Would you go to a 'wedding' if you knew they were already married?

[BlackCube]

Just want to be realistic about this.

We are getting married in a registry office next week, just us two, and we haven't announced this to anyone. We've been together so long, own a house together, two kids, etc, that it is more of a formality than a great declaration that we plan to spend the rest of our lives together - I think at this stage everyone knows that's the plan 😄

I absolutely don't want to have a proper wedding (it's just not for me or DP) but we have considered maybe next year throwing a big party to let everyone know. It wouldn't be a fancy dress-up affair - maybe more like a big birthday party. Obviously it's a very loose idea in our minds still so no details, but we'd try our best to make it a fun well-catered party. Kids very much invited.

If we didn't have a party we'd probably never bring the matter up tbh. Is it a silly idea? Would you travel to attend a party that you knew wasn't an actual wedding?

P.S. No we wouldn't do this to get presents, no presents would be expected. Just to get rid of the 'secrecy' and to hopefully have a good day with friends and family without the performance elements of an actual wedding.

Yes, very odd. I'm getting that 😄

Too odd to bother going?

The why is as I have already said, so we could have a summer party when summer 2025 is too busy already.

I mean, there is nothing wrong with throwing a big party for whatever reason you like.

But it's not a wedding, is it? It's just a party. I would get married, announce it straight away and then if you want a party next year, just crack on with that as a nice party in it's own right.

It's just a bit weird to throw a party and then announce that you got married an entire year ago.

I liked whoever suggested you make it a 1-year anniversary party.

My sister was married to a man who already had young adult children. One of the sons got engaged with great fanfare; my sister and her husband hosted a large and expensive engagement party.

Then they insisted on a destination wedding at an expensive resort where rooms/villas could only be booked by the week, so all attendees basically were committed to great expense and using a week's worth of annual leave. Then they booked a night-before dinner at an expensive venue and informed my BIL that "it is traditional for the groom's father to pay for this," at the end he was handed a bill for €3,000.

The next day was a large extravaganza wedding at which guests had been ordered to wear "earth tones" for the photography (we had some fun thinking of colours like "guano" and "dung beetle," etc.

Long story short it turned out they had already been married for eight months, but never told anyone. The hard feelings continue 10 years later, and some of the siblings who were financially strained by the whole ordeal still are not speaking. Really the only family member who still speaks to the groom is his father, my now-ex BIL, and fairly seldom. No one has met their two little girls and no one wants to.

Hoodwinking people into spending thousands to attend a sham is not on.

I guess the question is whether you just want to know that people will turn up, or whether you want them to truly want to be there? There are parties I've gone to out of a sense of obligation, and then there are parties I've gone to because I really wanted to go. The oddness of it been over a year after the wedding would put it in the first category for me I reckon, although I'd still go.

ETA - and you really can't find a single Saturday this year to have a party?

Too weird to bother attending?

I'm actually not asking if this is the normal way of doing things. I know it isn't.

I'm asking if you'd want to go if a friend or family member invited you.

You can say no, I'm fine with honest answers to the question I asked. We wouldn't bother organising a party if the concensus was that hardly anyone would come! And I wouldn't want people coming if they were going to be upset about how weird we were being.

Though from the thread I think a lot of people would come.

Yes, I'd want people to want to come, not feel obliged to come. That's what I'm asking!

What I'm getting from all the replies is:

• minority saying they'd be pissed off it's not a proper wedding
• majority saying they would go, but of those, most also saying something that indicates they're still expecting it to be a bit wedding-y. These aspects include dressing up, bride re-wearing wedding dress, lots of votes for small amount of time after actual wedding, etc.

What we did for the party we didn't end up having was work out guest list, venue, catering, entertainment etc. and then work out how to sell it to people. It was closer in time to the actual ceremony, so I think was perceived as 'the wedding', but what made it easier was probably the fact that it was a civil partnership not a marriage so maybe fewer specific expectations. Like you, OP, we don't really like being the centre of attention, formality etc., but as we started planning we realised we did need to include some of that. Specifically, talking to a really no-nonsense caterer made us realise how many of the conventions about what things you do in what order are actually about the logistics of catering for a large number of people. So we picked the aspects of weddings we liked (or could bear) and didn't have others. No white dresses, bridesmaids, first dance, formal photos etc. But yes to speeches only by people who wanted to do them (to be coordinated by maid-of-honour type friend), seating plan for practicality, waiting staff to coordinate buffet, live band.

If I were you, I'd probably issue an invitation that said something like 'we didn't have a wedding... so we're having a PARTY!' and pick the aspects of normal wedding receptions that work for you, like e.g. circulating an order for the day with timings. I'd probably also work out if I could make it be about other milestone occasions too, e.g. can you make a round number by adding up the ages of you, DP and the kids next year? I reckon I could get 100 if I include the dog.

Sorry if I've missed it in the thread, but are you planning to announce you got married at the party or in the invitation, or something else?

I think it would be cool to announce your marriage straight away, maybe send a message/photo to all the people you would invite to the party letting them know you're going to celebrate at a later date.

