Daughter isolated in new city with new boyfriend who won’t go home

[Feelingabitconfused]

Hi fellow Mumsnetters.

I’m not sure whether to voice my concerns, and if so, what I can say without alienating her.

My daughter started at University last October, 5 hours drive from where we live. She has been working in a bar to part fund herself and has met someone who also works there, now her boyfriend. This all started in January, all fine. He is her first serious boyfriend. My main concern is that he’s not been home AT ALL since they got together around 10 weeks ago. He is a local lad, lives with his parents and is nearly 24. They sleep in her very small single bed, they sit and eat their meals on her floor (I know!). Whenever we face time she’s absolutely knackered, yawning throughout the call, he speaks, but refuses to be seen by me on face time, and she’s recently saying she’s completely out of money. We give her £50 per week to buy food etc, we pay all her accommodation, and she works to have more £ for spends. She has at least £100 per week to live on including work money.

Recently she’s been skipping lectures and hasn’t been attending her seminars either. She spends whole days in her room, presumably with this chap. They appear to do nothing together, other than stay in her room.

I know they’re not having sex yet as we’ve discussed this, and she’s very open with me, seeking advice about contraception etc. She has a gp appointment on 20 March for this (she’s not had sex yet) but says she feels like he doesn’t want to have sex as he’s in pain all the time; apparently he’s been run over twice, which might account for his pain levels. Also of concern is that he’s telling her he was beaten up by his parents, held down by his mum so he could take the beating. I don’t know when the last time this happened/ what age he was when this happened to him, but could well account for his reluctance to go home.

I know she’s classed as an adult, being 18, but my feeling is that her boyfriend is almost 24, she’s isolated, somehow broke despite having £100 bare minimum per week, and sharing her very small space with someone who it appears to me, doesn’t want to go home.

I’ve booked a place to stay to go to see her at the start of April - she sent me a screenshot list of her lectures for March so we could plan the trip and there was absolutely no time for me to visit and see her as all lectures were 9-5. I can see on life 360 app she hasn’t moved out of her room for 2 days! She wants the life 360 btw, she said it keeps her safe and she likes to see what we’re doing too.

AIBU? She’s an adult, she has to make her choices and feel the consequences?
AINBU? Have a real discussion with her and voice my concerns?

See I think this would push her DD away, also, might be good for OP to meet this guy? Yes to having some alone time but I think telling her that her bf isn’t included isn’t the right thing to do

There’s absolutely no point visiting if he’s going to be present like he is on calls.

The op can arrange a spa visit or something that naturally excludes him. There’s no benefit to meeting him. His actions have already told the op who he is. He’s moved himself into a young girls room and is probably financially exploiting her. He’s inserted himself into calls with her family and thinks it’s bants to swear at them.

The man is manipulative and a liar. I don’t know any woman who could hold down a young man in his twenties. His claims of being in constant pain make think he’s some sort of addict.

This, tread carefully OP. I would have been mortified if my mum made a thread about me at 18 years old. Do no push her away it’s the last thing you want right now

This!!!

Have you actually spoken to her in the last 2 days?

I would be straight up there .
He is free loading .
How convenient to have a sad story . It may even be true but that is not your 18 year old daughters responsibility .
How selfish he is sleeping in her single bed making life uncomfortable for her .
I'd go and see what the story is perhaps there is a rule about letting non students stay in her accommodation and she could use this to get rid of him .
Absolute user imo.

Sorry, but it seems naive to think they aren't having sex. Also, do you think she may be leaving her phone in her room when she goes out which makes it appear that she hasn't left in days? I do agree that this guy sounds like a weirdo.

I’m not sure whether I would believe the “he’s in pain all the time and doesn’t even want to have sex” line. Equally if it is true, added with the fact she’s now running out of money despite not really going anywhere or doing anything, it would concern me he is perhaps self medicating, be it pain killers or something worse and manipulating her into helping fund it.

Or maybe I’m just paranoid.

Tread carefully OP, be curious but friendly, find out as much as you can.

Is she in halls of residence or a house share?

She sounds vulnerable and your instincts are there for a reason.
I m also skeptical about his hard luck stories, very convenient for him to come out with all that when he doesn't want to go home.

