To not give up my job that DH hates?

[hesnotthewindbeneathmywings]

First off I will say that DH does an incredible amount at home and for our family compared to many husbands. He runs his own business which allows him the flexibility to wfh most of the time so usually does the school pick ups for our youngest 4 days a week, and our oldest 3 days. We both do morning drop offs every day and I do pick ups on the days he doesn't. I have less flexibility with pick ups because I'm often on calls which is why he does most of them.

Unlike DH I work for a company. My role over the past few years required me to be the office 1 day a week (30 min commute), and occasionally be in London / elsewhere a day or two a handful of times a month. Once a quarter I would be required to travel to another office for 2 days (including overnight). DH was very disgruntled with my working arrangement and felt I wasn't around enough to support with the children.

DH works very hard and his business provides for our family very well. About triple what I bring in. Salary and progression have been a real struggle for me in my career, partly because of previously undiagnosed ADHD and very low self esteem. I'm now diagnosed and on medication. It's been life changing for me and I've excelled at work performance wise, but progression has been slow (but it is happening). Still, my salary is fairly low (roughly £40k). DH feels my salary doesn't contribute enough to our household income given my workload & travel requirements (see below). For reference I have benchmarked my role and the pay is in the range of most others I've found. Albeit at the lower end of the range. But it's not uncommon.

I've been trying very hard over the past year to progress in my role and move to a senior position. I've managed a small pay rise, and the responsibilities in my role have changed slightly over the past 6 months. I wfh 3 days a week, travel overnight to our other office 2-3 quarters rather than 4 like I'd done previously. There are less ad-hoc days I'm required to be in London meeting agencies and clients. But there are several times I year I'm required to travel for work. However this is not often, and usually not for long. So far it's just been once about 6 months ago for 3 days.

I've been incredibly anxious to tell him that I'm now required to travel abroad and be away from home for a week. This overlaps with a weekend due to flights, schedules and time zones. Not only is attendance mandatory and a critical element of my role, but I see it as an important step towards progressing in my career.

DH completely flipped out when I told him. He can't understand 'how my company expects me to leave my family for a week'. I've tried to explain to him that I am the only person with my role in the company and attending the meetings and events on this trip is a mandatory and crucial element to my role. If I said I couldn't go and had to have someone else go in my place, I'd be handing over a defining element of my job and I feel it would put me at a significant disadvantage for future career growth.

I've tried to explain that a lot of others in my team (same level as myself) are all required to come into the office 2 days a week, travel to our other office a few times a year, and occasionally travel abroad. Often more frequent than myself, but usually just for a couple nights. Many don't have families, but some do (including several mothers).

All DH does is criticise I don't support enough at home and don't earn enough. I love my job, and perform very well in it. He doesn't really understand the dynamics, politics and strains of the corporate world because he's never worked a corporate job. He can't understand that I just can't cancel a call at the drop of a hat to collect one of the children if he's in the middle of something.

AIBU in sticking with my role and my vision to progress on a career path I enjoy? It's taken me 20 years of various corporate jobs to finally find one I'm good at and that I enjoy.

You need to keep your job more than ever.
If you split and he asks for 50/50 then you need to earn as much as you can as there would be no maintenance and you’d have to buy in childcare.

As pp said I suspect that he’s resentful that he’s doing 50% of the childcare while being the breadwinner and thinks that you as the woman should be doing most of the childcare. You are doing plenty of the childcare btw- he’s treating you like a crap mum who is rarely home when you’re doing perfectly normal stuff like dinner. I don’t think it’s because he doesn’t understand corporate work. He has kids so will be full aware that you have to drop them off at school at a fixed time and it’s not negotiable in the same way that doctor’s appointments are not flexible.

Your work hours aren’t excessive. Going on the odd overnight trip and long day into London isn’t unusual or excessive- millions of dads will be doing that every day and 99.99% of people will treat it as normal and something to suck up for the paycheck. He’s being a dick treating you as if your business trip overseas is a glorified jolly. He should know you well enough that you haven’t booked a week of spa treatments and shopping and that you’re not senior enough to book that kind of trip anyway 😉

Does he think that other couples are splitting every aspect of childcare down the middle or something ? Most will be doing what fits with their routine eg someone who starts works early will do pick ups and dinner while the other does morning routine and drop offs.

He can afford a cleaner and a nanny or childcare if he wants help around the house more than you're there.

He needs to understand that it's not just about what you earn, it's your purpose and enjoyment and mental health as well.

Don't sacrifice your independence to pacify him.

This, absolutely. Your job isn’t simply about the money. It’s about fulfilment and empowerment. Maybe that’s precisely why he doesn’t like it.

I think this is the perfect response.

Isn't the problem all rooted in the fact that he sounds like an absolute arsehole who is angry, critiques you, is a misogynist and believes he's superior?
I continue to be blown away with why so many women would rather this life than the absolute peace of being single.

I'm with your DH on this. Your salary is too low to be doing all that. You're expecting him to be the higher earner whilst also doing nearly all the childcare. I'd leave your current job and find employment elsewhere.

He can't have it both ways. He either accommodates your work or you become a SAHM to relieve the pressure on you both.

Hmmm my guess is that his problem with your job is just the tip of the iceberg.

He sounds like an arsehole.

It sort of seems like part of his issue is that he is having to make sacrifices in his work because your job is less flexible than his. (“He can't understand that I just can't cancel a call at the drop of a hat to collect one of the children if he's in the middle of something.”)

