If my dc doesn't go on the y6 residential?

[cadburyegg]

Y6 residential coming up in the next few months- 2 nights away. At the moment ds1 is adamant he doesn't want to go, as he doesn't want to be away from me. He's always been quite anxious, but has got a lot better as he's got older. He is used to staying away from me as he stays with his dad EOW but he would still rather stay with me. He has never been on a sleepover at another child's house nor had one at ours, he has no interest in doing so.

I am going to try and encourage him to go as much as I can, talk to him about the activities (which I know he would love) but I'm not going to force him. There is a lot of talk amongst other parents in the class WA group about getting their kids ready for staying away, with some other parents planning on booking hotels nearby so their child can stay with them at night then still do the activities during the day. This would be the best option for ds1 I think but I have looked and the cheapest hotel would still be £250+ which isn't really affordable when the cost of the residential is £240 as it is.

I would also need to take 3 days holiday from work which would also be tricky as that is right at the end of my leave year. And there is ds2 to consider - he'd have to stay with my mum for 3 nights which would be disruptive to him and a lot to put on my mum. Basically me staying away with him just isn't an option.

But I keep hearing all about the experience and how amazing it will be for the kids and how awful it will be for the 1/2 kids (out of the year group of 60) who stay behind and stay in a different class.

I just don't see how I can make it work. AIBU if ds1 just doesn't go, assuming he doesn't change his mind?

If he doesn't want to go, don't make him go. Children (like adults) benefit from doing things that make them anxious when they can ultimately enjoy those things - it's the experience of being rewarded for overcoming fears by having it turn out to be worth it to you or having your worries turn out to be unfounded that helps. But it doesn't work if they feel forced because they don't have that sense of "I'm going to be brave and choose to do the hard thing" and they're not going to be in a mindframe to enjoy it in the end.

Talk to him about adjustments/compromises that are within your means and power - picking him up early if he chooses to go, going only for one day and no nights, discussing specific sleeping arrangements with organizers, etc. The unknown is usually a big part of anxiety so you're doing right by giving him more info from youtube videos, and you can offer to ask detailed questions of the organizers if he has more questions. But beyond that it's ok to let him opt out.

Our middle 3 DC were adopted during their late primary years so they'd already gone through a lot of upheaval and change. One absolutely wasn't interested in going on residentials until secondary school and we supported them in that. Establishing a sense of security and empowerment was what helped with the anxiety.

Why doesn’t he do a couple of nights at your Mum’s to build a bit of independence rather than DS2 going to stay there?

Some children just aren’t ready for this kind of trip, I think it’s a shame if they don’t go though. My daughter got a lot out of her y6 residential trip. Not just the activities but the independence and experience being away from home.

The parents planning to stay in nearby hotels so their children can stay overnight with them are bonkers tbh and missing the point of a huge part of these trips. My MIL is a retired year 6 teacher and she would be livid at these parents.

That sounds like a hell of a lot of mollycoddly parents. Our school would not allow kids to go stay off site and come to do activities, I highly doubt any school would allow that as the school is responsible for them whilst away on the residential. I can't imagine any parent wanting to do that with an 11 year old to be honest they are nearing senior school. The whole point is it's experience away from the family, team building, resilience ect. It's only two nights! Our kids go for 5 days. We have an overnight trip for year twos as well.

Oh god, please don’t go and stay in a hotel. That’s ridiculous.
If you can’t get him want to go then he’ll
have to stay at home.
In my experience it is a very wonderful experience for the children, I’ve never taken a child on a residential that didn’t have a fantastic time.
Is all the rest of the year group going? For he know what will happen at school if he doesn’t go. At my school he’d have been the only one not going and would have been stuck at school on his own messing about in the year group below.

How does he know he won’t enjoy it if he hasn’t tried it would be my comment.

If he doesn’t want to go then don’t send him.

I was quite a clingy child and I went on a 4 night residential in year 6. I missed my mum so much and cried most days. I look back on it now (25 years later) as being an awful experience. I still became an independent person eventually!

I can just imagine the look on my child’s face if I had said would be staying in a nearby hotel on the year 6 residential. They are 11 for goodness sake, most of them are just aching for a bit of healthy independence from parents.

The parents planning hotels are not helping!
I would host a sleepover and try and arrange something to test the water beforehand. It’s usually so much fun, the kids love the bonding experience and activities. With most things I just talk positively about the experience to encourage DC and reassure them and they’ve always enjoyed these new adventures.

Let him stay home.

i absolutely would not be letting my child go on a residential. This is how a family member of mine ended up being abused by a teacher!

Absolutely, I wonder if these parents are the ones who walk their kids half way to school still in year 7. Absolute cringe on behalf of those kids. We have these parents (I work at a school) they make thier children anxious by keeping them in a bubble. It is very damaging.

If he doesnt want to go then that’s fine, it is optional, but if he does want to go then I think the hotel idea is absolutely bonkers. The whole point of the residential is that it is RESIDENTIAL, you sleep there!

I have taken loads of kids on residential and have never had to send one home because they were distraught. If it is the first time they have been away it is a hugely empowering event, staying with people you know, ( classmates and teachers) so much more secure atmosphere than private PGL type holidays.

