Mil and step-grandchild

[SpanishFork]

My eldest daughter is nine and does not see her father or any members of his family. This is their choice.

I do not expect my in-laws in any way to make up for this but to treat her kindly and respectfully and the same as any other children when they are all present.

She has a condition which is not life threatening but is on occasion painful. Around 80% of children do not go on to suffer with this as adults. We have to go to hospital every three to six months so I have to take time off and an appointment with travel and waiting around takes most of the day.

I was absolutely delighted when an appointment came through on a Saturday. My husband was going to a game so rather than drag my five year old along she was left with my mother-in-law.

Well on Saturday everything went our way and we were in and out of the hospital in just under an hour.

We arrived at in-laws who were completely shocked that we were so early. They were having a full on party lunch with all of their actual grandchildren including a 20 year old who had come down from Durham for the occasion. They had had a photo session the lot.

I was eventually offered a tea and my eldest daughter stood by my youngest at the table. She was offered nothing. I took both of them home. They begged me to leave youngest so she could spend time with her cousins. Youngest started crying.

DH who was with his brother, cousin and friend was going to collect daughter after the match but I thought as I was so unexpectedly early I would do it and he could go for a drink.

God that’s long. Sorry!

The in-laws did this deliberately thinking my eldest would be out of the picture. I am absolutely upset. DH can’t see what my problem is.

If you hadn't shown up you'd never have known. It's sad for you and your eldest but sometimes blood relatives want to be with blood relatives. I don't think it's fair to blame them for that.

If you and your DH split chances are they may not see your eldest again and would be sad if she was in every family photo. We don't have any blended family units in our family (YET) but I could see this happening.

All my wedding family shots have two members who split with my aunt/uncle soon after the wedding. We'll never see them again and yet they've wrecked my pictures and no one wants them up!
I get it's a child but if the relationship ends they become a random because blood counts.

The step and half-siblings of the eldest grandchildren I refer to are from BilL’s ex wife. They would never even have met my in-laws. They are not my BiL’s stepchildren.

If they had told you this is what they wanted to do while you were elsewhere with your eldest, would you have allowed it?

All my wedding family shots have two members who split with my aunt/uncle soon after the wedding. We'll never see them again and yet they've wrecked my pictures and no one wants them up!
I get it's a child but if the relationship ends they become a random because blood counts.

See, again, this wouldn’t bother me. It would just be who was there on the day. And if it was a child, it would bother me even less.

Is it really so bad that the grandparents wanted a little tea party for all their grandchildren? It’s sad your older child has no relationship with her dad but she isn’t related to them, as long as they’re kind to her, which it sounds like they are, that’s fine. I don’t think they should be made to feel bad for having an afternoon with all their grandchildren.

This. They don't regard your DD as a grandchild & they don't have to.

They snuck around because you gave them no choice. If they'd explained to you that they were taking the opportunity to have a get together with their grandchildren, you would have withdrawn your other child.

You can't force other people to be the neat nuclear family you'd like your older daughter to have. The missing person/people are her own father & his relatives.

You changed the plans are upset that they made plans because they where supposed to have their grandchild from dh drop off to dh pick up.

You were offered tea. Sounds like your older dd was offered pizza but if buffet style you help yourself anyway.

You’re mad at her lack of family because her paternal side are rubbish. But your dh’s family did nothing wrong they held a get together for their grandchildren when they where supposed to be babysitting what they do as long as not illegal, not endangerment and such while baby sitting isn’t a snub to your older child. What would you have done if they had actually gone out? Or are they meant to just sit house arrest with no visitors when babysitting

Can’t understand why you wouldn’t have just asked for a plate for your child? Of course they would have given her one. Probably with all what was happening if lots of people there, it wasn’t a deliberate decision to not give her one, just an oversight.

OMG you accuse OP of over-reacting but you're banging on about your wedding photos being 'wrecked' as two family members who are in the photos split up after your wedding! Who cares? This is a real life little girl who is upset.

People can prioritise their blood relations but that doesn't make it OK to be deliberately unkind to their grandaughter's sister.

All my wedding family shots have two members who split with my aunt/uncle soon after the wedding. We'll never see them again and yet they've wrecked my pictures and no one wants them up!
I get it's a child but if the relationship ends they become a random because blood counts.

This. We have a rare photo from my grandmother's 80th with my cousins and I all gathered round our grandparents. My uncle had a partner at the time who had a daughter, her mum insisted on her being included in the picture.

They broke up a few months later. They'd only been together maybe 18m, most of us had only met the daughter briefly 2 or 3 times and now shes this random extra child we barely knew in the last family photo we have of Grandma.

They are still half/step siblings of the biological grandchildren, and they are still children, which is what is being used as the reason for all to be treated the same.

@thepariscrimefiles they are wrecked. Every picture with my grandmother in it now has the exes of two of her children. No one wants to see their faces on the wall because they are no longer part of our world.

