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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Found out fiancé is married to someone else

355 replies

limewonder · 10/03/2025 21:10

Hi
I found out my DP of 4 years is married
The way I found out is his ex (not his wife, the one after her but before me) messaged me on facebook and told me as she’d seen our engagement post.

I’ve met his wife loads as they share kids (age 12&14 together). They split 9 years ago but apparently never sorted the divorce out.

Not sure what to make of this, i don’t know why he kept this from me. His excuse is that he forgot.? AIBU to demand he get a divorce or we’re over? I’m not even sure what his plan was here, marry me while still married to his ex?

OP posts:
RatedDoingMagic · 12/03/2025 00:25

His "plan" is to string you along. Keep you quiet with an engagement ring but never ever marry you.

He didn't "forget", he just didn't want to draw your attention to it.

If you are happy to be a casual girlfriend to whom he has no commitments, if you are happy to build your life independently knowing that you can't rely on him, he isn't a "partner" but just a fun person to spend time with and have sex with, then crack on. That's the maximum you'll be getting from him.

If that wouldn't be enough for you then you need a different man. This one is not for you.

Bowies · 12/03/2025 02:13

This must feel like such a total betrayal of trust. Which I think it is personally.

Your updates with his reasons (I never wanted to get married I got pushed into - ergo it doesn’t count) are nails in the coffin of any possibility of a future. He self justifying and doesn’t take responsibility then or now.

The red flags are flying at least you found out before he committed bigamy and you got pregnant,

Absolute bullshit that he didn’t remember he’d been married before (to the mother of his DC) when he was proposing marriage?!

It is common however for the (ex)wife to continue to use her married name even after divorce - they share the name with their DC.

🚩 🚩🚩

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 12/03/2025 03:13

Bog2 · 11/03/2025 18:05

I am a family solicitor and I am not surprised that somebody forgot they had never got divorced. It is surprisingly common. I agree that this potentially affects his financial situation and you should make sure it that that has been resolved before you marry him whether or not you still want to marry him. Depends on whether you still love him and see a future together.

Even though him 'forgetting' he was married caused the breakdown of his last serious relationship, even when he proposed? Like that wouldn't jog your memory.

SEAHORSESROCK2 · 12/03/2025 06:59

limewonder · 10/03/2025 21:10

Hi
I found out my DP of 4 years is married
The way I found out is his ex (not his wife, the one after her but before me) messaged me on facebook and told me as she’d seen our engagement post.

I’ve met his wife loads as they share kids (age 12&14 together). They split 9 years ago but apparently never sorted the divorce out.

Not sure what to make of this, i don’t know why he kept this from me. His excuse is that he forgot.? AIBU to demand he get a divorce or we’re over? I’m not even sure what his plan was here, marry me while still married to his ex?

EXACT same thing happened to me. He was trying to sneakily get the absolute whilst we were engaged. We went together and sorted it out. Unfortunately they were still financially entwined and she got half of his house sale and thousands in shares of a PPI claim. Massive red flag that I stupidly chose to ignore.. Would 100% do things differently given a do over X

OneSpryViewer · 12/03/2025 07:02

Start with what kind of man is he to you? Kind and healthy mentally and treats you well? You met this guy when you were 23 😢. In your prime! Still are!❤️
If I was to start allover again I would never marry a guy with an ex wife who have kids together NO NEVER!
It’s too complicated to blend a family and trust me you will always be wrong! Especially when them kids get older and if their mum is as crazy as she sounds ( her reaction to your engagement) not normal! Why would she take it badly unless she still wants him?

you are really young and can still meet a man to be a first with. His focus will be on you! Property etc will be for you and your kids, you will build together!
with a blended marriage it’s complicated you don’t want to know.
RUN!

Chiefly10 · 12/03/2025 07:02

limewonder · 10/03/2025 23:46

He’s making it seem like it’s not a big deal. This is a big deal right??

Why do you keep asking this? Everyone is telling you it’s a big deal.

Someonelookedatmypostinghistorysoichanged · 12/03/2025 07:04

He might have forgotten he is engaged too… hmmm
Bin him, he’s not a truthful person is that what you want in a man.
And his wife, you’ve met her, and she’s never said anything either. Weird.

SemiRetiredLoveGoddeess · 12/03/2025 07:16

I smell something very fishy here.
There must be a reason he did not get a divorce. Also it can cost a lot if dosh to get divorded. As for that he forgot.
Liar, liar pants on fire!!!

