Is this a bit harsh on a 3 year old?

[Cordswain]

I’m trying to make sense of some aspect of my childhood.

When I was around 3 I can remember being very distressed and screaming n the house. My mother was actually out in the garden and she came back in saying in a very cold voice:

”Stop this. It’s ridiculous screaming for your mum”

Just for context my mum was a career woman who went back to work full time after I was born - I was an only child so felt isolated

AIBU for thinking it’s harsh on a 3 year old?

From your posts this incident obviously wasn’t in isolation and there were other things that happened that have affected you.
I don’t think it’s normal for anyone to be that cold and unfeeling to a 3 year old who has panicked at not being able to find their Mum within the house.
My own Mother wouldn’t have won any parenting classes and I remember feeling anxious as a child, her own childhood was difficult mostly because of her own mothers upbringing. Neither are/were very good at showing affection, had expectations that I would never dream of putting on my own children regarding chore lists/cooking family meals from about the age of 7 etc
Im very aware I probably over compensate with my own children because I would never want them to feel as I did, so if any of them were upset I would comfort them.
3 years old to me isn’t much more than a baby, the thought of one being scared and upset because they couldn’t find their Mum is pretty sad.

You need to speak to a professional. Seeking validation from strangers on the internet for being told off for screaming as a child is frankly weird.

Memories are extremely unreliable, especially at 3 years old. The actual event probably bore very little resemblance to the one you are imagining.

I was thinking of that poster too.

Only child here. I worked out eventually - and I really do mean eventually, as in over two decades after she died - that my mother had autism. Not a light touch/Aspie type of autism, but the whole nine yards. That sounds exactly what she would have said - I have a plethora of similar cold, unfeeling responses that I can remember. I finally worked it out because, although when I told stories about neglect that sounded absolutely terrible if you just listened to the words, I didn't ever sound distressed when I was telling them. I found this interesting. So, I managed to find a friend who had a very similar experience and we joined up all the dots together. As children lots of us do just adjust. It is neglect - emotional and perhaps also physical (in my case) - but not exactly. It's more a case of it was the best the parent could manage - you can't fault my mother for trying hard in many ways - so that's what you got on with. My friend had the same dinner every day bar Sunday for years and years and years - my mother would eat different things if I cooked them, so I cooked the evening meal from quite a young age. So in my own case, nothing was particularly terrible if you apply the ASD filter, but it was a very tough gig on paper. My mother just did not want to be needed emotionally - it repelled her. Perhaps yours was the same. And this is only a suggestion, but perhaps you're asking in your dispassionate manner because you adjusted similarly...

I agree with this. I also think 3 is very young to possible remember exactly what happened. It also makes a difference about her being a working mum, was it by choice and she could easily afford to stay home or she needed to support you put a roof over your head and food in your belly,?

I'd say that "good enough" parents have many of these miscommunication incidents where because the parent isn't a mind reader, they guess wrong about what is happening in a situation, and there is a mismatch between how they would have responded if they knew everything the child did and how they responded with the limited information they had available.

E.g. when my eldest was young he once used my electric toothbrush to clean around the tap fittings. I was hurt and angry because I associated that sort of thing with someone being really disrespectful and I told him off. He was then really upset. Later after talking to him, I realised he didn't think about me then putting it in my mouth after he had done that and hadn't meant to upset me he didn't have the cultural context of people doing yucky things with toothbrushes as a bullying thing. He just found a really effective way to clean the sink and was proud of himself because he thought he had been helpful. I was able to put a replacement head on the toothbrush and he learnt not to use toothbrushes that people will put in their mouths to scrub stuff. No real harm done. It turns out later that he's likely autistic and maybe that played a part in him not thinking it through or being aware but maybe it was just because he was young.

I felt bad for over-reacting to him and upsetting him over an innocent misunderstanding. But in my head dirtying someone's toothbrush was a really disgusting thing to do and I felt hurt.

So I would say that it's not unusual for even good parents to have times where they don't understand what the child was going through and respond wrongly to them. Your mum in that situation may not have understood the sense of panic and abandonment you experienced, to her it was obvious she wasn't far away but to you it wasn't.

It was harsh on you when you were feeling like that to have that response.
But it may not have seemed harsh to her, it can be hard as a parent when you have a young child and feel you can't even leave the room to do a chore without them following.

But it could be that this incident kind of encapuslates the relationship, with her missing your emotions a lot (either through her own communication difficulties if autistic or generally being unsympathetic or lacking empathy towards you) and not offering enough emotional support.

