AIBU to not want to take SC on this holiday?

[MeanOrJustified]

I’ve won an all-inclusive beach holiday for two adults and two children. DH and I have a toddler and he has a DD, 12 and two DS, 8 and 11. Nice kids but the older two fight a lot and the youngest is quite demanding and prone to wanting his own way, and sulking when he doesn’t get it. They are active and will hate a beach holiday and it’s generally not very relaxing to be around them.

We haven’t been on a foreign holiday since before our toddler was born. Used to do lots, always with SC, but DH was made redundant when I was pregnant and is now in a lower paid role and we can only afford UK breaks until either one of us gets a better job or our child is in school. If we hadn’t won it, we wouldn’t be going on a foreign holiday. We had plans for ten days’ camping with SC which we’ll still do.

DH thinks we should ask to pay to extend the holiday to a larger family room so SC can come, and put the two extra flights on a credit card. I don’t want to. AIBU?

None of which is on the OP if she’s expected to do all the financing. She’s already said her DH takes just his children away to do the things they’re interested in but which wouldn’t suit a toddler. Why can’t OP do the same with her child ? Once more for those at the back, why do these children come above every other consideration including that OP appears to be setting herself on fire to keep everyone else warm ?

This is the crux of it all. (Apart from the fact that OP is exhausted with having to financially pay for everything whilst her husband has not worked properly for 18 months.)

She hasn't won a holiday for 6.

For the SC to come additional flights and additional accommodation would have to be booked which her DH cannot afford as he isn't working properly at the moment and they are already in debt. It really isn't difficult to understand.

Yes, just what I was thinking. Stop banging your head against the wall with irrational arguments.

Well good for you.

I thought you'd had a deeply traumatised experience the way you were going on.

As a step mum (and step child)I agree. Also, when my SC were younger we took turns with their mum (one year us, the next year mum and partner) to do the big family holiday with them. That way no one missed out. They are grown up now and still sometimes come away on holiday with us and their (half) siblings - but not every time. In this case their own mother doesn’t even prioritise them, no wonder they are acting out!
In your current situation OP you are not in any way unreasonable to not take them this time - you cannot afford it - and your little one is allowed family time too! You have a holiday you can afford planned with them.
Your DH needs to sort himself out. He and his ex need to step up on the parenting front.

You sound miserable. Divorce him and go on holiday with just your daughter and enjoy yourself.

Are you seriously asking why someone one would love a child that isn't biologically theirs???

OP - you don’t need to justify yourself to anyone. The fact is you’re being used by DH and his ex for money, childcare and so on as reflected by your financial situation. Take the holiday with just your DC and use the space to plan your separation - it’s great that you’re in a position to move on quickly and comfortably.

As sad as it may be for them, your SC have 2 parents who will help them navigate and adjust to their new reality, it’s not your responsibility. Even if your SC were saints it wouldn’t justify staying in an unhappy and unequal relationship with their father who you’ve clearly fallen out of love with and lost respect for. Perhaps this holiday was what you needed to face up to some home truths and act on what it sounds like you e known for a while you need to do. All the best!

So if you had 50:50 custody of your own DC would you refer to them as visiting you? Funny how only a Dad and SM ever get referred to as having “visiting” step kids. Some people raise their step children with no “real” parent input at all. Others adopt their step children. You can’t say “that’s not possible” as a blanket statement IMO because every situation is different.

Yes - that's exactly how it is. But bring step children into the equation and common sense flies out the window .....

You won this. It's not like you are spending extra that you should have shared with them on it.
You don't have to share every single thing in your life because you are a woman. People would have you believe its your duty but it's not.
Personally I'd go without any children at all. Leave your youngest with grandparents. Enjoy your prize.

I bet your DH expects you to parent all these kids on the holiday as well. That's not really a prize for you is it?
Bet if he won a weekend trip to see a football team play (or whatever his personal interests are) he wouldn't be clamouring to bring all the kids and make it a family event.

If I won a romantic holiday for two I wouldn't pay extra to bring all my kids. And they are all my biological kids!!

Why is this different because it's step kids?

Don't take them
They need to learn not everything is always shared and it doesn't mean anything about their worth. Life just isn't like that. Is this the type of family that all gets presents on any individuals birthday? Because it's unfair for one person to have something another doesn't?
Couldn't be me.
Everyone gets different opportunities at different stages of their life, different things come their way.
There's no reason that as a mother you should completely sacrifice anything that was meant for you as an individual because the children should also have it.
We can leave that attitude in the past.

Go on the holiday you won. Enjoy it. Don't pay extra to take extra kids and have to do extra work parenting them just because your DH doesn't have the balls to tell his ex that this is YOIR prize and you'll be enjoying it how you want.

I'm sorry I simply do not have enough time to deal with people who lack basic reading comprehension

And reading the updates I wouldn't even take your DH either.
Go alone and enjoy it or just go with your biological child.
They are all using you.
Absolute audacity of wanting you to not only hand over the prize you won but pay extra out of your own pocket so they can have it.
Pretty disgusting.

There are some really good Stepmums out there who have loving relationships with the SC. You don't need to pity all SC just because you wouldn't be a good one.

Why would someone show children who are not theirs the same amount of affection as her own child??

You literally asked this???
Please enlighten me with your elite level of communication skill and point out where my comprehension was off,
Since you very clearly do have the time.

100%

You can afford to take one SC with you, so why not take your stepdaughter? And then plan a separate treat for just the boys? It can be good for kids to go on holiday without all their siblings, and she'll have more special time with her dad. Plus she can stay in with the toddler (on her phone), and you can go out in the evening.

She's not pitying any stepchildren.

She's saying that she knows she'd be a bit crap, so she'll never put herself in that position.

In my case, my dsc are visiting - weekends and holidays because their mum moved 200 miles away. So yeah, visiting.

Why are people so aghast when step mums acknowledge that there are differences between their own children and step children? Why are step mums held to a higher standard than everyone else? Do you love your nieces and nephews exactly the same as you love your own children?

As i said it's perfectly possible to be a good step mum without trying to convince yourself and the world that you absolutely must love them exactly the same as your own or you're a terrible person.

TiredCatLady · Today 10:04

I’ve RTFT and I’m hoping that OP has decided to just go on the trip with her DD, given notice on the rental house and is making plans to divorce the useless H.

This, in spades!

This thread is absolutely full of misogyny. All those having a pop at OP for not treating all the kids the same whilst IGNORING that this is exactly what the FATHER does, because its fine for him to not even pay a penny for his toddler whilst paying over the odds in maintenance for his other kids. That should tell you absolutely everything you need to know about those posters views, nothing is expected from father's, whilst step mothers have to give absolutely everything. It's a disgusting, entitled, zexist attitude.

Go on holiday OP, I'd suggest without your user husband, but either way, it will be without the step kids because their PARENTS can't afford to for them to go and it is 100% unreasonable to expect you to get into debt in order for them to come.

This thread is absolutely full of misogyny. All those having a pop at OP for not treating all the kids the same whilst IGNORING that this is exactly what the FATHER does, because its fine for him to not even pay a penny for his toddler whilst paying over the odds in maintenance for his other kids. That should tell you absolutely everything you need to know about those posters views, nothing is expected from father's, whilst step mothers have to give absolutely everything. It's a disgusting, entitled, zexist attitude.

Go on holiday OP, I'd suggest without your user husband, but either way, it will be without the step kids because their PARENTS can't afford to for them to go and it is 100% unreasonable to expect you to get into debt in order for them to come.