Mil and step-grandchild

[SpanishFork]

My eldest daughter is nine and does not see her father or any members of his family. This is their choice.

I do not expect my in-laws in any way to make up for this but to treat her kindly and respectfully and the same as any other children when they are all present.

She has a condition which is not life threatening but is on occasion painful. Around 80% of children do not go on to suffer with this as adults. We have to go to hospital every three to six months so I have to take time off and an appointment with travel and waiting around takes most of the day.

I was absolutely delighted when an appointment came through on a Saturday. My husband was going to a game so rather than drag my five year old along she was left with my mother-in-law.

Well on Saturday everything went our way and we were in and out of the hospital in just under an hour.

We arrived at in-laws who were completely shocked that we were so early. They were having a full on party lunch with all of their actual grandchildren including a 20 year old who had come down from Durham for the occasion. They had had a photo session the lot.

I was eventually offered a tea and my eldest daughter stood by my youngest at the table. She was offered nothing. I took both of them home. They begged me to leave youngest so she could spend time with her cousins. Youngest started crying.

DH who was with his brother, cousin and friend was going to collect daughter after the match but I thought as I was so unexpectedly early I would do it and he could go for a drink.

God that’s long. Sorry!

The in-laws did this deliberately thinking my eldest would be out of the picture. I am absolutely upset. DH can’t see what my problem is.

Agree with pp. they are rude and horrible to arrange a party whilst your other child is at the hospital.
nasty people.

This dilemma rears its head often on here.

The long and short of it is, this isn’t their blood relative this is just a random child that has been bought into their lives not of their choice.

Its completely natural that they don’t feel the same towards her as their own blood relative grandchild(ren) and as long as they’re polite when they see her you shouldn’t be trying to force an unnatural relationship.

Why do people on threads like this always assume that a step child wants to be part of a step family with people they aren’t related to? IME, they don’t. I wouldn’t have been hurt that my step father’s extended family were having a get together without me when I was a step child because they were his family, not mine.

This isn’t a situation that needed to be turned into a drama. If OP hadn’t turned up early, there wouldn’t have been an issue. It would be a shame for everyone involved, especially the youngest child, if this can’t be left to blow over as quickly as possible.

Fuck me, that’s bloody mean of them.

Your eldest daughter may have been away all day but what happens when your youngest comes home? Is she supposed to keep the party a secret?

I’m a step parent and there’s no way on earth I’d treat my gorgeous grandkids differently. Honestly, your DH needs to step up here and explain to his parents that they should be treating them the same whilst they’re still all children.

Can’t believe this. Ok they had bio grandkids together and a photo and yes your dd would be upset which you @SometimesCalmPerson serm to find acceptable. It’s not just the op upset

as to the op changing her plans should she have said to the hospital please don’t be so quick?

Did you miss the bit where the grand parents eventually offered op a tea but her eldest absolutely nothing? Why is that acceptable? To leave a child standing there.

Op did the right thing taking both children otherwise the youngest is going to grow up to believe that it’s acceptable for her fathers family to be rude to her sister, it’s not

it always amazes me on MN. All these posts saying if you are a stepmom you should treat all kids the same, look at the bashing the thread about someone winning a holiday and not wanting to take SC is getting. Why doesn’t the same apply to step grandkids?

@SpanishFork i would be sitting DH down and ask why he thinks it’s acceptable his parents treat a child as they did today and would he be happy if his bio daughter was treated the same way? I would also be asking if he actually cared about your oldest and the response will decide a way forward.

Even random dc deserve some thought and manners if in your home.

Dc's mates are random dc who visit. Would anyone be that rude to someone who mattered to your dc?
Inhuman cunt if you could...
Imo

But they weren’t polite. They deliberately left the child out and didn’t even offer her a drink when they offered OP one.

And although it may be ‘completely natural’ that they don’t feel the same as their own blood relatives, it doesn’t mean they can’t act like mature adults and make the child feel included. That child is their blood grandchild’s sibling and is part of their son’s family. I think it’s utter bollocks when people make excuses for grown adults who essentially punish kids for having different blood. It’s really not that hard.

I’m so glad my step grandparents weren’t like these. Nor the step grandparents to my son. My husband’s family have treated him the same since as their biological grandkids since we got together. He calls them nana and grandad (his choice, not forced). He carried FIL’s coffin with his other grandchildren at his funeral. If I ever had step grandchildren I would treat them no differently from how I would if they were blood related. It’s a privilege to be in a child’s life and whatever I could do to make that a happier time, why wouldn’t I? I reallly, really, don’t get why people choose differently.

I don’t get not offering the child a drink and something to eat. It’s just decent manners surely? There will be differences for the girls as they have different fathers but it’s a glass of cordial and a slice of cake not a donated kidney. There has been a few threads recently- and some basic hospitality wouldn’t go a miss.

@Vaxtable
Did you miss the bit where the grand parents eventually offered op a tea but her eldest absolutely nothing? Why is that acceptable? To leave a child standing there.

i agree with you that that’s rude and unkind, but i can also see that the in laws will have a different perspective on this and they didn’t wake up that day intending anyone to be upset. That only happened because OP showed up early without letting them know, which is also rude.

it always amazes me on MN. All these posts saying if you are a stepmom you should treat all kids the same, look at the bashing the thread about someone winning a holiday and not wanting to take SC is getting. Why doesn’t the same apply to step grandkids?

Step mothers and fathers are making a conscious and deliberate choice to become a step parent, for their own benefit. Step grandparents (and step children) have it forced upon them whether they like it or not.

