If my dc doesn't go on the y6 residential?

[cadburyegg]

Y6 residential coming up in the next few months- 2 nights away. At the moment ds1 is adamant he doesn't want to go, as he doesn't want to be away from me. He's always been quite anxious, but has got a lot better as he's got older. He is used to staying away from me as he stays with his dad EOW but he would still rather stay with me. He has never been on a sleepover at another child's house nor had one at ours, he has no interest in doing so.

I am going to try and encourage him to go as much as I can, talk to him about the activities (which I know he would love) but I'm not going to force him. There is a lot of talk amongst other parents in the class WA group about getting their kids ready for staying away, with some other parents planning on booking hotels nearby so their child can stay with them at night then still do the activities during the day. This would be the best option for ds1 I think but I have looked and the cheapest hotel would still be £250+ which isn't really affordable when the cost of the residential is £240 as it is.

I would also need to take 3 days holiday from work which would also be tricky as that is right at the end of my leave year. And there is ds2 to consider - he'd have to stay with my mum for 3 nights which would be disruptive to him and a lot to put on my mum. Basically me staying away with him just isn't an option.

But I keep hearing all about the experience and how amazing it will be for the kids and how awful it will be for the 1/2 kids (out of the year group of 60) who stay behind and stay in a different class.

I just don't see how I can make it work. AIBU if ds1 just doesn't go, assuming he doesn't change his mind?

The trouble is usually you have to pay a deposit upfront to confirm a place on a trip so if a child says they won’t go and then changes their mind later on, it’s usually too late (this has happened in DC’s classes).

Ours go to north wales too. They have such a great time there. I said I’d drive her there myself if needed if say she was ill and missed the first day or something (but didn’t actually want to as it’s about 6 hours 🤣)

Me neither. I have taken away at least 300 infant school age children over around 10 trips. Only 1 had to be collected and that's because they had a tummy bug.

I researched nearby hotels as an option if it helped DS engage in the activities while knowing we were near. We’d absolutely want him to get on that coach, wave him off and hope that he had a weekend of fun. However due to anxiety it was a very real possibility he’d refuse to go. So we made a B plan.

Reading the comments on here I’m a ridiculous, OTT, mollycoddler. Actually I was a mum to an anxious DS with an attachment disorder due to early neglect that’s not had a sleepover without us since we adopted him.

But I’m sure in mumsnet world it’s us that have made him anxious because we convey the message he can’t be independent. Also in mumsnet world it’s an either or - either he goes or he misses out completely! Unfortunately people’s perspective is based on their own kids only!

But again different circumstances unless op is neglecting and or abusing her son which i highly doubt.

I haven't read all the posts, but If he doesn't want to go and you are worried about him missing out, I would use the money to give him an experience he wouldn't have had otherwise. Possibly with his sibling or a friend. That way he isn't missing out, just getting something that is right for him.

The residential is only really positive if he wants to go, forcing him seems pointless. It is not essential. I remember most of the boys in the year above me missing it when I was at primary school as it clashed with the world cup.

I think it is lovely you are so considerate of his feelings.

Part of the point of a residential is to rough it a bit. To take the children out of their comfort zone and experience new things and new challenges. We can't protect them from every little thing.

Mine have done residentials - for some it was their thing - for one not.

But she came home and really appreciated home and all that we did for her! - bonus! It is only a few nights and your child will learn lots: about the educational aspects of the residential, about what they can and can't do, about getting along with others, about pushing themselves a bit. Even if it finishes up not being their thing, they will have learned a lot about themselves.

If he really does not want to go then so be it. But please it is either/or - don't join the other parents holing themselves up in B&Bs. That is just madness!

Random thought relating to this:

He has some lovely close friends, I am not sure if they are going, I’m assuming so.

How can you have a conversation with him about staying away, without knowing if his friends are going? That's a big part of the decision making usually.

I was responding to the many generalised comments about parents who consider nearby hotels as being ridiculous.

Complete insanity - the parents attending the residential completely overlooks it's purpose (to allow children to build independence before high school).

As for your child not attending. I would take a brisk approach. Do not make a big deal out of it - be non committal in discussion. This will give your child the chance to join in the natural momentum of the class as excitement builds without having to lose face about changing their mind.

If the week before he still does not want to attend, then fine. I would still be sending him to school each day if he doesn't go.

