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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If my dc doesn't go on the y6 residential?

189 replies

cadburyegg · 11/03/2025 17:24

Y6 residential coming up in the next few months- 2 nights away. At the moment ds1 is adamant he doesn't want to go, as he doesn't want to be away from me. He's always been quite anxious, but has got a lot better as he's got older. He is used to staying away from me as he stays with his dad EOW but he would still rather stay with me. He has never been on a sleepover at another child's house nor had one at ours, he has no interest in doing so.

I am going to try and encourage him to go as much as I can, talk to him about the activities (which I know he would love) but I'm not going to force him. There is a lot of talk amongst other parents in the class WA group about getting their kids ready for staying away, with some other parents planning on booking hotels nearby so their child can stay with them at night then still do the activities during the day. This would be the best option for ds1 I think but I have looked and the cheapest hotel would still be £250+ which isn't really affordable when the cost of the residential is £240 as it is.

I would also need to take 3 days holiday from work which would also be tricky as that is right at the end of my leave year. And there is ds2 to consider - he'd have to stay with my mum for 3 nights which would be disruptive to him and a lot to put on my mum. Basically me staying away with him just isn't an option.

But I keep hearing all about the experience and how amazing it will be for the kids and how awful it will be for the 1/2 kids (out of the year group of 60) who stay behind and stay in a different class.

I just don't see how I can make it work. AIBU if ds1 just doesn't go, assuming he doesn't change his mind?

OP posts:
IdaGlossop · 11/03/2025 18:42

Mischance · 11/03/2025 18:36

Half the fun of a residential is messing about in the dorm! - a bit like company away weekends only less sex! 😬

At 11, we must all hope absolutely no sex 🙄

sherbertcandy · 11/03/2025 18:43

Try to get a teacher to talk to him. My two boys loved it, they came back very tired and smelly but thoroughly enjoyed it

Ablondiebutagoody · 11/03/2025 18:44

The other parents sound totally OTT so I can see why their kids are "anxious". Lurking in a hotel nearby is nuts. I've done loads of residentials from y4 upwards and literally no parent has ever done that. Did have one mum running after the bus as it left school though, banging on the windows wanting her baby back.

The only times there was an option for a parent to pick up was related to severe behavioural problems that the teachers couldn't be expected to deal with 24/7.

OkTrueBlue · 11/03/2025 18:44

Agree with pp. There’s an absolutely massive problem with resilience in kids and this is part of it. Hotels? Insanity!

Londondreamer · 11/03/2025 18:45

My son didn't want to go. I thought it would be good for him and cajoled him to go, saying it would be fun etc.
He hated it. I remember picking him up afterwards and the look on his face :(
The teacher said " I don't think he has had a very good time I'm afraid. "
I shouldn't have persuaded him.

RunSlowTalkFast · 11/03/2025 18:46

My DD is in year 6 and her residential is about 15-20 minutes from the school, seemingly largely to allow parents to drop off/pick up every morning and evening if their kids don't want to stay overnight, I was so confused, they're in year 6 and have been sleeping over at each others houses for years haven't they.... apparently not!

Hoppinggreen · 11/03/2025 18:48

He either goes or doesn't go, whichever he prefers. DS would have refused to go but there wasn't one due to Covid while DD loved hers.
All this staying in a nearby hotel business is nuts though, I have never heard of parents doing that.

Hazel665 · 11/03/2025 18:49

If he doesn't want to go, then I see absolutely no mileage in forcing him. Not everyone enjoys these things, and it really doesn't matter.

Don't worry about it, and don't let him worry about it. As you say, there will be one or two others who don't go, and that is fine too.

9fthighfence · 11/03/2025 18:49

My son was equally anxious. No sleepovers either. We made him do the 5 day residential and it did him SO MUCH GOOD. His anxiety was massively reduced afterwards and he was so much more confident. No regrets here whatsoever.

Poonu · 11/03/2025 18:50

If he is really upset the school will call you.
I would encourage you to build resilience.

19lottie82 · 11/03/2025 18:50

Is everything ok at school? I refused to go in mine at the same age because I was being bullied.

mewkins · 11/03/2025 18:52

I was that child! I ended up going and (mostly) enjoying it. But literally the whole class went.

Could you go from the default position of 'ok you don't have to go' and see if HE changes his mind as it gets closer?

Firenzeflower · 11/03/2025 18:53

Loads of kids don’t go for a variety of reasons. Respect his decision and maybe organise a day out with him one weekend. Do something together like an outward bounds course.
My dd who didn’t go on the year 6 trip has just got back from travelling around Asia alone.

IdaGlossop · 11/03/2025 18:55

Ablondiebutagoody · 11/03/2025 18:44

The other parents sound totally OTT so I can see why their kids are "anxious". Lurking in a hotel nearby is nuts. I've done loads of residentials from y4 upwards and literally no parent has ever done that. Did have one mum running after the bus as it left school though, banging on the windows wanting her baby back.

The only times there was an option for a parent to pick up was related to severe behavioural problems that the teachers couldn't be expected to deal with 24/7.

