Is this a bit harsh on a 3 year old?

[Cordswain]

I’m trying to make sense of some aspect of my childhood.

When I was around 3 I can remember being very distressed and screaming n the house. My mother was actually out in the garden and she came back in saying in a very cold voice:

”Stop this. It’s ridiculous screaming for your mum”

Just for context my mum was a career woman who went back to work full time after I was born - I was an only child so felt isolated

AIBU for thinking it’s harsh on a 3 year old?

I genuinely wouldn’t say this to my three year old, I think it’s harsh.

Are you a mum? I have 3 kids and they all went through a phase of screaming the place down for me as soon as I went out of sight. My 2nd was a nightmare for it. I only had to literally walk behind her to do something, while she was sitting down to her ridiculous screams for me. It was ridiculous I was literally just behind her and could of touched her I was so close. As parents we have stuff to do in the house and as kids they want us in sight which is impossible but something we all learn in childhood our parents will be back in a couple of minutes and not scream the place down as though they're being murdered soon as we turn our backs. Depends on why you were screaming tbh. If you were hurt then you're justified, if you were happily playing and noticed she wasn't there right then and screamed blue murder, then quite likely she was angry you screamed as you did for no reason in her eyes. We do shout and do seem severe sometimes and we do sometimes regret our actions but likely she was thinking blooming heck I can hear her out here what will neighbours think so told you off. I would of done the same in same situation, if you were happy playing and I went to hang washing out very quickly, then could hear you screaming, running in thinking you'd hurt yourself, to find you perfectly fine and just screaming for me.

Did you have a career father too? They're the worst. Straight back to work and everything...

When my kids went through their "screaming for no reason all the bloody time" phase I got quite sharp about it too because it's not a behaviour I want them to learn. Apparently according to a PP that makes me "emotionally stunted" and I should have just raised children who get to 10+ and think it's acceptable to screech at everything. Presuming those posters who think that's acceptable won't later post on AIBU about their neighbours' kids screaming on their trampoline all day long in the summer.

Please post on the stately homes thread, you may find help there.

I'll probably get eaten alive for saying this, but being a mum can be exhausting, relentless and hard, and no mum is going to get it right all the time. There seems to be this mythological societal ideal of a perfect mum who never raises her voice, is always serene, never says or does the wrong thing (whatever that may be) and always does the right thing (whatever that may be).

As an isolated incident, should your mum have said that? Probably not. But no one is perfect and there is no such thing as a perfect mother or a perfect childhood. Perhaps she was trying to sort out something in the garden, whilst contemplating an issue at work, wondering what she was going to make for dinner, or if the laundry had been done or hung up, or whether there's enough milk for breakfast in the morning, or if you'd brushed your teeth, or when the last time the hoovering was done and so on.

Parenting can be hard and relentless and a lot of the mental load and the pressure falls on mothers. I have regrets about things I have said to my children in the past. I have apologised for them and tried to use the experience to make me a better mother by changing how I respond to situations I find challenging. I am not perfect but I love my children and I am doing my best. What more can one do?

A pattern of behaviour could be different. I understand from the boards on here that there are some abusive, selfish women who cause huge amounts of damage to their children. It's a matter for you where you go from here, but I hope you find comfort and understanding wherever you end up.

OP, I think you might find some peace and solace listening to what Gabor Maté has to say about suppressed emotions in childhood. There are lots of his videos on Youtube. Do not let others minimise your experience. You were three. You felt what you felt. All you needed was help with learning how to regulate your emotions. Parents who are able to guide their children in this area are giving their children a wonderful gift to take into adulthood.

I am constantly telling my 3 year old not to cry and talk to me without crying. My 3 year old thinks a no means she can cry and get the no reversed

however if my 3 year old cries because she has hurt herself, is unwell she has all my sympathies and attention and love and care.

so it's all contextual.

Life is life though. It's messy, it's imperfect. I agree that child abuse shouldn't be dismissed but all parents are falible, no childhood is angelic and perfect (from either side) and we cannot expect our parents to be holier than Jesus. In the end we have to process childhood experiences how we see fit, have the contact with our family that we see fit and become a functioning adult. That's not really anybody else's responsibility but our own. OP can ask the internet what they think of a parent all they want but the only person who's opinion matters in the end is their's. It's their responsibility to process it now as a grown adult.

