Daughter isolated in new city with new boyfriend who won’t go home

[Feelingabitconfused]

Hi fellow Mumsnetters.

I’m not sure whether to voice my concerns, and if so, what I can say without alienating her.

My daughter started at University last October, 5 hours drive from where we live. She has been working in a bar to part fund herself and has met someone who also works there, now her boyfriend. This all started in January, all fine. He is her first serious boyfriend. My main concern is that he’s not been home AT ALL since they got together around 10 weeks ago. He is a local lad, lives with his parents and is nearly 24. They sleep in her very small single bed, they sit and eat their meals on her floor (I know!). Whenever we face time she’s absolutely knackered, yawning throughout the call, he speaks, but refuses to be seen by me on face time, and she’s recently saying she’s completely out of money. We give her £50 per week to buy food etc, we pay all her accommodation, and she works to have more £ for spends. She has at least £100 per week to live on including work money.

Recently she’s been skipping lectures and hasn’t been attending her seminars either. She spends whole days in her room, presumably with this chap. They appear to do nothing together, other than stay in her room.

I know they’re not having sex yet as we’ve discussed this, and she’s very open with me, seeking advice about contraception etc. She has a gp appointment on 20 March for this (she’s not had sex yet) but says she feels like he doesn’t want to have sex as he’s in pain all the time; apparently he’s been run over twice, which might account for his pain levels. Also of concern is that he’s telling her he was beaten up by his parents, held down by his mum so he could take the beating. I don’t know when the last time this happened/ what age he was when this happened to him, but could well account for his reluctance to go home.

I know she’s classed as an adult, being 18, but my feeling is that her boyfriend is almost 24, she’s isolated, somehow broke despite having £100 bare minimum per week, and sharing her very small space with someone who it appears to me, doesn’t want to go home.

I’ve booked a place to stay to go to see her at the start of April - she sent me a screenshot list of her lectures for March so we could plan the trip and there was absolutely no time for me to visit and see her as all lectures were 9-5. I can see on life 360 app she hasn’t moved out of her room for 2 days! She wants the life 360 btw, she said it keeps her safe and she likes to see what we’re doing too.

AIBU? She’s an adult, she has to make her choices and feel the consequences?
AINBU? Have a real discussion with her and voice my concerns?

I'm a lecturer, and I usually take the line of leaving kids to solve their own problems, but I would be worried. She sounds isolated from her friends and her studies; she is spending unexplained amounts of money. I would be driving up that weekend, or inviting her for a weekend home. It is strange that he won't let you see him. She is almost certainly breaking her accommodation contract and probably not endearing herself to her flatmates. (I know that seems like the least of her problems, but them complaining is the thing likely to bring this to the attention of the uni, if she's in halls).

There will be a student welfare office at her university. I would drop an email saying that you understand they can't tell you anything but you've reason to suspect your daughter isn't attending her lectures and you're concerned, could they or her personal tutor check in with her.

I would also tell you daughter your concerns in a calm way. This is intense for a new relationship. You're proud that she wants to help this man have somewhere safe to live and glad she's found someone she's happy with but are also concerned she feels responsible for him and is giving up too much of herself. See what she says from there.

Is she living is halls? If so I would report that the fact he’s staying there for your daughters benefit, she may not have the confidence to say no to him.
He may even have done this before!

So pleased to hear you’re going up this weekend you’re absolutely doing the right thing. She might not show it in front of him, but she will be so pleased to see you.

Halls or private…I am surprised DD’s housemates haven’t got sick of them taking the piss and reported him!

Sounds really weird, she's living with someone 24/7 in a tiny room, they don't have sex (really!) she is spending all her money and not going to lectures. He is constantly in pain and is regularly beaten by his parents, but theoretically he still lives at home although he's 24. Is he a student or is his 'real' job a bar tender?

There is something very odd about this guy, why stay at home if you are beaten by your parents? Not interested in sex with a girl you share a bed with? Doesn't go anywhere or do anything. Chronic illness? Mental problems? Drug addict? Fantasist? Asexual? Free loader? Take your pick, but none of them good in a boyfriend for a student.

And doesn't want you to see him, doesn't want to be recognised? Also not good.

These were my thoughts too

Yes I would be worried and agree with everyone else to visit this weekend.
I agree that he shouldn't be staying every night and I am surprised that the hall wardens (if they still exist) haven't noticed this (assuming they are in halls of residence).
She is in her first year and may have felt lonely, therefore being quite vulnerable she may have been easy for him to manipulate.
Does she speak about having friends at uni?

Apart from the obvious she must be really pissing everyone off she shares with as this guy is constantly there.

She clearly needs help setting some boundaries.

A spa day is a really good idea as it naturally excludes him as the pp said, and you can have plenty of time with her. Can you book one OP?

Of course you can voice your concerns and meet up with her etc. but she's an adult and should be able to make her own choices, good or bad. It's odd that she likes the 360life thing though.