If that’s the case, then I can sort of see his frustration because it means that your work and advancement is taking precedent over his, which could be annoying to begin with but could seem particularly annoying given that he earns more than you. Even though doing certain things would help your career progress, I don’t see it as completely unreasonable for your husband to ask if you might not pursue that progression so that he can also progress. Then again, this isn’t something where everything can necessarily be equal and maybe it’s more important for you to advance given your slower career start.

I think your employer is taking the p* to be honest- all of what you say you do , with a lot of travel for £40k per year salary! OP, I think you need a pay rise or a different corporate job that pays more to compensate you for all that work and travel. For what you say you do , the minimum salary for your level of job you describe would be £60/£65k in corporate. Your husband and you do need to work as a team of course and I can see both sides. But your job expects a lot from you for very little remuneration and that’s what’s impacting your marriage.

DH used to do this - he picked me up after work and expected me to down tools and leave when he was ready to go. Doesn’t bloody work like that! Plus moaning about him doing the pick ups/drop offs when he had our only car.

This will reduce as your kids get older and more able to look after themselves after school. It will also reduce if you stand your ground and tell him he’s being ridiculous every time. Do not apologise. It’s not your fault, your work aren’t being unreasonable, it’s a perfectly standard working arrangement. As you progress there’s likely to be more travel, more days in London and more office days. Point this out repeatedly. Do not give up work or look for a new job just over this. I find with DH that being completely unapologetic actually gets better results than if I soften things by complaining about the expectation/suggesting in any way that work is unreasonable, because if I do he says things like “you should just tell them you can’t be there”, which I’m not prepared to do.

He is being unreasonable jn not understanding you can't dictate your meetings and calls etc. However, unless there is career progression and your salary will increase, you need to look for a better paying role as I feel £40k is too low a salary for expecting you to be away for a week as part of work

Do you get extra for when you're away? As much as I hated DH working away he got more money and was always telling me to spend it on soft play or whatever it took to keep the kids happy while I was on my own with them.

40k is above average
It may be way above average depending on area

It's quite normal for people on 40k to be expected to sometimes need to travel
Sone people don't know their luck with their jobs

Of course your husband should be proud and supporting of you rather than being a dock

Stick to your guns OP.

£40k is a pretty good contribution to your household finances. Your DH is a misogynistic twat who doesn't understand how being employed in a specified role with duties and responsibilities works. He just wants to control you. He thinks that he is the boss and doesn't like that you have another boss in work that is more important than him.

He sounds a bit thick tbh. Sorry.

I will also add - because I can see the "he's an arsehole" brigade have come out in force - that I can see his point of view. My DH also has his own business. Yes, the upside is that he has flexibility and is a high earner but the downside is it's hard to switch off, and there are huge responsibilities that come with owning a business.

I'm a SAHM, 3 young children, and we also have a cleaner, gardener etc. I had a voluntary role for a while but had to give it up as DH working hours meant it was not feasible. Would he open to you having some external help?

Please don't back down on this. If he left you, or you wanted to leave him, you would need to be able to support yourself. Keep going - he'll manage or can get some paid help in.

Sounds like he's being deliberately obtuse because he just doesn't like you not being around to do all that you normally do. He's not accepting reality just because he doesn't like it.

OP I think your salary is too low for the travel you are having to do if I’m honest. Can you speak to some recruitment agents who specialise in your field and see if there are other jobs you could do for different companies for either the same money but less travel/ inconvenience, or more money? Often if we don’t move companies regularly our salaries can be well below the market level, and you did mention you aren’t progressing very quickly at your current place. Sorry OP but I have to agree with your husband in that I think your employer is taking the pee with the salary and demands combo.

We have a cleaner.

He takes one of the children to an after school activity close to the school once a week. And takes our other child to an activity 30 mins away another day when I'm in the office. On that day my mil will come over to be with the child that doesn't have an activity until I get home.

I block out time in my diary late afternoon each week take one of the children to an activity. I'm offline for roughly 25 mins while I get us to the activity and then I continue to work for an hour from the activity.

If I have advanced notice of times I need to help with the children I can block out the time. But I cannot do that at the drop of a hat. I usually need a weeks notice. If it's too short, I will tell him we need to do an after school club. He doesn't like to do this because it costs money.

Everything is about money with him. Essentially I don't earn enough to cover the inconvenience of my job. However he's said that if I made significantly more - say £60k plus then that would outweigh the inconvenience.

Thing is, in order for me to earn £60k+ in a corporate role along the lines of what I'm doing now, I'd need to commute into a London office 3-4 times a week, I couldn't help with drop offs or pick ups because of the commute, and I'd need to travel a lot more than what I'm doing now.

So while the extra money sounds good to him now, I know he'd still find issues with a new higher paying role after a few months.

He will never be satisfied

Is it that he feels that you're prioritising your work above everything without acknowledging it? When you say you're on a call so can't get the kids and he'll have to do it even though he's also in the middle of something, it does sound a bit like you're dictating how things happen. I can also see what he means about coming in and disappearing to cook dinner - in our house that is by far the easier job if it's that or look after wild feral evening kids. Can you discuss which jobs he feels he needs specific change with? Like if he cook and you do the kids in the evening?

I agree you can't find his dream version of your job. But I can also see why, if he is the high earner and still having to tiptoe around your meetings which seem to get moved randomly that as well as doing most of the school runs and after school childcare he's a bit pissed off. From an output viewpoint, you're putting in a lot of effort for not much financial or time reward.

TBH £40k is not a lot for a role that requires international travel for a week. I am forever reminding my DH (who runs a company) that he mustn't expect poorly paid female employees to have domestic back up at the drop of a hat (sometimes he moans that they don't want to come in person to meetings that involve two nights away midweek at short notice).