If my dc doesn't go on the y6 residential?

[cadburyegg]

Y6 residential coming up in the next few months- 2 nights away. At the moment ds1 is adamant he doesn't want to go, as he doesn't want to be away from me. He's always been quite anxious, but has got a lot better as he's got older. He is used to staying away from me as he stays with his dad EOW but he would still rather stay with me. He has never been on a sleepover at another child's house nor had one at ours, he has no interest in doing so.

I am going to try and encourage him to go as much as I can, talk to him about the activities (which I know he would love) but I'm not going to force him. There is a lot of talk amongst other parents in the class WA group about getting their kids ready for staying away, with some other parents planning on booking hotels nearby so their child can stay with them at night then still do the activities during the day. This would be the best option for ds1 I think but I have looked and the cheapest hotel would still be £250+ which isn't really affordable when the cost of the residential is £240 as it is.

I would also need to take 3 days holiday from work which would also be tricky as that is right at the end of my leave year. And there is ds2 to consider - he'd have to stay with my mum for 3 nights which would be disruptive to him and a lot to put on my mum. Basically me staying away with him just isn't an option.

But I keep hearing all about the experience and how amazing it will be for the kids and how awful it will be for the 1/2 kids (out of the year group of 60) who stay behind and stay in a different class.

I just don't see how I can make it work. AIBU if ds1 just doesn't go, assuming he doesn't change his mind?

I'm not calling names or being disparaging here; my own DS didn't go on his primary residentials (one because he didn't want to/ was still too 'young' as he's ASD, the other because of Covid. He's recently been on a Geography residential now in secondary and loved it). However, I'd really suggest either him going fully, committing to the whole experience, or just staying home. Definitely don't stay at a hotel nearby.

Honestly, I've been on residentials as a staff member, and it really teaches them resilience in an evening when they sometimes get sad. Some get sad, some don't. They help each other cheer up if needed, especially if an adult points out that maybe someone is feeling down. There are usually plenty of activities right up until bedtime, so there isn't loads of time to get that way.

Having families right nearby in a hotel would make it all so difficult, for literally everyone. Children whose families aren't there will wonder why theirs aren't there, children whose families are there keep getting reminded every evening and having the "goodbye I'll miss yooou" every single day would be horrible.

I repeat though: I absolutely understand that there are all kinds of circumstances as to why a child might not want or be able to attend the residential, and that's fine. They will have fun at school while everyone is gone, and it'll barely be a blip in their school experience. I personally don't actually understand the obsession with the residentials. Costs are exploding now as well; I suspect our school will have to revisit possibly shortening the yr6 one to get the costs down for parents.

@changedmyname24 I think everyone who has commented about the parents staying in hotels and have said they would understand if medical or SEN need

Your situation was totally different, and I'm sure no one judged you, you were staying close by in case your son had a health emergency. That's very different than not allowing them to stay at night with the other kids because either the parents or kids are nervous about being away from each other.

My daughter has opted not to go on the residential in Year 4 and 5. Most of the kids do go but she just doesn't want to so I won't force her. Have never heard of parents staying nearby though, I think that defeats the object of a residential!

There is a lot of talk amongst other parents in the class WA group about getting their kids ready for staying away, with some other parents planning on booking hotels nearby so their child can stay with them at night then still do the activities during the day.

What the fuck have I just read.

The school frankly should not be allowing this as a general policy.

Unfuckingbelievable.

I agree. Total pandering. And we wonder why kids have no resilience when the adults around them are like this.

We went on ours and that was that. If you really really were struggling you could speak to your parents on the phone.

I can’t remember anyone needing to be collected either.

Would he be able to contact you to be collected if he really wanted to come home? This was the decider for my DS who also didnt want to leave me (which is a different thing to not wanting to do the trip, and one imo that does need working on, as he will miss out) I told DS that it if he needed me, I'd be there within the hour. He went and had a fantastic time.

I think trying to encourage them to go would help their independence and they’d probably love it when they’re there. But I’d also not force them if they don’t want to go.

Our school do a residential every year from year 1!! (Admittedly yr 1 and 2 is 1 night only and only about 10miles away). My youngest has always been hesitant but loves it when there and has helped encouraged him to try new things. Having said that he was adamant he didn’t want to go on a recent school trip and I knew he’d hate it so he just didn’t go.

Ultimately you know your child best, so trust yourself. He won’t miss out not going x

I've been a teacher for thirty something years. I've done so many residentials I've lost count.

My advice would be to just forget about it.
He doesn't want to go. No problem. At all.
He'll go on future trips, or maybe he won't.
It's up to him.

And I am flabbergasted to read about parents staying nearby in hotels. I'm amazed the school allows this. I wouldn't.
Little Jimmy has a wobble at bedtime and mum or dad swoops in to take him back to sleep with them.... What happens if little Mary then starts to wobble and mum is 200 miles away at home? And little Johnny? Believe me those night time wobbles are contagious.

If they're not ready, they're not ready.
And that goes for the parents who seem so needy they need to be close by

Madness.

When my son went he was a bit nervous but did enjoy it. We wouldn't have forced it though

I work in year 6. I would be very, very surprised if they allowed some parents to stay in hotels nearby. It would be extremely disruptive (and unfair) on those kids who are staying overnight. I wouldn't worry if he doesn't go. There will always be some kids that don't go. They always seem fine going into other classes. It will be over very quickly. Don't make too big of a thing of it is my advice. It's a great experience for them if they do go. But not the end of the world if they don't.

