AIBU to not want to take SC on this holiday?

[MeanOrJustified]

I’ve won an all-inclusive beach holiday for two adults and two children. DH and I have a toddler and he has a DD, 12 and two DS, 8 and 11. Nice kids but the older two fight a lot and the youngest is quite demanding and prone to wanting his own way, and sulking when he doesn’t get it. They are active and will hate a beach holiday and it’s generally not very relaxing to be around them.

We haven’t been on a foreign holiday since before our toddler was born. Used to do lots, always with SC, but DH was made redundant when I was pregnant and is now in a lower paid role and we can only afford UK breaks until either one of us gets a better job or our child is in school. If we hadn’t won it, we wouldn’t be going on a foreign holiday. We had plans for ten days’ camping with SC which we’ll still do.

DH thinks we should ask to pay to extend the holiday to a larger family room so SC can come, and put the two extra flights on a credit card. I don’t want to. AIBU?

Er, l think you’ll find that in the long run OP will come off worst. She’s working 60 hours a week to finance absolutely everything. Her DH is drowning in debt and is only working just enough to pay child maintenance to his ex. He isn’t arsed enough to recognise she needs a break, and is insisting that she go into debt to finance her SC to go on the holiday she won. So instead of a restful holiday unwinding with just her DH and DD, she spends it wrangling three badly behaved teens. Of course it bloody matters who’s to blame - not least when OP succumbs to the inevitable breakdown. But hey. She’s a stepmum, so that makes it all OK.

Is changing a prize from a competition even a thing?

You married a man with children.

Those children became part of your family unit. Children, step children, siblings. If you have no further children these siblings might be your dd's only direct family and support network in the far future when you are gone.

You don't leave some of your family's children out of holidays unless you want to encourage division, resentment and detachment.

It is you and your dhs jobs to proactively take every opportunity to build what hopefully will become very special life long connections.

Why did you ask the question if you've already decided that there's no way the step children are coming and are hitting back at people who say you're being unreasonable?

Do you no these children personally

I voted YABU initially, but having RTFT I’d suggest you go on your own with your toddler and have a lovely rest, and then when you return you could move back into your flat and file for divorce. Leave the entitled brats (the exDH and his ex) to sort things out for themselves. You’ve tried, and now you’re done.

The poor woman needs a break!
Her emotionally deaf husband can't see that she has been pushed and pushed and pushed, and that working all the hours that god gives to support him and his original 3 children (with no input from him - he's depressed) has worn her to a husk.
If he had any gumption he would see how physically and mentally exhausted she is. He is forcing her, by his inaction, to save herself the only way she can see and get out.

He's cutting off his nose to spite his face.
I think she should go on the holiday, on her own with DD, and don't leave him any pocket money.

And the biggest ‘excuse’ is that OP is expected to finance the extra three kids on her credit card, because her DH is already in too much debt to afford it. She’s already said that if she hadn’t won the holiday they wouldn’t be having it. The SC are not the only consideration here. The financial burden on OP is massive and she’s working 60 hours a week to meet it. Why isn’t she entitled to enjoy a holiday that she won, and get some much needed rest, instead of being expected to go into debt and wrangle three badly behaved children the whole time ?

The one chance you had to respond to what I wrote and you wasted it by asking if I know the children personally? Of course I don't know them. Seriously, please, if you really need to get at what I wrote, please I beg you write something worthwhile like maybe an opinion or something that disproves my point.. oh wait.. maybe that's cause you got nothing.

And more to the point, are they volunteering to pay for their holiday ? Because they’ve clearly missed the fact that OP can’t afford to and their dad doesn’t earn anything beyond the child maintenance he pays to his ex.

I think there’s a bit more to it than that in this case.

It's pretty clear what's actually going on is that you resent your husband. Unfortunately the poor SC are going to suffer. You need to address the issues with your husband now instead of simmering away.

Exactly, they've read one part of the story and made up the rest themselves. Laughable

And more to the point, are they volunteering to pay for their holiday ?

Yeah I'm sure the 8 year old can cover it. 🙄
Op won a holiday for 4. The toddler would always be free. The only extra cost is one child based on my real knowledge of holidays not the made up by the op.

It's perfectly possible to be a good step parent without idolizing your step children, placing them at the centere of every decision you ever make ever and "loving them as if they were your own" (not possible imo. There is a difference between visiting stepchildren and your own bio children and i don't think it helps to pretend otherwise). As long as you're happy to spend time with them, help make sure they've got what they need and make sure they know they're loved, that'll do and is a damn sight better than lots of children have, even from their own parents in this case.

I'm a stepmum and it's done my dsc no harm at all to have neither of us try and pretend I'm their mum.

I’ve read the full thread, so l’ll respond because I have got something.

First l’ll answer your question: As a father why would he want to leave his kids at home but take his toddler with him?

Answer: He wouldn’t. But since he isn’t contributing a single penny to the household beyond paying CM to his ex and is relying on OP working a 60 hour week to finance everything, maybe he should realise that having stretched her to the limit, he’s utterly unreasonable to expect her to accommodate the children on a holiday which wasn’t designed to cater for them, and to do so she would need to go into debt.

Posters like you are falling over themselves to blame OP because she’s a stepmum. There are always going to be blended families. Yes, as far as possible SC should be treated the same as bio ones. But that’s not always possible. Has anyone called out the bio mumfor expecting OP to accommodate the children while she has holidays abroad with her new family ? It’s ludicrous to suggest that the needs of these particular kids should come first, when it’s obvious that OP will have a breakdown if this pressure continues. It’s time for the two shitty parents to step up and take the pressure off so OP can unwind and recharge. But we all know they won’t. Just as we all know that there will be posters like you who will support that and scream for the kids to be put the kids before everything even when it’s not justified, or even warranted. It’s OP’s holiday. She should go with her DD and leave the shitshow behind. I’d be tempted not to come back.

I don’t think people on here understand what happens when you win a high value prize like this.
It is not flexible.
It is not transferable.
You can’t just decide you want to add extras, change the date or sell it. It’s all in the T&Cs.
If the DH wanted to do something here he would have to book and pay for separate rooms and flights and then pay the fines for taking kids out of school in term time.
And I’m not bringing cruel but sometimes kids learning they can’t have what they want all the time is fine. They already have a camping holiday planned which will be far more active for them.

That would be my choice too. I often took my two kids away on my own and it was usually far more relaxing than when their dad also came with us. I loved the quiet evenings on the balcony when they were asleep. The days were also less stressful because I could just follow their lead and I had no expectations of going to nice restaurants or visit museums etc until they were older.

I wasn’t talking about the kids. I was referring to yourself and the other poster quoted so you can acknowledge your reading comprehension fail and retract the eye roll any time you like.

I’ve read some but not all of your responses. I know exactly how you feel and you are right to demand what you are asking for. He made the decision to remarry and have a second family. He needs to make sure he can afford his first and second families without being subsidised by you. When he can pay his own way for both families and all his kids he can then do what he wants.

You take a break and let him think about his responsibilities and his options and take actions to restore his financial status first before demanding a darn holiday!

OK then. You carry on ignoring the facts to support your narrative.

I agree. Their Stepmum has won a holiday and she can't take them all. It's not like they are being told that Stepmum is paying for the holiday but is not paying for them. It's one holiday.

This, a voice of reason. And since we know that DH doesn’t contribute to financially beyond child maintenance it’s not hard to see who would end up footing the bill.