Parents want to take us away but unprepared to consider children's needs?

[MamaFifi05]

I am totally aware this is a first world problem but want to know AIBU? My parents want to take me and my brother (along with our partners and my two children, 2 and 2 months) away for a weekend to celebrate my Dad's 70th and my husband's 40th birthdays. This sounds great in principle but all the places my Mum has found are unsuitable for our children (very steep stair ladder to the only room our toddler could use as an example). I've shared some alternative suggestions of properties nearby to the ones she's found, but she's implying I am ungrateful for not going ahead with her suggestions. I can foresee a stressful weekend for us all if I just agree but don't know whether to just accept that it's going to be inconvenient for us and go ahead. It doesn't really feel like a 'gift' if we have little or no say in the arrangements, and we don't enjoy the weekend because of that.

If you genuinely don't think the property is safe for your child then you can just say no. Nothing is worth putting your child at risk.
If it's just not as good as you would like then could you consider renting a smaller property nearby for just your family? Or even give your Mum the choice between a different property or you staying in two separate rentals?

Nor do I, but they appear to be looking at holiday lets rather than hotels which is a different thing entirely. I'd have thought the most logical option, with a lightly sleeping toddler and often waking baby was one parent in one room with the toddler and one in the other with the baby. Would never have put ourselves through all in one room accommodation in that scenario!

So this is the latest in controlling/rigid behaviour from your mum.

It doesn't sound like much of a holiday if you have time share a room with a toddler and newborn. All because your mum thinks children should be seen and not heard (including you, her adult children!)

Have you stood up to her before?

Thanks for all the replies, seems the responses are quite a mixed bag but I appreciate all perspectives as I am (as someone pointed out) still quite early post-partum and very sleep deprived! The other holiday let suggested is in the same building as a busy restaurant/cafe and some reviewers have said it was very noisy at all times which doesn't appeal either when we have nap times/early bedtimes to consider. The thing I find a bit difficult is that the area is a very popular holiday destination in the UK and we used to live nearby so I know there are plenty of suitable alternatives within budget. My mum has set her heart on these two (or wants to be the one organising it so isn't keen to hear my suggestions). I definitely don't expect a separate room for my children forever (they will hopefully eventually share a room at home) but the baby wakes the toddler, then no one sleeps and it's miserable. I think the suggestions to look for a family-friendly alternative for just us make the most sense and we can meet for meals/walks out. That way everyone is happy and we won't spend the weekend worrying about our toddler falling down a loft ladder or ruining the birthday weekend by keeping the whole house awake all night.

@MamaFifi05 I'm your mother in this scenario with a GC somewhere between your two and am funding a big family trip next month to celebrate a couple of big birthdays (not mine).

There is absolutely zero chance I would have chosen accommodation without discussing it in depth with the DC who has a child. None. Of course it has to be suitable for the toddler, if anything they are the most important guest to accommodate because there are safety aspects. My DD had the right of veto over anywhere I suggested.

I agree with the notion that the toddler has to fit in a little bit, to the extent that their meal times and/or bed times might require a degree of flexibility, and that not every activity we do will always centre on the toddler's needs. But the place where we are staying? Yes that absolutely, 100% has to be suitable for them.

Oh and for those saying my husband doesn't want to spend his 40th with his in-laws...don't worry he has a whole bunch of other celebrations planned including a big party locally with his friends and family so he won't miss out! 😅

Sounds like she would prefer you get a babysitter or something.

The only compromise I can think of is you sort your own more suitable accomodation out and still join in with the other stuff

I don’t know many two year olds who would willingly sleep on their own in a separate bedroom in an unfamiliar house . Adding dangerous stairs between you and them is just asking for trouble . What you need to plan for is you being with baby and your DH in with the toddler . Stick to your guns

I was in a similar situation a few years ago, my mother's 60th birthday, I had an 18-month-old and the celebration was planned 2 weeks before I was due as my second. Severe SPD meant I could barely walk without a stick and needed a wheelchair for any distance.

I was the one trying to organise a celebration. My suggestion of hosting was shot down as not being special enough. My suggestion of a cottage/Airbnb, so we could spend time together once the toddler was in bed, was shot down because it would be too much work, and my siblings insisted we stay in a hotel because it would be more of a treat... I suggested a lunchtime meal, that wasn't special enough and they grudgingly accepted 7pm as the earliest they would eat. My mum wanted the toddler to be there and be included by the way...

My toddler was a trooper, managed calmly at dinner until 9:00 p.m (don't know how!) but it was hard work. My sibling was then put out that we couldn't socialise in the bar leaving our child in the room. The next morning everyone else was talking about their wonderful restful night, and seemed confused why looked frazzled, slept for 3 hours and I ended up in a chair instead.