I would definitely want to celebrate your marriage, it wouldn't matter if you had already married quietly. This is the celebration of that and I would absolutely bring a present, don't be silly! I bet everyone will! Have your quiet preferred wedding then plan a lovely party OP 🙂

I got married last June. It was a small wedding (30 close family and friends) in a registry office and a lovely evening boat party. Small budget (3k) but I have already got plans for a blessing in 2029 on a 5th wedding anniversary because I want to have a bigger do next time and have the wedding of our dreams. (We married a year after meeting and that felt special but couldn't afford a big do as we hadn't saved). At the blessing we will have a celebrant and a photographer (we don't have professional pics of our wedding so want nice photos) and a lovely big party and a 2nd honeymoon!

Who makes up all the rules?!

Absolutely! We actually did this, small religious and legal ceremony at our church with just very close friends and family there, then a month later had our 'big' wedding, celebrant ceremony and reception. We had friends and family travelling internationally for the big day and wanted them to see a ceremony, also wanted everything at one venue without making anyone travel in between on the day. But still important to us to get married in the church and also didn't want to ask anyone that wasn't really close to travel twice (had some immediate family travelling from elsewhere in the UK who would definitely have wanted to be there), or to have non-religious friends that weren't very close having to sit through an hour long Mass. Both days worked out amazingly.

My best friend did similar to what you're suggesting, she had to downsize her originally planned wedding to just immediate family, me and DH as she was recovering from cancer. They then had a big party at the original venue the following year - no ceremony or traditional wedding outfits and just a beautiful day to celebrate their marriage. Both days were wonderful

I'm not going to go into all the ins and outs, but it wouldn't be possible to have any party before next Easter at the earliest and then you might as well do it in the summer for the weather - where we live it's never going to be very warm but with luck in mid summer it might be warm enough to sit outside without a coat.

So it's then or even later or not at all, because we are not cancelling our appointment at the registry office. It's taken us long enough to get round to it and we've already paid.

I do realise it is unusual to leave such a big gap even for people who leave a gap, but hopefully if we do this it won't be offensively unusual for the people who love us. I've had people calling me weird my whole life and it stopped bothering me after secondary school, but I have no desire to upset anyone.

Why are you waiting a year? I’d find it odd if you get married next week then have a party to celebrate the wedding/marriage next year! Unless you said it was a 1st anniversary party. I’d still go cos a party’s a party 😂

Of course. I've been to such weddings, it's quite common in my country to have registry office on one day, and church / whatever celebration + party on another day.
It's still celebrating the wedding, just with a bit of delay.

A little delay, when everyone is informed and it's a cultural tradition, is one thing. Expecting people to "celebrate" a wedding that has been a done deal for a year is a bit silly. That's why people have anniversary parties.

Why can't you just have an anniversary party? Or just a party?

Sure, we could call it that but it won't be our anniversary either.

I would be very disappointed to be invited to a 'wedding party', only then to find out it wasn't a wedding party at all. That's just me, 'cos I love a wedding. I'm always the one blubbing! 😂

I would be delighted to be invited to a party to celebrate with the couple that vows had already been made and they want a knees up to mark the historic event. I'd respect their choice to keep the actual wedding day private. I'd love to see them in their 'wedding gear' as their party clothes.

It's your party. Name it what you want, and do what you want, but if there is an element of doubt for the guests as to the purpose, don't be surprised or upset if it attracts comments you may not want to hear. That's all.

If you said that it was your wedding and it wasn't, I'd be annoyed, but if you clearly say that it's a party to celebrate that you got married on a previous date (and you don't need to have all the real formalwear) then fine.

Well it's not your wedding and it's not your anniversary so 🤷🏼‍♀️

Personally I'd feel a fool inviting people to "celebrate me, me, me!" over something that happened more than a year earlier, especially if we were already living together long before the private ceremony.

It would be like inviting people to celebrate the job promotion I got in 2023 or the house I bought years ago. What exactly is the point then?

Totally - and I would appreciate the openness and honesty around it. Come and have a party, we're already married this is just the celebration thing. Absolutely fine.

What I object to is the cloak and dagger sneaking to the register office, telling nobody, then expecting people to fork out to attend a "wedding" which isn't a wedding ay all, it's a pretendy fakey event. Even more offensive if the fakey wedding is overseas.

I'd probably go if it was local but I wouldn't travel or stay overnight for it. Like I probably wouldn't travel and stay overnight if I got an invitation to the evening do of a wedding.

The gap between you getting married and having a party would be a factor for me. Just seems odd to me. Either your marriage is something you want people to share in and celebrate with you, or you don't. Your friends and family are an afterthought.

Well it's not your wedding and it's not your anniversary so 🤷🏼‍♀️

That's what I said, isn't it? It's not either.

It would be a summer party to celebrate a marriage, which is not a wedding but which would take the place of a wedding since we don't want a wedding.

The point would be to hopefully have a nice day with friends and family and celebrate in a relaxed way at a time that suits us.

I wouldn't feel a fool but thank you for your opinion.

Fifteen months after the wedding? There's a limit to what people can get excited about, no matter how well they wish you.

Why not just have a fun summer party for the pleasure of your guests, with their enjoyment in mind instead of the spotlight on a private wedding where you didn't want any of these people to attend in the first place?

OK we're going round in circles. Thank you for your opinion, it is noted 👍