Context is key. Rather than focus on this one off incident, how was she in general?
Yes, it does sound harsh and cold but as parents we've all reached the end of our tether sometimes and can lose patience with a screaming child. One of mine used to scream the house down as a toddler and there were times I just walked into another room for my own sanity.

I agree with PP, in isolation I'd agree it's normal realistic parenting even if it's not something out of a gentle parenting manual. If there is a bigger picture then I think that's more what you need to talk about, not necessarily here but where you feel safe.

You sound like you’re blaming a 3 year old here for being scared/upset when they couldn’t find their mum? Surely not. Obviously if a 3 year old has insecure attachment, they themselves are not the one to blame.

This, on it's own, doesn't sound like anything worth dwelling on years later.
Presumably it's part of a wider picture.

Obviously the memory has lingered so it looks as if you feel that your needs were dismissed. However as others have said, without context it is hard to add much more. Were you alone? what had happened to make you cry? did this sort of thing happen frequently or does it stand out for you because usually your mum was emotionally present? None of us are perfect parents who are always patient and child centered. As for working, women work for lots of reasons, they need the money, independence, because they have trained for a role and do not want to fall behind in the workplace

Of course nobody is perfect as a parent - least of all me. The point is that it's possible to slip up and lose your temper from time to time and the child still knows at some level that it's okay to be their messy, emotional selves. They are still loved. The fact the OP remembers this early occasion suggests she did not have that underlying feeling. If she did, she would have forgotten the incident long ago.

But the thing is that OP probably can't even remember the context from when she was barely a baby. She may not even have understood the context at the time. I have a couple of memories of my dad going apeshit at me at a similar age and I don't really have a clue what I did wrong. Is my dad my favourite person in the world now as an adult? Hell no! Was I ultimately still much better supported and loved than lots of children? Probably yes. Can I blame my parents now for my successes and failures as an almost 40 year old adult? Not really. Is there any point causing now elderly parents anguish by reliving these events? No. I have maintained the contact that I see fit with my parents and am living a good life independently of them. That's really all that matters

Of course, I think it’s unusual for a 3 year old to behave this way and there’s obviously a reason behind it (which is obviously not the child's fault). That’s why OP needs to tell us the full story of why she felt so insecure at ‘losing’ her mum.

As said by many context is everything! Having listened to my own 3 yr old 'screaming' for Mummy a lot of the time her screaming is not justified at all and it's just frustration at not getting whatever it is she wants in the moment because Mummy is doing something else or had the audacity to step out of sight! Mummy cannot be at the beck and call of a 3yr old 24/7

An isolated memory like this means nothing and even you don't know how accurate your 3 yr old memory is.

Abuse comes in many forms.

My mother used to lock me in the small hallway if I screamed for any reason.

This taught me not to ask for help. I was later sexually abused as a child. I didn’t scream or tell anyone…

These things stick in your mind and can come back sometimes either out of nowhere or when reflecting.

I At the age of two had the absolute cheek to start to have what may have developed into my one and only tantrum, I got angry and stamped my feet. I can remember being hit hard on the legs and if I couldn’t remember I was often told in self congratulatory times by my parents how clever they’d been to do this.

i also got a “don’t start that” from my mother aged 11 just after I’d been sexually assaulted by a man breaking into our apartment. The comment came because she’d tried to hug me and I’d not reciprocated because well I assume I didn’t really want to be touched by anyone at that time.

so sympathies op, you feel how you feel,

Bloody hell. I try to be extremely gentle and very rarely lose it with my kids, but I have shouted at them and stormed away to calm down on a small handful of occasions. Now I'm worried this is all they will remember!

No it's not really that normal. We have maternity pay in this country.

Yes it's harsh. 3yos get upset for all sorts of reasons and the way they develop coping skills is for an adult to provide comfort and work it through with them. Parents aren't perfect so otherwise good parents might do this as an isolated occurrence if stressed or not coping, but no, it's not good as a standard response to distress from your child.

A child can feel isolated if their Mum goes to work and leaves them. Yes they might have to as they can't afford it and yes they might need to do it for their self esteem, but a baby doesn't know about your issues so it can only feel how it feels. The uncomfortable truth for you is that they can feel abandoned so that's something for people to address instead of pretending it's not a thing.

Your children will remember the general thrust of how you were with them, not the few occasions when you yourself were upset and shouted.