Page 5 | Mil and step-grandchild

SpanishFork · 2025-03-12T17:25:34+00:00

My eldest daughter is nine and does not see her father or any members of his family. This is their choice. I do not expect my in-laws in any way to make up for this but to treat her kindly and respectfully and the same as any other children when they are all present. She has a condition which is not life threatening but is on occasion painful. Around 80% of children do not go on to suffer with this as adults. We have to go to hospital every three to six months so I have to take time off and an appointment with travel and waiting around takes most of the day. I was absolutely delighted when an appointment came through on a Saturday. My husband was going to a game so rather than drag my five year old along she was left with my mother-in-law. Well on Saturday everything went our way and we were in and out of the hospital in just under an hour. We arrived at in-laws who were completely shocked that we were so early. They were having a full on party lunch with all of their actual grandchildren including a 20 year old who had come down from Durham for the occasion. They had had a photo session the lot. I was eventually offered a tea and my eldest daughter stood by my youngest at the table. She was offered nothing. I took both of them home. They begged me to leave youngest so she could spend time with her cousins. Youngest started crying. DH who was with his brother, cousin and friend was going to collect daughter after the match but I thought as I was so unexpectedly early I would do it and he could go for a drink. God that’s long. Sorry! The in-laws did this deliberately thinking my eldest would be out of the picture. I am absolutely upset. DH can’t see what my problem is.

YipYapYop · 12/03/2025 20:12

DaisyChain505 · 12/03/2025 19:25

So if you look at the situation from their perspective, you asked them to look after their granddaughter for the day so they took the opportunity to gather all of their other grandchildren for a family get together.

You then turned up after an hour asking to take your daughter and they were shocked.

You say your eldest daughter wasn’t offered anything but was it a buffet/help yourself/casual type of thing and they expected her to help herself or each assumed someone else or you would sort her.

This is what I was wondering.

If they're usually welcoming I'd take it as this.

Ignore the idiots on the thread saying you should keep your DD away from her grandparents because they did something nice for her.

HÆLTHEPAIN · 12/03/2025 20:23

LucyMonth · 12/03/2025 20:08

People who are flabbergasted that anyone would find this ok…do you notice a pattern that it’s people who have been step children themselves who don’t see an issue here?

I grew up as a step child. I don’t think this is “devastating” at all. Yes they should have offered your eldest a drink and some food, but by your own admission they usually would but were caught off guard.

It sounds like there are a tonne of half siblings and step siblings in this family so if your eldest should have been invited in your mind then so should all of the half and step siblings.

The truth is if you and your DH divorce then the GPs have no connection whatsoever to your eldest DD. You might think that will never happen but it sounds like most of the GPs children have had divorces at some point already so would it be surprising if it happened again? Your DD is treated differently because she is different. That’s the facts of blended families. My step grandparents were kind to me as a child but I am not their grandchild and I don’t have a relationship with them as an adult, but my sister, their actual grandchild does. She’s inherited from them etc. I don’t see any of that as unfair in any way whatsoever. I never have. I put that largely down to my Mum not making a big song and dance about things like this when I was a child.

Edited

That’s your one perspective though. I was/am a stepchild and a step grandchild and I wouldn’t dream of treating any step grandchildren I had any differerently. I see an issue.

I inherited from my step grandma. My son is also included in my parents in law’s will when he is their step grandchild.

I get that you can’t make everyone feel the same about non blood relations as they do about blood ones, but as adults you can expect them to at least not let it show.

Of all of the step children/grandchildren I know, including those who are friends as opposed to relatives, I honestly don’t know of any who have been treated differently.

Even my cousin, whose bio dad was a waster and didn’t bother with her, still saw her paternal grandma regularly. Then when her sister came along from my aunty’s next relationship, the bio grandma even treated her like her own when my aunty, her husband and younger cousin were nothing to do with her. Same as the other way round. The younger cousin’s grandma accepted the elder one and has also treated her no differently.

It’s a choice how we treat others, especially kids.

Onlyonekenobe · 12/03/2025 20:33

Nobody has done anything wrong here EXCEPT for your in laws in not offering your eldest so much as a drink; and you for not having prepared your eldest for life in a 'blended' family and not being on the same page as your DH.

