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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Found out fiancé is married to someone else

355 replies

limewonder · 10/03/2025 21:10

Hi
I found out my DP of 4 years is married
The way I found out is his ex (not his wife, the one after her but before me) messaged me on facebook and told me as she’d seen our engagement post.

I’ve met his wife loads as they share kids (age 12&14 together). They split 9 years ago but apparently never sorted the divorce out.

Not sure what to make of this, i don’t know why he kept this from me. His excuse is that he forgot.? AIBU to demand he get a divorce or we’re over? I’m not even sure what his plan was here, marry me while still married to his ex?

OP posts:
Retiredfromearlyyears · 11/03/2025 19:04

Forgot did he Ha! First thing you need to do is give him back his ring. It's just a fantasy being engaged to a married man. Next I would suggest a little time apart. He's not trustworthy Red flag for me would be his ex(not his wife,but after his wife and before you) contacting you with this information. She's likely had experience of his duplicity. Be careful ,if you are going forward with this guy! I hope you are third time lucky.

Ferrit6 · 11/03/2025 19:04

My close friend and her ex didn’t bother to get divorced for over 15 years it’s not that big a deal -if you didn’t ask the direct question… what counts is if he is serious about you then when is he going to divorce her .. if your relationship is sound in all other aspects then work it out … marriage is so overrated anyway - if you can’t move on then maybe you aren’t ready for marriage either as he found out in his early 20’s with what would have been a teenage relationship that ran its course …

FOXYMORON1707 · 11/03/2025 19:08

This happened to me well was with a guy for 8 years he said was divorced I never asked for evidence. Anyway long story short he started seeing her again and well now together. They were apart during time we were together she lived with someone else. He said the same as in just never finalised it. Weird eh why still he married eh.

laraitopbanana · 11/03/2025 19:15

Wow

firstly, I am feeling really sorry for all that situation you are in. It is horrendous to find out this kind of thing just before getting married yourself.

I mean. Will you trust him again after that? Even if…ok…there is not really any good moment to say « eh…I am married »…to plan getting married should have been the time and he didn’t. Let alone leaving to one of his exes (he has loads no?) telling you he still his married!

I would urge you to dump this liar.

He would just about hide anything from you.

Good luck 👌🏼

DebsA1 · 11/03/2025 19:19

You need to check this out properly. Don’t forget his ex told you. Could it be sour grapes. What a mess. I think I’d want out anyway. Life’s too short

WinterBones · 11/03/2025 19:38

limewonder · 11/03/2025 09:50

I don’t know because a few people on here have said their partners forgot too, or they forgot themselves. So it is possible

i'm another one who separated from my ExH but took years to divorce him.

Being still legally married didn't matter in terms of life/living it, but i certainly didn't forget and was open about the fact i was still legally married with everyone i had a relationship with.

You might put it out of your mind, and not think about it, but you don't 'forget'

Huckleberries · 11/03/2025 19:50

Everyothernamewasalreadyinuse · 11/03/2025 14:06

As said previously, all sorted my end. Updated will, updated beneficiary for pensions etc, specific instructions for trust for Child if i die before they are 18. Am as covered as i can be.

Show quote history

But an updated will is easily challenged by a husband, who will have a good case on account of...being the husband.

Huckleberries · 11/03/2025 19:52

Also I had a recent call from pension people saying my nominated person has to be agreed on by committee when I die.

they actually said it was to cover situations where someone else might have a claim.

Namechangefordaughterevasion · 11/03/2025 19:54

I originally ticked YANBU to issue an ultimatum but in hindsight I think I was wrong.

What would be unreasonable is to carry on a relationship with this lying, gaslighting, unreliable man.

40YearOldDad · 11/03/2025 20:06

limewonder · 10/03/2025 22:32

We don’t have kids together but are trying for a baby, we live together too (rented). I’m gutted that he’s done this whole thing before with his ex / wife. Obviously I know he has kids but he made out the relationship was bad and they weren’t close. But he was happy to marry her. And the thing is i’m a bit younger than him (i’m 27, he’s 33), and I don’t think I would have got with someone if I knew they’d been married before. Does that sound silly?

Edited

Yes - you knew he had kids, but being married before would have been a deal breaker? Strange.

Obviously, he needs to get a divorce, and quickly, as has already been mentioned, he's still legally tied to her. It's not like he's been leading a double life.

I've known people be separated for years and re-engaged, even had kids with a new partner before getting divorced.

WilfredsPies · 11/03/2025 20:10

limewonder · 11/03/2025 09:17

@Eyerollexpert Im not demanding she change her name, I’m saying I’m not sure if I want to marry him and share the same last name

Edited

You’re getting older. Your pool of partners who are doing things for the first time is going to be getting sparse. So I think this bit is a bit silly, but I don’t blame you for being bloody furious about the rest of it.

I think that if you aren’t free to get married, there’s only one reason to buy someone an engagement ring and that’s because you want them to believe that you have some intention of marrying them in the future, even though you don’t. I don’t think you’re wearing an engagement ring. I think you’re wearing a ‘We’re never getting married but this should keep you quiet for a while’ ring.

CJsGoldfish · 11/03/2025 20:15

Considering he doesn't bother much with his existing children, having a baby isn't going to be the leverage you think it may be. His excuses are just that. Excuses

This is a perfect example for other women of how pointless whining about 'no proposal' actually is. Sure, you get what you want but it's usually just used to placate and bide more time. If he truly wanted to marry you OP, he wouldn't still be married 🤷‍♀️

The fact that you have to "figure out what you want to do" is kinda the indicator that you know what you are going to do and just want to punish him a little first. Why bother. Doesn't change that he's married and didn't bother telling you.

