Daughter isolated in new city with new boyfriend who won’t go home

[Feelingabitconfused]

Hi fellow Mumsnetters.

I’m not sure whether to voice my concerns, and if so, what I can say without alienating her.

My daughter started at University last October, 5 hours drive from where we live. She has been working in a bar to part fund herself and has met someone who also works there, now her boyfriend. This all started in January, all fine. He is her first serious boyfriend. My main concern is that he’s not been home AT ALL since they got together around 10 weeks ago. He is a local lad, lives with his parents and is nearly 24. They sleep in her very small single bed, they sit and eat their meals on her floor (I know!). Whenever we face time she’s absolutely knackered, yawning throughout the call, he speaks, but refuses to be seen by me on face time, and she’s recently saying she’s completely out of money. We give her £50 per week to buy food etc, we pay all her accommodation, and she works to have more £ for spends. She has at least £100 per week to live on including work money.

Recently she’s been skipping lectures and hasn’t been attending her seminars either. She spends whole days in her room, presumably with this chap. They appear to do nothing together, other than stay in her room.

I know they’re not having sex yet as we’ve discussed this, and she’s very open with me, seeking advice about contraception etc. She has a gp appointment on 20 March for this (she’s not had sex yet) but says she feels like he doesn’t want to have sex as he’s in pain all the time; apparently he’s been run over twice, which might account for his pain levels. Also of concern is that he’s telling her he was beaten up by his parents, held down by his mum so he could take the beating. I don’t know when the last time this happened/ what age he was when this happened to him, but could well account for his reluctance to go home.

I know she’s classed as an adult, being 18, but my feeling is that her boyfriend is almost 24, she’s isolated, somehow broke despite having £100 bare minimum per week, and sharing her very small space with someone who it appears to me, doesn’t want to go home.

I’ve booked a place to stay to go to see her at the start of April - she sent me a screenshot list of her lectures for March so we could plan the trip and there was absolutely no time for me to visit and see her as all lectures were 9-5. I can see on life 360 app she hasn’t moved out of her room for 2 days! She wants the life 360 btw, she said it keeps her safe and she likes to see what we’re doing too.

AIBU? She’s an adult, she has to make her choices and feel the consequences?
AINBU? Have a real discussion with her and voice my concerns?

One hundred percent this.

A normal, decent guy would never move himself into his Gfs flat, something is very wrong if he doesn't actually live there and won't go back to his place, he sounds like an abusive cocklodger. You need to get your DD away from him and talk to her about what is actually happening, hopefully she'll tell you if she needs help to leave.

I agree. And as non identifying as this thread is, I would be both mortified and livid if I'd found out my mum had been posting about my private life online.

I agree with this. Don’t give her prior warning. Just turn up and knock on her door. Ideally you want to give him a bit of a fright by just showing up.

You need to go with no advance notice so they can't hide anything.

I agree with the drugs concerns.

Also I'd be surprised if he is actually 23/24 - there's obviously something he's hiding by refusing to even give an awkward wave hello on facetime.

I'd go there and do something nice with her and quietly suss out the Situation.
I would be very clear that she is there primarily to study and you are financing that. If she continues to miss lectures you will cut her off.
Oh and if course they are shagging like rabbits! I hope she isn't pregnant

She's a vulnerable adult. Report your concerns to student wellbeing and state that he is living in her accommodation (halls) pretty much full time. If nothing else the licence will contraindicate that and security/acco services will intervene and remove him. No need for them to know you reported it.

I would be turning up asap and chucking him out. I have had to do it a couple of times for my DD when her friends won’t leave our home and she’s always very thankful. I can read her though.

He’s bleeding her dry and I would not be paying for that. While his situation is shit she needs to put herself first.

This!!! Isn’t it obvious? Sounds to me like he’s getting her hooked on drugs…. I would surprise…. And get police involved. He might be wanted.

This is exactly what I think too OP, she's in too deep and needs you to intervene and give her an out.