You feel your in laws have been sly and gone behind your back. They haven't. They have organised their family life to around you. It would be great for your eldest to have step-grandparents who see her as one of their own. Sadly, this is not what you've chosen for her.

Bailamosse · 12/03/2025 20:37

bowchicawowwow · 12/03/2025 20:07

I think it's pretty sneaky of the in-laws to have done this. As an adult you understand all the nuances of blended families but the children don't and they shouldn't be made to feel inferior.

These situations always seem to be magnified when the eldest DC has no relationship with their father and his side.

Munnygirl · 12/03/2025 20:42

0ohLarLar · 12/03/2025 19:38

Is it really so bad that the grandparents wanted a little tea party for all their grandchildren? It’s sad your older child has no relationship with her dad but she isn’t related to them, as long as they’re kind to her, which it sounds like they are, that’s fine. I don’t think they should be made to feel bad for having an afternoon with all their grandchildren.

This. They don't regard your DD as a grandchild & they don't have to.

They snuck around because you gave them no choice. If they'd explained to you that they were taking the opportunity to have a get together with their grandchildren, you would have withdrawn your other child.

You can't force other people to be the neat nuclear family you'd like your older daughter to have. The missing person/people are her own father & his relatives.

It is it really that hard to include another a child, one that lives with their other grandchild and is their daughter in laws child? It’s not some random child that doesn’t really see their family. This child is going to be around for a very long time. It’s spiteful and dare I say stupid as it’s causers a ripple effect of problems

Munnygirl · 12/03/2025 20:43

HÆLTHEPAIN · 12/03/2025 20:23

That’s your one perspective though. I was/am a stepchild and a step grandchild and I wouldn’t dream of treating any step grandchildren I had any differerently. I see an issue.

I inherited from my step grandma. My son is also included in my parents in law’s will when he is their step grandchild.

I get that you can’t make everyone feel the same about non blood relations as they do about blood ones, but as adults you can expect them to at least not let it show.

Of all of the step children/grandchildren I know, including those who are friends as opposed to relatives, I honestly don’t know of any who have been treated differently.

Even my cousin, whose bio dad was a waster and didn’t bother with her, still saw her paternal grandma regularly. Then when her sister came along from my aunty’s next relationship, the bio grandma even treated her like her own when my aunty, her husband and younger cousin were nothing to do with her. Same as the other way round. The younger cousin’s grandma accepted the elder one and has also treated her no differently.

It’s a choice how we treat others, especially kids.

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I love this so much

MBL · 12/03/2025 20:53

Pigeonqueen · 12/03/2025 18:05

That’s horrible of them. Really annoys me when grandparents treat step dgc like this. They are children, you treat them all the same.

My ex mil and fil consider my Ds from my subsequent relationship as their grandchild, the same as dd. (I separated from dds dad when she was a baby, she’s now 21 and I have Ds with my dh now, he’s 13). I realise how unusual this but they absolutely adore him and always get him birthday and Christmas presents as they never wanted him to feel left out when they got dd things. They’re just decent people. That’s what you do.

They are decent people. That's lovely.

FuckityFux · 12/03/2025 20:53

@SometimesCalmPerson

Step mothers and fathers are making a conscious and deliberate choice to become a step parent, for their own benefit. Step grandparents (and step children) have it forced upon them whether they like it or not.

Grandparents don’t have any choice who their adult children marry so you could just as easily argue that they didn’t get to choose who any of their grandchildren are. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Where do you draw the line? Is it always ok to treat some children differently just because they are male or are the first grandchild or they have disabilities so let’s pretend they don’t exist etc.

0ohLarLar · 12/03/2025 21:05

Grandparents don’t have any choice who their adult children marry so you could just as easily argue that they didn’t get to choose who any of their grandchildren are.

Rubbish. They are their own children's blood offspring, regardless. The same is not true of step children. Those are simply not related.

UndermyShoeJoe · 12/03/2025 21:07

FuckityFux · 12/03/2025 20:53

@SometimesCalmPerson

Step mothers and fathers are making a conscious and deliberate choice to become a step parent, for their own benefit. Step grandparents (and step children) have it forced upon them whether they like it or not.

