Is this a bit harsh on a 3 year old?

[Cordswain]

I’m trying to make sense of some aspect of my childhood.

When I was around 3 I can remember being very distressed and screaming n the house. My mother was actually out in the garden and she came back in saying in a very cold voice:

”Stop this. It’s ridiculous screaming for your mum”

Just for context my mum was a career woman who went back to work full time after I was born - I was an only child so felt isolated

AIBU for thinking it’s harsh on a 3 year old?

I was screaming because I didn’t know where she was

You're making a lot about one incident though. Yes it may have been a little harsh but we don't know the context around it or what had happened the rest of the day/week. Something like this really isn't a big deal by itself. If however it was part of lots of worse incidents then yes it would be an issue.

Surely it's fine to say there's no need to scream for me, I was in the garden. How is that abusive?

It’s definitely a harsh thing to say to a 3 year old, though an early post nailed it when they predicted the AIBU response. It isn’t ever ridiculous for a 3 year old child to scream/cry for their mum- no matter the context, no matter how annoying it is for us, or how irrational it seems to us. A 3 year old is tiny, and doesn’t have the ability to think ‘oh my Mum’s only in the garden, she’ll be back in a sec’- if something distresses them, they will react, it’s how they’re wired. A parent’s job is meant to be to reassure, explain, set boundaries (kindly), time and time again, over many years. Not shame the child and tell them they’re being ridiculous.

Everyone says things in the heat of the moment when stressed or at the end of their tether, of course, so if she was generally a loving and supportive mum then the odd incident like this wouldn’t be the biggest deal ever. But the fact the memory has stayed with you, and you’re reflecting on it, suggests you may be questioning things in general about your relationship with her?

I dont really understand if your mum was abusive why you need it validated that this incident was harsh. You already know she was abusive so I’m sure you’re the last one to think that your mum behaving that way is ok.

If this was a one off incident then I think it’d be fair to just try and move on from it, understanding that it may have been a traumatic memory while recognising that she may have just reached the end of her tether as you might have been particularly screamy that day - you were 3, so you won’t remember the context of the day either. But if this was a pattern of abuse as you suggest then maybe you should think about getting some therapy to process what has happened to you, I’m not sure mumsnet validating what you’re feeling about individual incidents is going to be that helpful

Anyone saying your mother was perfectly correct in coldly telling her three year old it’s ridiculous to scream for her mother must be as cut-off and emotionally stunted as she was.

I'm assuming that this is merely one of many things that you remember as being bad / unkind about her parenting.

As one memory, of something that happened when you were just a toddler, and without any context, it's not especially significant - a parent at the end of their tether whose toddler is having a clingy day, and who just wanted two minutes to go to the loo or something could easily say something like that, because nobody's perfect. But there is a clearly a bigger picture here, or you wouldn't be mentioning it.

One incident like this? Not a big deal. A whole pattern of cold, unloving and distant behaviour? Then it becomes a big deal.

Of course it's not ridiculous for a 3 year old to cry for their mum and a 3 year old shouldn't be told this.

Agreed

I don't really see why you want validation this was a harsh incident if she was more abusive than this.

Is it harsh to say it to a 3 year old? Yes. She probably should have been more reassuring and reminded you she was just outside. But if she was more abusive them not surprising really she was cold.

I've thought it several times with my own children, when I've told them I would be outside for 2 mins to get something / do something. But I've just reminded them where I was and to remember to look outside next time.

I think the problem is that this one instance lacks a lot of context for people to be able to really say whether it was harsh or not. There's lots of instances where it would be an understandable response - maybe you had a habit of screaming blue murder every time she so much as left your side; maybe she had told you clearly that she was just nipping out to the garden for two minutes and the second she left you started screaming; maybe she was just awful and would just disappear and leave you screaming for ages before coming back to snap at you.

I agree with the others that if you know she was abusive, ruminating on individual occurrences isn’t helpful. Are you seeking help for the damage she caused?

Hmm.. I hope not as I’m always asking my 3yo (nearly 4) DD to stop screeching for me for some inane reason. Sometimes it makes me jump!

You've said she was "more abusive than this" and yet you've only cited this one incident (which does not constitute abuse by the way). You need to give more examples.

I hope you're ok. I think the main thing is that it's v telling that this is an important memory for you - and something you're trying to address. It's not a working mum/not working mum question, it's something that happened to you, that you clearly remember vividly and feels symbolic to you.

I don’t think I’ve seen one person say that on this thread. What they have said, is that it depends on the situation.

If a three year old was screaming because they were told “no” they couldn’t have chocolate for breakfast, then mum popped in the garden to hang the washing out, while the three year old stood in the doorway screaming MUUUMMMMMMMMM at the top of her lungs while crying, then the mother isn’t being cruel to say stop screaming its ridiculous.

Also as others have pointed out, it could be that the mother was having a terrible time that day and made a mistake. Parents are human. Sometimes they say things that in hindsight they shouldn’t have. As a stand alone comment if there was never any other things like this happen in her parenting, why does that mean she is emotionally stunted??

If there are indeed many other behaviours that mean the mother is abusive then yes maybe she is “emotionally stunted” or a horrible mother. But as a stand alone issue, it really isn’t that big a deal.

A mother who acts like this is setting a child up to have a very self-judgemental inner voice as an adult which can cause a lot of unnecessary problems. Your mother should have helped you deal with your genuine emotions without shaming you.

what are you bashing here? harsh mums? career women? Need specifics so i can vote

I also think the tone of voice is very relevant - if my three year old panicked because he couldn't find me, I would give him a huge hug as soon as I saw him. Three is very small and they're working out a lot of stuff at that age.

That seems quite extreme from a 3 year old. Or at least, mine would just look for me around the house, he wouldn’t scream.

I used to tell mine to stop shrieking the house down just because they couldn't see me if i was, for eg, in the loo with the door closed.

Blood curdling screams for emergencies only. And worked to a) keep a roof over our heads and b) keep my sanity

It depends on how long she had been alone for etc. I've watched my child look for me briefly (sorting out laundry in utility and wanted to get it done) and it was interesting how quickly he got worried when I wasn't where he expected me to be. He's very chilled, but he was clearly phased by not finding me where he thought I was going to be. If he'd been on his own for another five minutes, I think he'd have been in a right state.

This is a very strange post.

It's not perfect parenting, it sounds like she was frustrated and overstimulated. Do you have your own children? I am sure they will also have memories of when you haven't been the parent you aim to be.

You were 3 and the chances of this memory being 100% accurate, or having the full context of what had happened that day are very small.

If you're bitter at your Mum for working (no mention of your Dad!?) then that's a whole other thing that needs unpacking.

Sometimes instead of coming to look for me mine have just shouted and screamed for me and it is bloody irritating. I have definitely told them to stop screaming and instead to come and find me.

Where was your dad in this? Was he a career man that returned to work after you were born?