Stranger asked for sex.

[SoreHeadAgainnnnn]

So this was really weird!! ...

(For context, I'm late 40s, married 20yrs, two kids, two dogs, average and tired looking!)

I took my dogs out for a walk yesterday. We were walking through a field and I heard a man's voice. Looked up and there was a man on a bike (maybe late 20s/early 30s, scruffy looking (the mum in me thought 'you could do with a bath') on the adjacent path (which is just up the bank from where I was - so maybe 15 foot away or so)).

He said 'can you have sex with me?'. I thought I must have misheard so asked him to repeat what he said and he said 'can you have sex with me?' Again I thought I can't have heard right! So I said 'can I have what?' and he said 'sex' and repeated 'sex' a few times, then was quite insistent 'can we have sex??'

I told him No. No! Several times. They, in a really kid like voice he said 'pleeeeeeeeeeaase' like he was begging me for some screen time or sweets!! I said 'no. No way. Go and find yourself a girlfriend'.

Then he sounded quite annoyed and said 'why not?' in a way that made it sound like I was being unreasonable to deny him sex!!!! I said 'well for starters I'm married!' (though there were obviously MULTIPLE reasons why I would not have sex with some random stranger in a field!!!!) At that point he went on his way!

It was quite intimidating and I can't believe he just thought it was ok to ask this!!

Further along the walk, I went into some woods. I was feeling a bit worried I'd bump into him or he'd come back and rape me (catastophising I know, but anyway..) then I saw two large trowel type tools - which looked like weapons like kind of wide trowel shaped swords, really big with serrated edges, stuck down in a tree trunk'. It completely freaked me out!!

My dogs and I survived the walk !! But so many weird things have happened on that walk in the last few months, with yesterday's two incidents being the worst.

AIBU never to walk the dogs there again?

But I have nowhere else walking distance to walk them!

Also - do a anyone know what these trowel shaped weapons are? I tried to Google 'large trowel shaped weapons serrated edge' but nothing like what I saw came up! Anyone know why they might've been there? (They definitely weren't innocently left by the charitable tree planting types. These were definitely purposely put there and looked like a signal or warning or something. They also looked expensive so I kept looking around as I can't imagine the person who put them there would've been far away as they wouldn't want to loose them or get them nicked)

Sorry, my mistake!
Really bad that reporting it got nowhere.. I hope that man doesn't actually attack anyone.

Me too

Stop messing about on Mumsnet with this and go to the police. If he ended up raping or assaulting someone else, you'd be riddled with guilt. It does not matter what you think of the police, just report it and let them get on with it.

Perhaps read the thread before being rude. She already has reported it.

I have reported it!!

I am not sure why some people think it would be something to do with me if he raped someone or assaulted someone. It's not my fault!! The police have not done anything with my report. They have no grounds to arrest him etc.. so why should I have felt guilty if I'd not reported it. The police don't have the resources to go out looking for him and they've no reason or grounds to arrest him.

Sadly, the state of policing in my area means that this man will, unfortunately, not be taken seriously until he actually does rape or assault someone. Same goes for the weapons I reported. Noone will bother to look for them. Only if something bad actually happens in that wood, or with one of those weapons, will my reports then be of use.

We don't, sadly, have the funding for proactive, preventative policing in this country. Long gone are the days of bobbies on the beat who might have been able to pop out and look for the weapons or question suspicious looking men meeting the description of the man who approached me, in my local area. Times have changed and I think a lot of people have v unrealistic expectations and understanding of what the police actually do....

Yes of course, it would be OPs fault if this man raped someone. It's because she didn't report him that he raped someone. It's not because he's a rapist, it's because OP didn't tell the police (even though she has).

Bad OP, how dare you make that poor innocent man a rapist!!!

p.s. read the thread and you won't make a tit of yourself

Said with such conviction and yet you can't be bothered to even read OPs posts. Do you really think no-one apart from you thought to report it to the police?

OP reported it to the police, said so yesterday.

Mace etc is illegal in the UK. The description of the man suggests he has a significant learning disability. That doesn’t rule out that he could be dangerous of course, but there is usually a very normal young man’s sex drive and often no legitimate outlet. People with relatively severe LD can be inappropriate, whilst also very respectful of rules. As soon as the OP said she was married, he stopped and rode away.

It’s not victim blaming to tell people to act with wisdom. I know there’s folks who always want to twist people’s words. No need to direct me to a random site. DO NOT ENGAGE!! You cannot control a predator’s actions, you can control your interactions. Do what you will…..:

For the final time, it literally is victim blaming to tell people that their actions will or will not influence what the perpetrator of violence will do.

Telling women if they just be quiet and keep their heads down it won't happen is victim blaming. Telling women if they smile and laugh it off so it doesn't escalate is victim blaming.

Stop focusing women's behaviour when we are talking about MALE VIOLENCE

Are you some kind of mind reader or just plain daft. Where did I say that? You know what I won’t engage. Bye

You can't control other people's behaviour, only your own.

OP heard him say he wanted sex with her at least four or five times, and STILL carried on engaging with him further with back and forth about why she wouldn't, he was a scruffy/dirty looking guy on a bike, who had no reason to be even talking to her, so she had no obligation to even answer his stupid questions.