I think an unannounced visit is in order OP

Not to read her the riot act but to be as normal as possible and just say you wanted to come and see her

Everything you've described would make me worry...even if it's not something serious eg drugs, the fact the relationship is SO intense & isolating for your daughter while she's at university- this is most definitely IMO not a good thing!

I think it is an excellent idea to contact pastoral care at the University.
They will have seen and heard it all and could give you solid advice.

@Feelingabitconfused This is appalling.
I think he is lying about being beaten like this , as well as being run over.

I’d be very suspicious about illegal drug use and him leeching of your daughter.
No sex yet??

Very suspicious.

She clearly doesn’t want you there which is alarming in itself.

Is she a vulnerable adult? I can't see where the op says this?

He sounds like he could be a billy bullshitter/emotionally manipulative type. Dd had a bf a bit like this - I just told her my concerns and openly chatted with her about how I felt some of the things he said sounded manipulative and how she didn't owe him a relationship etc. When she tried to finish with him he'd start going on about his parents divorce and his bad childhood etc.

I just tried to get her to recognise her boundaries and be firm about what she expects in a relationship - when she told me some of the things he did that upset her I talked it through with her and asked her what she'd say to a friend or her younger sister etc. She finished with him recently thankfully and seems much happier.

Just keeping lines of communication open and letting her know she can tell you anything (which it sounds like she does) is key.

But yes I'm another one who'd be going straight down there to see for myself and meet this man.

April? April? Go NOW!

I'd be wondering if she is already pregnant, and that's why she's so tired, and not leaving her flat. Could be possible she does indeed have an appointment on the 20th...for an abortion or a scan.

OP, I think in a scenario like this not very much would surprise me. There's more to it, and I don't believe for a second that he's actually 24. I bet he's older and as pp have said, that's why he's not showing his face. Whatever is going on, pregnancy, drugs, or simply a cuckoo in the nest, he's bad news and needs to be gone. I'd be up there like a shot, and I'd not wait for the weekend. He'll make himself scarce if he knows you're coming, I'd bet my bottom dollar. Turn up unannounced so you can see the situation clearly.

I can see why this is tempting but I'd bet the farm that if the OP made that ultimatum then the bf would suddenly decide that home with abusive parents (apparently) wasn't really that bad after all and take DD with him. possibly cutting off the OPs access to her or certainly making it difficult.

I'd be up there at the first opportunity and bringing my largest male relative with me. He is leeching off a naive 18 year old and stuffing up her university career (which you are funding).

This is not a time for softly softly.

I would tread carefully here OP.It does seem a very worrying situation to me ,but you dont want alienate her .Maybe do go up there but say "Im coming Saturday or whatever .When there say "Hi Steve,hope youre doing OK" Take DD out for an afternoon ,and assess the situation. I know you will want to throw her in the car ,but be patient and dont spook her ,she will go running to him otherwise .Do speak to the Uni welfare officer .

I agree with pps.
So many alarm bells here.
First time away from home, first serious boyfriend, who's moved himself in 24/7.
Lack of money, skipping lectures, exhausted constantly.
Due to lack of experience your daughter could be mistaking a man wanting to be with her 24/7 and isolating her from friends/flatmates as love.
It's very controlling behaviour and I would strongly suspect drugs are involved.

as a 'relative' you can ask for a Claires Law search to be done by the police. Which I'd definitely start in conjunction with doing a 'suprise' visit. If you have mutual location tracking and do decide to pay a visit I think I'd be tempted to turn it off at your end so that she (and he) can't be prepared when you turn up.

Not having sex when they share a single bed and haven't left the flat for 2 days? I mean, this whole thing sounds like every parent's nightmare. Get up there as soon as possible OP and I wish you a good outcome.

She's a vulnerable adult because a man six years older than her may be coercing her emotionally and financially. It meets the safeguarding definition.

@Feelingabitconfused The last sentence here.

EXACTLY my thoughts.

( I have experience of drug users - addiction- and this was a major Red flag, as it the ability to sit about all day.

Don’t show your daughter this thread, for goodness sakes-

Show up unannounced.

I was exploited by an older man as a 17 yr old.

It didn’t end well.
Rescue her if you can .