Grandparents don’t have any choice who their adult children marry so you could just as easily argue that they didn’t get to choose who any of their grandchildren are. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Where do you draw the line? Is it always ok to treat some children differently just because they are male or are the first grandchild or they have disabilities so let’s pretend they don’t exist etc.

Draw the line at step children because they can be here today gone tomorrow all because of a relationship failure. Where as a biological grandchild or adopted your own child still has a legal responsibility to so you’ll still see them.

The fact so many divorces happen and as in fact having a blended family proves relationship break down even with children best not to get too over invested.

Burnserns · 12/03/2025 21:15

God threads like this make me realise how blooming amazing my (step) grandparents were. Never once was I treat as less than their bio grandkids. Wonderful people, unlike your in-laws.

PleaseDontFingerMyPouffe · 12/03/2025 21:16

Edited because I think I misunderstood the situation.

If I'm right in now understanding the inlaws you left your daughter out are her step family then yes that's dreadful - she's 9

SometimesCalmPerson · 12/03/2025 21:16

bowchicawowwow · 12/03/2025 20:07

I think it's pretty sneaky of the in-laws to have done this. As an adult you understand all the nuances of blended families but the children don't and they shouldn't be made to feel inferior.

It wasn’t sneaky at all, these people had no idea they were going to see their step granddaughter and daughter in law that day.

They were told by the OP and her DH that their son would be dropping off their granddaughter and then he would be collecting her after the sports thing he was at.

HÆLTHEPAIN · 12/03/2025 21:19

UndermyShoeJoe · 12/03/2025 21:07

Draw the line at step children because they can be here today gone tomorrow all because of a relationship failure. Where as a biological grandchild or adopted your own child still has a legal responsibility to so you’ll still see them.

The fact so many divorces happen and as in fact having a blended family proves relationship break down even with children best not to get too over invested.

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Bollocks!

So, would you say that of adults as well? Like if a couple get married should they not be invested as part of each other’s families, in case they get divorced down the line?

Yes, there is always the chance that people might split up etc, but that doesn’t excuse making things difficult and awkward for a child while they happen to be in your life.

UndermyShoeJoe · 12/03/2025 21:22

HÆLTHEPAIN · 12/03/2025 21:19

Bollocks!

So, would you say that of adults as well? Like if a couple get married should they not be invested as part of each other’s families, in case they get divorced down the line?

Yes, there is always the chance that people might split up etc, but that doesn’t excuse making things difficult and awkward for a child while they happen to be in your life.

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An adult to adult relationship is different to an adult and child.

If I split from my husband and kept in contact with his aunt that’s between me and her. I can’t keep in contact with someone else’s minor children against their parents wishes.

which would very much happen even if to start with was allowed once a new partner came along and now I would be a reminder of the ex.

HÆLTHEPAIN · 12/03/2025 21:25

UndermyShoeJoe · 12/03/2025 21:22

An adult to adult relationship is different to an adult and child.

If I split from my husband and kept in contact with his aunt that’s between me and her. I can’t keep in contact with someone else’s minor children against their parents wishes.

which would very much happen even if to start with was allowed once a new partner came along and now I would be a reminder of the ex.

Edited

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Which is why I said:

Yes, there is always the chance that people might split up etc, but that doesn’t excuse making things difficult and awkward for a child while they happen to be in your life.

UndermyShoeJoe · 12/03/2025 21:29

HÆLTHEPAIN · 12/03/2025 21:25

Which is why I said:

Yes, there is always the chance that people might split up etc, but that doesn’t excuse making things difficult and awkward for a child while they happen to be in your life.

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It’s not awkward though is it.

If the op hadn’t gone to pick up the youngest when she shouldn’t of been she wouldn’t of put her older child in the situation of walking into a party that was arranged in a time the grandparents where babysitter their grandchild.

The op was offered a drink. Her older daughter was offered food. She’s taking out her anger on the wrong people. Her daughter’s biological family are arseholes but that doesn’t make other people responsible.

