Mil and step-grandchild

[SpanishFork]

My eldest daughter is nine and does not see her father or any members of his family. This is their choice.

I do not expect my in-laws in any way to make up for this but to treat her kindly and respectfully and the same as any other children when they are all present.

She has a condition which is not life threatening but is on occasion painful. Around 80% of children do not go on to suffer with this as adults. We have to go to hospital every three to six months so I have to take time off and an appointment with travel and waiting around takes most of the day.

I was absolutely delighted when an appointment came through on a Saturday. My husband was going to a game so rather than drag my five year old along she was left with my mother-in-law.

Well on Saturday everything went our way and we were in and out of the hospital in just under an hour.

We arrived at in-laws who were completely shocked that we were so early. They were having a full on party lunch with all of their actual grandchildren including a 20 year old who had come down from Durham for the occasion. They had had a photo session the lot.

I was eventually offered a tea and my eldest daughter stood by my youngest at the table. She was offered nothing. I took both of them home. They begged me to leave youngest so she could spend time with her cousins. Youngest started crying.

DH who was with his brother, cousin and friend was going to collect daughter after the match but I thought as I was so unexpectedly early I would do it and he could go for a drink.

God that’s long. Sorry!

The in-laws did this deliberately thinking my eldest would be out of the picture. I am absolutely upset. DH can’t see what my problem is.

Ok time for action. Leave the in-laws and partner issue and move the focus entirely on to Dd. You need now to be as positive, loving and supportive as is humanly possible in order to compensate if and when you think necessary. And you can. You need to make this a special and uniquely precious relationship between you and her. Tell her she’s possibly the most wonderful thing in the whole world and you are the luckiest soul alive because you get to be so much to her and to have her more to yourself than any mum should ever expect to be lucky enough to have! Spend very very special time with her doing fabulous things and give her as much one on one time and love as she seems to need. There are ways you can make her feel truly appreciated and seen even if it’s not forthcoming from the in laws. Don’t be negative about them just point out to her how you are the fortunate one and how lucky you are she’s in your life.

This is exactly right. Very well put.

Yes - in order to have a photo shoot which wouldn’t have the Ops daughter included. Very sad.

It's a crap situation and one we see on here all the time. Sure, the GPs are under no obligation to DD1 providing basic civility and manners are followed. Were I to be in the same situation as OP, I would match the ILs energy (and give nothing in their direction). Instead I'd focus on ensuring DD1 spent more time with my parents (as well as with DD2 of course). It would be up to DW to manage DD2s time with her parents.

I grew up in a blended family. Before my mother had other children, step dad’s parents would take us out etc. when the “real” grandchildren turned up, we were forgotten. They weren’t bad people but just didn’t think.

I do think my mother could have done more. Me and my full siblings wouldn’t even stay for Xmas day but shipped to our fathers house so she could invite her in-laws around and they could spend time with their grand kids.

I now have a child and while I understand you can’t make people be decent, I’d not bother with people who made my child feel like shit. There is nothing worse than growing up thinking you aren’t apart of the family.

What I would do is stop arranging meet ups- put the ball in their court. Then if they see their grand child, take your eldest out for mummy and daughter time.

I’d also chat with your husband. When you married, he agreed that you would be a family. He should be on your side with this.

Honestly, you are overthinking this. It was nice for the grandparents to have a time with all their grandchildren that didn’t leave your other daughter out. Turning up unexpectedly put everyone on the back foot. Ideally, I think you could have said, sorry, you didn’t realise you were interrupting, and take older daughter out for a treat, then pick younger daughter up when planned. But I don’t think anyone did anything wrong.

We were at something with husband’s family. My eldest daughter comes up to me and said that auntie wanted me to know that there was Banoffee Pie later! Neither of us could understand why this was particularly newsworthy.

It later emerged that the kids except my daughter were all gathered, she joined the group with her siblings, the cousin’s wife told her to run and tell me about the banana based pudding so the real relatives’ kids could have a photo.

Not my first rodeo. When husband’s grandma was alive all the children were called for a photograph. My beautiful baby rang along hand in hand with her little bro only to be politely ushered away.

Like yours my husband doesn’t see the issue - she isn’t related to these people!

Ever since when my younger two are being prats or my elder daughter doesn’t want to do something she will say I think this is a banoffee pie moment. It’s a joke but I swear I feel sick and like you say, paralysed. Again like yours DH’s family are nice and inclusive except for those ‘special’ moments when they want a new photo on the piano or mantelpiece.

Ever since when my younger two are being prats or my elder daughter doesn’t want to do something she will say I think this is a banoffee pie moment. It’s a joke but I swear I feel sick and like you say, paralysed.

Feeling sick for you, @StarbucksSally . It's great that your daughter is sharp enough to turn it into a joke - with the punchline very much how poor adults' behaviour can be. I suppose in the 21st century these people can put the step children on the fringes of the photo and have them photoshopped out afterwards, so no need to be quite so awful at the time 😡

Why can't a step-sibling be in a family photo? They may not be blood relatives but they live with the GP's child and are part of the family. Sorry, I cannot understand that way of thinking. I think it is really cruel to exclude any child like that and I wouldn't want to know people who behave like that.