Our Y6 residential last year was 5 nights in France. Definitely no one was booking nights near the chateau and following them around. I agree it sounds bonkers. There were definitely some who didn’t come because their parents were too anxious (I didn’t get a sense it was the children). But if he doesn’t want to go, he doesn’t want to go. I do think going away overnight is an important developmental step and I would try to encourage and support him to do that eventually, but maybe this just isn’t it.

Absolutely. This is insanity.

Your situation is very different though. I work in year 6 and a couple of years ago we had a child that had had medical issues in the weeks before the residential, which meant potentially he would not be safe doing the activities if it flared up again. He was desperate to go, so the compromise was for his mum to stay nearby. She was able to WFH at her hotel and was on call if needed.

Also, to those people telling parents to tell their children they'll come and pick them up if they aren't happy, absolutely don't do this. We've had children come down saying they can't sleep and their mum said they could ask us to call her to pick up, no we never agreed to that, and the parent should never have said that.

Agreed. Which is why I don’t believe it.

@changedmyname24 I agree with PPs that that was a very different situation. Your son had a very new and frightening medical condition, which at the time, wasn’t completely under control. You found a solution that enabled him to still go and enjoy himself, you were there in case of a medical emergency. Not in case he got a bit homesick. I really hope he’s doing well now.

I agree. However, in my case my son is AuDHD. There was some discussion about whether he'd be ok so it was agreed that if he was unable to cope I'd have to go and get him. I didn't want to do this as he was going to North Wales and I'm in the South. It was fine. I wouldn't have dreamed of booking a hotel though, and I don't know anybody who has done that!

You say son is anxious? That’s fear.,fear is the unknown.
would it perhaps be helpful to eliminate some of fear with knowledge- and that includes experience and familiarity

maybe talk to him first about his fears- not in way to make him go, but to explore with him safely, he is going to have to crack this at secondary or risk missing life opportunities

could you arrange some sleepovers at yours at first? A trusted friend, special tea, and an activity at home/ movie etc …then ease him into a sleepover elsewhere

could you and he take a day out to see place he’ll be staying at if he goes?

get hold of timetable of activities asap. Go online and watch videos, or even have a go yourselves first.

could you talk to teachers about their ideas to ease him in…perhaps ask that if he does want to try it and then he wants to come home you could pick him up

talk to teachers about identifying potential room mates, organise some “ play dates” with them

get him being looked after by other relatives or friends in evening- do you ever go out? Build up time away from him

it’s a shame it’s got to year 6, and you’re now with a child who appears to have separation anxiety and anxiety about not being at home. He has to leave you and home eventually..for his own good. You might just be making it all too comfortable for him, he needs to explore being outside his comfort zone to develop mental resilience. Maybe this trip isn’t way to do that, but look at all these things and help your child gain independence and confidence around others and tackling new challenges

I do say this as a HSP, introverted person- it isn’t easy ..I was a painfully shy child, and remain a homebody today..but now age 60 I can see what opportunities I’d have missed if not gently pushed along a road to independence by my parents

it did help having older siblings and listening to their experiences..is your child an only child, is there a little blurring of boudaries between friend and parent ? Genuine question not a knock at you.

I'd try to encourage the child and try to ignore the protests. It will be hard to do but there will be other children feeling the same and they will all grow and learn from the experience.

Well. In a turn up for the books, I haven't mentioned anything about the residential at all in the last few days and ds1 suddenly started asking me questions about it, it sounds like they've been talking about it at school. I showed him a video I found on YouTube and suddenly he wants to go. 🤷‍♀️

Then ds2 started crying because he says he'll miss him too much!

So we'll see! I'm feeling more positive about the whole thing even if he changes his mind. I'm not anxious about him going BTW! I'd love him to go. But I want him to want to go.

FWIW he's stayed at my mums quite regularly since he was younger. And stays with his dad EOW. It hasn't made him less clingy towards me though, if anything it's the opposite.

My child never stayed out and was 100% certain he wasn't going in the school residential that is untill 4 days before they where due togo and he changed his mind, thankfully the school said he could go and he had the best time your child might change his mind and decide he wants togo especially as it get closer and all his friends start getting excited about it.

DS's friend was ADAMANT he wouldn't go on residental. He was NOT GOING.

So I asked his Mum if he would come for a sleep over at our with DS and their other friend.

They had a ball.

DS's friend didn't say a single time after that about how he didn't want to go. He was absoluetely fine because he realised he would be with his mates who he trusted.

They went and had a ball. No problems what so ever.

I think in the end one parent stayed nearby - for reasons which worked for all. A lot of the parents were more stressed than the kids. But it wasn't multiple parents doing this.

Staying in hotels? Crikey this is insane I’ve never heard of anyone doing that. You would be laughed at thinking it was a joke. The whole idea is that they go away themselves!

All kids go on our year 6 trip usually bar around 3/4. Out of 60.

Id send him and tell him to get on with it. Yes it’s nerve wracking for some. But kids need to learn some resilience. He’s off to secondary soon. They can’t always not just stuff because it makes them feel a bit worried. I’ve said to my daughter many times that being nervous is normal and part of life.

Ok, so some of my post now not relevant due to drip feed

but,
glad he’s warming to it…as I said do as much as you can to replace unknown with knowledge.