Found out fiancé is married to someone else

[limewonder]

Hi
I found out my DP of 4 years is married
The way I found out is his ex (not his wife, the one after her but before me) messaged me on facebook and told me as she’d seen our engagement post.

I’ve met his wife loads as they share kids (age 12&14 together). They split 9 years ago but apparently never sorted the divorce out.

Not sure what to make of this, i don’t know why he kept this from me. His excuse is that he forgot.? AIBU to demand he get a divorce or we’re over? I’m not even sure what his plan was here, marry me while still married to his ex?

I don’t wanna share his last name with his ex.

It's just a name, @limewonder
That's not a good reason to be upset.

But everything else this man has done is awful.

No arrangement where children only see their Dad every 6-7 weeks “works best for the kids” 🤯 🤦🏼‍♀️

This is absolute lunacy. It doesn’t matter that they are older. It works best for him. It does not work best for children/teens to hardly see their Dad!

Why does he not travel up to them every 2/3 weekends, stay in a cheap hotel and spend time with them over the weekend. A responsible parent who loves their children and puts their wellbeing above their own, would be doing this.

In ten years time, imagine you have 2 children with him….. and he’s forgotten that he’s married to you. Would you honestly think it would be in those children’s best interests that he only sees them 6 times a year?

Ultimately, your relationship is built on a lie.
Whether that lie is that he was married and didn’t disclose that, or whether he lied about how competent he is as a human, only you know.

But forgetting he’s married honestly sounds about as plausible as someone running up thousands in credit card debt and claiming they forgot they weren’t a millionaire.

Honestly OP open your eyes.

He is a very poor father no matter what story he's spun you.

The parenting load is all on her all of the time while he gets to play Disney dad in the summer holidays and half terms.

What a father.

He's a spineless coward, drifting through life with his head in the sand at facing any harsh realities. Do you really want him as a parent for any future children?

You're 27? Run. Find someone worthy.

Is he actually processing the divorce now? He can file online and it will be completed within 6 months ish, no solicitor needed. The financials are more difficult but achievable quickly if both parties want to.

If he isn't willing to complete the divorce now then walk away

Why did you assume she had changed her name?

A lot of divorced women, especially those with kids don't change their surname.

The bigger issue is him saying he forgot he wasn't divorced. That's absolute nonsense.

Other side of the coin. I am still legally married to my ex. We have been separated for close to 15 years.

He has been engaged to his fiancée for about 8 years, and has two further children with her.

I am happy to get Divorced, but don't see why i should be the one to pay for it.

I am assuming she knows we are not legally Divorced as they have not planned a wedding yet. Not entirely sure what she thinks about it, although she has put herself in quite a venerable legal position , but not my circus.

You forget what you had for breakfast yesterday, not that you're married to the woman you have kids with!

I totally get why you asked him about it straight away, who wouldn't in real life. But in a way it would have been interesting to keep your powder dry.

You could have told him you had booked an appointment at a wedding venue for you to look at at the weekend and they had a cancellation which means that you could marry in May if it looked good. Then, you would have seen if he had come clean or continued future faking you.

You need to think what you want. For me it would not be the fact that he's still married, that is sortable. It's the fact that he kept it from you, as did his parents. I'd want more for myself.

I don't think OP assumed the wife had changed her name. She didn't know she'd ever taken his name in the first place as she didn't know they were ever married.

Oh, I see. Thanks for the clarification.

That's even worse. He never said he had been married and conveniently forgot he wasn't divorced.

He forgot to get divorced and then forgot he hadn't got divorced. He forgot to tell his ex he was still married and she was told by someone else. He then forgot to tell you and you have been informed by the ex. You will be the one who tells his next partner that he is still married when he forget to tell her.
Still being married in itself - due to cost etc would not be a deal breaker if it was clear they were long separated - not mentioning it and proposing when he knew he would either have the cost of a divorce or would be committing bigamy would probably end it for me.
Even if you believe he forgot to tell the ex - he definitely did not forget to tell you.

Yes I can see how some people might forget they are still married if they have been separated a long time.

But crucially, you asked him if he had ever been married and he said no!!!! So he didn't "forget". He lied to you!!!

What name do the kids have? If they were married and she had his name where did you get her other name from to look her up on Facebook? Did he not just refer to her by her first name?
You don't forget you're married.
If someone split up years ago i can see how they might not get round to getting divorced if neither of them were marrying again. Not saying that's right just that it happens but you don't forget you got married!

@Cosyblankets So he only referred to her by her first name. Her sister sometimes comments on his stuff on fb. I was looking for first name + sisters last name.

Have you sorted out any death in service or will or anything to take his name off? Some things are automatic if you're married and don't stipulate otherwise

Yes, all sorted on my end. What he has done with regards to his i don't know

He forgot he was married in two different relationships?

Yes it's possible

but why would you want to marry someone who can't keep on top of basic paperwork? How big of a loser is that?

I haven't changed my married name. I despise my ex with every fiber of my being but it's my kids name so I'll keep it until they are adults and understand/don't care. It's not your biggest problem here, she's irrelevant to you, issue is you're engaged to a liar so don't go on side quests and confuse the situation.

so you're happy for him to inherit, if that applies? Any will you have made will be redundant if you're still married.

No it won't.
Not if it was made after they married.

As said previously, all sorted my end. Updated will, updated beneficiary for pensions etc, specific instructions for trust for Child if i die before they are 18. Am as covered as i can be.