Mil and step-grandchild

SpanishFork · 2025-03-12T17:25:34+00:00

My eldest daughter is nine and does not see her father or any members of his family. This is their choice. I do not expect my in-laws in any way to make up for this but to treat her kindly and respectfully and the same as any other children when they are all present. She has a condition which is not life threatening but is on occasion painful. Around 80% of children do not go on to suffer with this as adults. We have to go to hospital every three to six months so I have to take time off and an appointment with travel and waiting around takes most of the day. I was absolutely delighted when an appointment came through on a Saturday. My husband was going to a game so rather than drag my five year old along she was left with my mother-in-law. Well on Saturday everything went our way and we were in and out of the hospital in just under an hour. We arrived at in-laws who were completely shocked that we were so early. They were having a full on party lunch with all of their actual grandchildren including a 20 year old who had come down from Durham for the occasion. They had had a photo session the lot. I was eventually offered a tea and my eldest daughter stood by my youngest at the table. She was offered nothing. I took both of them home. They begged me to leave youngest so she could spend time with her cousins. Youngest started crying. DH who was with his brother, cousin and friend was going to collect daughter after the match but I thought as I was so unexpectedly early I would do it and he could go for a drink. God that’s long. Sorry! The in-laws did this deliberately thinking my eldest would be out of the picture. I am absolutely upset. DH can’t see what my problem is.

SometimesCalmPerson · 12/03/2025 17:34

It’s understandable that you are hurt on behalf of your dd, but the grandphave done nothing wrong. They didn’t deliberately exclude your child, they were doing you a favour by babysitting the youngest and decided to invite a few others along too.

I don’t think you can complain when they weee helping you out and it was you that changed the plan and left your youngest crying. That was mean, she didn’t deserve that. Even if the other cousins weren’t there, you would have chosen to cut down the grandparent/grandchild time just so that your husband could go to the pub.

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/03/2025 17:35

From their perspective you asked or at least expect her to be treated the same as the other children who are at something and that’s what they were doing having a photo shoot when she was elsewhere with you. It all sounds extremely awkward, for everyone.

Do you think they shouldn’t have had the party, or the photos, or do you think they should have included her once you arrived early?

Edited to add that it would be a mistake to limit your younger DD’s relationship with her grandparents and extended family because your older one doesn’t have the same. No one asked for this situation and only you and DH got a say in it. If you try and do that younger DD will resent you and her sister.

Nameftgigb · 12/03/2025 17:40

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Pjsallday · 12/03/2025 17:40

So she just stood there while everyone was tucking in to party/buffet type food or the like and they did t offer her a plate? No one person? Why did you not ask for a plate or give her your seat? Was it super awkward? We're you given a drink/,cup of tea? How long did you stay?

thepariscrimefiles · 12/03/2025 17:42

They should definitely have offered your older child something to eat/drink if they offered you something. That was just rude and unkind.

They don't seem like very kind people to take advantage of the fact that you needed to take your older DD to hospital to organise a secret get-together of all the grandchildren when they thought that there would be no danger of your older child turning up.

I would certainly keep my distance from them from now on.

Namechanger385u4p · 12/03/2025 17:43

How many other cousins were there? If only a couple it's not really a party more a "pop by as i have Sally", obvs if around 20 then yanbu. They should have offered dd1 something to eat/drink.

Was it a photoshoot with a professional photographer or do you mean just taking pictures on their cameras?

I agree then should have asked both girls to stay.

minnienono · 12/03/2025 17:44

Sorry it's disgusting, they did deliberately do this as demonstrated by not offering to include the step granddaughter when they turned up, if it had been chance they would have immediately made another place at the table.

My mum treats my dsd's with lots of love and respect, she only met them as adults so there really was no expectation but they are included in family events if they wish to take part.

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 12/03/2025 17:44

I don’t understand why your DH needing a drink trumps your DD spending time with her grandparents.

Why can’t he have a drink at home?

Nameftgigb · 12/03/2025 17:44

Pjsallday · 12/03/2025 17:40

So she just stood there while everyone was tucking in to party/buffet type food or the like and they did t offer her a plate? No one person? Why did you not ask for a plate or give her your seat? Was it super awkward? We're you given a drink/,cup of tea? How long did you stay?