Of course they can be in a family photo, if all the family want them there. But if the family don’t feel bonded to a step child then having photos without them is ok too.

Parents who choose to create step families can’t expect everyone to feel the way they want them to just because it helps them feel better about the position they’ve put their children in. The children will only feel hurt over it when the parents do. If parent don’t set the expectation that their in-laws will want to be grandparents to children they aren’t related to, no one ends up
disappointed.

They don’t want them in the photo incase they stop being part of the extended family basically.

They don’t want the possibly last photo with granny to have brothers ex wives daughter in it. Thats the basic jist of it.

Just as dh’s sibling hates the fact the last big family photo that keeps getting used before lots of elderly relatives died was our wedding and she made him be included in it. They have since split, children married someone new and this is still the big family photo.

I’m sorry this happened to you. It was very cruel

OPs child would still be the youngest childs sister even if they split.

Divorces happen. If OPs DH had a sibling getting married, should OP not be allowed in any photos at the wedding as his wife in case they divorce later?

If I attend a wedding on DHs side should only him and our kids be in photos and I stand aside in case we divorce some day?

Next time PIL come to yours take some photos of them and your 'children' and watch their reaction - see if their behaviour is the same in your house. Make them suck up their bad behaviour.

Well of course they can choose to do what they like. But if the stepchild is part of the family, as in they live fulltime with their GP's own child, it seems strange behaviour to deliberately exclude them from a group photograph. And to not even acknowledge their birthday - what is that all about? It is just plain unkind. But I'm well aware that some GP's behave very strangely even to their own grandchildren. One friend had to suffer her husband's parents showing favouritism to their firstborn son and giving the second-born inferior presents because that's what they liked to do. And no, it was nothing to do with money.

There's a reason GP didn't communicate it to OP and it's bc SD was excluded.
It's that moment when you walk into something when they weren't expecting you, and didn't want you there, the tension is palpable and I hate it.

This is very hurtful behavior. They went out of their way to put on a party with a photoshoot knowing your eldest was at hospital with you. Children don't care for blood sadly some adults do. I am so sorry for you and your children going through this experience. I'd tell the kids that whilst others may not view them as equal family, in your home you all are!

YANBU OP and I would be cross with your husband as well as your PILs. The reason they were shocked when you turned up is because they knew damn well how awful they were being. They were caught out and they didn't know how to handle it. If they genuinely thought they did nothing wrong they wouldn't have reacted like that.

They should include your DD the same as any other child and the fact they don't speaks volumes to their characters, or lack of.

I have a cousin who isn't a blood relative and my grandparents never treated him any differently to the rest of us. We all stayed there for summer holidays, we all went out together, in fact he was favoured over me! (Because he was a boy and I'm not but hey...)

It cost them nothing to have such open hearts, and it would cost your PILs nothing either. What mean people they are to deliberately and so sneakily to exclude a child from her family.

If my DH condoned that I would be rethinking the relationship. I definitely agree with advice already given to focus on visiting your own parents and minimise contact with the PILs as much as possible. They can reap what they've sown.

If they say anything you can point out that they aren't your blood relatives so you don't feel the need to include them, same as they feel about you and your daughter.

I never said it was right, I'm saying lack of communication is why it happened.

Had the grandparents said what was going on that weekend OP could have avoided it by sourcing alternative childcare. At very least she could have discussed it with her DH. The youngest wouldn't even have to have known about that party to be upset when pulled away.

Had OP called ahead and said she was on her way over and then found out what was going on at least OP would have known what she was walking into and been able to make a choice. She could have told them get youngest shoes on she's coming home now and left the oldest in the car so she didn't see what was going on and got upset, or decided to leave youngest there and address it later and take oldest home without her knowing about the exclusion.

What they did was awful in my opinion, but in terms of protecting the kids feelings, communication would have helped and stopped the issue before it occurred.

I don’t see why OP has to tiptoe around nasty relatives. I get that it’s about protecting the feelings of DD but she would find out anyway from her sister. And the GPs deserve to be shown up for what they are.

My best friends DSB would visit his GM weekly and would always came home with one of those corner shop blue bags full of sweets. Cheap sweets maybe totalling £2.00 but back then £2.00 got you a a lot of sweets. His GM never gave any sweets to my darling friend. Luckily her brother is lovely and would share but I always found it odd how her mum never gave her a few sweets just to conceal the imbalance. But it also teaches you things too; that life isn’t fair, things are not balance and equal, and to not be bitter whilst others are gaining and you may not.

#BabyFever246 they didn't communicate bc they didn't want the OP to know what was going on.
They wanted to exclude SD on the quiet and hope or play down other child's version of what happened.
People don't communicate when they are being sly, that's what it is about, doing things on the sly, but this time they got caught out.

Did your friend never see their own GM? As most of the time on these threads, the lack of paternal family input seems to heighten the want for the new family to make up the difference.

She doesn’t have to tiptoe around them, but turning up anywhere uninvited and unannounced therefore completely ignoring the original plan is asking for a problem.

The in laws shouldn’t have to tip toe around OP just so they can see their grandchild on a day their own son was intending to facilitate the arrangements.

They are family and they were going anyway later. If the GPs hadn't been so unwelcoming they would have all stayed. It's OP's own child and her PIL - not a business meeting.