I swear I'll never be such a mug again.

"Thank you for trying to book this mum, however toddler wont be sleeping in a room with a loft ladder. Looks like the only option left is baby in your room and toddler in ours, you don't mind being woken up repeatedly through the night do you?"

@Babyboomtastic that sucks, I also had SPD so understand how difficult it can be. We've also been the people sat in the dark/in the ensuite in a hotel room at 9PM with a toddler who won't sleep willingly because they are distracted/overstimulated...so get why it's an experience you aren't keen to repeat. We feel the same after a few disastrous weekends away before DC2 arrived. I think that's one of the reasons why I'm so cautious now...I know how awful it can be! You have a rubbish weekend then drive home exhausted, wondering why on earth you bothered.

My parents have just booked a similar trip for us. They told me the budget and the desired area and then let me pick the most appropriate accommodation as we will have kids pretty much the same age as yours. Because they love me and their grandchildren and want EVERYONE to have a good time!

They realise this means places that might be ideal for them aren’t going to work for us - if they want to be the ones picking then they can go away by themselves. Once you expect toddlers and babies to come then you have to factor their needs into the planning, I’m afraid!

Say no if it dosent work for you.
Just because they are paying they should drop the control and ask what you would like too.
Too controlling.

Your parents are offering you the break they want to offer. All you need to do is accept or decline. If you decline with reasons they can then decide to alter things so you can go, or not. It really is that simple.

For all the reasons you've outlined, "no thankyou, that doesn't work for us" is a totally reasonable response.

Staying elsewhere but nearby sounds a good compromise if your mum's willing to accept that.

Oh come on, stop being so precious and just get on with it.

@5128gap it’s often not that simple with controlling people actually! Do you really think her mum will just so say “ok, no problem, we’ll go without you this time”?! No of course not, it will be guilt trips of “why are you being difficult when I’m just trusting to do something nice?” But of course it’s not nice if OP, her DH and kids will all have a rubbish time.

Which is all the more reason to keep things simple. If the OP gives one straightforward message, we are not going because...then unless the because is removed, they dont go, there really doesn't need to be anymore to say. Her mum can say what she likes, but if OP keeps giving the same response, dripping tap style, then she will have to accept it. The longer OP engages by suggesting different options the longer it's prolonged. When people are trying to control you have to be straightforward, direct and consistent.

I don’t like freebies with strings attached or where someone else has total control because they are paying. I’d rather choose what I want to do and pay for myself. This has happened to us a few times in the past with a relative. It sounds ungrateful but I don’t want a ‘free’ holiday which costs us a fortune paying for meals out and days out that we would never choose to do. Often ended up costing several hundred pounds for a few days for something we hadn’t chosen.

Stopped doing it eventually. I know the money is not the issue here, OP but I recognise the control.
OP, I’d politely decline. No way would I go away with a young baby and a toddler who is expected to climb a ladder to bed.

It's ok to prioritise you & your young children & set boundaries that work for you - first principle here. Regardless of occasion, you don't need to appease your mother by sacrificing feeling safe somewhere with your children. It isn't worth the stress/anxiety. I'd be feeling exactly the same.

You could politely say it isn't going to work with the children so wish them a lovely weekend & offer to celebrate her 70th another time, that works for you & kiddies.

If she finds it so easy to shut off your feelings on things - give her some of that back.

The sensible way round it would be to "ask" what you'd need accommodation-wise having 2 infants. Has she forgotten what sleepless nights were like (probably!) and even a night out takes planning never mind a weekend. Not so bad for the other 2 couples but if your parents had special requirements I'm sure they'd be at the top of the list. You're not being awkward just practical.

I’d take a pass on this one. Way too high stress. Who needs it. It doesn’t sound like fun.

My initial reaction I opened this thread was that your mum is probably normal while you are ridiculously pandering to your spoilt and needy children (countdown to "but they have SEN!")

This post has mostly confirmed it

YABU

"Enjoy your time away as those places aren't suitable for our children and as we can't compromise on elsewhere then we'll be unable to attend". That's it. Plan something else for your partners 40th.

Yes we have similar issues with mil and fil. They will suggest a weekend /week away but want full control and any suggestions of ‘this might be better for kids….’ Is batted away with ‘children need to learn to fit in with everyone else ’ I’d argue the 63 and 65 year old could take some lessons in being flexible!!

Our son is autistic and we found their lack of compromise exhausting so stopped going. I’d say to your mum, “those places aren’t really suitable for dc but I can see you are set on them and you deserve a lovely break, so we will drop out but thank you for inviting us “

Then at least you haven’t wasted time/money/holiday days.