If my dc doesn't go on the y6 residential?

[cadburyegg]

Y6 residential coming up in the next few months- 2 nights away. At the moment ds1 is adamant he doesn't want to go, as he doesn't want to be away from me. He's always been quite anxious, but has got a lot better as he's got older. He is used to staying away from me as he stays with his dad EOW but he would still rather stay with me. He has never been on a sleepover at another child's house nor had one at ours, he has no interest in doing so.

I am going to try and encourage him to go as much as I can, talk to him about the activities (which I know he would love) but I'm not going to force him. There is a lot of talk amongst other parents in the class WA group about getting their kids ready for staying away, with some other parents planning on booking hotels nearby so their child can stay with them at night then still do the activities during the day. This would be the best option for ds1 I think but I have looked and the cheapest hotel would still be £250+ which isn't really affordable when the cost of the residential is £240 as it is.

I would also need to take 3 days holiday from work which would also be tricky as that is right at the end of my leave year. And there is ds2 to consider - he'd have to stay with my mum for 3 nights which would be disruptive to him and a lot to put on my mum. Basically me staying away with him just isn't an option.

But I keep hearing all about the experience and how amazing it will be for the kids and how awful it will be for the 1/2 kids (out of the year group of 60) who stay behind and stay in a different class.

I just don't see how I can make it work. AIBU if ds1 just doesn't go, assuming he doesn't change his mind?

Exactly my approach.

Parents staying at nearby hotels? wtf? That’s just bizarre and no way would our school allow the children to come and go like that. That’s so strange. They either go or they don’t.

Don't send him. I didn't send my DS as he didn't want to go. He's now at university and this trip/lack thereof is completely irrelevant. IMO you need to parent the child in front of you, with your own skills/logic/insight - not some idealised or standard child that society/the school thinks you have.

You definitely need to be talking it up positively, assuming he’s going etc. although i can see you wouldn’t want to force him.

What strikes me as odd is a significant proportion of the year group are not going or having special arrangements? In our schools the children are going away for a night or two from Y3. Not going is very unusual and parents definitely don’t book hotels. by Y6 there’s an optional week-long trip (as well as an 4 night residential) and it’s hugely oversubscribed.

There’s a bit of me that thinks the booking a hotel re- enforces the idea that the residential is a scary thing. Either go or don’t, but creating a big thing about it and booking a hotel seems madness to me.

I think as your DS is clear, then he should not go. A pity, use the move to a new school in year 7 to try to build up some resilience so he does not continue in later school years never wanting to be away from family under any circumstances.

The parents staying in nearby hotels (unless SEN) have real issues and I am glad I know of no-one who would ever have done such a thing.

Way to show you have no concept of Sen 🙄

I can't believe the parents are allowed to do that either. What a faff! I would take that option straight off the table - even if it worked for you logistically it's just a bit silly (unless medical needs etc of course)

I think he's old enough to know his own mind. Can you take some of the £240 you'll save and take your kids to do something super fun with it? Rock climbing or kayaking or something they'd be doing while they're away?

Two kids in my daughter's class didn't go to their P7 trip (I'm in Scotland) and I can't even remember who they were. It didn't matter 'except' I raised it with the PTA in case it was financial reasons which we could have helped with.

My daughter has anxiety and it's hard to figure out when I should push and when I should let her decide so I understand the issue. But I think this is something you can miss if he's not keen as it's so many days away and a big problem if he's needs to leave halfway through.

The hotel idea is madness. Your DS either goes or not. If he is adamant not, then you still take him into school and they have to make provision. He doesn’t get time off instead, but you don’t have to try and force him.

We have to pay a deposit by the end of this month then the full amount by the end of July. The trip is in September. I don’t mind losing the deposit if he doesn’t go so there’s still several months to decide. I just don’t think he will change his mind. I am going to big up the activities, I’ve found some YT videos about where they are going. I have every intention of paying the deposit and encouraging him as much as I can. He does love the kind of activity they would be doing.

But I won’t be forcing him to go. I don’t believe resilience is taught by forcing children to do things that they aren’t ready for. Residentials weren’t offered at my primary school but I did a PGL holiday when I was 12 and hated it, I was so homesick but I also didn’t enjoy the activities. I was fine a few years later for a GCSE trip. I’ve grown up into a very independent adult.

He has some lovely close friends, I am not sure if they are going, I’m assuming so.