Women are NEVER responsible for male violence, but It certainly isn't "victim blaming" to point out she should have walked off instead of engaging with him, it's common fucking sense! Luckily nothing happened, so she wasn't even a victim.

Advising a lone woman on her way home not to walk through a park late at night is not "victim blaming", it's common sense. Saying that she "shouldn't have gone through the park late at night" after she ended up being murdered there would be, but that isn't what we are talking about here.

I'm confused why people think not engaging with someone will protect them? For some men, not engaging with them may anger them, provoke them or make them feel frustrated leading to aggression, whereas someone engaging with them helps them see that person as nice and friendly and Lowers their aggression level.

Of course, for other men not engaging may make them not want to engage with the women and may help prevent the women being seen as 'interested in them' or whatever.

The problem is, we never know what reaction is the 'right' reaction. Maybe it's to engage, be friendly. Maybe it's to not engage, ignore. Maybe it's something else.

Giving advice on how a person should react to a strange man when no-one knows what he's thinking or how he will respond to engagement/non engagement just seems daft

And posters appearing to try to make me seem like I reacted 'wrong' are just foolish. How on earth do you know this? My communication style worked fine, he rode off, I'm safe and well. If I had not engaged, ignored him by etc.. he may very well have become aggressive with me feeling I deserved it or something.

We will all react differently in different situations. I'm sorry but there is no 'right' way (even if some people think they have all the answers and would always respond in the optimum way)

I'm confused why people think not engaging with someone will protect them?

And posters appearing to try to make me seem like I reacted 'wrong' are just foolish.

It's nothing to do with 'angering them' IMO, if you ignore someone being inappropriate you are not giving them permisssion to carry on engaging with you, simple as that, if that happens to anger them then you are already in trouble anyway because they already had an ulterior motive and your reaction of engagement/ignoring will make no difference whatsoever, nothing you do at that point will make a difference, even if they want you to believe it will, someone out to hurt you will hurt you regardless of how you react.

if you actively engage with a stranger, as you did, in what is obviously a very inappropriate conversation, you are demonstrating that you are a willing participant in that conversation / interaction and it can become much harder to remove yourself from it, as a woman on her own that is a dangerous place to be, someone drunk or not right in some way will see that as an invitation to continue babbling away at you, coming over to you, or even following you because they are now under the impression that you are happy to engage with them, if that then makes you uncomfortable you are only left with the option of saying no or asking them to leave you alone, or walking away, all of which are much harder to do once you've entered into conversation because women are conditioned to 'BE NICE' and men know to take advantage of that fact.

Neither option will save you if someone is out to hurt you anyway, but one shows that you don't give permission for them to engage with you, the other shows that you are open to engagement, which can be harder to then disengage from on your own terms.

Lucky for you this time he left of his own accord with no harm done, but engaging with him the way you did was extremely risky, just because nothing ultimately happened, really doesn't mean it was the right way for you to deal with it, it's just survivor bias talking.

I disagree. Ignoring someone is rude and they can feel justified in becoming angry with you which increases your danger at that moment.

On the other hand, engaging in a way that is polite will likely difuse anger and allow you to explain rspectfully that their attention is unwelcome. A reasonable and respectful response may turn away anger and agression.

At the end of the day, everyone will have their own response to every different situation: flight, fight, fawn, whichever response feels right to them in the moment.

As you say, if someone means you harm, there may be no 'right ' response that will keep you safe.

The bottom line is that nobody should be criticising the victim. We should all be focusing on the perpetrator and the OP did the right thing by reporting to Police.

So is there a right response? The bottom line IMO is, if you survived the encounter then whatever you did in that moment was the right thing and don't let anyone tell you different. Well done, OP.

thanks 😊

I disagree. Ignoring someone is rude.

I would agree if they were politely asking you a question, like asking for the time, or directions or any number of other things that is considered a normal, yet unsolicited, interaction.

Shouting and asking someone to have sex with you is rude.. you are perfectly within your rights to refuse to engage with someone being rude and obnoxious, it does not make you rude, that's typical 'be nice' bullshit.

There is no 'justification' for them getting angry with you for a response or lack of response, if they get angry with you they were just looking to provoke you in to some reaction they could use against you, in which case nothing you say will make a difference anyway.

Out of interest, do you have a local 'spotted' Facebook page OP, did you put it on there? The police don't really have any power to do anything after the fact, but it would put a warning out to any other women who may walk around that area?

Out of interest, do you have a local 'spotted' Facebook page OP, did you put it on there? The police don't really have any power to do anything after the fact, but it would put a warning out to any other women who may walk around that area?

Definitely do not do that! You would be publicly identifying yourself; accusing a potential maniac and putting your name and face to it! You've told the police, there's nothing more that can be done.

I feel like you were in real danger and im
glad nothing more sinister happened. Call the police and I’d probably avoid walking there alone for a while.

Exactly. Posters telling you otherwise are being ridiculous and showing their internalised misogyny.

Just ignore them honestly.

oh FFS, use your brain, that's exactly why people post anonymously on to spotted pages, I wasn't suggesting she post it with her name and picture attached to it, I assumed that went without saying...

Putting it on a local page is going to do a lot more than reporting to the police, it's a warning to people specifically using that area, particularly women on their own.