Has your daughter got her accommodation for next year sorted?

I doubt her housemates are happy with the situation and if she’s planning to move in with any of them next year they’ll be looking for ways to push her out.

Oh how worrying op. I don't think any of the possible explanations are good here. I'm glad you are going up to see her, it sounds like she needs you. x

You're proud that she wants to help this man have somewhere safe to live and glad she's found someone she's happy with but are also concerned she feels responsible for him and is giving up too much of herself.

Don’t say this. Don’t play into his narrative.

Somethings not quite right - you need to go check it out!

I wouldn’t be surprised if a parent of one of the housemates hasn’t started a thread asking for advice re what her DD should say to the OP’s DD to get this weirdo out of their home!

It feels like staying on the 360 thing is a way of her WANTING you to know that something is up. She knows you can see that she hasn't left her room in 48 hours, despite the busy schedule she also knows you know about. I think she is giving permission for a rescue operation?

he speaks, but refuses to be seen by me on face time

Ask her to check his driver's license or passport. It's coming across like he's lied about his age and he knows you'll clock this when you see him on camera.

Not leaving the room & not having sex? What are they doing? gaming? Using heroin? I have reminded my DC exactly how much each lecture costs & cost of missing it. I know they can re-watch on video but really !!!

She is there for her education, if this guy is telling her “you don’t need it” “waste of time” then he needs to fuck off. He’s dragging her down.

Be sure you take the both out together, before you take out on her in her own. You can get an idea about him and find out if he is the problem or if your daughter has issues w going out.

If she’s in halls, any friends she has made are long gone if this guy has moved in.

Good luck and remember to APPEAR be the kind and want to get to know him mum, you want him to feel comfortable & tell you all about how great he is…. And for maybe him to offend you. So your daughter can see he’s a creep.

This was my immediate reaction.

As others have said, don’t show her this thread, you really don’t need to and it really won’t help.

Has she made friends since she’s been there? Was she going out or hanging out with people before she met this guy? I’d be really concerned that not only is she missing classes she’s isolated herself from everyone around her.

I would go quicker he’s moved himself in and she is perhaps funding him. Look at coercive control and see if it applies. The moving in and not leaving is ringing alarm bells. At her age she may think their relationship is normal as she doesn’t have anything to compare it to.

Run, OP, run. Run to your daughter.

This whole thing absolutely stinks of drugs. He is taking drugs for his ‘constant pain’ which is why he can’t get it up. Your kid is funding his habit.

I may be in the minority but this may not be as bad as you think it is. It could be, but it might not.

I met a guy on my first night at Uni and he ended up pretty much living in my halls with me within a few weeks. It sounds mad thinking back about it now I'm in my 40s, but I actually quite enjoyed it at the time. I'm not a huge friendship group person so I enjoyed having someone around without having to be typically sociable. I also had a couple of good friends who were on my course that I saw most days. He had loads of friends having just graduated from the same uni so he widened my social circle a bit. I don't think my Mum has a clue just how much time he spent in my halls and she definitely wouldn't have liked it.

The difference is, I never missed a lecture. I did notice he was eating a lot of my food at one stage so I cut that right down. I also never missed out on going out with my other friends because of him. We broke up early into the 2nd year and both moved on with our lives, no harm done. I don't think I felt tired once at that age. I often stayed up until the very early hours, then had lectures, rinse and repeat and was never affected by any of it. Now I'm a mess if I stay up past 11pm!

I would be on my way there now. I wouldn't let her know I was coming, just turn up.
I am normally in favour of letting children be independent when they leave home for uni but in this instance the situation you are describing is very worrying.
There is no point in taking university timetables into account if she is not attending anymore.
I am not sure what type of course she is doing but I would imagine she is at risk of failing if she has stopped attending classes and labs.

I’m genuinely very very concerned for your dd. It all sounds wrong…shared uni housing is breach of contract. Not attending classes breach of contract with you and risk of failing classes. Surely you aren’t paying for her to sit in her room??? Won’t show his face…hiding something. Won’t go home….weird and actually abusive to your dd. She needs her space her concentration unimpaired to succeed. I would literally withdraw my dd from classes if this was happening to her. He won’t follow her home and try to live with you. She’s there for an education not this BF. Using c word…low class nasty foul language. Not going to school …he’s a loser. Serious health problems….not your not her problems. Teach her to raise her bar and seek a more mutually educated goal oriented bf who will raise her up. And 👷‍♀️for me…don’t have her work in a bar. Surely she can find other work besides a bar…drunks drugs being groped propositioned and this guy. Tell her to get a job in campus there will
be plenty come fall.
get her out of there even if you have to withdraw from classes before he gets her pregnant .
I should add…I’m American and under
no circumstances do I consider an 18 y.o uni student to be an adult entitled to privacy and to make her/ his own decisions. I would be all over this shit show