He sounds very dodgy to say the least.
ff he can lie about this what else can he lie about?

Think it may be time to say Goodbye.

Keep your engagement ring. Sell it and start afresh. Also cut any shared financial ties with him and see a Solicitor if need be

Good Luck
😻
X

Chiefly10 · 12/03/2025 07:17

Posted my reply above not realising the thread had moved on (first time poster).

I wouldn’t stay with a man who had been in a relationship with me for 4 years and got engaged to me but didn’t tell me he was legally married to someone else. I like to clarify the marital status of people I get into a relationship with so I would have asked him early on if he was married/had ever been married. The fact he has been through this with his ex partner (who contacted you) and didn’t learn from his mistake is also a red flag. He has been incredibly rude and disrespectful to you. I would not continue in this relationship. What actions (off his own back) has he taken since you found out?

sueelleker · 12/03/2025 07:43

Especially when them kids get older and if their mum is as crazy as she sounds ( her reaction to your engagement) not normal! Why would she take it badly unless she still wants him?
So she kindly informs his new GF that he's going to commit bigamy, and you think she's crazy? She probably thought he'd already told her, until she found out otherwise.

Feelinghurt2 · 12/03/2025 08:17

How did the ex know that he was still married, and yet you didn't? He might well have finalised his divorce after being with the ex-girlfriend...how would she know whether he had or not? He didn't forget not to tell her he was still married, but forgot to tell you? Also was she happy to go out with a married man? I'm really sorry this has happened to you. I'm not sure what I would do (not helpful, I know), but I would have so many questions, it would make me wonder what else he has forgotten about. Also did his wife know that he was planning to marry you? If so, did she not feel the need to say anything? My mind is boggling. I can't imagine how you must be feeling. Look after yourself and put yourself first.

HeyThereDelila · 12/03/2025 08:23

Get rid, OP. He’s got two ex wives and he’s lied about being divorced! Not exactly husband of the year material.

Feelinghurt2 · 12/03/2025 08:26

JHound · 10/03/2025 21:25

Oh the first half of this is not where I expected it to go!

Yeah I would be miffed but it appears you’re not TOW your fiancé is just lazy. How does his ex know he is not divorced - are they still in contact?

I wondered this too.

CatherineDurrant · 12/03/2025 08:44

The legal situation has been well-discussed on here, which is reason enough to walk away unless you're independently wealthy, happy with the rights of his wife and you not being legally married to him while the situation continues.

However the emotional situation is equally nasty and I'm not sure anyone could get past it: This guy KNEW, because at the very least he was reminded by situation with prev GF. He's been fundamentally dishonest with you.

Would you have started trying for a baby without talk of future and marriage? What do you imagine he led the mother of his children to believe? He had to be forced by her family to marry after two children, claiming he didn't want to.

He doesn't want to marry. He didn't then and he doesn't now, but he's told you what you needed to hear, you've taken him at his word and jettisoned the contraception.

At the very least, stop trying to get pregnant while you process this. Personally, I wouldn't knowlingly invite dishonesty into my life and be hoping for a rosy future.

angela1952 · 12/03/2025 08:46

limewonder · 11/03/2025 09:50

I don’t know because a few people on here have said their partners forgot too, or they forgot themselves. So it is possible

You cannot seriously believe this. Time to wake up OP.

Feelinghurt2 · 12/03/2025 08:56

limewonder · 10/03/2025 23:46

He’s making it seem like it’s not a big deal. This is a big deal right??

It's a massive deal. Imagine you had married him and then years later found out you had been married to a bigamist. I would be left full of doubt about his intentions. Did he intend to marry you, knowing full well he was already married to someone else? I would take the message from his ex-girlfriend as the best gift you've ever received, and get the hell out of there. You are young and there are plenty of men out there your age who do not have this complicated set-up, and who are capable of telling the truth and treating you with respect. The 'I forgot' excuse is just that.....a massive excuse, sadly, to string you along. Please don't have children with this man. Imagine if he never gets divorced. He hasn't bothered to for years, so why should he now if you stay with him and therefore he takes that as permission to carry on being married? Your children will get nothing if something happens to him. Any money or assets he has will go to his wife. Please think of yourself first. Sadly, he hasn't thought about your feelings. You need to think about your feelings and your life now.

ARainyNightInSoho · 12/03/2025 08:58

I don’t think it’s unusual to not divorce, even if you begin new committed relationships. This happened with my parents and it wasn’t an issue. Divorces can be long and painful and stir up long buried emotions and anger.

