Shamed by HV for not exposing DD to a second language

[Skedaddledaway]

I had DDs 12 months appointment yesterday. This time was better than previous times as she only managed to say something vaguely offensive 3 times during the 10 minute appointment.

However, there was one comment she made that filled me up with 'mum guilt' about not exposing DD to a second language. I live in a very multicultural area where most children are being brought learning 2 or 3 languages so seeing a child just speaking English is probably less common.

I speak good french (lived and worked in France for several years) but haven't used french for at least 4 years so am rusty! Speaking french with DD didn't feel natural compared to using my mother tongue. Now I am questioning whether that was a poor decision.

As a single mum I have a lot on my plate but I am thinking of starting to expose DD to some french.
My thoughts were:

• Turning her doll into a francophone so when ever we play with it use french.
• incorporating some simple everyday phrases into our daily routine
• reading books in french in the morning during breakfast
• listening to some nursery rhymes in french

Does this approach sound reasonable?

I wouldn't give it a lot of headspace if stressing you out, but exposing her to a 2nd language can only be a good thing imo. It is so much easier to learn when younger, personally I love the doll idea, or mixing up as you read stories.

Your HV sounds bizarre!
my husband is native French and didn’t speak to the children in French until they started at a French crèche as it felt unnatural to him as our whole relationship is in English. Mine started learning at 12 months only two days a week at French crèche and understand pretty much everything at 20 months and say around 10 French words/ phrases compared to about 50 in English.
If you are looking for French resources the Tonie box is great for French songs and simple stories and of course books to read but I wouldn’t worry about it if you are already stretched.

Could you not jsit dismiss this as her opinion and not attach so much weight to it?
You're allowed to not teach your child your rusty French. It's fine.

I still don't think it's 'shaming' and I hate the way this has become the go to word to say, "Someone shared an opinion that was different to mine."

Agree that it's a ridiculous comment from the HV.
If you are planning to do this with your child, start now though, because she will very soon be much more able to express a preference, and she may well strongly dislike you using French (what child would like only understanding badly what a parent says when there's another language they've been exposed to since birth, they understand well and they know the parent speaks?).
My DH had this also with French, which he speaks natively (went to a French school) but it's not his mother tongue. I wanted him to speak more French to our DC but he never felt comfortable doing it. She was already growing up bilingual because mine and DH's mother tongues are different. She's now 4 and although she says a few words in French, she gets very annoyed if we try to talk more that that with her.

What a nob of a HV. Ignore the silly woman and carry on as you were!

Also, she's very little for screen time at the moment, but once she's older you could try only showing her shows in French. Some of my friends here (European country) did that with their children in English, and it's really impressive how much some of them have learnt just from what you'd think is passive absorption. Children's brains are amazing.

That’s pretty silly. People often think languages are easy for kids. They’re not - they take a LOT of dedicated effort to learn.

My kids are bilingual (DH and I have different first languages). Both of us only speak to the kids in our own language, always have. And by god it was hard to get them to speak the language that was different to the one spoken where we live. The only reason they are truly bilingual is because we have lived in both countries. It annoys me when people say ‘oh they just picked it up did they?’. No, they did not.

that was a rant, sorry. My point is, if you like to expose your DC to a second language, great! But they won’t come out able to speak it. Realistic expectations are key and the HV is way off.

This sounds ridiculous, and potentially discriminatory 'a good mum will teach her children multiple languages' - many mums will only speak 1 language.

Of course it's brilliant when someone can speak multiple languages, but there is no need to shame a mum who can't.

Reminds me of when I was at secondary - everyone did French and then 'choice' of 2nd languages -German, Italian, Urdu or Punjabi. I asked to do Italian, was told no, that was only for children who had been brought up with Italian at home, same for Urdu and Punjabi - it discriminated against children who didn't have a 2nd language at home - the teachers wanted an easy ride and not to actually need to teach it. Working in a very multicultural area, knowing a bit of urdu or punjabi would have been really useful to me.

Is this your health visitor suggesting this?

Please fuck off. (Health visitor,not you). Jesus.

Your HV sounds really fucking stupid. Either ignore her or put in a complaint about her, if that’s what she really said. She’s one of the types who push women into PND.

It’s also very unfair to say this to a single mother, as the vast majority of families with bilingual children will do that because they have two parents who speak different first languages!

Your HV is wrong. It's recommended that native speakers speak their language to babies if that fits their home life and routine.

If you have good French, by all means play games with your child in French and have fun introducing it later if you like. My mother did this when we were primary school age and that was great. But your child won't learn to be a French speaker from artificial (and respectfully, unless you are really unusual), flawed conversations with a non native speaker.

The nursery comment makes it clear she's not a sensible person. This isn't a real issue. Get on with your life and enjoying your baby and remember that every profession has its share of cranks.

Step 1. Make complaint about batshit HV.

Step 2. Speak to your child in your own language like 99% of other parents do.

Step 3. That's all the steps.

Don't worry, she'd be telling you off for not teaching your kid good enough English if you did speak a different language at home (bitter experience)

We're you really shamed or was it projecting because you feel guilty?

She's plucked that out of her arse.

It's known that children can have a (mild) speech delay if you try to introduce too many languages at once. I've never known a family teach more than 3 at once.

I was brought up bilingual and resolutely refused to respond in the second language, my whole childhood. I got a GCSE in it later but that's it, I can barely speak it now.

Wtf! Unless you’re bilingual yourself (eg a French person living in the UK) or a bilingual household (eg your husband is French) then there’s no need to expose your child to another language, that’s not the norm for monolingual UK households.

Disagree. HV’s should not be giving their personal opinion unless asked. It should be professional advice. It’s actually part of their NMC code of conduct so she is skating on very thin ice. It absolutely is shaming in the way that she said it and if she criticises others new mums parenting in that manner then it could destroy someone already risk of post partum depression. HV’s need to be very careful how they phrase things.

I hope you asked what 5 language's her children are fluent in.
I'd of started asking full details - and start taking notes on how she achieved it.

Although I had one HV with no kids telling me I was doing something wrong - I'd managed to keep myself and 2 other babies alive by this point 😂 just ignore.

I am a crap mum by her standard, although my parents also failed as I was never taught a second language. I'm English only ever spoken English, DP has Scottish heritage - his Scottish father doesn't speak Scottish or Irish - i think his parents failed him! By your HVs standards not parents standards.

Did she really?

I'd lodge a complaint against this HV. This is simply ridiculous nonsense.

It is totally bizarre to expect you to speak another language when you are not bilingual and you don't have another language being used in your household.
This is another stress chore you don't need in your life. I'm fluent in another language and speak it regularly but I still don't speak it to my kids. It would just be odd

Bloody hell! I would have told her in no uncertain terms that my child was loved and cared for and her education was none of her business and to keep her nose out.

What a terrible thing to say... just ignore the HV and don't go again.

That’s ridiculous. Shamed for not teaching a second language when both parents native tongue is the same. My ex speaks Hindu, that’s his mother tongue though he only speaks it to his mother as he speaks English to his siblings and nieces and nephews. He never taught it to our kids, his choice. They certainly haven’t been disadvantaged. Both very high achievers, not interested in languages. I think you’d be mad to listen to her ridiculous comment.

This is hilarious. Reminds me of the time I took my child to a HV check appointment when she was about 12 months old. The HV asked "what's her best friend's name?". I chuckled and said "she doesn't have a best friend because she's 1." She looked very serious and said " well most 1 year olds do have a best friend- what a shame!" 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Really? What’s your first language OP? Are you in the UK? If so where? How many languages does your HV speak?

Curious

She should be making sure the other cultures in your area speak English.