FWIW - my highly anxious dc would sell a kidney to stay at home. Not always in their best interests to give them 100% autonomy on things like this.

As a teacher, I would say it is normal to have a few children only attend during the day. Sometimes this is due to behaviour where the risk assessment shows too high a risk and we insist. Sometimes ASN, particularly autism. Sometimes medical. Sometimes it's parental choice.

We cannot discriminate and tell a child they cannot attend without making reasonable adjustments.

Parents are booking hotels nearby for a two night break?? Sorry this is absolutely nuts.
Either he doesnt want to go or he does and goes with the group.
Sorey but I think you are feeding into the anxiety by offering to book a hotel nearby.
I have one son that stays away any chance he can and one who won't leave my side. One of them has been on PGL summer camps alone without the school since age 8 and loved them but said the school one was rubbish and quite tame as they know it is a mix of kids who may or may not like being away doing adventurous stuff. Compared to one you can book for summer holidays where they do more activities.
My other son wouldnt go and he would hate it so I wont be making him go or facilitating a half going with a get out clause.

There was actually a few children that didnt go to the year 6 one at my sons school and the school did a few activity days in school with them and made it really nice for those kids. Maybe ask the school if there are others not going and what their plan is for thosr that cant go.

Because it is ridiculous! I know about having a child with anxiety. My child has an ED and in the beginning of it caused huge anxiety and ocd issues. You are not helping your child by reinforcement, you won't make your child better by not exposing them to scary things. It is hard, watching your child cry and be distressed but in the end you are doing it for thier own benefit, each time exposure makes the anxiety slightly less each time. If I just pandered to her anxiety and fear of eating she would be in hospital now and not in early recovery. We have to make our kids do hard things for their own health and happiness.

Our school didn’t allow the kids to come and go, you either went for the whole thing or you didn’t.
My daughter had a fab time on hers, not all kids are ready to be away for that long though

This is exactly what DD did. Didnt want to go, wasnt going, end of.

Then suddenly all her friends were going and she ended up changing her mind. She absolutely loved it!

There is a lot of talk amongst other parents in the class WA group about getting their kids ready for staying away, with some other parents planning on booking hotels nearby so their child can stay with them at night then still do the activities during the day

These parents are bonkers. Don't be one of them.

I agree.

These parents arent doing stuff for their kids, they are doing it for themselves. They have decided that their kids wont manage being away without them being there, and dont see that they are holding their kids back. And the kids dont feel able to say "LET ME GO!" because then mum/dad might get upset or angry about not being needed.

I think you've got the right attitude op, if he wants to go fantastic, if not he may regret it, he may not but he'll remember that he made the decision himself, this is a massive life lesson for him.
For his sake I hope he does decide to go, one of my DC was quite apprehensive about going to theirs, they absolutely loved it and I do feel they learned a lot from being away us.
As for the parents staying in hotels I've never heard of anything so ridiculous, the DC's either go and participate fully or don't bother going at all.

I'm so glad I posted here before talking to the school about special arrangements 😂

I'm honestly not making it up about hotels like one poster insinuated, it seemed to be quite an accepted thing on the WA group

Would the WA group be mainly women who gave up their professional careers to be professional parents and cant get over the fact that they are not needed anymore?

Totally Agree. I didn’t want to go on my Y6 residential at all and the school organised a little activity week for those who didn’t want to go instead which perhaps you could recreate - we went to the zoo, beach, museum, bowling etc! Had so much fun and I didn’t feel nervous or anxious and I was glad I didn’t go on the residential. It wasn’t for me!

I think that there was a child whose parents stayed nearby (and he may have stayed with them but there was the aim for him to stay at the venue) when ds went but he was very medically complex.

Well great for her but it’s not the same for all kids.

Exactly. Wasn’t the same for me - I really really don’t want to go. If my parents had forced me I’d have been so upset. I’m glad they listened to me and respected that I didn’t want to.

Half my son's class 'didnt want to go on the residential'.

This wasn't true. A lot of it was parents winding up the kids and them not coping with the thought of it rather than the kids!

When it came to it, the kids all wound each other up into excitement about going.

2 out of 60 didn't go.

All the others went including all the kids with additional needs. One stayed nearby and just went for the day but this was reasonable under the circumstances.

Lots of parents talked about staying nearby initially. In the end none did bar the child staying for the day only.