Shamed by HV for not exposing DD to a second language

[Skedaddledaway]

I had DDs 12 months appointment yesterday. This time was better than previous times as she only managed to say something vaguely offensive 3 times during the 10 minute appointment.

However, there was one comment she made that filled me up with 'mum guilt' about not exposing DD to a second language. I live in a very multicultural area where most children are being brought learning 2 or 3 languages so seeing a child just speaking English is probably less common.

I speak good french (lived and worked in France for several years) but haven't used french for at least 4 years so am rusty! Speaking french with DD didn't feel natural compared to using my mother tongue. Now I am questioning whether that was a poor decision.

As a single mum I have a lot on my plate but I am thinking of starting to expose DD to some french.
My thoughts were:

• Turning her doll into a francophone so when ever we play with it use french.
• incorporating some simple everyday phrases into our daily routine
• reading books in french in the morning during breakfast
• listening to some nursery rhymes in french

Does this approach sound reasonable?

I speak French as a second language and am quite fluent but I am not a native speaker and occasionally will say things in a way that a native speaker would not. I was nervous about teaching French to DC badly so haven't incorporated it into daily life. But we have some French books that we read together and a little word toy with French cards that DC happily plays with. That feels enough to me really.

The people who don’t believe the OP clearly didn’t have rubbish HVs. I had one so can completely believe that this happened.

Some HVs are to be ignored. For my first 3 children, I couldn’t fault the HVs. However, the one I saw for the 12 month check up for my 4th child was an absolute moron and so I didn’t go back. I guess like in most professions there are some good ones and some poor ones

HV are interested in how many languages are used at home for developmental reasons. Bilingual children are often slow to develop language skills like longer sentences ( beyond single word speech) but then often exceed in language skills when older
You don’t need to teach them a second language if that isn’t used at home. As soon as they go to primary they will have opportunity to do so (if you wish, often privately paid for out of school, school and nursery exposure is minimal) by all means play nursery rhymes in French and English for exposure in a fun way. Lose the guilt, this is definitely not warranted!

Over 15 years the most I have done is teach my kids to count ten in French and Spanish and say Hello, goodbye and thank you in the language of any country we've visited.

I think giving your child exposure to even a non fluent language is good for them. We're Welsh and our children are in Welsh schools, which ask us explicitly to do as much as we can in Welsh at home, even if we make mistakes.

I've found that my children are great at picking up other languages, we spend time in France and they're good at picking up the language in terms of skill.

But also DP and I have been modelling having a go, using what you can and being respectful enough to try for years and that's rubbed off on them. I think their attitude to languages is a really good thing, and makes them approach with curiosity rather than feel othered or overwhelmed by cultural differences.

Same here, the gp was a bit annoying though. Informed me that the practice had decided it was best I didn't have any more children because I'd had pre eclampsia. HV said he was a nutter and that there was no chance this a true statement as well as being none of his business.

I live in a multicultural city with 2 unis and lots of families where for one or more parent English isn't their first language. My child is 19, nobody I knew who spoke English as their first language introduced another language as early as 12 months and none adopted the speak to them only in a non mother tongue approach. Also, this is nothing to do with an HV - not their job and they are not qualified to offer advice like this

French is her second language, not one she 'hardly knows'. Read the OP's posts before criticising.

HVs are ridiculous. I never received any decent advice from any of the HVs I met, in fact one had me in floods of tears when she took it upon herself to diagnose my DS with an issue that would have required major surgery if he had have had it. He was later seen by a specialist and they reassured me he was fine. She was an utter twit.

Op this is absolutely ridiculous. There are literally millions of children in the UK who only know one language! They'll learn french at school and that's that. It's fine!

Something doesn't add up here.

OP, what did the HV actually say?

And this is why I ignore health visitors. There are so many women who have been told utter shite by them.

When I was distraught and suicidal with PND, mine said "well, call me in a week once this phase has passed". I genuinely at that point didn't think I'd be alive in a week.

Then with DD2 the HV said something like "breastfeeding is like putting a protective bubble around your baby, and I just don't know how any loving mother could choose not to do that."

Absolutely none of her business. However, I spoke French to the kids from early childhood, taught them phrases, songs and did easy French workbooks and they do all speak it well. One is doing it for A level another did German for A level. It’s definitely worth doing.