This. They’re a family, they come as a package. The in laws don’t get to choose to nob off the non bio sibling and her mum, and throw a party for their son’s bio child. Who on earth hosts a party and refuses to put together a little plate for a child? I’d have done it for a stranger that turned up, let alone my grandchild’s sibling

socks1107 · 12/03/2025 17:45

My two used to get left out of everything and my mil was obsessed with sd.
We even got told we weren't invited to boxing day lunch because sd wasn't with us! I found days had been had where mine were at home alone and they all had big get togethers. Nothing I can do nothing to complain about they aren't her grandchildren.
But I've never had her here for Xmas since and never will and I keep a very clear boundary that's supported by my dh. ( if I'd left sd out of anything they'd be shouting so it's total hypocrisy)
I feel your hurt and your daughters hurt. Mine had an awful Xmas once at her behaviour and I remember their faces so upset

SometimesCalmPerson · 12/03/2025 17:46

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Yes I do think she was very much in the wrong to upset her youngest by talking her away from her extended family. She’s a young child, too young to understand the situation properly, and she didn’t deserve to be punished for her mother’s feelings.

OP didn’t say her eldest was upset, only the youngest. The eldest might not event be bothered about spending time with her sisters grandparents and cousins, this is all about how the OP feels, not her children.

BabyFever246 · 12/03/2025 17:49

The kind thing to have done would have been to include your daughter when she turned up.

No one communicated here. You didn't contact the grandparents to say 'hi we're out early so I'll swing by pick up youngest so DH can go out with....'. They didn't tell you in advance something else was happening that weekend. Had this all been communicated a lot of hurt could have been avoided.

tinygingermum · 12/03/2025 17:50

I think you were completely right to do what you did. Your MIL sounds vile leaving a child out and planning all that without mentioning anything shows she knew that she was in the wrong.

thepariscrimefiles · 12/03/2025 17:52

SometimesCalmPerson · 12/03/2025 17:46

Yes I do think she was very much in the wrong to upset her youngest by talking her away from her extended family. She’s a young child, too young to understand the situation properly, and she didn’t deserve to be punished for her mother’s feelings.

OP didn’t say her eldest was upset, only the youngest. The eldest might not event be bothered about spending time with her sisters grandparents and cousins, this is all about how the OP feels, not her children.

Show quote history

Well, if they had offered OP's older child a drink when they offered OP one instead of pointedly and rudely leaving her out, OP would probably have stayed longer. OP was completely in the right for leaving with both her children once they made it clear how unwelcome OP's older daughter was.

Dolambslikemintsauce · 12/03/2025 17:53

What actual harm would it do mil to include a dc who is part of her dgc's and her ds's life? Hell's teeth she's a bloody dc... If you met a random woman in a park she wouldn't exclude one of your dc!
Dh needs to back you up or go back to mummy...

Merrygoround8 · 12/03/2025 17:53

I can see why you’re upset but also you can’t force them to have feelings that don’t exist. I say this as a child of a blended family.

it also sounds like they reasonably assumed you’d be gone and clearly didn’t want to be spiteful. Is it possible they were just clumsy and awkward hosts (not good) because you turned up so early.

If your eldest had very loving and present grandparents on her fathers side who regularly took her too Barbados, what’s would you do for your youngest?! If they are normally good ILs don’t expect them to make up for what your child sadly lacks on her fathers side.

in an ideal world they’d come as a package and hopefully do to your DH but I find that feeling is rarely extended to the wider family.

The issue is your children ARE different and WILL have different childhood experiences by virtue of having different fathers. I say this kindly and as someone with lived childhood experience of this. It’s better to get comfortable with that and boost your eldest a self esteem in other ways, rather than wasting energy on hoping and praying everyone will view them as the same and treat them as such.

Munnygirl · 12/03/2025 17:57

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💯

LocalHobo · 12/03/2025 17:57

Why MIL not PIL?
As your DH doesn't see a problem, I would imagine his parents have followed his lead in what type of a bond they feel with your DD.
I think the whole situation is very sad and can never be forgotten, and yet had timings been different it would never have had any impact on you...
It doesn't make it any better and I am sorry both your DD's got upset.

thepariscrimefiles · 12/03/2025 17:58

Merrygoround8 · 12/03/2025 17:53

I can see why you’re upset but also you can’t force them to have feelings that don’t exist. I say this as a child of a blended family.

it also sounds like they reasonably assumed you’d be gone and clearly didn’t want to be spiteful. Is it possible they were just clumsy and awkward hosts (not good) because you turned up so early.

If your eldest had very loving and present grandparents on her fathers side who regularly took her too Barbados, what’s would you do for your youngest?! If they are normally good ILs don’t expect them to make up for what your child sadly lacks on her fathers side.

in an ideal world they’d come as a package and hopefully do to your DH but I find that feeling is rarely extended to the wider family.

The issue is your children ARE different and WILL have different childhood experiences by virtue of having different fathers. I say this kindly and as someone with lived childhood experience of this. It’s better to get comfortable with that and boost your eldest a self esteem in other ways, rather than wasting energy on hoping and praying everyone will view them as the same and treat them as such.