Come on OP. Expect better. Especially for any future children. Don't let this be all you think THEY deserve as well.

Marshbird · 11/03/2025 20:22

limewonder · 11/03/2025 07:25

I found out this morning that she has his last name still too. That’s why I could never find her on facebook, I was typing in the wrong name. He said she refused to change it back. I don’t wanna share his last name with his ex.

Look, that’s a silly aside in grand scheme of things
his wife took his name probably as she shares her surname with kids. It is NOT his decision on divorce if she changes it back or now. It is her name now. Stop having paddy about the tiny issue you can do nowt about, nor can he. He married her. She exists.

focus on fact he has gas lit you. Not telling someone you’re married, and even proposing is deceit, not forgetfulness. You have to decide if you can accept such lies or not.

marriage is primarily a legal and financial partnership. She is his legal next of kin . If he dies she’ll inherit the very thing he might have- including pensions. She will have rights as next of kin/ nearest relative if something happens so he looses mental competency ( unless he has done a LPOA recently since he met you ) like being in comma. If you share anything even like a bank account, sheisentitked to half that amount on his death.

do NOT continue to try for a baby in these precarious circumstances. Do not continue with engagement. Think very hard about a future with a man that cares so little about the vulnerable status he is putting you in.

TiredCatLady · 11/03/2025 20:40

Oh and OP, I’d put money on him having slept with her much more recently than a decade ago when they “split up”.

If he’d have wanted to divorce her then he would have. It’s not that bloody complicated.

You’re 27, you’ve plenty of time on your side and you don’t need a lying shit like this in your life. There’s an honest bloke out there waiting for you. Ditch this prick.

lily219 · 11/03/2025 20:47

I can't believe he 'forgot'! Not sure what to make of your situation, but it does remind me of the man I met on OLD. It turned out that he was still living in the same house as his ex - she lived upstairs and he lived downstairs. I could sort of accept that. But when I went over to his place for dinner and we went out to a pub, he then introduced me to his WIFE! They were married years ago, before his ex, and had just never got around to getting a divorce.

KateP93 · 11/03/2025 20:47

I have friends who married young then separated and never bothered getting divorced until years later, when they wanted to marry someone else. It can happen without deceitful intentions, especially if they have been separated a long time.
Though this discovery is disconcerting and must be quickly sorted out, your attitude and decision will depend on his attitude and actions from here on in. Either he gets divorced post-haste, or you should probably conclude he is not serious or not responsible enough to marry.
Good luck.

mum2twoDs · 11/03/2025 21:05

limewonder · 11/03/2025 07:25

I found out this morning that she has his last name still too. That’s why I could never find her on facebook, I was typing in the wrong name. He said she refused to change it back. I don’t wanna share his last name with his ex.

I think this is a tad unfair, she has the same name as her children - and personally I’ve kept my married name after separation from my ex as it is the same name as my children

bluegreygreen · 11/03/2025 21:14

To the posters saying you hadn't told a partner you weren't divorced - had you also forgotten to tell them you'd ever been married, even when talking about marriage and then proposing to someone?

pollymere · 11/03/2025 21:25

He probably means "never got around to divorcing each other" and just forgot to get their act together rather than forgot they were still married.

Cosyblankets · 11/03/2025 21:31

pollymere · 11/03/2025 21:25

He probably means "never got around to divorcing each other" and just forgot to get their act together rather than forgot they were still married.

No he didn't just not get round to divorcing he never told OP he'd been married in the first place

Harrysmummy246 · 11/03/2025 21:41

Why on earth would you still go on to Marry him even if he finally sorts it out to make that legal to do so? You don't just forget to tell people this, especially if you then decide to get married to them. A relationship is based on trust. How can you trust him
She will still have his name as presumably it is the same as the children, and hey, she is still actually his wife.
Count it as a blessing to be shown a big red flag now before you are pregnant and tied to him or stuck committed to a mortgage

saffronspices · 11/03/2025 22:14

Some men stay married so that they can't re-marry anyone else (preventative measure) or they don't want their ex to be able to re-marry - it's about control. Me & my partner have been together for 15 years, we are both still married to our respective spouses - my husband doesn't want to share his pension so won't divorce.

Ariana12 · 11/03/2025 22:32

Is he a Mormon 🤔🤔

RampantIvy · 11/03/2025 23:45

WorkItUpYourBangle · 11/03/2025 18:12

I need to know, (I'm on mobile so can't read all OPs updates in a row. That's a luxury not afforded us plebs) did you know he was ONCE married and thought he was divorced? Or had you never known he was married at all?

You can. Just use your browser to access mumsnet. Don't use the app.

miss79guided · 12/03/2025 00:19

limewonder · 10/03/2025 21:10

Hi
I found out my DP of 4 years is married
The way I found out is his ex (not his wife, the one after her but before me) messaged me on facebook and told me as she’d seen our engagement post.

I’ve met his wife loads as they share kids (age 12&14 together). They split 9 years ago but apparently never sorted the divorce out.

Not sure what to make of this, i don’t know why he kept this from me. His excuse is that he forgot.? AIBU to demand he get a divorce or we’re over? I’m not even sure what his plan was here, marry me while still married to his ex?

Found out - so it IS a close / serious thing THEN
In your mind, did you consider this to be the RT (Real Thing) ??
If you DID then, you clearly ARE the fool - What DID you talk about for 4 YEARS ?? SURELY 1 of you (probably you - MUST have asked/discussed, where IS this goin? What DID you talk about (for 4 YEARS ?? ) for it NOT to come up ??