Mil and step-grandchild

[SpanishFork]

My eldest daughter is nine and does not see her father or any members of his family. This is their choice.

I do not expect my in-laws in any way to make up for this but to treat her kindly and respectfully and the same as any other children when they are all present.

She has a condition which is not life threatening but is on occasion painful. Around 80% of children do not go on to suffer with this as adults. We have to go to hospital every three to six months so I have to take time off and an appointment with travel and waiting around takes most of the day.

I was absolutely delighted when an appointment came through on a Saturday. My husband was going to a game so rather than drag my five year old along she was left with my mother-in-law.

Well on Saturday everything went our way and we were in and out of the hospital in just under an hour.

We arrived at in-laws who were completely shocked that we were so early. They were having a full on party lunch with all of their actual grandchildren including a 20 year old who had come down from Durham for the occasion. They had had a photo session the lot.

I was eventually offered a tea and my eldest daughter stood by my youngest at the table. She was offered nothing. I took both of them home. They begged me to leave youngest so she could spend time with her cousins. Youngest started crying.

DH who was with his brother, cousin and friend was going to collect daughter after the match but I thought as I was so unexpectedly early I would do it and he could go for a drink.

God that’s long. Sorry!

The in-laws did this deliberately thinking my eldest would be out of the picture. I am absolutely upset. DH can’t see what my problem is.

But OP wasn’t in the wrong for going when she did. She did it with the intention of letting her husband enjoy the after match with his cousin.

If it hasn't happened before was it necessarily deliberate?
I'm trying to organise a family get together for my soon to be 18 year old. It's very difficult to get a date as he lives 4 hrs away and is studying and working etc. So I have agreed a date with him and invited family. Those who can't make it will just not be there. I can't accommodate everyone.
So was the grandchild from Durham visiting so that took priority and a get together was organised. Those who could make it could make it and those that couldn't couldn't?

Good intentions don’t always work out best.

As I said in an earlier comment what if they were not in when the op got there? If they were at the park? Or a local forest or beach? Or even a spot of shopping and lunch.

Op certainly didn’t checked in before arriving that they were in fact home thus the shock, or can the grandparents not only not have guests when babysitting but also have to be declared housebound. Upon doing a favour for their son and daughter in law.

If you were asked to babysit from 12-4pm would you not possibly make plans of things to do in that time? But then suddenly without announcement 1pm arrives and yeah sorry don’t need you anymore sod any enjoyment you and grandchild may be having as a fun time you’ve served your purpose.

I can’t see anything wrong with them arranging a get together without you, and by making a point of not telling you I am guessing you don’t necessarily facilitate or smile on their relationship.

The behaviour on your arrival is different however, even the dimmest of people should have jumped to it and swung into hospitality. I’d probably have called ahead or whatever, for all you knew they could have been out or in the middle of something given they thought they had the afternoon (or whatever) together. I would have taken the opportunity to, do something nice with my eldest and left their plans to stay as intended.

I think that’s a bit of a reach. It sounds like you’re insinuating that OP has done this deliberately to sabotage whatever plans were going on. And yes, of course they could have been out etc but that’s a moot point. OP happened to turn up when they happened to be in - with a house full of ‘proper’ family. Then the subsequent actions of the MIL left them feeling awkward.

Gate crashing when not expected isn’t exactly polite so of course it was awkward.

Food and drink was offered regardless of by who.

Gate crashing! Lol.

Well they clearly did. A party or get together was happening the op was not invited to and yet she arrived without an invite or a call ahead.

Dh and cousin probably knew all about it.

People ask how it is usually. DH often sees them on his own or we all go together so they don’t see younger one on their own, I think this is an issue with them.

MiL asks if she can take younger one places but never asks to take elder one anywhere.

DH has a niece close in age to elder one but it is younger one who is invited to birthdays etc.

Sister has spoken with DH about this and I think DH agrees that MiL could see her on her own but he does nothing to facilitate it.

There has been a cousin wedding where DH had to ask for an invitation for elder one which was forthcoming.

