Parents want to take us away but unprepared to consider children's needs?

[MamaFifi05]

I am totally aware this is a first world problem but want to know AIBU? My parents want to take me and my brother (along with our partners and my two children, 2 and 2 months) away for a weekend to celebrate my Dad's 70th and my husband's 40th birthdays. This sounds great in principle but all the places my Mum has found are unsuitable for our children (very steep stair ladder to the only room our toddler could use as an example). I've shared some alternative suggestions of properties nearby to the ones she's found, but she's implying I am ungrateful for not going ahead with her suggestions. I can foresee a stressful weekend for us all if I just agree but don't know whether to just accept that it's going to be inconvenient for us and go ahead. It doesn't really feel like a 'gift' if we have little or no say in the arrangements, and we don't enjoy the weekend because of that.

Stand your ground. A stepladder to a toddlers room is an accident waiting to happen, even if the toddler does’t sleep in the room, what if she messes on the ladder anyway? And I was v laid back about where I stayed with babies and young kids (camping, rooms above pubs, cheap hostels etc).

If it’s for your DH’s birthday, he’ll want to relax and enjoy himself and so will you, not be constantly anxious that a toddler is messing on a ladder.

And even 80s and 90s mums thought of their kids’ safety and their own need to relax.

It's impossible to tell who is being unreasonable. You can't expect a holiday home to be just like home. Sure, travelling and being away with young children is tricky but you either want to do it or you don't. I always wanted to join family holidays so I would make it work for my children but then my parents/ wider family aren't unreasonable and we negotiate decisions together. Same with our own family holidays, sometimes odd sleeping arrangements had to be tolerated in order for us to have the holiday we wanted.

Could you find other accommodation for just your little family close by instead?

I can't fathom why you're getting such a hard time when you've suggested alternatives and offered to pay the difference. What reason did your mum give for rejecting those? Is one of your parents concerned about toilet access for example?

I'm all for not being precious but if there's no give then I suspect you + DH might conclude it doesn't work for you 4 as a way to celebrate this birthday so you'll treat him to lunch (or whatever) another time.

I think you should point out very specific things that could affect the 'birthday boys' having a good time. Eg. DH will need to sleep with toddler so they don't try to come down the ladder in the night so he won't get a good night. DDad will need to constantly monitor the toddler in the garden with the pond so he probably won't enjoy it much. Turn it into the fact you're considering birthday people. If your DH and Dad are actually OK with something then maybe you need to be more accommodating.

My children are 13 and 11. I don't think they've ever had the luxury of being given their own room when we've been to stay with relatives, or been away with relatives or friends. To be honest, even when we go away as just us, it's rare they get their own room as it's too expensive!

A 2 year old having her own room on a holiday that someone else is paying for? Seriously??

Stick the 2 yr old in with you, and b grateful!!

Same. And it’s not just at night. They’d have to watch her like a hawk in the day too or they may suddenly hear a big thud.

Which wouldn’t be great for the toddler. She should be able to toddle around where they’re staying without constantly being told no or scooped up.

With toddlers and a baby, stuff can go wrong really fast.

When there are so many far better options, dig in in a low key way and be consistent. If she books it, go quiet and ...don't go. You have made yourself clear.

This would also involve OP putting DH out. On his 40th birthday weekend. Surely her mother can do no actual putting of self out at all in order to secure accommodation that allows both of the birthday boys to be comfortable.

I get what people are saying about kids having their own room being a luxury, but I think one of the kids is 2 months old that is an exception. At that age I would much rather not go away anywhere than have to have a toddler in with a 2 month old. Nights are hellish enough as it is at that stage.

Also, if it's the sort of place with ladders to loft rooms, the bedrooms are most likely tiny. We're not talking about a family room in a hotel here.

I would arrange your own accommodation near by and say that you will spend the days all together but will leave in the evenings to somewhere that is suitable.
If your mother doesn’t like that then remind her that you have provided alternative accommodation which she has turned down and you have already told her that the accommodation she has found is not safe or suitable for your children.
There are three options here:-

1. You go but stay elsewhere.
2. Your mum agrees to change accommodation to something suitable
3. You don’t go and celebrate with your dad another day.

Not unreasonable to ask. Since she's not the flexible type, I guess it's a yes or no from you. I think I would put my foot down because the ladder arrangement might be unsafe as well as impractical. 'So generous of you to invite us, we really appreciate it. The property isn't suitable for our little ones, so regretfully we will have to decline.'

With a 2 year old and a 2 month old, I wouldn't be going and staying anywhere that didn't have suitable accommodation. I would calmly and firmly stick to your guns and tell DM that you need time find somewhere that is suitable for all your needs. If she keeps insisting, I would just say we won't be able to come then.

I don't know why you're getting a hard time either. A shit night with 2 DC so young means a shit weekend. I think some posters have forgotten that. You're no longer at an age where you have to bow down to your Mum. You're allowed to say no, such a kind offer but we'll celebrate with a meal or something once you're back.

I would stand my ground politely if it were me . I would say that I really looking forward to going away with them but the accommodation just won't work and it will be very difficult to cope with especially with a 2 month old. Explain everything to her again and reiterate that you are very happy to pay the extra it costs . Just make her know that you REALLY want to go and you are grateful. She is just stuck in her ways

But there really isn't any need to put herself out when there is a solution. Why go on a holiday that will be stressful?

Exactly!. I would rather stay at home than endure a stressful weekend with a 2 month old and 2 year old. Just too much.

We had a similar issue when mine were younger at a family wedding. My mum took the eldest into her room and we sorted the baby. Suggest this (and see her look of horror)!
But then my mum was a caring grandmother not a selfish, controlling one.

I would not waste a weekend being miserable, when it can be prevented. In your situation I would either book your own accommodations, but if that's not feasible I would celebrate with your dad/husband at a date when everyone is home again.

I think the OP's mum has forgotten that as well.

'It's very kind of you to offer, but we think the children are a bit too young'.

We went away once per year wirh my lovely inlaws both before and after children. We have never been away with my parents as they didnt want to be flexible when we were kids and it would not be a holiday for any of us. Just say no.

Have you checked the details of step ladder house? When we stayed in one with funny steos to a lift room, only children over a certain age could sleep up there.

Unless there is more to this, like the alternatives are further away/smaller rooms/not the same facilities then it seems bonkers to me that she wouldn't work with you to find a solution instead of dogging in that it's her organising the event so you need to slot in (although given what you've said about her parenting style, it's hardly surprising.

The difference is a child may try to go down the ladder unsupervised while half Asleep

Just. Say. No. I mean, your poor husband - why on earth would he want to celebrate his birthday with his in laws? Be polite, but decline. Book your own trip, to suit you.