It is 2 hours away, a 200 mile round trip so not possible to drive him there daily. I could get there in an emergency.

The children who stay behind get integrated into the y5 classes, although I suppose if there were more than a few of them then they’d have to make other arrangements.

I feel much better about not staying nearby with him now! I was feeling guilty about ruling out that option because it seems quite a popular one!

DS2 didn't do his year 6 residential. He's always been a homebody and we'd not long come out of lockdown and we'd lost my mum only a couple of months previously. There were quite a few that didn't go and they had a great time doing stuff in school. One of the teachers mentioned that he'd flourished in a smaller group.
He did go on his year 8 residential though and enjoyed it. I don't think they need to be encouraged or pushed into going if it's not their thing.
And there's no way the school would have allowed them to leave overnight except in exceptional circumstances. You either went and stayed, or didn't go.

Have they not done residentials before? DC's school did them from Y3. He also went on cub camp from that age

I think the staying in hotels is ridiculous, and probably very much fuelled by the parents rather than the DC, unless SEND or medical need is involved.

Before DS did his first cub camp he did a sleepover with his best friend, who would also be on cub camp, so they could get used to sleeping away from home. is there any particular friend you could trial this with?

I assume you would have had to start doing payments for the trip soon

Is he nervous to stay away or to leave you alone?
tbh it’s not unusual for a child not to have slept away from home yet.
I think it’s incredibly sad to miss out- and those hotel parents sound crazy and if I was the school I would say they either come and stay or don’t go.

"some other parents planning on booking hotels nearby so their child can stay with them at night then still do the activities during the day"
Wowsers. Even for a SEN child..........unless there is a specific need/medical need........that seems OTT to me.

My DS was like yours OP then decided he would go. He hated it so much and was so homesick that he has never wanted to stay away from home since, it has totally put him off! I regret encouraging him but felt it was the right thing to do at the time. I wouldn't feel guilty with whatever he decides.

I'd let him choose whether or not he wants to go but definitely wouldn't book a hotel nearby.

@cadburyegg is he currently in Y5, so has 6 months to go? A lot can change in that time

For comparison, in the 80s our year group went on a PGL trip when I was that age. 150 miles away. 7 days full of caving, horse riding, climbing, abseiling, orienteering, canoeing, windsurfing, sailing.

Various SEN kids in the class (including me) Zero parents stayed in hotels nearby.

Staying in hotels? Absolute wankery.

I think it’s a shame for him to miss it, I still remember my own in year 6 and it was very coming of age ee and we also discussed it a lot afterwards, I think he should go and just have a plan B where you pick him up if necessary.
parents staying nearby in hotels is madness

with some other parents planning on booking hotels nearby so their child can stay with them at night - I am mind-boggled about this - talk about cosseting!

If your DS does not want to go then don't send him.

Staying in a hotel and taking days off work seems batshit to me, they either go or they don't. Their education/friendships won't be affected.

Half the fun of a residential is messing about in the dorm! - a bit like company away weekends only less sex! 😬

I don't understand parents staying in hotels, to be perfectly honest. That seems ludicrous. Part of the experience is staying away from home! If a child doesn't want the whole package, then they don't go. It's a simple choice of your son going on the trip or not going. If your son is absolutely adamant he doesn't want to go, then don't feel bad, there's nothing to feel bad about! My son initially didn't want to go on his residential trip in Year 6, I persuaded him to go, as I thought it would be a good experience for him. He ended up bunked with two children, that his teacher thought would be tolerated by my son, far more easily than others. One child kept the other three awake most nights, talking and being silly. The food portion sizes were small, and my son found he was hungry. The shower had no hot water for the duration. Some of the activities he liked but when I picked him up from school after the trip, he'd lost his voice and was more than pissed off!!! After he came home, he ate, had a shower and went to bed!!! 😬 I felt like the worst Mum in the world for persuading him to go!!!! It's not something that all children find a positive experience!!!

Does DS1 have good friends at school? Schools usually give pupils the opportunity to say who they would like to share with. Would it reassure DS1 to know you could collect him if he really wanted to come home? As you know he would enjoy the activities, it would be a shame for him to regret not going when he heard others talking about what a great time they had had.

Your circumstances apart, I do feel I have stepped into a parallel universe. Half the class don't want to go? Parents staying in hotels? How are these parents going to cope when their 18+-year olds leave home? They are forgetting that the core job of parenting is to create independent adults from dependent children. Or perhaps they never remembered.