Is this a bit harsh on a 3 year old?

[Cordswain]

I’m trying to make sense of some aspect of my childhood.

When I was around 3 I can remember being very distressed and screaming n the house. My mother was actually out in the garden and she came back in saying in a very cold voice:

”Stop this. It’s ridiculous screaming for your mum”

Just for context my mum was a career woman who went back to work full time after I was born - I was an only child so felt isolated

AIBU for thinking it’s harsh on a 3 year old?

Yes

Of course it’s harsh but there isn’t a single parent who has ever existed who hasn’t been too harsh with their child at some point. Because parents are humans.

If this is your worst childhood memory then you are very lucky and your Mum had a bad moment one time. If it’s part of a bigger picture then I don’t know why you are asking about this specific incident and only this incident. This incident doesn’t matter if there were worse things going on.

This incident is a normal “no parent gets it right 100% of the time” kind of incident so if you want opinions on whether your childhood was abusive/neglectful/harsh in general then you need to give a broader picture.

Well why is it only context that your mum went back to work, and you didn't mention your dad also going back to work.

Feels like you are holding it against your mum for doing what pretty much everyone dad has done.

At three you were still learning to self-regulate. The fact that you remember this incident suggests it was significant to you even if it seems mundane or trivial to others looking at it with adult eyes.

It’s all about context.

Was this an on going issue of her speaking to you harshly or was this a one off?

Had your mum had a stressful day with a three year old pushing her buttons and she needed a breather outside for 5 minutes?

Parents aren’t perfect and they make mistakes. A one off isn’t something to focus on but if there’s an on going issue it might be something to dive into.

Sounds like she was emotionally unavailable to you.

That’s no way for any adult to speak to a 3 year old. Clearly, it’s left a lasting impression on you that I hope you can heal from 🙏🏽

On going issue

I wonder why you’ve seized on that particular episode, then, if there are other more clearly abusive ones.

As others have said, it all depends on context. Were there other adults still in the house, or were you left completely alone? Might she have been out in the garden only for a very short time? Might she have told you she was going out there but you’d forgotten? Too many possibilities for anyone to pass judgement one way or the other.

If it’s an on going issue don’t eat yourself up nit picking about specific random scenarios from when you were young.
If you have realised your mother wasn’t great that’s it, she wasn’t great. There’s nothing you can do to change the past.
All you can do is try and figure out why she was like she was. Did she have a bad upbringing, mental health, relationship issues?
And then do what you can to work on yourself and healing from it and move on to live a happier life.
Sometimes we forget that parents are humans still and come with a whole load of issues and problems and that can affect how they interact and treat their children. It’s not excusing behaviour it’s just helping you make sense of it and realising it wasn’t a you issue.

Not much of what happens at three is remembered. If your mother had been able to reassure you at the time, you probably would have forgotten it. Young children remember behaviours that got them into trouble because they are so reliant on the adults around them and need to act in ways that won't jeopardise their feeling of security.

I think if that's the worst thing you can remember from your childhood and you are now a happy, healthy adult with a roof over your head you should focus more on the fact that you're luckier than many others in the world tbh and try and enjoy your life

Meh. You are gonna get a lot of folks backs up by implying that working full time is problematic in terms of parenting and leads to a child being isolated. And without knowing why you were crying it’s impossible to say. If you were hungry, cold, neglected in a house on your own for hours then yes that’s a huge problem. But if you were having a tantrum due to not getting your own way, or mum was having a time out, or hanging out washing or something then not so much.

It was different 20-30 years ago. Nowadays there is a lot of pressure on parents to put the child in the centre of everything. But when I was little, it was deemed enough if the kids were clean, clothed, fed and taken to doctor when required. I would not measure our parents by the current stardard of upbringing, because things have changed a lot since we were little.

This - can’t believe the poll result tbh!

If the issue is "my mother was abusive" then post about that instead of a random odd sentence.

What your career-dad's role in your life? Was he also an awful career-parent who went to work after becoming a father? The horror of it.

You remember screaming when you were three? And you remember exactly what your mum said. Somehow there’s something going on there that’s more to do with you right now and how you perceive your childhood and like others have said why pick on that 1 incident. that’s an absolutely nothing incident, every child misses their mum and may well scream for them it’s no big deal. She was in the garden no big deal But there’s something else going on perhaps, that Is a big deal that you’re not telling us about but you don’t have to. And I hope you get help sorting that out.

No harsh at all. She was just teaching you how to behave.
YABU

I don’t think I’ve seen one person say that on this thread.
They have.

Nobody should dismiss the concerns of a child who has to suppress their feelings of distress to keep the adults caring for them sweet.

There is someone (not saying it's the OP) who repeatedly posts about isolated and, on the face of it, relatively trivial incidents from their childhood involving their mother. The mother's behaviour isn't model parenting, but, as a one-off, certainly don't amount to abuse. Poster then receives a very mixed response from others, who invariably ask why they're fixating on a single incident.

Poster then goes on to reveal that this one incident is just part of a larger pattern of behaviour and that the parent routinely did far worse. Which begs the question, as others have already asked, if you already KNOW said parent was abusive and terrible, why highlight one trivial incident as supposed evidence of terrible behaviour? At the very least, say this was part of a much larger pattern of behaviour.

It's amazing how these memories bubble to the surface, Cordswain. I too have similar really early memories too and was brought up by abusive emotionally unavailable parents.

A good counsellor helped me sort it out in my own head. Maybe that might be something to help you? Whatever, do not allow replies supporting your mother get to you. A 3 year old (and older children too) feels what she feels and doesn't have capacity to "understand" the adult's pressures and stresses.

This^
It’s a very extreme reaction for a 3 year old to scream and be so terrified that they’d lost their mum in the house. I can understand it if you were out. Was there a reason you didn’t feel secure in your home? Surely most 3 year olds know their mum’s around somewhere.

I would find it ridiculous if my three-year-old was screaming because they didn’t know where I was in the house, but my three year old would simply walk into the garden to find me. Three year olds aren’t babies. Mine starts school this year.

You are focusing too much on this one memory and I think you need to go to therapy. What parent hasn’t told a three-year-old to stop screaming? It’s prime tantrum/overreaction age. If you pandered to them every time and did all the “ooh are you okay sweetie” stuff then you’ll end up with an overindulged terror. Are you a parent, OP?

Yep I say this too, although now concerned my child will grow up traumatised 😬