AIBU - Friend has 'stolen' party idea

[Homer28]

Hi,
As a family we often go to an adventure centre/party place around 75 mins drive from our home town so not local and never been invited to a party there before. Last year we did a party there at the centres waterpark for my daughters 10th birthday.

This same venue, which throws excellent parties and has lots of party options from bowling to waterpark etc and also has an aerial assault course but it has an age/height limit. My daughter has said for a couple of years that when everyone is 10/11+ she will do a party there as its cool/scary.

This year in December (party isn't until June) she asked if she could have her party there in June. Her dad was concerned that in theory its a brilliant day out but that people may be afraid of the heights/parents may be hesitant and it could not be as exciting as shes thinks.
I text another parent of two of her friends for a second opinion and she thought it was a cool idea (wasn't aware this existed) and her kids would love to go!.

Cue this month when she tells me she is booking this for her daughters party in April. I gently suggested that the two girls having the same party might be an issue as its important at 10 to have the 'cool' party and they like to put an individual stamp on it and the parties will only be 8 weeks apart. She disagrees and thinks a party venue is open to all kids who wish to have their parties there.

I was pre empting the upset from my 10 year old who laments that shell be chastised by the class for 'copying' the first birthday girl and it takes the shine off her idea which has been brewing for a while.

AIBU to be annoyed?

YABU - You don't own a party idea!
YANBU - Its not cool to hear an idea from a friend and pip them to the post on it.

10 yo want a cool party? Since when?

This thread is weird.

If OP sent a friend a link to, say, a nice dress she was thinking of buying and asking if friend thought it would suit the OP and the friend came back saying “thanks for showing me this, I love it and just bought it for myself” we’d all be saying that the friend is BU and a total twat.

I don’t understand why this is different???

YANBU

Because one is about getting adoration from all the other kids for an experience and clearly one up manship and the other is about a dress. It's about performance and keeping up appearances and the parent wanting the feedback not just from her child but others. It's the whole pushing of the 'cool thing'. It's the desire to be the cool parent. It's taking it to the next level beyond just 'things'.

Sorry none of this is true.
My DD thinks this activity is ‘cool’ and ‘unique’ and wants to introduce it to her friends - she is 10.
I am upset that she is upset.
I am hurt that my friend a) did this and b) didn’t even engage in my concern about it ie didn’t care about me or DD feelings at all even if they are unreasonable.

I am not sure I agree. I think OPs concern is that her daughter wanted a specific party and now if she has that party she will be accused of copying when actually it is the other mum who has copied and behaved badly.

I think it is that her daughter is now in a position where she either doesn’t have the party she wants or if she does she will be accused of copying. That doesn’t seem very fair to me.

I'm sure if you issued party invitations to the same venue but 2 weeks before your friend's chosen date, she would feel very put out. Which just goes to show that you do indeed have a point. After all, if this was a more typical party venue for this age group no one would bat an eyelid.

This wouldn’t bother me. When my DDs were at primary school, all the birthday parties were held at a few soft play centres, or at the parish hall. They all enjoyed the parties and didn’t mind about other children having the same party as them.

If your DD is disappointed, that’s a shame, but it doesn’t mean that she should be encouraged to feel that way. Because if she makes a fuss about it in school, she will end up looking silly rather than ‘cool’.

Realistically, with her birthday being in June, it was always going to be unlikely that she would be the first to have this ‘cool party’, with the centre having been booked for a party last year and the girls enjoying themselves there.

Maybe the friend was a bit underhand, and YANBU to be a bit upset, but she might have thought of the place anyway, as she already knew about it from the previous year.

And this view probably accounts for the majority of the 73% - the rest are probably still in their confused little worlds of not understanding the facts presented by OP and nothing can convince them they’ve got it wrong.

The point to these YABU voters is they have decided to take the view OP is all about cool points, as is her daughter, and this is less forgivable than a friend’s backstabbing. It’s clear this isn’t true but I think some lazy reading has led ppl to the view that OP is pissed off she doesn’t get to be the cool mum with the adventurous/expensive party idea for her DD and someone pissing on her parade is the least she deserves for her audacity.

Others will be sticking to their guns bc there’s safety in numbers. They wouldn’t think to do a party like that so fuck OP for wanting to in the first place.

I’ve posted several times bc I’d be just as upset as OP and the pile on at her reaction is bizarre and mainly down to ppl wanting to punish her for their stupidity or own sad reasons.

I can assure the PP who mentioned the divided groups there is absolutely no ‘snug’ness involved.

No one cares. No one. You invite my child to a party, they’re free, they come. No one cares what the activity is or what the food is or what’s in the party bag or how much the cake cost or any of that bullshit. The best parties I’ve put on are the ones I’ve put the least effort into/ spent the least money on as I cared less too. You need to not care about this, life is far too short.

Yes.
Maybe an update should have been posted early days that if my DD had approached me about having a ‘barbie’ party in the house where they play with barbies and did I think her and her friends were too young for it and I asked my friends opinion only for her to have a barbie party in April..

