Found out fiancé is married to someone else

[limewonder]

Hi
I found out my DP of 4 years is married
The way I found out is his ex (not his wife, the one after her but before me) messaged me on facebook and told me as she’d seen our engagement post.

I’ve met his wife loads as they share kids (age 12&14 together). They split 9 years ago but apparently never sorted the divorce out.

Not sure what to make of this, i don’t know why he kept this from me. His excuse is that he forgot.? AIBU to demand he get a divorce or we’re over? I’m not even sure what his plan was here, marry me while still married to his ex?

Ok first of all, you're kinda making his ex sound like she's crazy. Like she didn't change her last name etc. Why would she, they're married, they haven't got a divorce and also that's the last name of her children. Secondly, it's a big deal but also, I'm not sure it changes anything practically. They're still not together, the actual marriage was very short and she lives far away. I could see why this would really put you off him though, I'd wonder what else has he "forgot" to tell you. And having this situation already in your early 30s isn't a good look, it wouldn't make me feel very secure. Maybe down the road he'll be telling others that your relationship was bad and only sees your kids every 6 weeks too.

You clearly seem to think it's amusing.

Have you seen 40 year old virgin?
haha seriously though, I totally get the not wanting to deal.

This is NOT a betrayal of trust - the point IS found out - what were you talkin about for 4 YEARS ? You are MORE to blame in this THAN anybody
> you DON`T have to be Columbo to work things out.

Obviously, not for this poster, as too late, but maybe for others?

What is wrong with doing everything the normal way? You meet, you date (no knobbing), you get engaged, you get married, then you have sex and children/or no children. For those of 'what if we are not sexually compatible' variety, I have this - 'one pole, one hole, they fancy the socks off each other, they will figure out what to do'.

I had a neighbour who's marriage was on a rocky path and they agreed to have some time apart. The husband bought her a house (next to mine) about an hour away from marital home on the excuse of it being closer to the kids school, would give them the space during the week but then would spend weekends with kids as they did motocross.... he then moved his mistress in and when she found out and confronted him he simply promised to maintain her lifestyle and as the mother of his children. He wouldn't take her off the will, or stop any money to her. She eventually accepted it, and they still have this incredible dynamic even though kids have all left home etc.

Even if he married the other woman, it wouldn't be legally recognised so think very carefully about what you want and your plan going forward.

He forgot he was married? I mean he is either a liar or an idiot. If he is still married you legally are in the sh*t if he dies, as she will be entitled to everything perhaps even including some of your assets. I cannot see how you can progress the relationship from here really. It’s a massive thing to lie about and a huge betrayal of trust.

I think you need to end your relationship with him,who's to say he won't do the same to you further down the line and "forget" he is with you.

What's a bot thread please?

Get you're finances separated if they are mingled. Take you're name of anything that you are jointly paying for if you have a joint bank account close it or take you're name off any passwords he knows for anything that concerns you both .

I think you need to reconsider the entire relationship.

He's at best completely feckless, and at worst a liar, a scofflaw, incorrigibly irresponsible. and someone who has no respect for you.

Yes to this.

Since no fault divorce was introduced, you can file for divorce on grounds of irretrievably breakdown of the marriage, and whether he consents or not he will find himself divorced.

It is a really good idea to tie up this loose end, from the pov of finances, credit issues, and next of kin issues.

Are you quite young? Have you been practicing writing Mrs 'Gertrude' Bigamistsurname?

You are not going to be able to adopt his last name because you cannot legally marry him.

The sharing of surnames with another woman is the least of your worries here.

He's a liar, and your confusion here and his attempt to make you believe this is not a big deal shows that he's a manipulative liar too.

He instigated divorce 15 years ago, paid the £500/£600 fee but wanted the divorce on his terms which made him the victim. He was a domestic abuser. The house was sold and profit split equally. Contact arrangements ended up in court for 4 years (he's a narcissist). We exchanged Form E's etc & the stumbling block was his pension - that's where he took his ball home and said via his solicitor that he was representing himself from that point. So I needed a barrister which I couldn't afford. That's the status quo as far as I'm aware.

Walk away. Do it. Now.

what part of this is good for you?

Isn't this BIGAMY?

not unless he actually marries the op. you can be engaged to as many people as you like.

So you looked up the mother of his children online, but couldn't find her because you were looking up under the wrong name? So who told you what her name was? So did your DP tell you her maiden name not her married name?
So he didn't tell you he was ever married to the mother of his children and so no need to talk of divorced because you didn't know he had been married. he claims he forgot (for 4 yrs)but when telling you her name he chose to give a maiden name which to me shows he was deliberately hiding the fact they married. No one forgets they married, the examples on here of people forgetting divorce is when they didn't get the decree absolute, which not everyone realise they need, this is different from not telling you he was ever married.
This man is a lier. You must know that there is no way he could of forgotten this, especially as a previous gf was also not informed he was married. He does this for a reason and that reason is he doesn't want to remarry, he wants a gf, and to keep you interested, after 4 yrs you get engaged, but tell me has he talked about when the wedding would be? No, Im pretty sure he would just string you along with a loooong engagement. Dump him he is using you.

He a lier!

Im confused. Did you not know they weren’t divorced or did you think they were never married?

Lots of people have the same surname as their husbands ex wife, most divorced women don’t change their surname back if they have kids unless they get married again, as they want to have the same name as their kids. I think YABU on that point. Also I would have made the assumption they were married if they had kids even if they were young.

I wouldn’t accept he forgot to tell me they were still married.

OP - he can change his name to yours.

Maybe then he'll actually remember he's married 😅

I can't believe you are asking if you are being unreasonable to demand he get a divorce or you are over. You are engaged to be married so what's the alternative? Bigamy, forever engaged?. Don't give him the choice, just go.