This is exactly why I opted out of the HV service with my second.
With my first she made me feel like such a failure. DS had to be monitored for weight for the first 6 months. Every week I had to have him weighed and every week she would tell me he hadn't put on enough and that I wasn't doing enough. It wasn't until she was off sick on week that another HV was like WTF he is fine. He was a small birth weight so obviously is going to be on the smaller end of the scale.
6 months of worry and mum guilty for nothing!!!

If you aren't using multiple languages every day in your home, I wouldn't even bat an eyelid at what the HV is saying. You are not letting your DD down.
My husband is South African. He knows and grew up learning Afrikaans at school etc but we haven't even through to teach out children it.

I didn't want to put the effort in. It takes real work to talk in a second language when the country you live in speaks your first language. We speak English as a family because DP only speaks English. We don't have any friends who speak the second language. It would have meant dedicating most of my alone time with DC to speaking the second language, and although I speak it very well, it's not the most natural language for me. I wanted to spend that time bonding naturally with my DC, not trying to pass on a language skill. The baby years were lovely but also hard, and then toddler and preschool years were busy. Perhaps we could have put more effort in, like a dedicated activity in that language each week, but any more than that would have gotten in the way of me parenting my DC as best I can.

One thing I do is have exposure through music and TV and the occasional few sentences, so that they can pick up pronunciation. I do this because it's easy and because I think correct pronunciation is one of the hardest things to learn for adult language learners.

OP, if it makes you feel any better when DS was born I was researching bilingualism as English is not my mother tongue. So I happened to read the website of a German LA (translated to my language and btw I don't live in Germany!) and they explicitly told non-native speakers:

"DO NOT speak to your children in German! We do not want you to teach them wrong German. Once they go to nursery they will pick enough German to start Y1. E.g. if the mother speaks X language and the father Y then they should each speak their own language to the child. We want them to have solid foundations in at least one language."

A friend in the UK was told by the HV that when they are outside the house they should only speak to their child in English so that the child understands that English is the language spoken in the UK otherwise DC would get confused

Don't have that fruitcake in your house again!

And btw, schools where I live tend to teach Spanish!

I wonder whether HVs have to always pull you up on something. If the only thing she had was this languages stuff then I'd say you were doing a great job. Ignore her, she's being ridiculous (unless you're going to drip feed that you live in France 😆)

No no no no.
This is not something we are going to get "mum guilt" over.
No, enough, we have enough already.

HV is letting down the system, her profession by , perpetuating a stereotype that they are all "out to get you" in some way. Add this to this of reasons mums don't ask for help.

@MoodEnhancer thank you.

Just to clarify, I'm not talking about raising DD as bilingual. I just don't have the time, energy, patience or resources to do that unfortunately. However, the more I've thought about the HVs comment, the more guilty I've felt. Perhaps it is a shame that I am not exposing her to French (in a fun way).

Since DD turned 1 I've been worrying a lot about whether I've been doing the right thing with DD. I've done my best with what I have. Comments from the HV whilst I don't imagine for a second were said maliciously, definitely had the effect of making me feel like a bad parent. To the people calling BS and dismissing my experience, it's really not helpful.

I'd be doing the smile, nod and ignore.

This is a HV who I have to visit at the children's centre. They don't visit your house in my area. I'm still haunted by the first appointment, walking 35 mins with stitches still on to take my newborn to be weighed 😅

That's what I did for the other comments but the languages one perhaps hit a nerve. I'm feeling less guilty now after reading some responses

The health visitor sounds barking.

Dont give her any head space and certainly don’t think you have to rake up a second language.

First, I'd ignore comments on here from anyone who hasn't raised a child bilingually.

What you're suggesting may not be enough, but any exposure is good exposure. Experts recommend to be exposed to a language for 20% of your awake time in order to become fluent in it. The second thing I would say is that it isn't easy. French is my first language, yet it didn't feel natural for lots of reasons - environment being in english, other parents around, not enough time in the day... So I would say, don't worry about it not feeling natural, I think it's normal to an extent. My DC wasn't exposed to much french in the first couple of years of her life. Yet she became fluent when I decided I had to make an effort... I know experts don't recommend screen time, but if and when you let her have screen time, make it french only. It certainly helped in my case. Mine didn't see the other language as something annoying, it was our "secret language" - Still is ;-)