Is it ever ok to message the OW

[Dorothyy]

So my partner and I split last year and within weeks he was with this new woman, obviously part of me believes it was going on before and they used to go out together frequently whilst I was at home looking after our children (not on their own but as a group of colleagues) I feel so stupid as I did question it at the time and she was just a friend apparently. I had a few wines the other night and stupidly messaged her just asking when this started, obviously didn’t get a reply

You can message whoever you like but I would kindly suggest that messaging her won't help you move on and that's what you should be focusing on. Delete her details or do whatever you need to do to ensure you are not tempted again and focus on your future.

The only possible circumstance where it might be okay is if you're concerned for the OW's welfare/if your ex has a history of domestic violence.

In your case: absolute not.

I think there are times when this might be appropriate eg "hi, I'm X's wife - did you know he was married?"
I think there are times where it is not appropriate eg. 12 months after a break up when your relationship is over and it won't achieve anything to know either way.

I can totally get why you would have wanted to message her (I’ve been in a similar situation and was desperate to speak to her to try and get all the facts in my head about what really went on to gain some closure). I don’t think it’s a good idea though as the OW will likely just not respond and it will make you feel ten times worse

Yes I feel really shitty about it. I’ll never do it again, I just wanted to know and had had a few drinks, no more wine for me.

I’m just really struggling to work out how they can be together now after me questioning him and he was obviously lying to me!

She may or may not be entirely innocent if it was going on when the OP and her husband were still together.

She could lie and say yes he was cheating on you with her if she's the bitchy sort!

Or she could lie and say no she wasn't when he was!

You have absolutely no idea that she could be telling the truth or what her motives are!

Thankfully she behaved with dignity and has not lowered herself to your level and replied.

How has the OP lowered herself to any level? Ridiculous.

I don’t think it often brings you the outcome you’re hoping for. Clearly it wasn’t a happy relationship, and you’ve been separated for a while now: does it really matter whether there was crossover between your relationship ending and their’s beginning? Would you have suddenly believed it if she’d told you there wasn’t, anyway? Probably not.

Thanks for that 🫣 you’re probably right

Nothing dignified about a home wrecker though

Exactly. However if he is the cheating sort then you're well rid, I wouldn't waste anymore headspace on a man like this.

It was rather silly but I think understandable.

And IME people NEVER leave non-abusive marriages unless there’s someone waiting in the wings. I can’t tell you how many people I know who’ve left their OH and magically got it on with a colleague a few weeks down the line.

I agree, but I think op you need to focus on where your anger should be directed which is your ex. IF he cheated (which is a big if) then while yes she's involved- he's the one who's broken vows and wrecked his family. The hard bit in this is that you really don't know if that was the case. It could even be that they fancied each other but didn't act on it until he ended the marriage.

I've been in your shoes with this and it's absolutely awful but in reality you've no way of knowing for sure (neither did i) but I took it that if he'd cheated then I was better off without and she was welcome to him.

The only person really you should be focusing on is yourself. It's been 12 months so maybe counselling might help you close this door for yourself- it definitely helped me.

I absolutely agree with messaging the ow. Men lie and gaslight, often the only way to get the truth is to ask.
Those who say it doesn't matter, it does.

taking the kids on days out with her a few weeks after really stung, it was as if it was engineered as he treated me so badly for years before I ended it by doing what he liked when he liked etc

Sometimes the truth is easier to deal with than the constant wondering. If she spills and say yes it started 3 yrs ago it can really help the moving on process.

While it is your ExDH who has wronged you, not this woman, I think you should go easy on yourself. I used to think it would be inappropriate, until it happened to me.

I messaged the OW, but it gave me no benefit at all, as she just blatantly lied. I wanted to know a very specific thing which my DH was refusing to tell me. All I asked her was one specific thing.

She responded with “I haven’t spoken to your DH in years, if you think he’s cheating you’re wrong as he’s not that type.”

As much as I wanted to tell her “I’ve got the pictures of your tits, you nasty twat” I didn’t. I kept my shit together, thanked her for responding, and asked myself why on earth a stranger would put my interests in front of her own.

I don’t feel bad about doing it. I’ve really got to prioritise myself in this process. So do you, so don’t worry about it.

'While it is your ExDH who has wronged you, not this woman'
If it started whilst he was with the op the ow is absolutely complicit.

I totally understand wanting to know whether you've been cheated on or not. It does change your understanding of the relationship and the man you were with and I understand the need to know that, so you can process what has happened.

However, I would view it that the OW was merely a catalyst for the end of your relationship. For whatever reason, at the point you ended, you weren't right for each other and maybe this woman sped up the end, crossover or not, but the end would have happened. It happens to relationships every day, all over the world. I'm so sorry if it wasn't what you wanted but if he checked out then you deserve more. There is someone out there who is waiting to adore you, so just hold your head high, deep breath, chalk this down to a moment of wine-induced madness that you'll laugh about one day and start thinking about the future, the possibilities are endless.

I voted YANBU as it's human nature to want to know. And it's neither illegal nor harassment as a one off.

However I do also believe it's futile - you'll probably never get an honest response, even if you do get a response. At it's worst you look a bit stuck in the past and unable to move on, but also who gives a shlt about that.

Moving on requires you accepting you'll never get to the bottom of what went on and you just need to look forward

Agree with all of these points