Would you go to a 'wedding' if you knew they were already married?

[BlackCube]

Just want to be realistic about this.

We are getting married in a registry office next week, just us two, and we haven't announced this to anyone. We've been together so long, own a house together, two kids, etc, that it is more of a formality than a great declaration that we plan to spend the rest of our lives together - I think at this stage everyone knows that's the plan 😄

I absolutely don't want to have a proper wedding (it's just not for me or DP) but we have considered maybe next year throwing a big party to let everyone know. It wouldn't be a fancy dress-up affair - maybe more like a big birthday party. Obviously it's a very loose idea in our minds still so no details, but we'd try our best to make it a fun well-catered party. Kids very much invited.

If we didn't have a party we'd probably never bring the matter up tbh. Is it a silly idea? Would you travel to attend a party that you knew wasn't an actual wedding?

P.S. No we wouldn't do this to get presents, no presents would be expected. Just to get rid of the 'secrecy' and to hopefully have a good day with friends and family without the performance elements of an actual wedding.

I agree, I also don't understand the mindset. If you don't like the idea of a big wedding and lots of fuss then surely you are the type who doesn't like the idea of throwing a big party either? You could just as well have a very small, low key wedding with a laid back lunch in a nice gastro pub afterwards and that would be much less 'performative fuss' than a big party would be.

I enjoy a wedding but I can take or leave big parties. I wouldn't feel particularly inclined to travel far to attend a party full of people I might not know, if there wasn't even a lovely wedding invitation attached to it.

My friend got married in secret. The next time they had a party, it was actually a birthday, they just announced that they had married on X date.

Of course! A good friend did this. I went to her wedding. Made no difference at all :).

A lot of marriages have to be done quickly due to things like visas and perhaps even pregnancies (mumsnet wisdom is you should be married before giving birth). I would also prefer to be married before buying a home together and would prioritize that above a big wedding. And after you move into your first home you probably are quite skint and may need to do renovations so a year may give you some financial leeway while paying for works and replenishing buffer.

But all these practical concerns to just have a simple registry wedding and then get on with life may not mean that the couple doesn't want a nice wedding with all the hoopla. They just can't do it all in one go esp if parents are paying zilch. My sister in law is in this position now, her mother is pressuring her to have her wedding in August when she is cleaning homes (despite having a masters degree)and her fiancee just landed a job, they recently moved to her fiancé's country and they are living with fiancé's parents. They have one million things to worry about and sort out other than a religious wedding (which would need a rabbi and dancing and probably kosher food- all of which costs more than you think even if you make it simple). I think since they so desperately want to be married they should just do the registry wedding, sort out their lives and then do the religious part when they are more settled, less stressed and have more savings. Obviously I think neither side is going to help.

I did it to the extreme though, I bought a flat before I had my wedding which took years and then got delahed by the pandemic. I had to get married in early 20s so we could stay in the same country and my sister in law luckily doesn't have that issue as an eu citizen.

Nope.

Do you plan to tell the invitees that you've been married for quite some time? If so, why not just have an anniversary party?

If you plan to hoodwink them into believing they're actually witnessing an authentic wedding ceremony, that would be reprehensible. I know of two similar shams that permanently broke up families and friendships.

OP - what a great idea. I wish more people would split off the actual ceremony (church or elsewhere) from the party aspect of weddings. It would reduce the stress and expectations quite dramatically!

Just think - all the lovely fun of a big party (dressing up, nice venue, lovely food) without the stress of the actual ceremony, bridesmaids, moving between locations etc etc. You could still have a photographer to mingle and take lovely photos - but much more informally.

That’s only me but I’m more likely to come to a party to celebrate with you than the proper formal wedding (in parts quite boring frankly)

I would attend any party for any reason : )

I think it’s quite common now. I’ve been to 3 weddings where the couple are already married and we’re going another this year, a vow renewal as the couple missed out on their planned wedding due to COVID.

We actually got legally married recently and our wedding is in the summer. Wed always planned to do the legal ceremony separately a few days after as our venue isn’t approved but brought our ceremony forwards so we could include a close relative who was sadly dying.

We’ve still sent save the dates and invites (before we changed our legal ceremony timing) and framed it as a celebration of our commitment so people weren’t misled. We’re doing a celebrant led ceremony on the day, exchanging rings with vows we’ve written. If people dont want to come, they don’t have to - it’s their loss (and our saving, weddings are expensive!).

yes, i get your example but that's completely different to what the op is saying

( and why is you presumably adult SIL being told by her mother when/ how to get married?)

I would go.
Give me an excuse to buy and wear a new outfit!

@Mightymoog She said it’s not a fancy dressed up affair, more like a big birthday party. The stressful parts of a wedding is the formality and the gift buying, and keeping my kids under control during what (to them) is a long and dull church service. If it’s just like a big birthday party it’s just a case of throw on something I already (that’s probably more comfortable than formal attire) and go.

When I read your post title, my reaction was no because I wouldn't want to go to a ceremony that was a sham. But that's not what you're talking about and I would definitely be really happy to go to a party to celebrate a friends marriage. I just don't like when people are pretending that you are attending their marriage when they have already got married the week before.

I think this sounds like a lovely idea! Send a picture of the two of you on your wedding day as the invitation and just say, we got married! Come celebrate with us!

Agree, as long as people are being honest.

It still feels a bit twee, though. If you are already living together, financially entwined, long-time committed, what the big celebration about? That ship sailed long ago. Why not just have ... a party ... with the pleasure of your guest in mind? And at some point someone can raise a glass and say "Let's congratulate Evan and Ella on their elopement!"

Well I mean that's kind of what we would do, but I feel people would be less likely to travel to a party if they think it's just a random party? I think my friends who live a fair distance away and people like my aunts would wonder why on earth I was inviting them if we just billed it as 'party for no particular reason'.

yes definitely , so long as you werent already married to someone completely different.

sorry, i still don't get it.
Just have a chilled out party immediately after the wedding.
a party is a party. Just because it has the word wedding before it doesn't make it any different

they'll be evn morebaffled as to why you're having what is essentially a wedding reception a year after the wedding

Haha maybe.

I absolutely would :)

I'm getting married next Thursday though, as I said, so it's too late for any contributions regarding our actual wedding. That's all sorted.

Yes please. Especially if you are upfront about it being a Not A Wedding Reception Party so please don't buy new clothes and please don't bring a present but please come and enjoy the party with us and bring a donation for the local Food Bank / RNLI / Air Ambulance

This is my thought why a year later??? It's odd

If you’re up-front about it, yes. We spent £100s and travelled the breadth of the country one August bank holiday weekend to attend a wedding, and when we got there, the groom casually mentioned they’d actually been married for a couple of months already.