler will be tired and baby will be tired.

I would just keep saying that her option doesn't work for you and you want everyone to enjoy themselves.

Why don't you just go for the day, enjoy a nice relaxed meal, even offer to help prepare it while your DH cares for your DC, play a part but don't get sucked in, if you don't want to be.

cuts out the issues with sleeping accommodation and associated hassle.

reclaim control, offer a compromise solution and don't allow yourself to be railroaded into doing something you don't want to do.

I think when you have a 2 month old it’s ok to be fussy as it’s already stressful with a toddler and newborn. It’s also fine to say no to the family holiday if it just doesn’t sound like it’ll be fun at this stage.

Also I tried to be relaxed mum when my first was about 10months. We stayed with in laws in a house with an open spiral staircase- they kept laughing at my attempts to block it off with a sofa. I left 10month old with 3 adults to go for a wee, came back and he was literally hanging by his vest off a step over my head. Adults all shocked when I ran over, they thought he was on the floor somewhere.

In laws did finally start listening to my safety concerns after that and mil build a pool fence.

What's wrong with the other option she gave?

An air bnb 5 minutes away. Blame the baby ( terrible crier) and then just leave when you want to leave.

Also wondering this

The issue with the short term sleeping arrangements not being great is that the impact is immediate and counter to the point of the holiday. It’s not like OP is worrying that if she goes it will destroy their routine when they get home. She’s worried because it’s likely to make her whole family miserable for the time they are there.

One of the reasons fewer women nowadays try to have their kids fit in with the adults is because women have more power now so are saying “No” when it doesn’t really work for them - something fewer of them felt able to do in past decades. Of course some kids do fit in easily, so if you have DC who will sleep when things are different and are chill with changing routines then there’s no need to be picky. You can look forward to a good time even if you have to cram into a room or your kids stay up until midnight. But kids in the past weren’t necessarily less fussy overall - it was just acceptable for the kids who weren’t chill to be miserable or for their mums to have to take them off to a room and keep them quiet while everyone else had a good time.

Given the history of her being controlling, I think you just have to say 'the accommodation doesn't work so we are going to pass'. It's an invitation not a summons.

She will say you're ungrateful. But that is presumably a way she gets you to toe the line.

What does your DH want to do for his birthday?

It sounds like the gift that is being offered is to celebrate your dads 70th and 40th but in cramped unsuitable accommodation..

what would your answer be to that offer?

you sound sensible to me rather than ungrateful. Go ahead with pointing out why it wouldn’t work..you have a baby ffs that needs accommodating, full stop. Your mum can imply what she likes, you don’t need to take the bait🎣

Well said!

I can’t believe people on here are suggesting to just “chill” or whatever. I haven’t got children and can see what’s needed just from being around others

and also that “we did it, so you should suck it up” attitude completely discounts all progress been made that people don’t have to suck it up now, in this case women!

Not necessarily. If it’s what they are used to. I can’t remember a single time as a toddler when away that I had to bringt her into my room.

I think YANBU. I am of the slot in where possible for DC and thug things out for a weekend mentality. But you have a tiny baby and sleep is paramount and this doesn’t sound very fun for your DH’s birthday.

I never get this attitude. The whole point is to have a nice fun weekend away to celebrate birthdays. The idea that OP should just put up with whatever to make someone else happy, while she has a horrible time is just bizarre. Why should she? What's the point of going then?

If she can't accommodate your kids needs I'd tell her you need to put it on hold until they're older. If you don't get it right you know you'll have a miserable weekend, traveling anywhere with kids that age can be excruciating 💐

Yanbu

If she’s being inflexible you go ahead and do the same “looks lovely if we didn’t have the toddler mum. I want to be able to enjoy the weekend so need somewhere that doesn’t mean I’ll be running round trying to stop her dying in an accident or dealing with meltdowns because she’s not slept well”

Tbh your mum is expecting a lot for you going away with a newborn anyway.

Just put them in a travel cot, surely they don’t have to climb the stairs alone. You sound difficult, it’s only a weekend not your new house.

If she is paying then she gets to pick. So somethings slightly unsuitable… you’ll cope for a weekend surely.

Also i think it’s sometimes healthy for kids to slot into parents plans.

Also if it's for your DHs birthday also, it needs to be a nice time for him. Not sharing a room with you to have the toddler instead is not going to achieve that. Only you know your kids OP. Some of us on here have kids that would be fine, others not so how we would cope is irrelevant. I like the suggestion of a separate B&B or sticking to you guns and paying the difference. Does your brother have a view?

I'm not sure why people are making out the OP is being over fussy about the ladder thing? Of course that's. Not safe for a toddler, especially when in an unfamiliar place, and of course it's not as simple as just putting her in with them if they also have a 2 month year old baby in with them, presumably in a room only designed for 2 not a massive hotel family room. Going away with a 2 month old is hard at any time, never mind the added stress of trying not to wake a toddler sleeping in the same room

However, it sounds like you have turned down others as well. What was the issue with them?

I think it's fine to say you are very grateful for the offer, but these places aren't working for you so if you can't pay the difference on a bigger place, you'll have to leave it sorry. Or could you afford to rent somewhere for the 4 of you nearby?

We had a similar thing when DS was nearly 2. Off season. DM booked us all a week away in her favourite hotel abroad, geared at pensioners. Generous, but she didn’t even ask if it would work or if we wanted to go.

The only way to leave the hotel was by timetabled bus (walking down the narrow mountain road with no pavement and lots of bends with the buggy wouldn’t be safe). Half-board, and dinner was served at 7pm, sometimes 7:30. DS went to bed at 6pm. Parents changed their room for a better view(!), meaning it was out of range of the baby monitor. One of us therefore had to stay in a darkened room with DS every evening, rather than spending the evening together.

Breakfast from 08:00. DS woke at 06:00.

It was freezing cold (October), so the pool was out of bounds. Very little outdoor space otherwise.

She did offer to look after DS for a day. Without us, she couldn’t manage to leave the hotel with him. After that day, with a starving, very active child, who hadn’t had his 2 naps (we came back close to midnight), she has never, ever tried that again.

It my case, DM tends to be a rigid thinker: ‘that’s how I see/imagine it, so that’s the only way to see/imagine it’.

Maybe your mum needs a clear warning how the weekend will be then has to experience it for herself?

YANBU to want toddler friendly accommodation. Its ok to want to make life a bit easier and enjoy a weekend away rather than surviving it!

We stayed in an air bnb with friends and our toddler. It was advertised as baby/toddler friendly but had glass walls/room dividers, very steep stairs and no baby gates. It wasn’t enjoyable for me at all, I couldn’t sit down for fear he was going to break something or injure himself.

We also now have a new baby and when going away in the summer I made sure we have something that actually baby and toddler friendly and works for us. It’s not a treat/holiday/break in anyway if you add to your plate by going to stay in unsuitable accommodation.