Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter isolated in new city with new boyfriend who won’t go home

286 replies

Feelingabitconfused · 13/03/2025 13:11

Hi fellow Mumsnetters.

I’m not sure whether to voice my concerns, and if so, what I can say without alienating her.

My daughter started at University last October, 5 hours drive from where we live. She has been working in a bar to part fund herself and has met someone who also works there, now her boyfriend. This all started in January, all fine. He is her first serious boyfriend. My main concern is that he’s not been home AT ALL since they got together around 10 weeks ago. He is a local lad, lives with his parents and is nearly 24. They sleep in her very small single bed, they sit and eat their meals on her floor (I know!). Whenever we face time she’s absolutely knackered, yawning throughout the call, he speaks, but refuses to be seen by me on face time, and she’s recently saying she’s completely out of money. We give her £50 per week to buy food etc, we pay all her accommodation, and she works to have more £ for spends. She has at least £100 per week to live on including work money.

Recently she’s been skipping lectures and hasn’t been attending her seminars either. She spends whole days in her room, presumably with this chap. They appear to do nothing together, other than stay in her room.

I know they’re not having sex yet as we’ve discussed this, and she’s very open with me, seeking advice about contraception etc. She has a gp appointment on 20 March for this (she’s not had sex yet) but says she feels like he doesn’t want to have sex as he’s in pain all the time; apparently he’s been run over twice, which might account for his pain levels. Also of concern is that he’s telling her he was beaten up by his parents, held down by his mum so he could take the beating. I don’t know when the last time this happened/ what age he was when this happened to him, but could well account for his reluctance to go home.

I know she’s classed as an adult, being 18, but my feeling is that her boyfriend is almost 24, she’s isolated, somehow broke despite having £100 bare minimum per week, and sharing her very small space with someone who it appears to me, doesn’t want to go home.

I’ve booked a place to stay to go to see her at the start of April - she sent me a screenshot list of her lectures for March so we could plan the trip and there was absolutely no time for me to visit and see her as all lectures were 9-5. I can see on life 360 app she hasn’t moved out of her room for 2 days! She wants the life 360 btw, she said it keeps her safe and she likes to see what we’re doing too.

AIBU? She’s an adult, she has to make her choices and feel the consequences?
AINBU? Have a real discussion with her and voice my concerns?

OP posts:
graceinspace999 · 13/03/2025 15:58

He sounds like a drug abuser. I’d worry that he has introduced your daughter to drugs to make her dependent on him especially since she is now short of money when she wasn’t before. .

Dont keep paying for everything if she’s not going to her lectures.

Remind her that you’re paying for her education and that is conditional.

He might scarper when the money you send and the accommodation are both gone.

My guess is you are unwittingly enabling this.

Horses7 · 13/03/2025 16:04

You’re doing the right thing - I would be worried by this relationship particularly if it’s disrupting her studies which will impact on the rest of her life. Think carefully about how to handle it all though, don’t alienate her.
Hope you can see her without him - shopping trip and lunch? My kids tell me all sorts of over lunch/dinner that they may not have at other times - it’s really amazes me at times!
Good luck!

Starlight7080 · 13/03/2025 16:05

I'm a full on no nonsense mum . I would be at her door telling him to go home. Asking why a 24 year old is living in a 18 year olds student accommodation.
Doesn't he have work ? A life ?
I would contact the uni and have a long talk with my daughter about controlling older men and how her education is more important.
Obviously she could then tell me just to leave and ignore me . But I would still do it .
It does sound like she has gotten in over her head with him

PullTheBricksDown · 13/03/2025 16:06

Is her dad going with you too? Might be good to have the benefit of numbers. I agree with arriving unannounced. Or say you'll come at the weekend but actually get there tomorrow.

WisePearlPoet · 13/03/2025 16:07

Has she done a Claire's law check, might be worth considering

SheridansPortSalut · 13/03/2025 16:08

I wouldn't wait until April. I'd get in the car now.