There was another occasion where there were lots of photos being taken and then awkwardness when elder one who was carrying a small younger one had younger one taken out of her arms by DH’s niece and when elder one didn’t move had to be told by other niece to go to me. I didn’t realise this until bedtime two days later.

They are friendly to everyone and while they were remiss on Saturday are usually hospitable. On Saturday while it was the kind of food you would have at a buffet they were all sitting round the table making it odd for elder one. I admit I should have stepped in but I was too shocked.

She didn’t gatecrash anything. She went to pick her daughter up.

And the fact that OP and her daughter weren’t invited is partly the issue isn’t.

She went where the arrangement was for her dh to pick up after his event. Op decided to change all the plans without even a text ahead.

And?

Can’t then be mad when you don’t like other people’s plans.

A simple text would have saved all the shock and likely improved the atmosphere.

“hey mil dds hospital trip finished early and thought I’d save dh the trip so I’ll come grab dd now.”

Mil would be forewarned and like op would be too that people where there.

That is likely true. But it doesn’t mean it isn’t a shit situation in the first place.

I’d say they planned it for that time to save the embarrassment of your daughter not being asked to be in the family photos which I can understand.
However the child should have been treated with warmth and respect when you did come back early. I know they were not expecting you but still.

This is shocking. I am sorry for your eldest and for you, and it seems constantly disappointed by some people's obsession with their own DNA to the exclusion and expense of little children.

It would appear op knows full well also that they want to spend time with their grandchild only and that her older dd isn’t actively considered family this would be no shock and would of been apparent before they had a child together.

The shit situation is fully of the two adults making a blended family. You cannot force granny’s and grandads and aunties and uncle to blend. Hell you can’t even really force children too they will go their own ways with their own minds as soon as old enough.

The shit situation is fully of the two adults making a blended family. You cannot force granny’s and grandads and aunties and uncle to blend. Hell you can’t even really force children too they will go their own ways with their own minds as soon as old enough.

You might not be able to force them but it doesn’t make that right. The grandparents in the situation are adults who have a choice of whether to make a child feel included. It really isn’t that difficult.

But again if the op hadn’t arrived unannounced the older dd wouldn’t have a bloody clue.

If the dh had gone as was planned and expected yes the younger child might of mentioned seeing some cousins but it wouldn’t have become this issue.

Op would have no doubt had an issue even if mil suddenly rolled out the red carpet once they arrived due to the secret party.

She needs to take up the issues with her daughters parent and his parents for letting her down. Not her husbands family who can invite the king round to their house if they so wish and it doesn’t place the child in danger.

I'm a step child and I think it's disgusting behaviour. But luckily my step grandparents were always very kind and I remember them fondly.

As always MN is full of people thinking rudeness to a step child is fine and said child needs to suck it up, totally glossing over the fact that the in laws used a hospital appt to have a secret party they didn't mention to either parent and then chose to make it uncomfortable when the mother unwittingly - because she hadn't been told it was happening - turned up to collect her other child. Which was a normal thing to do because as far as she knew they were just watching her. And everyone who thinks it's okay to mislead parents in order to exclude a young child and then compound that dishonesty by making things awkward needs to take a long look at themselves.

I'd have left too, OP, and I would be seriously reconsidering any future relationship with them. Let you DH handle it from now on.

It's an "unnatural relationship" or, as another poster puts it, "forced feelings" to offer a nine year old a glass of pop and and a fairy cake when there's already a party going on !?!

Fucking unbelievable.

OP isn't asking them to cuddle the child and buy her a fucking pony or leave her half their house when they snuff it.

A hello, a chair for a child with a chronic medical condition and a bloody sandwich.

Jesus fucking Christ.

It’s not about placing a child in danger though is it? Hyperbole much.

And very possibly she might have had an issue but that would have been about the fact it was happening in the first place.

And it’s irrelevant what the older child’s bio family do, it’s still no excuse for excluding a child.

I obviously feel differently about this sort of thing because I just know that I wouldn’t allow a child to feel excluded regardless.

You’ve articulated this so well. Better than I could. @UndermyShoeJoe you should read this.