Daughter isolated in new city with new boyfriend who won’t go home

[Feelingabitconfused]

Hi fellow Mumsnetters.

I’m not sure whether to voice my concerns, and if so, what I can say without alienating her.

My daughter started at University last October, 5 hours drive from where we live. She has been working in a bar to part fund herself and has met someone who also works there, now her boyfriend. This all started in January, all fine. He is her first serious boyfriend. My main concern is that he’s not been home AT ALL since they got together around 10 weeks ago. He is a local lad, lives with his parents and is nearly 24. They sleep in her very small single bed, they sit and eat their meals on her floor (I know!). Whenever we face time she’s absolutely knackered, yawning throughout the call, he speaks, but refuses to be seen by me on face time, and she’s recently saying she’s completely out of money. We give her £50 per week to buy food etc, we pay all her accommodation, and she works to have more £ for spends. She has at least £100 per week to live on including work money.

Recently she’s been skipping lectures and hasn’t been attending her seminars either. She spends whole days in her room, presumably with this chap. They appear to do nothing together, other than stay in her room.

I know they’re not having sex yet as we’ve discussed this, and she’s very open with me, seeking advice about contraception etc. She has a gp appointment on 20 March for this (she’s not had sex yet) but says she feels like he doesn’t want to have sex as he’s in pain all the time; apparently he’s been run over twice, which might account for his pain levels. Also of concern is that he’s telling her he was beaten up by his parents, held down by his mum so he could take the beating. I don’t know when the last time this happened/ what age he was when this happened to him, but could well account for his reluctance to go home.

I know she’s classed as an adult, being 18, but my feeling is that her boyfriend is almost 24, she’s isolated, somehow broke despite having £100 bare minimum per week, and sharing her very small space with someone who it appears to me, doesn’t want to go home.

I’ve booked a place to stay to go to see her at the start of April - she sent me a screenshot list of her lectures for March so we could plan the trip and there was absolutely no time for me to visit and see her as all lectures were 9-5. I can see on life 360 app she hasn’t moved out of her room for 2 days! She wants the life 360 btw, she said it keeps her safe and she likes to see what we’re doing too.

AIBU? She’s an adult, she has to make her choices and feel the consequences?
AINBU? Have a real discussion with her and voice my concerns?

Nope, she sounds like an 18 yr old 'carer', if you have a good relationship then you need to chat about unhealthy relationships.

Is she in halls? If so, he should not be there, and I’d report the situation to the university. He needs to be gone. I have a 24 year old DS and if he tried to move in with a woman her age I’d hit the roof.

She is vulnerable due to her age and living so far away from home for the first time.

Turn your life 360 off when you are travelling and surprise her. Do not burst in saying you’re worried etc until you’ve had chance to speak privately.

Alert the student services to the problem, ask for a welfare check, as they probably won’t act on your concerns.
If in halls, you can ask Security to keep an eye on her, I did this for my daughter in her first year, as they had a drug dealing very posh boy in her shared flat.

Also I agree with visiting as soon as you can, as I was pretty much trapped by a local boyfriend when I was a first year, he stole a lot of my money, hit me, broke my things.
Dragged me by the hair and head butted me once.
My friend saved me by booking us both into emergency accommodation at the Uni, to get away from him.

I owe her a lot xx

OP, I really don’t want to sound harsh & pls forgive me if I do but why did you need to start a thread to ask others?? Have alarm bells not been ringing in your head since this ‘man’ has come on the scene?!?

You know your daughter so why the delay??

If I was you the minute I found out me & my husband would have been there like a shot. When things don’t add up and are concerning I follow my instincts. I don’t wait around for complete strangers to point out the obvious.

Sorry you don’t mention a husband or partner but is there a male member you can take with you? Only because you can use the excuse of them getting to know each other & you then get time with your daughter. If he tries to ask where you are taking your daughter say it’s a surprise.

One thing I would do though is to try & leave her phone in her room so he can’t contact her while you are together. Otherwise he won’t stop messaging her.

It’s time to find everything out about him but do it first in a gentle way so when you start asking specifics she doesn’t realise and is just happy telling you all about him.

Her accommodation, is she in Halls?? If so can you speak to Student Services & raise your concerns about him to them? He isn’t a student so is not permitted to stay.

Good luck OP x

I’m not trying to fear monger but when I read about Kyle Clifford talking with Carol Hunt at the door and she allowing him into the home I thought would I do that? Would I have let this ex bf into my house to see/ talk with/ my dd??? and I can say no F*cking way. Kyle might have killed Louise at another time but the entire home/ family was made very vulnerable by this simple accommodating but lethal mistake. Op your dd home is invaded. Her safety could be at risk or it could just be a sloppy over the top clingy relationship with a sad guy who really doesn’t have anywhere else to go but you won’t know until you go there yourself. Please go now
and please update MN when you can

Time for a surprise visit!