Serpentstooth · 13/03/2025 16:16

Go soon OP, I've seen this happen many times to young women with kind hearts. Please persuade her to break this off. Good luck

TiredCatLady · 13/03/2025 16:20

Some great advice on here OP, particularly regarding her accommodation. Is she in uni run halls of res and are they single or mixed? If uni run then she will have a halls tutor and campus security - they won’t take kindly to an older non-student being present continuously. I’d be surprised if her flatmates haven’t complained. It may be that she’s incurring fines from them for having him there as it’s against the rules.
His unwillingness to appear on the calls also makes me think he’s older than 24.
Do you have a surname for him to be able to ask for a Claire’s Law check?
Agree with others on just turning up there under the guise of a surprise, that you thought she looked tired and might want cheering up and some dinner out. See how she reacts.

SheridansPortSalut · 13/03/2025 16:21

If they are not having sex then what are they doing all day, squashed in her single bed and sitting on the floor? The glaringly obvious answer is drugs.

Arseynal · 13/03/2025 16:44

SheridansPortSalut · 13/03/2025 16:21

If they are not having sex then what are they doing all day, squashed in her single bed and sitting on the floor? The glaringly obvious answer is drugs.

This. She has very likely bollocksed up this year, both academically and in terms of relationship building and developing as a person. She needs to be removed from the situation and the financial and academic consequences written off. I’d be going tonight if she was my dd.
If he’s 24 and in too much pain for sex then his bartending probably doesn’t pass muster either. Nor does hers if she is on drugs and won’t leave her room. What, exactly, do you think he will be asking your dd to do to fund his/their drug habit once the cash has run dry?

ladymammalade · 13/03/2025 16:47

Most uni accommodation won't allow them to have people there on this constant basis - when my dc were in halls they had to let the accommodation office know and I'm sure there were restrictions.

I'd be going asap and insisting on seeing her alone. If he doesn't go home I'd report it to the accommodation office. Her flatmates must be pissed off with it as well.

Diningtableornot · 13/03/2025 16:52

Is she allowed to have in effect a full time lodger in her university room? If you alert someone in charge and this is against the rules, they might tell her he has to move out. Goodness knows exactly what is going on, but it sounds as if she's not making much use of her course and has got herself a dependent at a very young age.

itsnotagameshow · 13/03/2025 16:57

I experienced coercive control from a space cadet of a man when I was 19, he was 28, and into all sorts. It really screwed up my life chances, and if I had my time again, I would be away from him like a shot BUT at that age you can fall victim to these 'lost souls' and their sob stories. It took me years to work out that he was using me. I didn't have a mother who cared what happened: your daughter is very lucky that she does but she might not be able to see it that way so I would tread carefully and not go in guns blazing as it might push her further into his arms. I am sure you won't - good luck to you both.

Chocoholicnightmare · 13/03/2025 17:03

He sounds vulnerable and is leaning on (using) your daughter. It's not a healthy relationship and it sounds like he's stopping her from studying/having a life.

HomeBodyClub · 13/03/2025 17:04

I would call the uni and ask for a meeting regarding your concerns.

You’re paying her accommodation and sending her money so I would be telling her she sorts herself out now or she is coming home. You have to give a tough approach for their own good sometimes.

I have heard countless sob stories from people over the year and they are never what they portray. It’s nearly always a lie.

oakleaffy · 13/03/2025 17:08

Chocoholicnightmare · 13/03/2025 17:03

He sounds vulnerable and is leaning on (using) your daughter. It's not a healthy relationship and it sounds like he's stopping her from studying/having a life.

Vulnerable?
I'd not give a flying fuck as to how ''vulnerable'' this predatory older male user sounds- He is happy to use the word ''Cunt'' while OP is on the phone, and won't show his ugly face to her... Chances are he's way older than 24.

Vulnerable = The OP's daughter.

PullTheBricksDown · 13/03/2025 17:08

HomeBodyClub · 13/03/2025 17:04

I would call the uni and ask for a meeting regarding your concerns.

