Mil and step-grandchild

[SpanishFork]

My eldest daughter is nine and does not see her father or any members of his family. This is their choice.

I do not expect my in-laws in any way to make up for this but to treat her kindly and respectfully and the same as any other children when they are all present.

She has a condition which is not life threatening but is on occasion painful. Around 80% of children do not go on to suffer with this as adults. We have to go to hospital every three to six months so I have to take time off and an appointment with travel and waiting around takes most of the day.

I was absolutely delighted when an appointment came through on a Saturday. My husband was going to a game so rather than drag my five year old along she was left with my mother-in-law.

Well on Saturday everything went our way and we were in and out of the hospital in just under an hour.

We arrived at in-laws who were completely shocked that we were so early. They were having a full on party lunch with all of their actual grandchildren including a 20 year old who had come down from Durham for the occasion. They had had a photo session the lot.

I was eventually offered a tea and my eldest daughter stood by my youngest at the table. She was offered nothing. I took both of them home. They begged me to leave youngest so she could spend time with her cousins. Youngest started crying.

DH who was with his brother, cousin and friend was going to collect daughter after the match but I thought as I was so unexpectedly early I would do it and he could go for a drink.

God that’s long. Sorry!

The in-laws did this deliberately thinking my eldest would be out of the picture. I am absolutely upset. DH can’t see what my problem is.

Yes, this. If one of my DC brought a friend home I'd have always offered them food and a drink.

All of the ‘children’ present-two of them are legally adults are the grandchildren of my in- laws.

My husband went to football with a cousin but his children weren’t involved.

Had my in-laws been open with me I would have been devastated but what could I have done except I wouldn’t have turned up early to protect my elder daughter.

Excluding your child in this way was really nasty. They could have done this event any time should they wish, but they purposely went out of their way to sneak around and exclude your eldest child. Unbelievably mean and I wouldn't have tolerated it either.

Had they had their wits they would have offered her a plate. I most definitely didn’t have my wits so I let her down as well. There is a possibility that a cousin offered her something at the table but we can’t remember. I actually think my daughter wouldn’t have been able to swallow anything anyway.

You don’t ACTUALLY know for certain this was done to purposely exclude your child

If you had solid evidence then I would be on your side completely

However, never expect other people to view her as her own blood would. That’s your mistake.

Also your dh must have known about the party if he dropped her off?

My younger daughter says that her 17 year old cousin did offer my elder daughter a slice of pizza but my elder can’t remember.
I really feel for your younger daughter in this, it must really hard for her if she's having to learn she's not allowed to have or enjoy time with her dads family without feeling bad about it.

How could it not be done purposely to exclude the child. If it hadn’t she’d have been invited.

I’m not sure I would have been upset as such, more of a ‘ok, now we all know where we’re standing’.
They decided to do the ‘these are our grandchildren’ without being upfront about it, they knew it was wrong. They don’t see your eldest as part of their brood, and why should they, she’s not, that’s fine. But don’t fucking sneak around, have some balls, have the courage of your convictions!
I don’t think YABU.
But…it wasn’t your decision to play the game this way. And you can’t tell them: you have to be grown up enough to treat the eldest with kindness and respect. They should have thought of that. There isn’t much you can do about it. What you can do is teach your daughters how to navigate these kind of circumstances.

Maybe her dad’s family should do something about that then.

Would you prefer it if they didn't offer her any food as that suits your narrative?

You don’t ACTUALLY know for certain this was done to purposely exclude your child

It fairly obviously was.

Some people on the thread are arguing that that's fine, but I don't think anyone can rationally argue that it wasn't deliberate.

Surely if they hadn't deliberately excluded OP's elder child they would have either told OP about the party or at least not been totally shocked and embarrassed when OP and her daughter turned up earlier than expected.

I honestly don’t understand anyone who can think it’s fine either. I mean I know they do but I can’t get my head round it at all.

Don't be so ridiculous. She would have liked them to treat her elder daughter with some kindness.

If I had a particular ‘narrative’ I wouldn’t have even mentioned that my younger daughter thought that food had been offered by the 17 year old.

when I said photo shoot I meant photos taken with FiL’s camera on a timer. Little one did a reconstruction which she found funny.

DH did drop her off but he just thought his nieces and nephews had come over. He didn’t really think anything of it,

Exactly the same in my family too .

Mil should be grovelling her apology to your child , i hope your actions have made her think twice.

I will get shot down for this but I would not be leaving my other child in there care moving forward. I'm assuming your husband has been in her life for most of it. Does she refer to him as dad? If so I would be telling him he can't take on that title and not stand up for her being treated as his daughter.

What truly awful people.
Stories like this are such a regular thing.

Unfortunately I really think women need to take very seriously the type of families they marry into befor having more children because the consequences for their innocent existing children being 'othered' in this situation is horrific.

You cannot force awful people to be kind and decent to your child, that is no blood connection to them.
This is a sad fact.

I simply wouldn't be in their company again.
They would never get the chance to treat my child like that again.

Ugly people and I would neither forgive nor forget.
But the reality OP is you brought this on your child, by marrying again, into a family like this.
No matter what your husband is like, this is his family and this is how they choose to behave.

I dont think they were in the wrong as such to have the party (giving them the benefit of the doubt this could have been the only day everyone was free) but they were awful not to include your eldest once she was there.

As soon as you arrived with your daughter they should have welcomed her and invited them both to stay.

I have step nieces and nephews and I treat them just as I treat my biological nieces and nephews. I could never let them feel excluded and would hate for them to feel awkward.

Your story about the consultant is completely irrelevant to your in-laws actions but entirely relevant to your reaction. You are massively projecting your own feelings about your eldest daughter’s paternity onto a set of grandparents who just wanted to have a nice day with their grandchildren.

There is nothing for you to be devastated about. From the sounds of it, all their grandchildren have step siblings or half siblings here and there, so no matter what they do they can’t win. How many extra children would you expect them to invite to their home just so that all their own grandchildren’s step and half siblings were included.

You say they would normally be kind and welcoming so they are not bad people. They just wanted to make the most out of the day they thought they were getting with their youngest grandchild.

If all the step and half siblings of all the children present were included to the party, how many children in total would there have been?

That sounds horrible, your poor daughter.
My mother was a step grandmother and she would never have behaved like this.
She should have told you about the party and said that you and your daughter were welcome when you come back from the hospital.
I can't imagine treating a child like this.

So if you look at the situation from their perspective, you asked them to look after their granddaughter for the day so they took the opportunity to gather all of their other grandchildren for a family get together.

You then turned up after an hour asking to take your daughter and they were shocked.

You say your eldest daughter wasn’t offered anything but was it a buffet/help yourself/casual type of thing and they expected her to help herself or each assumed someone else or you would sort her.

Is it really so bad that the grandparents wanted a little tea party for all their grandchildren? It’s sad your older child has no relationship with her dad but she isn’t related to them, as long as they’re kind to her, which it sounds like they are, that’s fine. I don’t think they should be made to feel bad for having an afternoon with all their grandchildren.

I think it's ok that you and your daughter are upset but it's also ok that they wanted to celebrate having their biological grandchildren all together.I do think the deliberately keeping it a secret part is quite bad. Yes it would be great if they were both treated the same but there's not really any way you can force that. Make sure your older DD knows how much you love them and that she is not responsible for the different treatment she gets to her younger siblings and make sure your DP is well aware why you are upset and how/if it affects your older daughter