As long as her dh’s family are polite, recognise her birthday and at Christmas they are treating her with kindness. But she is not their grandchild and op should be managing her expectations of them.

ArtTheClown · 12/03/2025 21:29

I really feel for your younger daughter in this, it must really hard for her if she's having to learn she's not allowed to have or enjoy time with her dads family without feeling bad about it.

Yes it's incredibly shit of OPs inlaws to put a very small child in that position.

Whaleandsnail6 · 12/03/2025 21:31

UndermyShoeJoe · 12/03/2025 21:07

Draw the line at step children because they can be here today gone tomorrow all because of a relationship failure. Where as a biological grandchild or adopted your own child still has a legal responsibility to so you’ll still see them.

The fact so many divorces happen and as in fact having a blended family proves relationship break down even with children best not to get too over invested.

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I think thats a really sad stance to take.

I'd rather enjoy having the child in my life, in the here and now than worry that their parents relationship may break down and prevent myself from including them and building a relationship.

If my sibling and their partner break up down the line, then yes, sadly I may no longer be a part of my step niece or nephews life but I'd rather them feel included and bonded with us as a family than draw the line at having a relationship with them just in case.

UndermyShoeJoe · 12/03/2025 21:32

Let’s face it honestly.

Here’s another failing blended family because expectations and reality don’t match.

The youngest should be able to enjoy her family she shouldn’t be stopped from seeing or spending time with them because ops
other child’s family is shit.

HÆLTHEPAIN · 12/03/2025 21:34

UndermyShoeJoe · 12/03/2025 21:29

It’s not awkward though is it.

If the op hadn’t gone to pick up the youngest when she shouldn’t of been she wouldn’t of put her older child in the situation of walking into a party that was arranged in a time the grandparents where babysitter their grandchild.

The op was offered a drink. Her older daughter was offered food. She’s taking out her anger on the wrong people. Her daughter’s biological family are arseholes but that doesn’t make other people responsible.

As long as her dh’s family are polite, recognise her birthday and at Christmas they are treating her with kindness. But she is not their grandchild and op should be managing her expectations of them.

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There was no set time for her to be picked up and it wasn’t a case of OP shouldn’t have picked her up then either. You’re making it sound like OP was in the wrong for picking her up early, when that’s not the case at all.

The older child may have been offered food, but it wasn’t by the MIL when she offered OP a drink.

Oopsps · 12/03/2025 21:34

I’m sorry while this is upsetting for you and I totally get it - I think due to your emotions you are making it worse by highlighting the divide. Your youngest is 5 …. the only reason she told you “that her 17 year old cousin did offer my elder daughter a slice of pizza but my elder can’t remember” is because you brought this up in front of both kids - which would have made them both - especially your eldest - feel like shit.

UndermyShoeJoe · 12/03/2025 21:34

HÆLTHEPAIN · 12/03/2025 21:34

There was no set time for her to be picked up and it wasn’t a case of OP shouldn’t have picked her up then either. You’re making it sound like OP was in the wrong for picking her up early, when that’s not the case at all.

The older child may have been offered food, but it wasn’t by the MIL when she offered OP a drink.

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The dh was meant to be picking her up after the football so there was a time.

Tourmalines · 12/03/2025 21:35

UndermyShoeJoe · 12/03/2025 21:32

Let’s face it honestly.

Here’s another failing blended family because expectations and reality don’t match.

The youngest should be able to enjoy her family she shouldn’t be stopped from seeing or spending time with them because ops
other child’s family is shit.

Yep .

HÆLTHEPAIN · 12/03/2025 21:36

Whaleandsnail6 · 12/03/2025 21:31

I think thats a really sad stance to take.

I'd rather enjoy having the child in my life, in the here and now than worry that their parents relationship may break down and prevent myself from including them and building a relationship.

If my sibling and their partner break up down the line, then yes, sadly I may no longer be a part of my step niece or nephews life but I'd rather them feel included and bonded with us as a family than draw the line at having a relationship with them just in case.

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Exactly this. Even if you don’t see the child/ren again for whatever reason, at least you can say that while they were in your life you did your very best to make them feel included and wanted.