Severe behavioural problems. Thank-you for reminding me of the incident at my DD's two-night residential. A boy lay down on a zebra crossing on the main road of a popular village in a national park, stopping the traffic in both directions. As he refused to move, two teachers had to carry him from the zebra crossing to the pavement. School phoned the parents, asking them to collect him that day, citing the behaviour policy issued with the trip joining instructions. The parents initially refused go fetch their son, arguing that they had paid for the trip and that their son's behaviour was not unreasonable. Of all the many reasons I would not advise anyone to go into teaching at the moment, parental behaviour is at the top of the list.

lalaloopyhead · 11/03/2025 18:57

Staying an a nearby hotel is madness and I am amazed that any school allows this tbh. 1 of my 3 dds didn't go and there was a group that didn't for various reasons.
DD was quite anxious but also wouldn't have enjoyed the activities (hates swimming/water activities) so it was an easy decision for her.

Cakeandusername · 11/03/2025 18:58

Go or not.
Unless there’s serious additional needs the parents staying nearby is bonkers.
We did a recent girl guiding trip and a mum told her child she was coming nearby (we were miles away) and was constantly messaging. Child was fine. It was an optional trip if you are that anxious don’t send them.

FaeFae · 11/03/2025 18:59

Adding that at the Y6 leavers assembly, the absolute agreed best school memory is nearly always their Y6 residential. My DC’s assemblies were full of the fun stories.
An amazing experience, including confidence, team building, problem solving, resilience, challenge and a sense of success. Everything we want for our children.

@cadburyegg i would work hard from now, with him, to support him in small steps, to get there. Sleepovers, attending hobbies, a visit to see the centre. Locally could he have a go at one or two similar activities so that these are more familiar.

Y6 residential is such an opportunity.

Differentstarts · 11/03/2025 18:59

I know everyone is saying don't force him but is this a bit of the problem with the world right now of oh I can't do that it makes me anxious. No it makes you nervous which is a completely normal emotion to feel when doing something new. The more people step out of their comfort zones the more confidence they get. The more people let them get away without doing things the more they will struggle to do thing. People seem to have forgot that it's important to feel emotions this is normal. You can't escape life.

LincolnLegends · 11/03/2025 19:00

There are always children who don't go on the school residentials and depending on if any TAs are not going for their year group they do group work with them based on the trips' activities or go into another class. Sometimes that class is lower down the school and they get to help out the little ones.

We have had children not go for religious reasons, one set of twins because one of them had medical needs and couldn't go and the parents made the decision for the healthy child not to be advantaged by going on the trip and some children who just didn't want to go.

You could always take him yourself over summer to do the things the school will cover. I wouldn't push him, he doesn't want to do it and I bet he isn't the only one. You could always take him out of school for the duration of the trip too. Up to you.

Most trips go swimmingly but other times there are behavioural issues that play into it. Some were outright dangerous and the children had to be collected by the parents who were not pleased about driving hours to collect their out of control children.

TheFormidableMrsC · 11/03/2025 19:01

I work in a school, lots of kids don't go. It's not an issue at all. They have a fun few days with lots of activities. It's not for every child, not every parent can afford it either. If he doesn't want to go, I wouldn't worry at all. He'll also have an other opportunity in Year 7.

JMSA · 11/03/2025 19:01

I've worked in upper primary and secondary. The kids talk about their residentials for YEARS after. Most absolutely love it, even those who didn't expect to.
I'm sorry, but any parent who doesn't prepare their kids for stuff like this is doing them a disservice.

justasmalltownmum · 11/03/2025 19:01

Our school would absolutely not allow the hotel idea. If they are going to go - then they are the teachers responsibility.

JMSA · 11/03/2025 19:02

ExtraOnions · 11/03/2025 17:33

Booking a hotel nearby ?? These kids are off to High School soon, they’ll need a bit more resilience than that.

Ridiculous, isn't it?

Julen7 · 11/03/2025 19:02

Differentstarts · 11/03/2025 18:59

I know everyone is saying don't force him but is this a bit of the problem with the world right now of oh I can't do that it makes me anxious. No it makes you nervous which is a completely normal emotion to feel when doing something new. The more people step out of their comfort zones the more confidence they get. The more people let them get away without doing things the more they will struggle to do thing. People seem to have forgot that it's important to feel emotions this is normal. You can't escape life.

This.

Hoppinggreen · 11/03/2025 19:05

Londondreamer · 11/03/2025 18:45

My son didn't want to go. I thought it would be good for him and cajoled him to go, saying it would be fun etc.
He hated it. I remember picking him up afterwards and the look on his face :(
The teacher said " I don't think he has had a very good time I'm afraid. "
I shouldn't have persuaded him.

This was DS on his Y4 one
No tears, no drama just hated it. He had done as asked and even had a bit of fun but when I collected him he said he was glad it was over
The Head agreed that he shouldn't really have gone.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't enjoy it but DH said I was "projecting" and he would love it when he got there.