It’s a shame schools don’t prepare children more , at my old school we used to do movie night sleep overs. Children went home on a Friday, then came back to school at about 6, had pizza , a movie night, hot chocolate and a sleep over in sleeping bags on the classroom floor, pick up at 8.00 the next morning after a cereal and toast breakfast. We did them from Y3 onwards. Same for Y4. Y5 went to a local camp site for two nights and Y6 to an activity centre for four nights. Advantage was that the first three were dirt cheap so everyone had the opportunity to take part.

Hard work, but the kids really do get a lot out of the experience.

Please don’t do the hotel thing. If he doesn’t want to go, then fine, he doesn’t have to go. But parents staying nearby so their DC (assuming NT DC), can sleep with them at night? 😳 I’ve never heard of that happening and there would surely be a lot of gossiping and teasing about DC that go back to the hotels with their mum for the night. DD would have died of embarrassment if I’d suggested such a thing.

We had that on a Rainbows trip (1 night away, year 1 and year 2 age), we encouraged parents to say goodbye to their daughters at the guides hut then we walked them onto the bus. 1 mum ran into the bus just as we were about to close doors, wailing and crying about how much she would miss her, with the daughter comforting her mum 'its ok, i will be back tomorrow' another running behind the bus.
Out of 30 5 and 6 year olds we had zero tears, zero homesickness.

This talk of staying in hotels is beyond ridiculous for year 6's. We wouldn't have allowed it for year 1 age, it's really unhelpful.

Can you suggest he goes and tries the first night and if he hates it/is very very homesick could you go and pick him up after day 2 activities?
My child was extremely nervous/anxious in the lead up to residential but on the day went without any issues and absolutely loved it! The School were excellent at showing them photos of where they were staying, giving them menus and asking which children they’d like to share with. We did additional research looking at the website as this has helped fear of the unknown with other anxieties.
If all else fails I wouldn’t force him, there will be other times and as the parent of an anxious child I know it’s not worth the upset.

My sons large primary school had several options for the year 6 residential. A one night trip to a forest school, or the full PGL 4 night experience. There was also the option for a one day trip to the forest school. It worked so well, as every child was involved. For those like my son who did the one night trip, once he returned to school they did fun activities all week. With the COL crisis it was well received by parents as not every one can afford the full PGL experience. If your child doesn't want to go, I wouldn't worry. They'll be plenty of experiences at secondary school.

Our school goes from Y4 to other countries ! I'm surprised a Y6 isn't able to do this?

I never went on mine and I had no regrets. I had extreme phobia of people vomiting so coach trips were just a no for me. This was back in the day when school took you away for a week.

I happily went into the younger year groups and helped out fo the week.

I wasn't ready until I was about 14 to stay away from home. I'm glad my mum didn't push it

I agree. If kids really don't want to go then that's fine, but booking a hotel nearby is beyond ridiculous. No wonder kids are lacking in resilience. I would have been mortified if my parents had suggested such a thing.

I think it depends on your dc.

With ds, he did not (and actually does not) particularly like being away from home. But I was also aware that he can be a total home-bod and never want to go away. So I encouraged him to go, and he did enjoy it.
If he'd been happy to be away but didn't fancy that trip, then I'd have happily kept him off.

But it is a bonding experience, so you can expect him to feel left out of conversations etc.

In one of my girl's year, there was one girl who swore she did not want to go until the Friday before and changed her mind - and absolutely loved it. So it does happen that way round.

I feel a little sad reading all the comments against parents staying in a hotel close by.

When our DS2 was in Year 7, he suddenly developed epilepsy & seizures a few weeks before the week-long residential trip abroad. He wasn't far enough along to receive medication (he does now) & we didn't feel comfortable being so far away from him should something happen. So we stayed in an Air B&B in the area & had our own little holiday - he stayed with the school as planned, but we transported him there & back & he had fewer nights, as we couldn't get so much annual leave.

It might seem extreme, but we ran it by the school first & they agreed enthusiastically that this was the best course of action all round.

I wouldn’t worry if he doesn’t want to go, at ours they normally have around 10 that don’t go and they get to do lots of activities both in and out of school. Definitely don’t book a hotel nearby!

Luckily my DC had been on a couple of residentials with clubs/church. It was a bit further away for the Yr6 trip as it was Yorkshire. They had great fun though.

There were some kids who didn't go. In DCs primary the classes were Yr5, Yr5/6 and Yr6 so the Yr5 aged kids had an activity week while the Y6s were away. When my own DC was a Yr5 there were some excellent activities, some of which I helped with. One element was selling art work they had made at a little fair. There was a prize for best art work done during a trip to a birds of prey/falconry place. I was helper at this - one of the winners was a Yr6.

I don't think anyone felt left out. It was really well organised

The other parents aren't helping your obvious anxiety, they go or they don't as far as i would be concerned! If they do t go the school will accommodate them either in a year 5 class or "helping" around the school (dd1 "helped" in the school office when she couldn't go on a trip due to her asd and blackouts, it was water sports which was a no for obvious reasons)

I went on a residential in year 7 and hated it. In year 9 I didn't go and so pleased I didn't.