I didn't say she was overreacting I don't think. I was trying to say she can't blame them for not wanting her child in their family shot.
They seem to be kind and respectful the rest of the time. Why can't they have this?

Her dad is a shit for walking away but it doesn't mean she gets to commandeer a new family because of his failings.

My dad was also a shit who abandoned us. I never expected my step dads family to pretend I was their full blood. They were pleasant and friendly.

I haven't seen them in 17 years since my mum and him split up. How would they feel if I'd been in their all the grandchildren picture?

This is life. Just because you blend with a partner doesn't mean the whole family has to adjust their family tree.

Nothing in OPs post suggests anything was done deliberately or unkindly. Op says herself that her dd is normally treated with kindness, so do you think the in-laws had a psychotic episode and decided to be horrible to her on this occasion?? Sounds like her eldest is reacting to OPs over reaction in relation to in-laws.

I've just fed my daughter's friend her tea on 10 minutes notice because if you are here when food is being served you are getting fed!
For the PIL to deliberately ignore a child regardless of whether they are blood related or not is spiteful and unnecessary. They are not nice people at all.

I asked if there was a chance that they were perhaps so surprised / feeling awkward / surprised that this was just an oversight. If they don’t usually completely fail to offer refreshment to OP and her eldest on visits I don’t see why they would here - I imagine the more obvious explanation is that they were surprised and really taken aback to see OP and eldest at the door rather than being vile individuals unless there is a big backstory. Party or not, I would be taken aback by someone appearing hours early without so much as a text beforehand. As an isolated incident I think a lot of this can be explained as social awkwardness at the situation no one was prepared for.

We also have the big wedding photo with siblings Ex it. But also the last photo of some now dead relatives big bummer on that.

Just rude. A horrible thing to do to a small child, she didn’t know, it’s not her fault. Even if you aren’t happy someone turned up you’d act like an adult and offer a drink.

Honestly if she only wants to interact with her bio grandchildren I would suggest she doesn’t come round to yours ever. Let DH manage the relationship with them.

Ops has said twice now that in fact the dd may have been offered food... but despite the 5yo saying the 9yo was, 9yo and op can't remember. . .

Do they have form for this or was it the first time something like this has happened?
Totally understandable for you to be upset either way just wondered what the bigger picture is

By a cousin, not MIL though.

They should have offered her something, but i'm sure you could have made this happen ('oh cakes, how lovely, let's just get you a plate' etc).
However, it must have been very awkward for all, they were surely looking forward to this day with their granddaughter (and let's face it, your other DD is not this) - and they did nothing wrong. How close is your other DD to them. Does she spend time with them? I can understand how they must be feeling. She is not their GD.
I would have left younger DD there, and gone out and had a nice time with older DD just the 2 of you! Then come back for younger DD later as planned. Then everyone is happy!

I think it's pretty sneaky of the in-laws to have done this. As an adult you understand all the nuances of blended families but the children don't and they shouldn't be made to feel inferior.

People who are flabbergasted that anyone would find this ok…do you notice a pattern that it’s people who have been step children themselves who don’t see an issue here?

I grew up as a step child. I don’t think this is “devastating” at all. Yes they should have offered your eldest a drink and some food, but by your own admission they usually would but were caught off guard.

It sounds like there are a tonne of half siblings and step siblings in this family so if your eldest should have been invited in your mind then so should all of the half and step siblings.

The truth is if you and your DH divorce then the GPs have no connection whatsoever to your eldest DD. You might think that will never happen but it sounds like most of the GPs children have had divorces at some point already so would it be surprising if it happened again? Your DD is treated differently because she is different. That’s the facts of blended families. My step grandparents were kind to me as a child but I am not their grandchild and I don’t have a relationship with them as an adult, but my sister, their actual grandchild does. She’s inherited from them etc. I don’t see any of that as unfair in any way whatsoever. I never have. I put that largely down to my Mum not making a big song and dance about things like this when I was a child.

I clicked on this expecting to stick up for the grandparent, as I am usually of the opinion that you can't force grandparents to go along with a blended family if they don't want to (although I think it's the right thing to do).

But I have to say that I would have been completely devastated if this had happened to me/my DC. How hurtful. The GPs should have explained their plans to you, then you would have known not to go round there with DD1. And they certainly should have welcomed you both in when you did arrive. I'm sorry that happened to you and your DDs.

Or they could have said they were doing something with cousins so not to pick up/or they would drop off at a certain time.
They’re clearly done it on the quiet, but OP/ older DD would have found out later anyway. It was handled very badly.

@LucyMonth I agree as a step child I don’t see the issues. My siblings extended family are his not mine. There where always polite and I got a birthday and Christmas gift but he got trips and such and it was a complete non issue.

My mother did not try and force them to be my grandparents and she did not raise me with the expectation or entitlement to expect them to be something they are not to me.