Parents don't need to be perfect about meeting their kids emotional needs, relationships can survive mismatched responses. But if they are happening more often than not and she doesn't have the time, skills, curiousity or empathy to realise there are problems and repair them, then overtime it will damage the relationship and culumlatively you'd feel it as neglect.

If you were left alone in the house for a long period of time then it’s on the harsh side of things, but maybe try and empathise with the your mum. No parent is perfect, despite what mumsnet make mums look like, and she was probably unable to relate or understand a very young child who was testing her resolve.

Indeed. It's pretty unusual to remember things from that young and if she was actually 4 years old then it wouldn't be odd if a 4 year old got a sharp telling off for throwing a tantrum because their mum went into the garden.

It's possible to hold compassion both for the little boy who was excited to show off the clean sink, and for the mum who felt triggered by the dirty toothbrush. Both for the little girl scared because she couldn't find her mum, and for the mum who has popped out to the garden and then has to stop what she's doing because her small child is screaming over something that to her wasn't a real threat (though I can see why it was to younger you).

Parents can sometimes say things they think are reassuring "stop crying, you're okay, nothing to be worried about" etc but that can feel really dismissive to be on the recieving end of.

We can't be and respond perfectly every time. But what we can do is to try be less reactive and more curious and responsive and when we are aware there has been a misunderstanding that we apologise and explain why it happened.

I'm sorry if your mum wasn't willing or able to do this for you.

The OP has said on other threads that her mother was an alcoholic.

This thread has to be taken in context of that.

I'm really sorry OP had such a horrible childhood and hope she's getting the support she needs, but it's a bit pointless posting one example when clearly there is a very different back story.

It also makes a difference about her being a working mum, was it by choice and she could easily afford to stay home or she needed to support you put a roof over your head and food in your belly,?

I completely disagree. It doesn't matter at all whether women work "by choice" or if they "could easily afford to stay home." Women's careers are as important as men's, they shouldn't be shamed into believing that their proper place is at home or that the only acceptable reason for working is financial need.

Seriously … how can you even remember this when you were 3 and is the memory even true? Not sure what you are hoping to get from this post?

The difficulty with isolated incidents like this is, while not great, they don't tell you much overall.

I remember a similar incident with my mum except we were at a party. However, this was out of character and she was a fantastic mum most of the time. If I'd read your OP without the additional comments, I'd have probably said to cut her some slack.

If you don't put the context of her being awful in general, you're going to get comments that aren't very validating. Be clearer from the start and you'll get more understanding about your childhood. I hope you're ok 💐

How do you know you're remember it right though?
Maybe because you were 3 you only remember the "harsh" telling off but maybe before that your mum had been dealing with tantrums & screaming most the day & decided on going in the garden for a breather and couldn't take much more screaming so told you not to 🤷🏻‍♀️ she won't be the first or last mother to need 5 mins to themselves or tell a screaming child to shush.

I don’t think this is harsh, no. I mean it’s a bit short and not the best way to help your kid when they’re upset, even if what they’re upset about does seem ridiculous, but I’m sure we’ve all been a bit short with our kids when we’re exhausted. Especially as “career mums”.

How old are you OP? Surely it isn’t that unusual for a mum to be a “career mum”?

I’m sure that if the OP can remember being shouted at, she can also remember the fear of thinking her mum had disappeared.

Yes maybe her mum had told her before whatever. It doesn’t change the fear she’d have experienced. And the fa t it clearly rattled her if she can remember it so clearly so many years later.

Wow.
How to tell the victim of childhood abuse that it’s all in theyr head agd didn’t happen 😳😳😳🤬🤬

People are replying to the initial post. The initial post alone does not describe abuse.

Reading the OPs further posts she says there was other patterns of abuse. That’s totally different.

But as a stand alone incident from the memory of a three old it is correct that the memories may not be reliable or accurate.

@LionME get told to stop screaming is not abuse ffs get a grip!

And I very much doubt the Op was only 3 more like 4/5 for such clear memories.

Yes I could’ve been 4

That’s why it’s always a good idea to RTFT.

Cancel the cheque etc….

It has hit a nerve with you for writing this essay to dismiss op's feelings about neglect from her mother.

Dont exagerrate. There was no bashing for working mothers in the first post.

A lot of defensive and dismissive comments by mothers. Apparently, op does not remember well, she does not know why she was screaming despite her explaining in first post she was distressed not finding mother in the house, posters still have to do motherspaining depends on context if you were having a lot of tantrums and mother was at the end of her tethers.