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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter isolated in new city with new boyfriend who won’t go home

286 replies

Feelingabitconfused · 13/03/2025 13:11

Hi fellow Mumsnetters.

I’m not sure whether to voice my concerns, and if so, what I can say without alienating her.

My daughter started at University last October, 5 hours drive from where we live. She has been working in a bar to part fund herself and has met someone who also works there, now her boyfriend. This all started in January, all fine. He is her first serious boyfriend. My main concern is that he’s not been home AT ALL since they got together around 10 weeks ago. He is a local lad, lives with his parents and is nearly 24. They sleep in her very small single bed, they sit and eat their meals on her floor (I know!). Whenever we face time she’s absolutely knackered, yawning throughout the call, he speaks, but refuses to be seen by me on face time, and she’s recently saying she’s completely out of money. We give her £50 per week to buy food etc, we pay all her accommodation, and she works to have more £ for spends. She has at least £100 per week to live on including work money.

Recently she’s been skipping lectures and hasn’t been attending her seminars either. She spends whole days in her room, presumably with this chap. They appear to do nothing together, other than stay in her room.

I know they’re not having sex yet as we’ve discussed this, and she’s very open with me, seeking advice about contraception etc. She has a gp appointment on 20 March for this (she’s not had sex yet) but says she feels like he doesn’t want to have sex as he’s in pain all the time; apparently he’s been run over twice, which might account for his pain levels. Also of concern is that he’s telling her he was beaten up by his parents, held down by his mum so he could take the beating. I don’t know when the last time this happened/ what age he was when this happened to him, but could well account for his reluctance to go home.

I know she’s classed as an adult, being 18, but my feeling is that her boyfriend is almost 24, she’s isolated, somehow broke despite having £100 bare minimum per week, and sharing her very small space with someone who it appears to me, doesn’t want to go home.

I’ve booked a place to stay to go to see her at the start of April - she sent me a screenshot list of her lectures for March so we could plan the trip and there was absolutely no time for me to visit and see her as all lectures were 9-5. I can see on life 360 app she hasn’t moved out of her room for 2 days! She wants the life 360 btw, she said it keeps her safe and she likes to see what we’re doing too.

AIBU? She’s an adult, she has to make her choices and feel the consequences?
AINBU? Have a real discussion with her and voice my concerns?

OP posts:
NugsNotDrugs · 13/03/2025 13:15

Can you go up and see her at the weekend? The whole thing sounds worrying x

H7529 · 13/03/2025 13:15

It does sound a bit concerning. I’d visit her asap, make sure you have some time alone with her like go for a walk, and find out what’s going on.

Dolambslikemintsauce · 13/03/2025 13:17

Can you speak to her manager? Voice your concerns..She may give you a name at least to do some digging.. He doesn't sound like a great bloke...

Lilaccrystal · 13/03/2025 13:19

Yes she’s an adult but you’re also funding her accommodation and and sending her money so I think it’s fair to have an input. It’s totally understandable for you to worry. If she’s skipping lectures and seminars this early on and not leaving the room then I would intervene.

Do not push her away by coming across funny, let her know you’re always there for her. Do not tell her what to do, just advise or make sure she’s ok

MaryMary05 · 13/03/2025 13:19

Make it clear he’s not included in this visit and that you want some quality time just the two of you.

Lilaccrystal · 13/03/2025 13:19

I would also go up this weekend to be honest x

Coffeeishot · 13/03/2025 13:19

It sounds like she's vulnerable and he's taking advantage of that when is her end of semester I'd have her come home insist if you have to, also where is her room is it a shared house she might be breaking her tenancy agreement you might be able to use that angle.

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 13/03/2025 13:20

Yanbu, op, I'd go straight up there

This man, however hurt, is now passing on that trauma to your daughter but keeping her home. Refusing to speak face to face with you is very weird x

Lilaccrystal · 13/03/2025 13:20

MaryMary05 · 13/03/2025 13:19

Make it clear he’s not included in this visit and that you want some quality time just the two of you.

See I think this would push her DD away, also, might be good for OP to meet this guy? Yes to having some alone time but I think telling her that her bf isn’t included isn’t the right thing to do

Celeryindip · 13/03/2025 13:21

You need to get yourself to her OP
Pronto

Coffeeishot · 13/03/2025 13:21

Actually I agree with a pp go this weekend or next if you are working. He's is having her on !

Molstraat · 13/03/2025 13:22

I would be up there and telling her she needs to move home.
He's living off her and taking advantage of her.
Get his name and visit the local police station to ask about.
I would give her two choices, he stays away from her accommodation or she moves home.
She sounds vulnerable and he's a predator.

MissUltraViolet · 13/03/2025 13:22

If she’s been skipping lectures and seminars and hasn’t left her room for two days then why does her schedule matter? I’d be going tomorrow.

I also wouldn’t worry about having to ask for some alone time with her, I bet he disappears for your visit, whenever it is.

I’d be worried.

oustedbymymate · 13/03/2025 13:23

You need to intervene asap. This is very worrying

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/03/2025 13:23

I'd be very worried OP. Sad

I'd go as soon as possible and try to get alone time without him, subtlety. Facials, underwear shopping, anything female you can suggest where you might get her alone.

FairBrickBiscuit · 13/03/2025 13:24

YANBU

Go see her asap and make sure she’s ok xx

Hoppinggreen · 13/03/2025 13:24

Go see her asap
At a minimum this man has issues that she is not equipped to deal with.
Tread carefully or she will shut down but you do need to at least try

Merrilydancing · 13/03/2025 13:25

Please do go up as soon as you can. An almost identical scenario happened to a friend and she ended up dropping out and never really recovered after that as he quickly dumped her and got on with his life.

Bleachbum · 13/03/2025 13:28

She’s in her first year of uni, first year living independently, first boyfriend. This is all very new and she needs help navigating it all as clearly she is making mistakes.

If she were my daughter, I’d be getting the train there today.

Original poster
Feelingabitconfused · 13/03/2025 13:29

I’ve spoken with them both a couple of times on face time. He has some “bants” and chat, but some boundary crossing, for me, in name of jokiness (C word references). Apparently 2 weeks ago they did agree to have 2 days apart but by 6pm on the same day they agreed, he called her asking to come over, and she agreed. I feel she’s not seeing what this looks like. Perhaps showing your responses might help her understand why we’re concerned.

OP posts:
HenDoNot · 13/03/2025 13:33

I’d probably be in the car on my way there right now tbh, I mean, she hasn’t left her room for 2 days, why on earth are you paying any attention to nonsense talk about her “schedule” and her apparent lack of time to see you if you visit?!?

Bizzare.

Original poster
Feelingabitconfused · 13/03/2025 13:33

Thanks so much for your responses. They’re very clear and echo my feelings; I will be going on a visit this weekend.

OP posts:
Londonrach1 · 13/03/2025 13:34

Go up op. Re her not coming back that's vvv common and not to worry about. The money and tiredness you need to go up and see what's happening. Of course they having sex. Shes an adult but young and there's a world of difference between 18 and 24. Go with your gut and go and see your daughter op

Serpentstooth · 13/03/2025 13:35

You had better rescue her. Now, today. She probably won't thank you for it but don't leave her where she's being, used, exploited and demoralised. She may be 'an adult' but she's not fully cooked yet. He's got his own issues. Don't make them hers.

Coffeeishot · 13/03/2025 13:35

Please don't show her this thread because she might show him this thread and that might not be the best for her.