I would be doing an unannounced check. Turn ur 360 off when u leave. At least u will see the real situation, and how she is living.

She's going to sabotage herself big time - she'll risk disciplinary over not going to lectures and her course work will suffer. How is she making or maintaining friendships with him smothering her? And presumably she's in halls or a houseshare and I doubt the people she lives with are happy he's moved in - she risks alienating them or breaking her living agreement.

Putting aside the clear control and smothering aspect, she's about to derail her education and independence opportunity. Definitely needs careful interventionAl!

He is using her. You don't know if anything he says is true at all. I'd suprise her when she should be at university, then ask why she's skipping. I'd explain this boyfriend shouldn't be sleeping over, and that she'll end up getting kicked off her university course. If she does, then I wouldn't send her Amy more money. She'll either go full time or come home, if she does the latter make it clear he is not welcome.

Sorry, this was in reply to the poster who said the OP should go up and tell DD to start studying or go home. Bloody phone didn't attach the quote for some reason.

Oh no, OP.. Yes, technically she's an adult and normally I'd say stay out of it, but this situation sure stinks to high heaven. He's clearly a liar and a cocklodger and that's maybe the best case scenario. Or a manipulative/abusive druggie. You should intervene. I would.

Grew up in a small town and there was a girl in a similar situation to this. We weren't friends, but did know each other. Slightly older than your DD, but also in uni. Smart, beautiful girl with great perspectives. Fell madly in love with a waste of space junkie, constantly on opioids. He was much older, jobless obviously, had his own flat, but it was a rundown drug den. He was some sort of 'musician', 'an artist', 'a misunderstood soul', apparently.

He didn't forbid her going to uni or leaving the room, but she dropped out eventually, got a manual job, working long hours to finance his drug habit. Got pregnant, had a baby with him. He tried to get clean, but didn't manage. I don't know what happened to them after that, they moved out of town. But even if nothing horrible, the situation still wasn't great, to put it mildly.

What a worry and glad you're going up there. I'm also thinking drugs from your descriptions of him & your daughter or he's just a horribly controlling cocklodger.

I wouldn't show this to your daughter but I would turn up and expect to be let into her room (maybe turn up laden with something big like a plant or new duvet that needs to go straight in to her room) and also be taking her out away from the boyfriend to properly get to the bottom of it all. Good luck op

Is she in Uni halls? I think you need to visit her now. She's under heavy psychological pressure from him?

Sounds like a cuckoo.

is he actually 24, or older?

Go to her today, like pretty much all PPs have said. I'd be worried too, all sorts of possibilities coming to mind and I would want answers. What on earth does she give as the reason for skipping lectures? Create an excuse for you to have to stay at hers for a few days, whatever it takes to help her.

Coercion - I think you have grounds for contacting the Uni welfare service ces whilst your up there visiting her. Surely they don't want a student to drop out.

I can’t add anything useful to the good advice you have had from PP’s @Feelingabitconfused. I just wanted to say I really feel for you. What an awful situation to be in such a worry for you. I hope it gets all gets resolved. I wish a few of us on here could have words with the little shit. Using your daughter like that.

Speaking as a recovered drug addict who survived toxic and abusive relationship, I would say that your OP set my spidey senses tingling. Not leaving her room, her being tired, his complaints of pain, living in relative squalor all suggest the involvement of substances to me. The boundary crossing and closeness exclusive to all other aspects of her life suggest coercion on his part.

He might be telling the truth about familial abuse, he might not. Being run over twice suggests he has substance problems to the extent that he has difficulty looking out for his own safety.

Go up there OP, unannounced, just turn up. ASAP.

Far too intense, far too much, far too quick.

Lots of flags going up, OP. That's also a big age gap for a girl who hasn't had a boyfriend before.

I'm sorry, I don't want to worry you, but I do think this is ringing bells about unhealthy dynamic at best.

The tricky thing is whether you are able to handle it without pushing her away. Your absolute priority is to maintain communication with her and let her know you are there for her.

Agree.

Yeah you can’t just move a boyfriend into halls. The university should have some sort of residential team who deal with accommodation related issues, she can contact them if he refuses to leave. The problem will be with getting her to want him to leave though i suspect

He sounds sketchy as hell. In pain all the time apparently so I'm betting he's addicted to something that kills pain. Won't let you see him because you'd probably see he's a junkie. Your daughter's skint all the time even though she shouldn't be. I'd be getting down there asap because he's leaching off your daughter already and who knows what else he's getting her into

Noooo