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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this a bit harsh on a 3 year old?

161 replies

Cordswain · 13/03/2025 09:31

I’m trying to make sense of some aspect of my childhood.

When I was around 3 I can remember being very distressed and screaming n the house. My mother was actually out in the garden and she came back in saying in a very cold voice:

”Stop this. It’s ridiculous screaming for your mum”

Just for context my mum was a career woman who went back to work full time after I was born - I was an only child so felt isolated

AIBU for thinking it’s harsh on a 3 year old?

OP posts:
OldChairMan · 13/03/2025 09:38

It is harsh, but it's probably not a topic for AIBU. I'd report your post and get it moved to Relationships or Mental Health. There's usually a load of dicks lurking on AIBU just waiting to lay into any sign of vulnerability.

Lyannaa · 13/03/2025 09:39

OldChairMan · 13/03/2025 09:38

It is harsh, but it's probably not a topic for AIBU. I'd report your post and get it moved to Relationships or Mental Health. There's usually a load of dicks lurking on AIBU just waiting to lay into any sign of vulnerability.

I agree

wherearemypastnames · 13/03/2025 09:41

Without the context we can never say

Original poster
Cordswain · 13/03/2025 09:43

Ok thank you all for taking the time to respond

OP posts:
HereintheloveofChristIstand · 13/03/2025 09:43

Agree with the above. If you were screaming because you were frightened or in pain, this is very harsh. If you were having a tantrum because you had been told NO, totally justified.
And it is normal for women to go back to work full time. Money doesn't grow on trees.

SemperIdem · 13/03/2025 09:44

As others have said, context is key here.

SwingTheMonkey · 13/03/2025 09:46

Same as above - absolutely impossible to say without any context. Also, lots of women go back to work full time after they have children and there’s nothing wrong with that. This feels rather like an exercise in wracking one’s brain to find examples of your mother being a bad parent.

SapphireOpal · 13/03/2025 09:48

"Just for context my mum was a career woman who went back to work full time after I was born - I was an only child so felt isolated"

I'm not really sure what this is supposed to mean tbh. Presumably you were in childcare if your mum was working, so not "isolated"? Or do you mean your mum was emotionally unavailable, which I don't think has anything to do with her working?

HeyDoodie · 13/03/2025 09:51

What’s the bigger picture? A well loved child given lots of parental time - this comment is daft to make but mum may have been at the end of her tether. A neglected child crying out for love and attention, this comment is quite symbolic

SJM1988 · 13/03/2025 09:54

More context is needed.
There is a massive difference between screaming because you are hurt / didn't know where she was or screaming because she was outside and you didn't want to go out to her.

Iwishiwasapolarbear · 13/03/2025 09:55

Totally depends on why you were screaming. And you probably both have different memories of it.

why have you mentioned she worked full time? Many mothers have to

MoreDangerousThanAWomanScorned · 13/03/2025 09:57

It clearly isn't great, but I think it's impossible to judge without knowing whether it was one isolated incident where she was imperfect, or a constant pattern. Parents are humans who make mistakes and, unfortunately, it's a normal human thing that bad memories can be more persistent than good ones, so having this memory could either mean that it was how you were treated constantly or it could mean that it formed a strong early memory because it was so unusual.

newsateleven · 13/03/2025 09:57

No I don't think it's harsh at all.

Mwydryn · 13/03/2025 09:58

I don't think there's anything wrong with this. Kids can be whiny and screamy and it's better to be a bit detached when they're tantrumming, or they'll learn that screaming gets them attention no matter what.

Overthebow · 13/03/2025 09:59

Why were you screaming though? Because you were hurt, or because you wanted attention? That would make a difference. I can be a bit harsh to my DC when she is repeatedly shouting for me so I can’t get anything done.

Overthebow · 13/03/2025 10:01

Also what’s the issue with her working full time? Lots of mums have to do this, there’s no problem with it and it’s admirable really that she worked so much to make sure you had what you needed.

Original poster
Cordswain · 13/03/2025 10:02

SapphireOpal · 13/03/2025 09:48

"Just for context my mum was a career woman who went back to work full time after I was born - I was an only child so felt isolated"

I'm not really sure what this is supposed to mean tbh. Presumably you were in childcare if your mum was working, so not "isolated"? Or do you mean your mum was emotionally unavailable, which I don't think has anything to do with her working?

Yes I meant emotionally unavailable

only child and working mum aren’t necessarily that relevant I agree- just wanted to provide some context

OP posts:
mynameiscalypso · 13/03/2025 10:03

I agree about the context. I can imagine myself having said something not too dissimilar when my DS was younger and having a tantrum about something. Sometimes, you just have to ride it out and not engage emotionally. I imagine that this may only be one example though if you're thinking about it.

Original poster
Cordswain · 13/03/2025 10:03

Overthebow · 13/03/2025 09:59

Why were you screaming though? Because you were hurt, or because you wanted attention? That would make a difference. I can be a bit harsh to my DC when she is repeatedly shouting for me so I can’t get anything done.

Because I thought I’d lost her - I couldn’t see her in the house

OP posts:
Bailamosse · 13/03/2025 10:03

It’s fine to tell a child to stop screaming, and it’s fine for a woman to have gone back to work full-time.

jellyfishperiwinkle · 13/03/2025 10:04

I hope not, I said this kind of thing all the time. "Don't scream unless it's an emergency!" was one thing I said quite a bit. I am one of those terrible working mums too.

AtrociousCircumstance · 13/03/2025 10:04

It’s really bloody harsh and cold @Cordswain ! At three a child needs help regulating emotions and love, warmth and care.

Sorry you were let down.

Original poster
Cordswain · 13/03/2025 10:04

MoreDangerousThanAWomanScorned · 13/03/2025 09:57

It clearly isn't great, but I think it's impossible to judge without knowing whether it was one isolated incident where she was imperfect, or a constant pattern. Parents are humans who make mistakes and, unfortunately, it's a normal human thing that bad memories can be more persistent than good ones, so having this memory could either mean that it was how you were treated constantly or it could mean that it formed a strong early memory because it was so unusual.

Yes she was more abusive than this

OP posts:
Original poster
Cordswain · 13/03/2025 10:05

AtrociousCircumstance · 13/03/2025 10:04

It’s really bloody harsh and cold @Cordswain ! At three a child needs help regulating emotions and love, warmth and care.

Sorry you were let down.

Thank you ❤️

OP posts:
jellyfishperiwinkle · 13/03/2025 10:08

AtrociousCircumstance · 13/03/2025 10:04

It’s really bloody harsh and cold @Cordswain ! At three a child needs help regulating emotions and love, warmth and care.

Sorry you were let down.

Yes, but who gets this right all of the time? When DDs were 3 I was rather frazzled by motherhood, as most of us are.

Not that I am excusing abuse, but this particular example isn't necessarily that.

My mum was at home until I was 7 and I remember her being horribly grumpy at times.

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