Don't you think that it was rude and spiteful to offer OP a drink while pointedly ignoring her older daughter and not even offering her a drink? How unwelcome would that make the child feel?

There's a big difference between expecting OP's in-laws to make up for the fact that her older daughter isn't in contact with her father's family and hoping that they will show her some kindness in a patently awkward situation by offering her a drink?

YipYapYop · 12/03/2025 18:04

How frequently to GP have DD over?

The fact that they invited the others cousins round makes me think they don't see her or them much?

What do you mean by a photoshoot? Like a professional setup or they literally took photos with the kids?

What do you mean by party tea? Balloons etc? Or just buffet food you might have if a few people were visiting?

If it's just that they thought they had DD for the whole day, decided to invite some other cousins and made a lunch, I don't think that's unreasonable. But if they look after both of the girls regularly but had an actual "your older sister's not here" party when the only difference is that she's not there, obviously that is weird!

I also think you were a bit unreasonable however to say her GP could have her or the day then drag her away.

Pigeonqueen · 12/03/2025 18:05

That’s horrible of them. Really annoys me when grandparents treat step dgc like this. They are children, you treat them all the same.

My ex mil and fil consider my Ds from my subsequent relationship as their grandchild, the same as dd. (I separated from dds dad when she was a baby, she’s now 21 and I have Ds with my dh now, he’s 13). I realise how unusual this but they absolutely adore him and always get him birthday and Christmas presents as they never wanted him to feel left out when they got dd things. They’re just decent people. That’s what you do.

MissDoubleU · 12/03/2025 18:05

Merrygoround8 · 12/03/2025 17:53

I can see why you’re upset but also you can’t force them to have feelings that don’t exist. I say this as a child of a blended family.

it also sounds like they reasonably assumed you’d be gone and clearly didn’t want to be spiteful. Is it possible they were just clumsy and awkward hosts (not good) because you turned up so early.

If your eldest had very loving and present grandparents on her fathers side who regularly took her too Barbados, what’s would you do for your youngest?! If they are normally good ILs don’t expect them to make up for what your child sadly lacks on her fathers side.

in an ideal world they’d come as a package and hopefully do to your DH but I find that feeling is rarely extended to the wider family.

The issue is your children ARE different and WILL have different childhood experiences by virtue of having different fathers. I say this kindly and as someone with lived childhood experience of this. It’s better to get comfortable with that and boost your eldest a self esteem in other ways, rather than wasting energy on hoping and praying everyone will view them as the same and treat them as such.

No one is forcing them to have feelings but that’s still their beloved DGC’s sibling and their DS’s SC. The very least they could do is make her feel included when she did arrive, not make it awkwardly obvious they’re disappointed she showed up.

coolkatt · 12/03/2025 18:07

In laws are dicks.
they are not treating your kids the same and ur oldest is still a child enough to feel different and left out. This can play havoc on a young kids mind, causing low self esteem and lots of doubts on their self worth.
I wouldn't be letting it ever happen again. Ur husband needs to let them know what they have deliberately done and that it's not on. You are a family of 4 not 3. Good for u mum for leaving. Assholes.

TunnocksOrDeath · 12/03/2025 18:09

If DH walked through the door with a complete stranger in the middle of a afternoon tea at my parents house, Mum would at the very least offer them a plate and a drink and find them a chair. To not offer something to a child who is actually part of the extended family is just unbelievably rude.

coolkatt · 12/03/2025 18:10

Merrygoround8 · 12/03/2025 17:53

I can see why you’re upset but also you can’t force them to have feelings that don’t exist. I say this as a child of a blended family.

it also sounds like they reasonably assumed you’d be gone and clearly didn’t want to be spiteful. Is it possible they were just clumsy and awkward hosts (not good) because you turned up so early.

If your eldest had very loving and present grandparents on her fathers side who regularly took her too Barbados, what’s would you do for your youngest?! If they are normally good ILs don’t expect them to make up for what your child sadly lacks on her fathers side.

in an ideal world they’d come as a package and hopefully do to your DH but I find that feeling is rarely extended to the wider family.

The issue is your children ARE different and WILL have different childhood experiences by virtue of having different fathers. I say this kindly and as someone with lived childhood experience of this. It’s better to get comfortable with that and boost your eldest a self esteem in other ways, rather than wasting energy on hoping and praying everyone will view them as the same and treat them as such.

Totally agree you can't force, BUT there are basic bloody manners as an adult that you show to make a child feel welcomed in your home no matter who they are or aren't.