He's probably using her money so she's broke buying for both of them. Bet he doesn't contribute to food either.

Also 24? There's a world of difference between 18 and 24 year old. Why is he attracted to someone with basically no life experience? Why hasn't he got a gf his own age? Because 24 year old women probably wouldn't touch him with a bargepole!

Yes go and see her. I don't like the c word anyway but pretending it's all "bantz" rings wrong to me. Does he call your dd that?

Seen plenty of my dds friends in crappy relationships when they were this age. One has only just got free of her freeloader partner age 30 (though she has kids with him).

Just adding to the chorus of 'no, this isn't right' - I'd also go up there pronto and weigh up the situation in the first instance.

Ran over twice, beaten up, He’s been involved with, or is involved with drugs and some very shady people.
I can guarantee it and I would be concerned that he has introduced your daughter to drugs as well. It all adds up, no money, looking exhausted and not leaving her room. It’s drugs, I’m telling you.

I would get in my car now and go. I had some horrible boyfriends at that age and thought I was so wise. I loved a project man too. Please go and see her. Maybe he is keeping hold of her phone all day?? She's in a really dodgy situation, I wouldn't leave it.

University will have a student welfare officer, you could contact them explaining the circumstances & ask to check in. They won't be able to give you info without her permission but at least it's a check she's OK till you can see her in person. DH works in uni admin & tells me they get calls for many reasons from parents.

He said the word “cunt” in front of his new girlfriend’s mother???? Apologies if I’ve misunderstood, but if I haven’t, this is NOT a good guy.

Is she living in uni accommodation OP? they have strict rules about how long someone else can stay there and this would be the ideal reason for him to have to leave. It affects the rights of all the students in the flat/house to get council tax exemption.
If necessary you could report direct to the uni and they can deal with it - obviously this would be if your daughter doesn't want him to leave after you've seen her and talked to her about it

I'd go up there now, it sounds more like a hostage situation than a relationship!

You can’t rescue an adult who doesn’t want to be rescued. By all means try, but be prepared for your intervention not to work. I’ve seen this happen several times, unfortunately.

They are 100% having sex, and this is why they aren't leaving the room. You must consider the possibility that she's lying to you about this - the GP appointment for contraception is evidence of this, not the contrary. Which is fine, she's 18 and she can stay private about this if she wishes, I'm just saying.

He has found an 18yo, vulnerable, new-to-relationships student with her own accommodation and parents who are funding her, and thought "fuck me, look, it's a goldmine". The man is 24 (is he really though? might explain why he doesn't want his face on camera) living at home and has a sketchy past. Runnnn OP, get your daughter and run.

He might be older than 24 that's maybe why he isn't showing his face just a thought.

Agree with visiting this weekend, hope somehow it goes as well as you wish it to.

Just because she's technically an adult doesn't mean she can't use some advice. Heck, I'm late 40s and still talk to my mum about my problems. She might even listen to you if you are close.

Sounds like your kind, inexperienced DD has found herself an honest to god cocklodger as her first BF.

You are giving her financial support to go to university for the benefit of her education, and continually skipping lectures is not acceptable, she is breaking her side of the deal. There is also a social element to going away to university, and she’s not benefiting from that either.

To be handled sensitively but I would be trying to scrape off this manipulative loser ASAP.

With luck she just needs help to extract herself from this situation and will be grateful for your assistance. Here’s hoping anyway, I wish you luck

I’d be there this weekend!

Who else does she live with? I don’t suppose they’re too happy about having her boyfriend around all the time for the past 10 weeks, and if I was one of their parents - I think I’d be encouraging my DD to ask her DD to be a bit more bloody considerate

He sounds like a cuckoo. He's started a relationship with your daughter in order to have somewhere else to stay rather than home. He's no doubt using her money as well as her room and if she isn't going out for days at a time, likely to be isolating her from friends, peers etc
I think I would probably want to go down at a weekend perhaps, or, even if she has lectures, go down for a few days anyway. From what you've said she may not be attending many lectures anyway.
If she is feeling isolated, maybe seeing you in the flesh, having a hug, proper chat without him in earshot....it might help her come to her own decisions.
Good luck xx