@HÆLTHEPAIN it's all really weird tbh.

OP said it took a long time for her to be offered a drink, too.

However, she left DD with GP who clearly thought she's be there for the day. So she kind of interrupted their plans and then seemingly hung around and expected to join in?

Also, why would OP leave her DD standing around feeling awkward?

They could be totally arseholes but I'm not totally clear what happened here.

Bit weird they didn't just make room and give your dd a plate.

How early were you for pick up? Did dh know this was the plan?

So kids that were at lunch were those of dh brothers and cousin?

Not sure why you changed plans op. Dh was picking dc up after the match. I would have spent some one on one time with eldest

But they weren't polite were they? They offered OP a drink but completely ignored their grandaughter's sibling and didn't even offer her a drink. Of course they don't feel the same towards her as their own grandchild but a few manners wouldn't go amiss.

OP changed plans because the hospital appointment was much quicker than she expected. She had asked her in-laws to look after her younger daughter while she took her eldest for her appointment and had no idea that they had any plans. Why on earth wouldn't she go and pick her daughter up as soon as the hospital appointment finished?

I was a step-grandchild and was treated the same, no one ever stood up for me. I now have the immense honour and privilege of being a step-grandparent. I adore and treat all my grandchildren equally. Please please protect your precious daughter.

As it's the Mother's bio child, the extended family have to treat them equally. When it's the father's child, according to MN, the step mum has no responsibility towards them and her Mother certainly doesn't. It's wrong to distance a child from blood relatives because they don't treat a step child exactly the same. This should all be talked through and decisions made before going on to have a baby. It's unclear if thus was the children of the cousin that the DH was out with and if MIL was babysitting and how/why the cousin came up from Durham.

Not sure why you changed plans op. Dh was picking dc up after the match. I would have spent some one on one time with eldest

Because her in-laws were doing them a favour. Maybe she didn't want it to seem like she'd taken the piss, left them babysitting for much longer than necessary, and gone out. It's not like she knew they'd arranged anything special.

How on earth was OP rude by coming to pick up her daughter once the hosptial appointment had finished? She didn't know that she was interrupting anything as she had been kept completely in the dark about the party.

In addition to my younger daughter there are 7 other grandchildren ranging from 23 to 8.

I have a very, very vague memory of being with my elder daughter’s grandmother at a wedding when she said that a nephew’s daughter had a condition, My elder daughter’s condition has an hereditary element in some cases. When we were seen by a consultant the specialist used the term half-sibling and I obviously spoke about her father’s side. My daughter was deeply embarrassed by this specialist finding out that she didn’t know her father

The eldest three grandchildren have one step sibling and two half siblings in their mother’s side and two half siblings on their dad’s side. I obviously only know their dad’s children but they seem very affectionate with each other but they refer to each other as half siblings and ask my younger one about her half-sister. This upsets me but I accept they don’t mean anything by it.

I don’t want to be judged by this but they would have normally offered generous hospitality but I think they were in a state of shock when we rocked up and I was so shocked I didn’t intervene my elder daughter’s behalf. My younger daughter says that her 17 year old cousin did offer my elder daughter a slice of pizza but my elder can’t remember.

They had six weeks notice of this appointment and deliberately arranged this asking eldest granddaughter to come from uni for it.

Sorry, my husband uncomplainingly would have collected our daughter but I thought it would be nice for him to go out after the match with the others. He wasn’t desperate for a drink.

They threw this party without telling you, so you brought your DD into a party you and she knew nothing about. You then dragged your 5 yr old away from a party she was having a lovely time at. They had expected you to drop your 5 year old and for your DH to pick her up significantly later. They could have reacted much better to your DD when you did turn up but they were probably a bit shocked and embarrassed and a bit pissed off at you.

The question is - why would they have had this party without telling you? And your comment at the end of your OP may be a bit telling.

The in-laws did this deliberately thinking my eldest would be out of the picture. I am absolutely upset.

What would you have said if they'd been open that, since your DD would not be there, they were going to have a party with all their grandchildren? Because it does seem like an ideal time for them to have the party. Why are you upset that they would have this party when your DD is out of the picture? Do they get any other time with just your 5 year old that their other GC could be at? Or is your DD always there during weekends and holidays?

So yes, their behaviour towards you DD while she was there was very poor. I'm just wondering if things came to a head they they did because you have not allowed them to celebrate their own grandchildren together without your DD being included (which would be fairly unreasonable of you) and their poor reaction was down to being caught in the middle of trying to surreptitiously do something that's really normal.

Appreciate this may be completely off-base being based on one line in your OP, but if it is the case that you would object to your 5 year old being asked without your DD, I think you might want to think a bit about what you are really expecting from them and how that impacts their relationship with you and both your DC.

If they could easily have had this party without the secrecy then their annoyance is very misplaced and it makes their treatment of your DD even worse.

(edited for clarity and what errors I could spot!)

I stayed at my step gps home as a dc... I remember morning cuddles and chats. Dgf in his long John's!! Dgm making us breakfast in bed!!

Very sad but pretty standard for in laws in this country. Most don’t even like their own flesh and blood!

Not including your eldest in the general get together is fine, imo. Not offering her a drink/a plate when you arrived is however, weird and rude.

Quite honestly I think your in-laws sound horrible people. They won't even offer a drink to a little child, they'd rather ignore her. A very good job your 9 year old has you to stand up for her OP. Don't let them exclude and bully her. I hope your DH supports you.