However, hiding the fact you are still married is an enormous red flag, as is lying and saying you forgot to divorce. Nobody at all forgets to divorce. They might understandably procrastinate, which is probably what has happened with your partner. But a decent person is honest enough about that. They apologise and openly tell you it has been hard for them to get their head around it.

It’s not a very big deal to put off divorcing for a while. It’s a very big deal to cover it up and lie about it. I would say the final nail in the coffin is his gaslighting, making you feel it’s not that much of an issue. It really is.

CheesePlantBoxes · 12/03/2025 09:08

I dont think he forgot, but I think he genuinely thought it wasn't a big deal and he saw it as such a minor moment in his life that he didn't think to tell you in way that he should have because it is important.

i think there has been some deception, but more like he didn't tell you he did something stupid and tried to cover it up. I guess an analogy would be that its more like getting a credit card as an 18 year old and acquiring a small amount of debt which stopped using but is still paying off at the minimum years later because he isn't financially literate, rather than because he's living beyond his means.

I think the red flag is that it indicates immaturity.so think really really hard about whether you want a life with him. Is he a good dad? Does he do his share at home? Does he have regular, reliable work? Does he have goals? Debt? All of that is far more important and I suspect that he isnt great in these areas because of the immaturity that led to this marriage/lying situation.

Some men can be lovely people but aren't good enough to shackle yourself to.

Thirl123 · 12/03/2025 09:34

Run for the hills! This is not normal

CJsGoldfish · 12/03/2025 09:40

OneSpryViewer · 12/03/2025 07:02

Start with what kind of man is he to you? Kind and healthy mentally and treats you well? You met this guy when you were 23 😢. In your prime! Still are!❤️
If I was to start allover again I would never marry a guy with an ex wife who have kids together NO NEVER!
It’s too complicated to blend a family and trust me you will always be wrong! Especially when them kids get older and if their mum is as crazy as she sounds ( her reaction to your engagement) not normal! Why would she take it badly unless she still wants him?

you are really young and can still meet a man to be a first with. His focus will be on you! Property etc will be for you and your kids, you will build together!
with a blended marriage it’s complicated you don’t want to know.
RUN!

Nowhere does it say the mum is crazy 🙄

Despite the ex having to find out from someone else that he was still married and reacting badly (fair enough I'd say) he went and did exactly the same with the next one. I'd say that kinda cancels out any chance that he's kind and healthy mentally and treats the OP well 😆

With a pattern like that, there is NO WAY you could trust a word he said

I am a family solicitor and I am not surprised that somebody forgot they had never got divorced. It is surprisingly common
Of course they're going to say that 😆

Blades2 · 12/03/2025 09:51

Okay, so obviously yes it’s a big deal he didn’t tell you.
but I think I can see from
your replies why
you wouldn’t have got with someone who has previously been married? I mean, people at the age of 33 have baggage, I do.
Not sharing his surname with another woman? I mean, that’s just petty my mum still has her married name. Dads wife has our name too.

anareen · 12/03/2025 10:00

👀

BurgundyZero · 12/03/2025 10:46

Blades2 · 12/03/2025 09:51

Okay, so obviously yes it’s a big deal he didn’t tell you.
but I think I can see from
your replies why
you wouldn’t have got with someone who has previously been married? I mean, people at the age of 33 have baggage, I do.
Not sharing his surname with another woman? I mean, that’s just petty my mum still has her married name. Dads wife has our name too.

Nah, I wouldn't be interested in dealing with someone's ex-wife / kids from a previous marriage, either. My husband was 40 when we met. No previous marriages for either. No kids. It made everything simple and I liked it when it came to filling out the marriage certificate that it didn't say "divorced" or "widowed" for either of us (we weren't married here so don't know if this information is recorded on marriage certificates here or not). Doesn't seem like the best omen lol

Cosyblankets · 12/03/2025 10:51

BurgundyZero · 12/03/2025 10:46

Nah, I wouldn't be interested in dealing with someone's ex-wife / kids from a previous marriage, either. My husband was 40 when we met. No previous marriages for either. No kids. It made everything simple and I liked it when it came to filling out the marriage certificate that it didn't say "divorced" or "widowed" for either of us (we weren't married here so don't know if this information is recorded on marriage certificates here or not). Doesn't seem like the best omen lol

Show quote history

Well I'm glad my husband wasn't put off by the word widow. Also both in our 40s when we met and married

BurgundyZero · 12/03/2025 10:55

Probably more a concern for grooms if it said "five-time widow" or similar.