Daughter isolated in new city with new boyfriend who won’t go home

[Feelingabitconfused]

Hi fellow Mumsnetters.

I’m not sure whether to voice my concerns, and if so, what I can say without alienating her.

My daughter started at University last October, 5 hours drive from where we live. She has been working in a bar to part fund herself and has met someone who also works there, now her boyfriend. This all started in January, all fine. He is her first serious boyfriend. My main concern is that he’s not been home AT ALL since they got together around 10 weeks ago. He is a local lad, lives with his parents and is nearly 24. They sleep in her very small single bed, they sit and eat their meals on her floor (I know!). Whenever we face time she’s absolutely knackered, yawning throughout the call, he speaks, but refuses to be seen by me on face time, and she’s recently saying she’s completely out of money. We give her £50 per week to buy food etc, we pay all her accommodation, and she works to have more £ for spends. She has at least £100 per week to live on including work money.

Recently she’s been skipping lectures and hasn’t been attending her seminars either. She spends whole days in her room, presumably with this chap. They appear to do nothing together, other than stay in her room.

I know they’re not having sex yet as we’ve discussed this, and she’s very open with me, seeking advice about contraception etc. She has a gp appointment on 20 March for this (she’s not had sex yet) but says she feels like he doesn’t want to have sex as he’s in pain all the time; apparently he’s been run over twice, which might account for his pain levels. Also of concern is that he’s telling her he was beaten up by his parents, held down by his mum so he could take the beating. I don’t know when the last time this happened/ what age he was when this happened to him, but could well account for his reluctance to go home.

I know she’s classed as an adult, being 18, but my feeling is that her boyfriend is almost 24, she’s isolated, somehow broke despite having £100 bare minimum per week, and sharing her very small space with someone who it appears to me, doesn’t want to go home.

I’ve booked a place to stay to go to see her at the start of April - she sent me a screenshot list of her lectures for March so we could plan the trip and there was absolutely no time for me to visit and see her as all lectures were 9-5. I can see on life 360 app she hasn’t moved out of her room for 2 days! She wants the life 360 btw, she said it keeps her safe and she likes to see what we’re doing too.

AIBU? She’s an adult, she has to make her choices and feel the consequences?
AINBU? Have a real discussion with her and voice my concerns?

I agree that it is likely he is still using some form of substance. His behaviour suggests it and especially the lack of money when he's working and seems to have few outgoings. I am curious to what kinds of drugs he was using in the past. [I was in an abusive relationship for 5 years with a man who turned out to have substance misuse issues and he tried to get me addicted too as a means of controlling me.]

There seem to be a lot of lies and half truths going on. I wouldn't trust either of them.

I agree with PP who said she is having some form of sexual contact with him. They are spending all this time together in her bedroom and not doing anything sexual at their age? As someone else said, there may be possible ED due to drugs, but again that doesn't mean they aren't being intimate in other ways.

I wouldn’t trust either of them at this point, tbh. She’s being very cagey and he was being as subtle as a sledgehammer.

I think you should say it’s a real shame it didn’t work to go away, let’s book that in anyway for another time, when would a few nights suit? And lock it in. Then maybe your dh can find a reason to be up again fairly shortly and visit, just keeping an eye out…

Don't book a thing. Sudden illness, urgent studyjng, friend emergency etc on the cards. She is afraid of losing him and he's obviously anxious to remain wedged between her and her family in the hope you're less tenacious than him. Standard behaviour for the kind of man he is. Visit as often as you can he'll hate that.

As for reporting his illegal living there, I'd do it. She needs a shake up.
Unfortunately she is too immature and selfish to think about the other girls sharing, that won't want her loser boyfriend using the place as a free gaff.
Get in front of it.

Report it to the accommodation operator.

Also the chances of her nuckling down to work next year with him is zero.
This is going to be a financial disaster if money isn't plentiful in your house.

Better she takes a year off and starts paying her own bills rather than another year being paid for.

She has developed bad habits that another year will bank down.

She needs reality, not being subsidised for another year.

OP, reading this thread is like reading my life story! I was the 18 year old girl who ended up in a relationship with a 24 year old waster (not that I saw him as that at the time). I was in my last year of college and he controlled all of my free time from pretty much the moment we got together. He would be waiting for me after college, wanted me to stay at his parents house as often as possible and if I didn't stay overnight would guilt me into waiting for the very last bus home (wouldn't get me home until midnight). When it came to applying for uni he knew I wanted to go away from home for this and he told me he would split up with me if I didn't go to the local one. All of this was framed as being because he loved and cared about me so much.

He worked 20 hours part time in the same job he'd had since he dropped out of college at 16. He spent all his money on alcohol, and a few months into our relationship revealed he also enjoyed drugs. I was young and naive and put up with this for years longer than I should have, probably because he was all I had after his insistance on being with me 24/7 meant that my friendships fell apart.

This pattern continued through uni and I eventually dropped out at the end of my first year, which I think is what he wanted.

My parents tried their best but much like your DD's boyfriend he avoided being around them and looking back, kept me away from them as much as possible. They did their best to warn me about him but this just drove a wedge between us.

In the end I split up with him aged 21. I realised that I was still trying to do my best to progress in life - I'd got myself a half decent job where I met new people, had my eyes opened to all the things I was missing out on and was starting to think long term, whilst he was still rotting away in the same job with no goals other than getting wrecked each weekend. Any moves I made towards improving my life, and therefore spending even a minute less time with him then started a cycle of him accusing me of not caring about him enough, and then eventually accusations that I was a cheat.

All I can recommend from this past experience is keep her close. Don't let him get between the two of you. Do whatever it takes to keep communication between the two of you open and honest. She thinks she knows it all at the moment and giving her ultimatums or trying to tell her what to do will only force her away. You sound like an amazing mum ❤️ she needs to see him for what he is in her own time. I'm now successful in my career, have an amazing partner and am very happy. She's a smart girl and will find her way, just keep being there for her.

She's an adult (just!) but also someone who's welfare you care deeply for, who sounds like she's in an odd, intense and unhealthy relationship that could be detrimental to her. Finding out more and trying to encourage her in her own interests is an act of care, not interference, so I'd not be fobbed off by the 'she's an adult' mantra. She's still financially dependent on you for starters, so you're entitled to know what your money is actually facilitating.

All I can recommend from this past experience is keep her close. Don't let him get between the two of you. Do whatever it takes to keep communication between the two of you open and honest. She thinks she knows it all at the moment and giving her ultimatums or trying to tell her what to do will only force her away. You sound like an amazing mum ❤️ she needs to see him for what he is in her own time.

This is the tightrope you need to traverse. It's not easy and I would consider it may take years (hopefully it wont) - just so you can pace yourself. Any rage you feel towards him or her - process it elsewhere as they will pick up on it and it will be weaponised by him to isolate and alienate her further from you.

Kill them with kindness (which isnt money - I think you need to pull that rug out from under them to make this uncomfortable and realistic). I agree with PP that her 2nd year will be another academic failure if he is living with her or even on the scene - and if she wastes her uni fee grant allocation years (4 max?) - as well as runs up more debt - she will be in a hole she cant get out of.

How are you all doing this week @Feelingabitconfused ?

@Feelingabitconfused how are things with your DD. Did she get through her resits?

Thinking of you and your DD @Feelingabitconfused as the new uni year starts. Hope things are OK?