I would have all the same feelings as would DD.

If your child had such strong feelings, perhaps you ought to have moved the plans along then? Months passed and you haven't so much as booked. Don't promise your kid things you have made no effort to deliver.

I know it’s my fault and I feel awful about disappointing my DD.

I would rather be hyper and oversensitive than the nasty piece of work you are so the thread has helped in that regard.

Thanks 😃

Lol. I'm the oversensitive one? I'm not the one sulking about a children's birthday party.

Quite!

And it's not your fault. It's your husband's! If he hadn't been worried then you wouldn't have reached out to your friend for her thoughts...

😉

I said I would rather be oversensitive THAN nasty.

Youre not sulking about a childrens party, or motivated by your child’s hurt.
You are motivated to go on and on and on via a chat forum to make someone feel bad because…

hence nasty piece of work.

Were talking about basic reading skills here.

If someone posted a thread saying 'I know my friend has planned a very specific event for her daughter, she wven asked my opinion on it - but now I want to steal the idea for my daughter, even though it's all the same invitees'

Posters would say don't be so rude and do something different - or risk upsetting the daughter and the friend.

OP, you posted here to see what people think. Those that agree with you are being lauded as keeping you sane. Those that disagree are nasty and twisting facts. The truth is you are over involved in playground politics and should try to gain some perspective. It's a 10 year olds birthday party. In the grand scheme of things, is it really worth all the drama?

There have been a number of people who have disagreed with me that I have engaged with an had no issue with. Example being @SouthLondonMum22 who has been fair.

I’ve on several occasions thanked the people who have disagreed giving some perspective on how to move forward.

This does not mean I have to ignore every idiot or nasty piece of work on the thread.
Is it only the subsequent posters who are allowed to insult others and myself? No replies allowed?

Hi OP. Glad you’re still on this thread as I’m a bit late to the party. sorry for the pun! For me, this falls into the category of things that in public you’re not supposed to be annoyed about but when we’re honest we actually are.
I was recently making small talk with the School gate mums and someone asked about our summer holiday plans. I told them about what we had booked and have now found out that one mum has booked exactly the same thing for the same week that we are there. They are looking forward to hanging out with us. We are a bit disappointed and we’re looking forward to relaxing and not making small talk with someone I don’t know that well.
If I was to post this on AIBU people would say you don’t own the hotel, you shouldn’t have told them your plans, you can’t dictate other people do. A text from her saying I hope you don’t mind would have gone a long way and I think the same thing would be true for you. Instead we nod and smile. I’d be tempted to tell your friend that DD is a bit disappointed. That’s just a fact and not about you or your feelings on it. Her reaction may help you decide how you feel about friendship going forward.

You’re absolutely right. Which confirms my belief that this is inverted snobbery at play. Which is not your problem!

The women on here, most I presume are mothers seem so hypocritical going on the general tone of Mumsnet. If this was any other thing it would all be about protecting your DC’s feelings and calling the friend all the names under the sun etc. DC’s come first, toxic friendships etc… Ditch the bitch! But it’s been swung right round to saying it’s ONLY a child’s birthday party and you should both get over it - wtf?! It’s double digits, which isn’t big to some, but is massive to others, particularly the child. She’s been looking forward to this and planning for months, making sure everyone’s old enough to join in - there’s been a lot of thought gone into it and you’re rightly upset on her behalf and the behaviour of someone you trusted, who has caused all this upset by being a lazy, inconsiderate wanker.

I think in your shoes I'd go there before the party for a day out with maybe 2 to 3 friends of DDs and perhaps add in some other activities to the day so they all have a fabulous time and DD gets to enjoy sharing a full and varied day of fun with her friends in a place she visits a lot. Then they all have the party to look forward to in April :) I'd remind her not to be overly showoffy and proprietorial about it though as even 10 yr olds will find that off putting. It's not a birthday party but will be just as fun.

Excellent suggestion.
Give her 3 friends to bring for a special playdate and go the first chance you get.

Not a word to her!

I know of a similar thing that happened years ago and the mum was very pissed off and told her so. She said her husband and her were looking forward to family time and had zero interest in hanging out with anyone.

She actually moved to a sister hotel and told the other mothers, like me.
I understood completely as did the others.

On holidays I don't want to see anyone I know.
Life with 4 children and sports, parties, activities is relentless.

@Homer28 I think this thread shows why the world has gone to shit.
The stark lack of empathy and "I can do what the fuck I like if it makes MY child happy, screw yours". Breathtaking. I really can't understand how so many posters can't see it. I'm alright Jack economy.
I wholly agree with you that this is just fucking out of order. I've met all those other mums at the school gates and they can go F themselves.
I'd absolutely be dropping this friendship as it is absolutely dead. Zero moral awareness from her.
(Also "Christopher Columbus" is 🐝🎖️)

The other mum is being a bitch OP I’m afraid. I would be annoyed at her potentially taking the shine off your daughter’s party.
DD will still have a great time if that’s what she wants to do . I would NEVER confide anything to her again.