Found out fiancé is married to someone else

[limewonder]

Hi
I found out my DP of 4 years is married
The way I found out is his ex (not his wife, the one after her but before me) messaged me on facebook and told me as she’d seen our engagement post.

I’ve met his wife loads as they share kids (age 12&14 together). They split 9 years ago but apparently never sorted the divorce out.

Not sure what to make of this, i don’t know why he kept this from me. His excuse is that he forgot.? AIBU to demand he get a divorce or we’re over? I’m not even sure what his plan was here, marry me while still married to his ex?

He forgot to tell you he is still legally married? That’s what the said to you?

Do you own any property with him?

Hell of a thing to forget. It also means they are tied financially. If he dies intestate she gets everything and your joint finances may be taken into account for any financial order at this point.
He needs to divorce her. That's clear.
Whether or not you forgive this "forgetfulness" is up to you. Is this something he has form with ie forgetting important things? Do you think he's otherwise trustworthy?
My personal view is wait to see what he does from hereonin. Is he now taking initiative and booking appt with solicitor or applying for decree nisi? Or is he just shrugging shoulders going oops. If it seems genuine remorse and he's taking positive actions unprompted then maybe you can see how it goes. If he isn't really doing much then that tells you everything about him as a character

I’m not even sure what his plan was here, marry me while still married to his ex?

Wasn't this your very first question (after, is this true?!)?

How TF do you forget being married?!

Dump this liar.

I'd talk to his wife to see why they didn't divorce

but do you want to marry a man who doesn't take legal stuff seriously? That's the least sinister possibility here. I couldn't marry a man like that.

Do you have kids together?

Presumably you haven't been booking a wedding?

Divorce is very expensive and stressful no matter how amicable you are. Can see why they didn't bother, if no one else involved and they like each other.

I

He didn’t forget that he was still married. I’d be more insulted and annoyed by that shit excuse, than by him proposing while still already married in the first place. He really is insulting your intelligence there.

Hand the ring back, and tell him the engagement is off until he’s divorced.

I hope for your sake you haven’t merged finances or own any property with him.

AIBU to demand he get a divorce or we’re over? I’m not even sure what his plan was here, marry me while still married to his ex?

Unless he had intended to divorce before you actually get married? But yeahhhh, helluva thing to casually forget isn't it, being married and financially tied to someone else for richer, poorer...

LTB

He forgot to get a divorce during his last relationship too?

Agreed with looking at the financial implications and if your finances have mingled.

Plus what every you do do not have a baby with him untill he has sorted out his ability to be in a "full time" relationship with you.

I'm sorry OP, that is rubbish 😞
Don't let him gaslight you into thinking it's not that much of a big deal, it really is.

Oh the first half of this is not where I expected it to go!

Yeah I would be miffed but it appears you’re not TOW your fiancé is just lazy. How does his ex know he is not divorced - are they still in contact?

You’ve met his wife loads, she knows you’re engaged, but she didn’t think to mention to you that she’s still married to your DP either? It’s very strange set up OP, not one I’d want to be part of.

I’m not even sure what his plan was here

Op, forget his plan. What your plan? After 4 years you shouldn't even be giving him a chance to sort this. You should be dumping him and moving on with your life. At best he is extremely careless and doesn't care for your future. At worst he is stringing you along and just using you. Either way, he is not serious about you.

He didn’t forget. It would be over for me totally dealbreaker. You can’t be engaged and married. If he’s not sorted divorce I bet he’s not sorted his will, nominated you for his death in service/pension etc. If he dies wife get lot unless he’s sorted his affairs out.
I had a case as a trainee solicitor where bloke had never bothered divorcing his wife (they’d married and split up as teens) wife got everything when he died suddenly - his girlfriend of 20 plus years got nothing.

So when he proposed to you, it never crossed his mind that he was already married?
I think his excuse of "I forgot" is a steaming pile tbh.
Think of it as a sign...

If nothing else there are significant financial implications to not being divorced.

My ex could not get divorced fast enough but still managed to make a very expensive mess of it

This all sounds very bizarre

Don't be offended but did you both discuss getting engaged, were you putting pressure to get engaged or did he spontaneously propose?
He obviously did not forget he was already married but I am wondering if the engagement came quicker than he anticipated and was caught out.
I don't see how you can really be engaged now as it actually means engaged to be married but he already is.
Sorry you have an idiot BF at best.

I'm not sure I could trust someone who forgets to mention that! Did he propose to you?

🍩 YW

Do his kids know that you are engaged? Surely if they mentioned it to their mother, she would've pointed out that he can't legally get married as he is still married to her?! Is everybody hiding things here?!

And you just fell off the turnip truck. That’s really bad. I feel bad for you. He’s a POS