You’re paying her accommodation and sending her money so I would be telling her she sorts herself out now or she is coming home. You have to give a tough approach for their own good sometimes.

I have heard countless sob stories from people over the year and they are never what they portray. It’s nearly always a lie.

The university can't and won't intervene in a student's personal life. If they own the accommodation, and that's doubtful these days, they could ask him to leave. The DD is an adult and OP would need her permission to have a discussion about her with the university.

RedToothBrush · 13/03/2025 17:09

So she's in student accommodation with an overnight guest all the time?

That's probably actually not permitted. For good reason.

lovemetomybones · 13/03/2025 17:11

I had a relationship later on in life with someone who had severe back pain. He was in pain constantly, took tramadol to fix it. He was addicted to pain killers. It absolutely wrecked his life, he couldn’t sleep, was moody, sex was extremely difficult for him, it impacted his relationships, by the end I realised how much of a recluse he came and he relied on me for everything and blamed me for everything. But I couldn’t leave a mix of feelings and guilt. It was an awful time and we were a toxic couple.

know not everyone’s relationship is the same, but when I read your first post it took me back! I would get involved, she’s too young to waste her life on a relationship that ultimately will impact her studies, her independence and her future.

oakleaffy · 13/03/2025 17:15

lovemetomybones · 13/03/2025 17:11

I had a relationship later on in life with someone who had severe back pain. He was in pain constantly, took tramadol to fix it. He was addicted to pain killers. It absolutely wrecked his life, he couldn’t sleep, was moody, sex was extremely difficult for him, it impacted his relationships, by the end I realised how much of a recluse he came and he relied on me for everything and blamed me for everything. But I couldn’t leave a mix of feelings and guilt. It was an awful time and we were a toxic couple.

know not everyone’s relationship is the same, but when I read your first post it took me back! I would get involved, she’s too young to waste her life on a relationship that ultimately will impact her studies, her independence and her future.

I think anyone who as a young vulnerable teenager who was predated upon by an older ''damaged'' user type male will recognise all the red flags and bells and whistles here.

Delilaaaah · 13/03/2025 17:20

Lilaccrystal · 13/03/2025 13:20

See I think this would push her DD away, also, might be good for OP to meet this guy? Yes to having some alone time but I think telling her that her bf isn’t included isn’t the right thing to do

Show quote history

Book a hair cut, nail thing or some shopping thing where it wouldnt be appropriate for him to go.

Also wouldnt ask too many Qs - but watch and listen.

You do need to see them together at some point. Keep watching their interactions - take them out for lunch or drinks.

Has she made friends at uni - can you invite them along for a coffee etc.

DivorcedMumOfAdults · 13/03/2025 17:21

y are right to be concerned- you are funding her living expenses so she can get an education.
The university has a duty of care- it might be worth speaking to her welfare tutor before you go if you can
If she is in university accommodation they probably do not allow overnight guests so having someone effectively squatting in their premises is something they can act on- they would not have to let on you tipped them off

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/03/2025 17:29

I would be going up there in the week if possible so that you can contact the university for any help. I appreciate they won’t divulge anything to you.

Delilaaaah · 13/03/2025 17:30

Doseofreality · 13/03/2025 13:47

Ran over twice, beaten up, He’s been involved with, or is involved with drugs and some very shady people.
I can guarantee it and I would be concerned that he has introduced your daughter to drugs as well. It all adds up, no money, looking exhausted and not leaving her room. It’s drugs, I’m telling you.

100% agree.

He's possibly hiding out in her halls from a gang and maybe storing stuff there or involving her.

At a minimum he's a cocklodger.

This is very concerning. She is very young and obviously not able to hold her boundaries against this deviant.

She could well be in a coercive and controlling relationship.

Delilaaaah · 13/03/2025 17:40

Bleachbum · 13/03/2025 14:47

I agree with this. Don’t give her prior warning. Just turn up and knock on her door. Ideally you want to give him a bit of a fright by just showing up.

Show quote history

Need to leave your phone at home then for the 360 thing

Swipe left for the next trending thread