Found out fiancé is married to someone else

[limewonder]

Hi
I found out my DP of 4 years is married
The way I found out is his ex (not his wife, the one after her but before me) messaged me on facebook and told me as she’d seen our engagement post.

I’ve met his wife loads as they share kids (age 12&14 together). They split 9 years ago but apparently never sorted the divorce out.

Not sure what to make of this, i don’t know why he kept this from me. His excuse is that he forgot.? AIBU to demand he get a divorce or we’re over? I’m not even sure what his plan was here, marry me while still married to his ex?

I missed that he doesn't see his kids for weeks at a time. What a prince. A lying, selfish, doesn't care about his kids prince.

@limewonder

Not telling you such important information about himself is the same as lying about it. It's a 'lie by omission'.

You may never have directly asked him if he'd been married before, but there were probably a lot of opportunities to tell you in the course of regular conversations. He specifically chose to never mention the marriage, refer to her as an 'ex wife', or any of a multitude of things that would have quietly let you know he'd been 'married before'. And why didn't he? Because he knew he was still married.

It's your decision of course, but I could never trust him and I would never marry a man I didn't trust. If he's concealed important information in the past, what might he feel justified to conceal from me in the future?

I suggest you go back on contraception until you think this through and reach the decision that's right for you. The last thing you want is to get pregnant and then decide you want him out of your life.

It IS a big deal …it would be a massive deal for me . If he’s not being transparent on this then what else is hidden away ?

He forgot twice?! Ummmm…

You didn’t know they were still married or didn’t know they were ever married?

I am a family solicitor and I am not surprised that somebody forgot they had never got divorced. It is surprisingly common. I agree that this potentially affects his financial situation and you should make sure it that that has been resolved before you marry him whether or not you still want to marry him. Depends on whether you still love him and see a future together.

I need to know, (I'm on mobile so can't read all OPs updates in a row. That's a luxury not afforded us plebs) did you know he was ONCE married and thought he was divorced? Or had you never known he was married at all?

So you have found out he’s a liar
what was his intention to string you along
and not marry you
or marry you bigamously,
Which ever , I would not be having kids with him, once a liar always a liar

Noone forgets something this massive, it’s a blatant and calculated deception. I’m not one for the ‘he’s scum, dump him’ Mumsnet brigade but I couldn’t continue this rship. He’s been fundamentally deceitful. No way I’d want to start a marriage on that footing; it isn’t like he forgot to pay a bill

So he asked you to marry him when you got engaged presumably??
So htf was he going to marry you?? Just not tell you he was married, surely at that point even you were planning the wedding the ex wife would have told you!!
To marry a divorcee you have to produce a divorce certificate

Did you not notice she had the same surname? It's all a bit bizarre.

First of all I hope you have stopped trying for a baby with him, I would be handing back the ring and telling him a child is off the cards. He had no intention of telling you about being married. You would of found out when having the pre wedding interview. Advise him that if he wants marriage and a child with you his divorce needs to come first. Then you may consider his proposal but not until then.

Some people keep married name, especially when they have children.

This is mad and the reason he never told you .
You can cope with him having human beings with another person but not that he commited to her . Seriously ?

I can see why he played it down after reading g this comment .

Are you jealous ?
Guy had you on one ear and the ex wife now kicking off in the other no wonder he kept it all quiet .

Well, the fact that he’s a liar is bad enough, but legally, you cannot get married to him whilst he is married to someone else, it’s bigamy.

Thank god you found out now instead of when yous were married or have children. I'd be really annoyed. For one I'd be mortified telling people I'm getting married to someone who is already married and I couldn't forgive him for the fact he purposely deceived you. Surely he would have mentioned. He made you out to be a right mug.

Sounds like he was never planning to marry you and just got engaged to keep you quiet.

Its common to still be married but it’s not normal to then get engaged and not tell the woman you apparently want to spend the rest of your life with, that you’re still married.

Thank goodness you didn’t get pregnant before knowing this.

If he can lie about this, he can lie about anything.

I disagree.

It’s fine to not want a relationship either someone who has been married before or has kids from a previous relationship etc.

Obviously, if he were a widower then you could marry, of course, but as his wife seems to be alive and kicking and they’re not divorced, then he can’t be legally married to you, too, he would be committing bigamy as I say on my other post.

Are you actually going to stay with him after this ?

If he divorces her, and marries you, beware he might "forget" he is married to you too OP.
A man of his age, without any cognitive impairment, does not forget he is married.

Run, run, run as fast as you can. He is 33 years old and already had three women, yourself included, that you know of. Sounds he has the gift of the gab. A leopard doesn’t change its spots. Please rethink regarding a baby with him and thank the stars you are not pregnant already.

Photo copy all official papers you both have, bank etc.
You are young, not even 30 and can have better than him.

Please don't marry him OP (assuming it's legally possible), and especially don't have children with him. He is irresponsible and dishonest and it's horrible sharing children with someone like that. Cut free and find someone else - you have time.

Does he think you were born yesterday? Sorry but were you? He has form. Ditch him immediately and run a mile. Otherwise you'll be the next wife telling his next fiancee that he's still married.